Donation for friends Christmas dinner…

[CyanSnake]

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

I think it’s fair enough, they haven’t said you can only come if you pay £100 a head they have just acknowledged it’s getting harder to cover it all.

the other option is they stop hosting which would be a shame for everyone

Hosting for 16 people of very expensive so I think it’s fair to ask. People who think it’s outrageous should perhaps host and then they might understand the costs!

I think it’s fair enough that it costs too much but the better way for her to handle it would’ve been to say that it was someone else’s turn to host, or alternatively you all go out somewhere.

It’s unfair that the host has to pay for everything. They shouldn’t go if they don’t want to contribute.

I can't believe none of you have thought to financially contribute before, it's unclear why you all thought the cost of hosting your group Christmas get together should be the responsibility of one friend each year. I would be super apologetic that they even had to ask and tell your other 'friend' to wind their neck in and contribute.

The hosting friends are being so kind in hosting - it takes a lot all the prep, tidy house etc. I'd not be offended to be asked to contribute.

I know you'll get ppl who say if you invite ppl you should provide everything but I think this is different.

Alternative is it doesn't happen in future or you all meet at a pub or restaurant which would be even more expensive 🤷🏻‍♀️ x

I’m not sure that fair, if someone invites you to something, they’re taking on the cost and responsibility of hosting you. It’s reasonable to assume they’re happy to do so.

One of our friends in our local friendship group has the best house to host, most space, so is usually the host. If we have a group meal people bring food, so salads, puddings, sausages etc if BBQ, contributions to different courses if sit down meal. What you bring is decided beforehand

Hosting 16 people - I don’t think it’s cheeky to ask for a donation and would have done what you did. I wonder if the friends thinking it’s cheeky would host you all, year after year!

Has the grinch only messaged you, or everyone?

I think it’s absolutely fair enough for the host to ask and i’d tell them that.

Why would this be a better way to handle it? If someone else wanted to host presumably they would have offered before, and going out would cost a lot more.

the person who moaned about the request is the one handling it badly. If they can’t afford to contribute then speak to the host discretely. Otherwise pay up or don’t go.

It's totally reasonable to ask for contributions in the way your friend has, making it clear that those who don't choose to contribute are still welcome.

The person saying it is outrageous is wrong.

Each person who contributes becomes a co-host. Each person who doesn't is a guest.

Totally reasonable in these kind of circumstances.

Your friend has been very generous hosting every year. This is an established tradition in your group which she can no longer afford to fund single-handed - it's not unreasonable in the way it might be if this were a one-off party she'd dreamt up and decided to ask everyone else to fund it.

If your other friend objects to contributing, the answer is simple - she can take her turn hosting and paying for everyone.

Alternatively, if anyone in the group feels they can afford to host this would be the perfect time to say "Jenny, why don't you take it easy as you've hosted us so many times - I'll host us this year."

Let's not forget it's not only the cost of hosting that 'Jenny' has borne, it's the organising, food prep and cooking, getting her house ready for visitors and cleaning up afterwards!

I think this is the most reasonable way I've ever seen of wording it, and totally understandable.
The alternative is that the host provides the home and party atmosphere, and everyone else brings drinks and food.

@CyanSnake the person who said it was outrageous that they asked needs a good slap!!! do they not realise the cost of food has gone through the roof?? or were they just looking for a free feed after starving themselves all week and saving money???? well done you x

I’d have offered before now. Must cost them
a fortune.

True friends would be happy to share the load/cost. Those who are unhappy .might want to host and pay for it.

I host the most out of my friendship group by a factor of about 10x. My house isn't any better but I am a happy cook and everyone else isn't really.

I don't generally expect a contribution but each year I often do a wine tasting type event. That is expensive to host, usually north of £15 a person just for wine, plus food, so for a group of 8, you're talking about probably £200+.

I don't usually ask but I am very grateful when my friends have offered to send some cash for the drinks - and I send them home with any leftovers.

I don't think it's cheeky to ask though I personally wouldn't.

Totally reasonable! My good friend hosts Thanksgiving every year and we all chip in financially (plus take booze, some appetisers and desserts)
Make sure you go back to the complaining friend and stick up for the host

Do any of the rest of you ever host the whole large group for an expensive meal?

If this was a turn taking arrangement, she'd be unreasonable to ask, but that's not what comes across. It seems as though she's been extremely generous in doing this for years, but things have caught up with her a bit and she needs to ask. I'd support her by making it clear to the complaining friend, that you think the host's request entirely reasonable.

Good on the friend for asking, she’s probably been fuming for years! I wonder if there’s a related mumsnet threat ….😅

I’d reply back ‘will it be you hosting it next year then Steve or shall we go to a restaurant instead to give Sarah a break after so many years of doing all the work.’ Entitled shit. They could have just not donated, they didn’t need to publicly try and make her feel bad.

Oh I disagree - I love a relaxed meal at a friend's house, and if she's going all out with the food and wine it would cost a lot these days. I'd be more than happy to contribute, if she's happy to keep doing all the work!

I would rather pay than host!

I always take my own wine as I only like certain ones.

Your outraged friend is a tightwad/freeloader. If you don't rotate hosting then I think everyone contributing is only fair. We've hosted for large groups where everyone made the same contribution although a couple of people did the actual cooking and it paid for everything for everyone.