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Original poster

Donation for friends Christmas dinner…

236 replies

CyanSnake · 06/12/2024 07:38

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 07/12/2024 19:34

I think it is fair enough and your friend did say people would be welcome even if they didn't contribute.

MumChp · 07/12/2024 19:35

Shinyandnew1 · 06/12/2024 09:06

I’m surprised nobody else in the group has offered to host or pay before!

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

I think this person should host.

This....

purser25 · 07/12/2024 19:36

Well if they don’t want to give a contribution then they don’t have to go. Iftheywere asking say£50 a head I might think what

tarheelbaby · 07/12/2024 19:37

If your host is only asking for contributions now, after many years, that is totally reasonable. Even if I wasn't asked directly, I'd be bringing a luxury consumable for my host to enjoy later. Often hosts ask certain guests to bring dishes for certain courses.
I have to confess that I haven't fully read this thread - have you all been bringing bits and bobs in the past? Often people arrange by course on a bigger dinner: my in-laws have been on a NYE rotation for decades. They travel from house to house for courses and each organiser co-opts diners to help so some bring puddings or salads or drinks....

insomniacalways · 07/12/2024 19:37

16 adults! How has noone offered anything before. I'd exclude the person complaining let them see how expensive and hard worm it is to feed/host so many ! Please respond to the person complaining saying how unreasonable they are and how embarassing it is noone has offered anything before.

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 19:38

You should also all club together and buy the friend something nice to show your appreciation for the past years.

Eyerollexpert · 07/12/2024 19:38

I am an awfully cook and live in a tiny house so 16 would not be an option, the hosts are very generous going to so much trouble and think that it's reasonable to ask for contributions whilst acknowledging everyone may not be able. Lovely friends.

LatteLady · 07/12/2024 19:38

My sister and I used to do it, turn and turn about each year... whoever was hosting did the main course and whoever was the guest bought the starter and dessert. We always bought wine as guests, apart from the year that my sister forgot to pack it and we got through a case of fizz I had got in... she was mortified when she spotted the booze bag on Boxing Day. When my mum was still with us, she bought wine... we reckoned she had hosted us more than enough.

For this number of people I think a donation or a request to bring a dish is totally fine... cannot believe that people would not bring wine to a meal, prior to this!

NC10125 · 07/12/2024 19:38

In my friendship group everyone hosts, some of us more than others, but reasonably reciprocal arrangement.

Pre-children the same couple always did Christmas and we all contributed financially despite hosting them on other dates.

Christmas is always more expensive to host then other dates - everyone drinks, everyone wants luxury stuff - and there is no option to do a ‘cheap crowd pleaser’ because it’s Christmas. Even if people bring wine etc you can’t rely on it so have still had to stock up in advance.

Generous of them to have done it in the past, reasonable of them to ask for a contribution this year in my opinion.

betterangels · 07/12/2024 19:38

StrawberryWater · 06/12/2024 08:58

Usually I'm a believer in 'if you can't afford to host you shouldn't'.

However!

If the burden is always falling on the shoulders of one person then yes you should chip in. Food and drink is expensive plus she has to cook it all (and I bet nobody helps her wash it up) and it's very unfair that you all have spend years noshing on her dime.

If everyone is giving the same £40 as you though I'd expect a pretty fancy meal!

Agree with all of this.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/12/2024 19:40

They're completely reasonable! We're hosting Christmas again this year, my mum and dad , brother and SIL have insisted we split the bill equally, everyone will bring whatever they like to drink and I usually do some extras baking, gingerbread house etc , but the main meal and puddings are paid for jointly or brought along, we just work it that everyone has contributed similarly. There will be 12 of us Christmas day this year. TBH we could cover it and didn't ask for contributions but they insist, mainly because they don't want to host I think!

Hackedoffinoldage · 07/12/2024 19:40

It does seem cheeky to invite people for a meal, then ask them to contribute but if it’s the expectation they always host, then surely it would make more sense for everyone to bring a dish. Two could be in charge of drinks, two could bring a selection of starters, two on mains and two on desserts? Must cost a fortune otherwise.

Ggmores · 07/12/2024 19:40

£20 a head for a Christmas dinner and drinks is an absolute bargain!!! I only had six people last year and it cost over £500!!

Jl2014 · 07/12/2024 19:42

I actually think it’s fair given the number of couples. That will be an pretty expensive thing to host and they’re doing it every year. Having it at hers is still keeping the cost down compared to going out.

Dibbydoos · 07/12/2024 19:45

It's fair to all contribute. Can't understand why you didn't from the start tbh.

