Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

You do you. Most posts on MN I see are people (women) being pressurised by unreasonable MIL. And fake media that makes it into a huge family thing.

until we got the dogs went abroad at Xmas and New Year. Now have child defo nuclear family at home. Don’t get out of PJs till lunchtime and after first bottle of fix drunk. OH cooks, I clean up (playing to each others strengths).

he visits his family in between Xmas and New Year. Then repeat.

To be honest.. I think this is what we’ll do too once the toddler and bump are just a little older.

I refused to spend Christmas away from home once we had kids as I hated leaving all my toys to spend the day at families (and also seeing how much my cousins got from ‘Santa’). My in laws have spent almost every Christmas with us at our house though.

We’ve kept it immediate family however as the folks got older they would come and stay a few nights. Very difficult as they had different eating times to us so one of them would end up throwing a hissy, without doing anything about contributing effort to a meal..

anyhow now that’s just about past, if we hear someone we know (and like) is on their own, we will have them around for dinner. Recently my DH’s cousin was excluded from her son’s family Christmas because of “turns” (really how hard is it to set an extra place?) so he picked her up and brought her home.

Nuclear family all the way for us. Sadly we’ve lost both my PILs in the last 3 years but prior to that we couldn’t have prised them out of Wales for Christmas with us even if we’d been inclined to try!! My DM and DF have come over for Xmas lunch a couple of times but they brought me and my siblings up as a nuclear family so would never impose on any of our precious Xmas mornings with our own DC whilst they are still so young. They’re not remotely precious about Xmas being on the 25th though so have been known to delay Xmas until the 28th if there’s scope for a big family gathering at their place on a later day 😊

Sounds like you have it sorted, it works for you and many people deep down would envy the simplicity - I prefer something similar now as the dynamics, distances and past dramas were too much.

Yes! My parents visit in the morning then it’s just the four of us for the rest of the day. I work Christmas Day alternate years, so appreciate the ones I get to spend at home with dp and ds’s. New year is for extended family, again depending on my shifts. We live in the same village anyway, so see lots of each other year round.

My SIL does this. My MIL is on her own; only has my DH and her DD plus their respective families left. So every second year, my poor MIL spends Christmas Day entirely alone, without seeing anyone. We spend every second year with her and alternate with my family who live abroad. Even my mother, who barely knows her, has invited MIL to spend Christmas with us, but MIL won’t fly.
Who leaves an old lady alone for Christmas 🤷‍♀️. Needless to say, I am not my SILs greatest fan.

by the way,my BIL and SIL are heavily involved in the church, really espousing Christian values there, SIL.

I wouldn't leave an aged parent alone on Christmas day but it sounds like you have siblings who can share the day so it wouldn't need to be every year.
We used to travel when kids were small but it was quite tiring having to transport all the presents, spending ages packing up the car (packing on Xmas eve, driving to location, unpacking, packing again on boxing day, unpacking again...), driving, eating on other people's schedules, not sleeping in my own bed etc. Started having Xmas at home in 2018. We visit dh family usually on the 27th, my parents come for dinner every third year and we have a party at my sisters usually between Xmas and new year. My parents are local dh are 2 hours away.

We'll be doing this! No bust ups with either of our families, both my partner and I are close to both and they live nearby so we'll see one set Christmas Eve and the other Boxing Day. We have a one year old so for us it's nice to wake up and plan the day exactly how we want it, which will be filled with opening stockings and presents, lovely winter walk, playing games, watching a Christmas movie, big Christmas lunch and evening buffet, and Proseccos throughout the day knowing we won't have to drive anywhere, plus we can stay in pyjamas or whatever we want all day without feeling like we have to get "ready". Both our parents got to have Christmasses the way they wanted them for over 35 years and it's our turn now, when my son is older he may want to do the same and as long as he's spending the day how we wants to I'll be happy!

