Donation for friends Christmas dinner…

[CyanSnake]

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

I think the host is very right to ask for some help but should not have used the word donate!

Id have called it a contribution or something that highlights it’s a shared event for everyone or even ask if anyone else wants to host this year.

If OP has sent over £40 that’s only £20 per person for a couple and a decent hone cooked meal costs close to that with drinks and deserts etc.

Factoring in all costs, time and hassle of getting in the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc and it’s still a blooming bargain for a night out!

tell the CF whose complaining to host, don’t attend or send the money!

That’s fair enough only if the hosting duties are evenly shared out amongst the group over the years.

In the case of one family hosting the same group of cheeky fuckers every single year with no reciprocity, then it’s massively cheeky to just turn up year in, year out and expect to be wined and dined as if your mere presence is adequate compensation for all the effort and expense the host has been put to.

I agree with this.

The person who complained is clearly ungrateful for the years of effort and expense the host has gone to. It's true that "Eaten food is soon forgotten."

It sounds like the cry of an absolute CF.

Your poor poor friend (the host).

Cannot believe the cheek of the person complaining - are they completely minted or just a freeloader?

I think it’s absolutely fair enough. That is such a large outgoing to cater for that many people and for what is presumably a nice dinner party with a few courses and fancy/expensive food.

I’d tell the texting friend exactly what you’ve said here; you think it is fair to contribute, and you’ve already sent funds over. Up to them what they do next.

Of course it’s ok to ask for a contribution given the cost of hosting, especially if it’s their “turn” every year!

Totally fair, when a large gathering I usually ask if I can bring or purchase something towards the meal / or have the same people over ours and return the favour. Main thing is seeing people and having fun.

Absolutely fine to ask - I think it’s cheeky not to offer. Different if you’re taking turns but you’re not and food and drink is getting very expensive. One year my BIL 5 adults and 5 kids - we sent him some money despite him saying it wasn’t necessary - it must have cost him several hundred pounds.

So I get together with a group of 4 couples every Xmas, we tend to go to one friends as they have the better house for hosting, this year they are doing the starter, another couple are cooking the meat, I’m doing potato dish and sides and another couple does dessert. Fairest way of doing it, I can’t believe if the same people always host you don’t either contribute monetarily or by bringing a dish. Ultimate CF’s!!

I think it’s outrageous that they have paid for everything every year without any contribution being offered to be honest. Amongst my friends, if I invite people for dinner then they always say ‘what shall I bring?’

The way they've done it I think is polite and it is generous IMO to host every year. I'd message mean friend and say I was happy to contribute and wasn't upset by it at all.

If you are going to a friend's house and they cook then there are basic etiquettes
-next time dinner is on you (take them to a restaurant if you don't want to serve)
-volunteer for bring a dish
-bring drinks
-offer to bring dessert or a starter

But inviting that many people every year
Jeez and being the host all the time

I wouldn't have asked were I the host because I am a coward but they are more than justified in doing so - hosting a sit-down full christmas dinner for 16 with drinks is an absolute fortune. Even worse due to spiking food/alcohol costs over the past two years. No one should be bitching about it.

You may take a few bottles of wine with you but I'd bet there are some that show up with a box of chocolates or nothing at all.

If I'd been the host and really couldn't afford it I would've put a message out saying that "I've loved cooking and hosting for everyone over the past XX years but the hike in the cost of ingredients and booze is making it prohibitively expensive this year". Hopefully this would prompt someone else to either offer to host or suggest chipping in a decent amount per couple to allow the event to go ahead as normal.

If they are struggling with the cost then it's not at all unreasonable to ask. I assume the alternative is it doesn't happen. It's a group of friends who have got into a tradition and it would be a shame for it to not continue if you all enjoy it....but it is quite unfair for the cost to all be on the hosts. Send other friend who thinks it's outrageous a message saying "I agree, it's outrageous none of the rest of us have ever hosted....why don't you go first".

What a shame that the host had to ask and the seven couples had never thought to offer anything before.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this.

I'd never ask guests to contribute if hosting personally. If I couldn't afford it, I'd not invite them or at least not such a large group. But if I was asked to, of course I'd contribute generously. We usually take nice wine/Champagne for the hosts to have when they please or ask what the host would like us to contribute food-wise. Depends on the kind of dinner party/formality really.

Having said that, I'm not sure anyone can really complain about her asking when they've not said "Someone else or we should host this year to spread the cost." After all, it's expensive enough feeding a small family a nice dinner - let alone a big group including alcohol. Mind you, I'm not sure why the hosts kept offering year after year.

Personally, I'd rather go out to a restaurant than go to a dinner party, especially one where I have to cook something or contribute financially. That's why we tend to say please just bring yourselves when we host. I appreciate some love cooking for a big party after a busy week though - unlike me.

You're unreasonable for not offering before. You are a CF.

If you’re hosting, you’re hosting. I’d be mortified to ask for contributions, but our friends always bring wine and other gifts.

The hosts handled this tactfully and are very reasonable, given it’s not been a rotating hosting role or everyone bringing a dish. I think you’re right to happily contribute and honestly I would apologize if you haven’t offered to contribute before or (sincerely, not half-heartedly) suggested you take a turn hosting. I’d think less of the other friend who objected, unless they do an equal amount of hosting the group (time and money spent) with no contributions from others. The traditional concept of the hosts providing everything only applies if hosting is always evenly reciprocated IMO.

Our core friend group has one family who ends up doing most of the in-home hosting - their home/garden is ideal for it, the husband enjoys cooking, and (this is key now that we now collectively have a mob of children) they have a delightful pizza oven. Everyone else always works hard to offset the burden of hosting with a mix of others bringing dishes (this can still be a lot of work to coordinate if we want any sort of balanced, cohesive meal), contributing money, and cheerfully tackling cleanup. Everyone also regularly offers to host or go out so the “default-hosts” have plenty of opportunities to take a break without losing the socializing time.

If they are struggling with the cost then it's not at all unreasonable to ask. I assume the alternative is it doesn't happen. It's a group of friends who have got into a tradition and it would be a shame for it to not continue if you all enjoy it....but it is quite unfair for the cost to all be on the hosts.

@WonderingWanda I agree, that's a big gathering to host and it must cost a lot to put on this festive meal every year. If other people don't want to contribute, fine, the tradition will have to end. Or they can take turns hosting.

Can't believe you've let them host every year and never contributed tbh!

It must cost the hosts an absolute fortune every year paying for 16 people to have a Christmas meal. Totally reasonable for them to ask for contributions considering they've paid thousands. Sounds like all 7 couples have been complete freeloaders.

Why can’t you take turns? Can’t believe that 14 of you have never thought to suggest that people either contribute to the meal or take turns. Ok if a one off, maybe a bit tight since they offered, but for them to do this every year and absorbing the full cost of food and alcohol, I think you’re all CFs.

Even within the family, the costs of Christmas entertaining are shared between us. The burden tends to fall on my sister and bil as he loves Christmas more than anyone else and they live most centrally. But we rock up from 200 miles away with a carful of wine and beer and lots of cheese, chocolate and breakfast ingredients. Plus flowers afterwards.

Hosting is expensive, but so is going to visit. DH occasionally goes to sports fixtures with friends who have organised tickets, like rugby internationals. There's £175+ for the ticket, plus £100 in fuel to get there and back or more for a train ticket, plus taking the hosts out for dinner, and a nice bottle of something and flowers or a hostess gift. A weekend away rarely costs much less than £600.

In the OPs situation, I think a cash contribution and an in-kind contribution is the least that should be offered.