The person who's outraged is a freeloader imo. Are they normally stingy? I think being stingy is a horrible characteristic and have dumped many people because they have short arms and deep pockets.

Hope you all have fun without Mr/Ms outraged.

Winter2020 · 07/12/2024 19:46

Simonlebonbon · 06/12/2024 09:47

completely reasonable of the host to ask, it’s the most expensive time of the year and the cost of food is astronomical compared to previous years. It’s awful they’ve had to ask.

I’m the host in my friendship group and I’ve actually stopped inviting people over this last year to two as frequently as bbqs, meals, game evenings etc all fell on dh and I and we would spend a fortune and people would bring a few cans of coke or something but we’d be providing everything else.
I stopped doing it when I had spent almost £100 on a meal for 13 of us and a few days cooking it advance to have all but 1 couple cancel because it was raining.
I don’t mean a storm or anything torrential, I’m talking a bit of rain and people were driving not getting transport. After that waste I stopped.
I really would have appreciated though just one person offering to bring drinks or ask could they give me a few quid.
I’ve had hints about my Xmas meal this year but I’m not up for it, I barely want to do my own dinner this year 😂

I almost killed DH a few months back when a couple from our group offered to buy DH and I dinner. Dh and his friend went to collect it from the take out and his friend had forgotten his card. It was a few days before payday and we aren’t financially comfortable really and DH didn’t tell me until we’d gotten home our 50 quid had been spent buying everyone’s fish and chips.
I asked him to ask for a transfer but he felt to awkward and we ended up borrowing that cash back from our eldest child.
So now I’m reluctant to even go to friends offering to pay. Since COL it’s just very awkward and stressful.

I bet Mr “forgot my card” didn’t even tell his partner so they believe that they have treated you.

I know a “forgot my card”. Instead of even just letting you pay for the activity/drink they “borrow” a £20 to pay and then don’t return it!

I think the reply to the OP is “if the money is making you feel awkward why don’t you offer to host then it won’t be an issue? What do you think?”

RaspberryBeretxx · 07/12/2024 19:47

I think fair enough and probably not aimed at you who already donates a few bottles of wine. I suspect it’s aimed at some other CFs in the group who probably rock up with one cheap bottle of wine and proceed to eat and drink the host dry.

Patterncarmen · 07/12/2024 19:49

CyanSnake · 06/12/2024 07:38

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

Totally reasonable to ask for money. If that has not gone down well, then could others bring a dish to share? I mean, the host has been generous to host for 16 people year after year.

mindutopia · 07/12/2024 19:57

Totally fair, it’s very gracious of them to host every year. We are the ones who host every year in our family (not out of choice, I’ll add!) and not just Christmas dinner, but Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, a couple days before and after when people hang around still. All meals, snacks, chocolates, all the alcohol, puddings, cheese. Absolutely no one ever offers to bring anything or contribute. 🙄 It can easily cost us £1000 for those few days. It’s really expensive. On top of Christmas presents, etc.

When we do bigger family Christmas (not at our house, at an auntie’s house, only happens every 10 years or so), it’s £25 per adult plus we all bring a bottle of something. Very reasonable for 3 courses plus drinks and someone else to do all the cooking and cleaning up and heating a barn to fit us all in.

I can’t see how anyone could complain about that. Unless you are those ones in the family who treat Christmas like a full AI resort experience. I know a few of those. 🙄

Kool4katz · 07/12/2024 19:57

I think it’s massively cheeky to expect the same person to not only offer their home for a group meal every single year but to buy and cook all the food and for all the cheeky fucker friends to just bring a few bottles of plonk and expect the host to be grateful for their company. 😳

Unbeliveable CK’ers.

I hope you told the selfish cunt that it’s so good of him to offer to host and buy everything this year and for the next x number of years going forwards?

Adventlandonhs · 07/12/2024 19:57

I think it’s pretty shit that guests have never gave her some money for the previous years.

A few bottles of wine wasn’t good enough as I bet you drank them too.

Everyone attending sounds like piss poor friends.

Fireworknight · 07/12/2024 20:00

Catering for 16 costs a lot - even £10 a person is £160. The host isn’t demanding money, but asking for volunteer donations. It would cost a lot more at a restaurant!

genesis92 · 07/12/2024 20:00

The fact you have a friend who thinks this outrageous is the problem. What a CF

Lemonadeand · 07/12/2024 20:01

An alternative could be everyone brings a dish. We used to do this for shared Christmas meals at uni and for family thanksgivings too.

Oioisavaloy27 · 07/12/2024 20:02

It think that's fair enough your other friend is being really mean, perhaps they should host it and pay for it then see how they feel?