Donation for friends Christmas dinner…

[CyanSnake]

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

I've always brought starters or dessert plus chocolates and wine if going to a hosted dinner. Given the cost of everything these days I would be more than happy to make a financial contribution.

I think your hosting friends have been incredibly generous in previous years. Good on them for asking for donations/contributions towards costs. They will still be doing pretty much all of the shopping, meal planning, prep work plus the clean up. Heck no they are well entitled to ask. No free lunches and all that.

It's bloody expensive to host. Surprise that no one has given the friend money before this.

The host was definitely right to ask - food costs a fortune.

The other friend - do they take anything at all when they go? They sound incredibly selfish and I'd tell them that, too.

I host a big thing for around 15 friends near Christmas and again in the summer. I really love to cook and enjoy hosting but this year I've said I'm really happy to do it but it would be £12 each (summer was less...£10 I think but I went all out for Christmas!) which covers two courses with choices, all allergies etc catered for and drinks (although some people also bring a bottle). Everybody has been more than happy with that so I think the friend thinking it's outrageous needs to pipe down.

We host every year my friend group from school (now left 10+ years but still friends and the ones that no longer live near tend to come home for Xmas or new year to see parents) plus partners and now kids, we tend to do a curry/chilli/meat joint in the slow cooker but have started asking everyone to bring something, party food starters or deserts or nibbly bits, someone often offers to make another easy sharer main different to what we are doing or bring food for the kids + whatever that family want to drink alcohol (wine/ beer) we always have beer and spirits in but we don’t drink wine so only provide soft drinks really, the most we have hosted is 25 and there’s no way we could shoulder the cost of fully hosting covering all costs, it’s massively expensive, we did the 1st time we hosted then asked for more pot luck style after that and all our friends want to see us so are more than happy to chip in, I don’t think it’s unreasonable

OP has disappeared

I'm Team Contribute.

It's not just the cost of the food. It's the planning, shopping, cooking fridge full.of stuff extra clean up at home, get enough chairs etc...

They've been incredibly generous.
Have you messaged tight-wad and told them to either;
Shut up
Host themselves
Stay home

A group of my friends meet up just before Christmas at a friend's home. They provide a chilli or lasagne type dish. We bring salads, bread, veg, pudding and drinks.
It's not fair for 1 person to host every year and be burdened with everything.

You could suggest a restaurant in future? Then everyone pays.

But I don't think in this scenario the host is a host in the usual sense of the word. This is a get together of friends and for whatever reason it's always at the same house with the same person providing the food and doing the cooking. I don't think that means she has to bear the whole cost, quite the opposite. All the friends should split the cost of the food and drink and be grateful to the host friend for all the extra work that puts on her.

This.
You say you were never asked to contribute, but did any of you offer, or at least bring a dessert/ cheeseboard anyway?

If they think it's outrageous they should host at their house and cover the cost of everything themselves.

This.
My friends always offer to bring a food dish in addition to some booze. It's a perfectly reasonable request. If they haven't asked before, it must have taken something for them to ask this year. As a PP has said, it will still be cheaper than going to a restaurant!

Absolutely fair enough on the part of your hosting friend, and they haven’t even begun to consider the ‘cost’ of the time that they have put into hosting this event over the years.

You should be very disappointed in your moaning friend, and you might spend a moment reflecting on whether you have all been rather cheeky fuckers over the last few years.

As they are the ones to host each year it’s 100% NBU. We take turns hosting a group but still all pull in each year providing different courses, all the wine etc.

I think YABU sending £40.
£20pp?

My mum and her friends do something similar every year - 1 person cooks and hosts and everyone pays £x towards the food. My mum also takes a little gift for the host and a bottle of wine as well. All sounds perfect to me and then nobody feels guilty or responsible xx

I think it's fair enough. We host 15-20 people once a week. Most of them contribute something, some more than others. I think if nobody contributed then we would have to stop doing it.

Politely asking for a contribution isn’t unreasonable.

Sending a share of the bill afterwards would be. The offended party is bonkers!

The outraged friend sounds like a freeloading git

i would always be happy to contribute a course or alcohol but money would feel strange.

we host several times for different friends and family and wouldn’t ask for a contribution: I think I would change it to a buffet or a potluck

we went for a weekend away with a large group of friends and were asked to make a meal for 30 as a contribution. Turns out half the guests were not asked to make a meal so I’m a bit wary now.

if you wish to host and invite us, please do and we will come with bags of drinks and treats.

if you come to us, you can have anything in the house and it is our pleasure to host you.

But everyone has their own set of circumstances and their own ways of doing it.

We have friends visiting from the US next weekend who will stay from Friday to Monday. I will cook for us all on Friday evening, and we shall have breakfast. We have booked a lovely gastropub lunch on Saturday, and we'll buy fancy artisan cheese for Saturday evening, then go to the pub on Sunday lunchtime and give them a proper roast. And an easy breakfast on Monday before they leave. There will be a polite tussle for the pub lunch's bill.

It depends.

Do you take turns hosting? In general, I mean.They host Christmas every year, but do you host Easter or random dinners throughout the year? Is it about even?

If you all take turns (in general, not just Christmas), I think it's odd to ask for a contribution.

If they are always hosting in general, then they are being very generous and it's fine to ask. But it would have been more polite to ask for food instead of money. For example, they prepare a roast and everyone else brings the side dishes and desserts - kind of like a pot luck.

Really depends on whether this is a one off event in which case your friend is reasonable to ask for some contribution. Or whether it's a rotated dinner so everyone's hosting at some point in the year in which case it seems a bit odd

I went to Christmas at a relatives house a few years ago, there was about 35 family members and we gave £10 contribution each which I was fine with. 12 of those were the hosts children and parents so they wouldn’t have paid anything. The host didn’t just do food they did party games with prizes so a lot of work went into the day. I think being invited to Christmas with lots of family members is different to just being invited round to a friends for dinner, it’s far more expensive so I think it’s fair to contribute and I would offer even if they’d not asked.

Not outrageous at all. Maybe the friend who thinks it's outrageous could host everyone instead this year?

I absolutely agree