My eldest has her birthday on xmas eve. The year she turned 2 was an absolute disaster with the ILs so after that we decided to stay home on xmas day. Open door, visit whenever, we have loads of food so can feed anyone. My parents are the only ones who come every year.
My eldest turn 15 this year and we are going to my parents for lunch to try and break up the day as last year just dragged!
Dh tried to argue if we're seeing 1 set of grandparents we should see the other, but they've made no effort to see us on xmas day for the last 13 yrs, so no, I'm not.
We do however host all of ILs around New Year which is 12 adults, 12 kids and it's a lovely day, but I believe all the siblings go on xmas day. We're the outcasts because of how disastrous that day was and I won't change my mind. Youbgest is 8 so probably last year believing and I want it all to be perfect for her. No IL drama thabk you!

Most of ours were ring-fenced. We did do Christmas at my brother's one year which was fun and they came over one year for lunch and stayed in a hotel nearby. But there is no shame in just chilling out without extended family. It's extremely stressful to be visited or visit family.

We alternate actual xmas day between my mum, DH mum and just us lot staying at home. We always see grandparents xmas eve or Boxing Day

Fair enough. It was the 'you make it special' that got my back up tbh. I know how to, I just don't want it. My family are all ace and we all want to celebrate together.

I don't see why that would get your back up @SunsetSkylane

Are the rest of your "party" family this spikey. Bit like the Mitchell family in Eastenders?

No and it’s a concept I only ever usually encounter on mumsnet.

Everyone I know sees family at Christmas, it’s a time for family. We have all the other days of the year to be ‘nuclear’

This is exactly the opposite of how I imagine Christmas. My childhood and young adulthood included 4 generations and endless cousins. A dining table of 30.

ive married into a much more “nuclear” family and I find it sad that we don’t have a Christmas like we had when I was young.

normal Sundays are for the immediate family, high holidays are for big gatherings. In my mind.

but that season is over for us, now that my side of the family have down sized and moved away. And our house is too small to host.

My parents did, after a couple of truly awful group Christmases. As a child, Christmas Day was so much nicer without snide comments, bullying, mum being stressed, dad getting grumpy, or travelling. We visited family in the period between then and New Year. I still think of that week as visiting week.

We were happy to have my parents after we had kids; they had good company manners, never stayed too long, tried to be good guests. But we had a truly horrible year with ILs. We made excuses for years to only spend the day with my side!

Everyone is abroad, dead or NC these days, so a video call with mum is as busy as it gets

Grow up mate.

Spoken like a Mitchell, @SunsetSkylane

Um, you're being repeatedly kinda weird about some fictional tv family.

They're fictional? Who knew!

Have a good Christmas @SunsetSkylane

Used to alternate and see different family, ILs etc. now family numbers are much more limited.

Have just come back from a visit to my mum and step dad who are now the only family we could conceivably spend Christmas with.

However, after driving 600 miles to see them and spend a different special occasion with them I won’t risk ruining our Christmas. They most definitely won’t come to us - their choice as they don’t like the drive and don’t like staying in people’s houses.

My step father sulked the entire time we were there for a variety of reasons and upset at least 50% of my nuclear family. I am not sure why he acts in such a way and I feel more and more unwelcome each time we visit. frankly I don’t want to tolerate it anymore and certainly not for an event as special as Christmas. I feel for my mum as I think she would love to have us there, but she just puts up with and makes excuses for his shitty behaviour all the time 😔

Also, even if I say so myself, we are capable cooks and the full Christmas roast experience is pretty special in our house. Therefore, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere other than at home with OH and the kids.

We do. We both have lovely families who live fairly close by, but we said straight from when we got married that we intended to have Christmas day in our home. All welcome to join.

It's worked out really nicely, we go to both sets of parents on Christmas Eve and they both usually call before lunch on Christmas day to see the DCs. They know it's an open invitation for Christmas Day but go to other siblings. My inlaws come to us on Boxing Day and my parents come to us on New Year's day