Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

I think it's fine as long as it doesn't impact on your siblings.

My MIL is a widow, my DH has one sibling who does the nuclear family thing.... so we always have to have MIL for Christmas or she has to be alone (and I can't do that to her, even if her own child can) - I really don't mind as my family have always been the more the merrier types (i.e. bring a chair and sometimes a plate...) but my MIL hates the hustle and bustle of my family Christmases. Which means we don't go to them every year so we can accommodate her (sometimes though she just has to suck it up - even my divorced parents rub along ok for one day).

My ILs children are now adults but they won't back down. It will be interesting to see what happens if/when their own children decide they will only do nuclear family Christmases....

Mmmm…I am similar OP. In that not massively close to my DM (but not for want of trying on my part). DM never invited me for Christmas since I first got with DH now my DF is no longer with us. DH’s family always wanted us down there but the house was tiny and DH and I would have had to share a tiny single bedroom and not enough places to sit and relax.

So we have stayed on our own for Christmas too. Visiting both families either just before, between or at NY. When we had DC we invited both GP’s to spend Christmas with us as we had the bigger house and it avoided disrupting the DC but both have always refused (preferring to spend Christmas at home in own houses) so could see younger favoured adult children who live slightly closer.

Now both our two are at Uni and finding feet and DH is very ill so I can see things changing in the near future and it will likely be me that is lonely and on my own at Christmas before too long as DC will no doubt soon go off to spend it with partners extended families.

Sometimes it might be worth reevaluating rather than being rigid.

I think it's fine as long as it doesn't impact on your siblings.

This is a good point.

We live a long way from our families, so at Christmas it's always just been us and my parents on alternate years. However, my parents moved to be near us 3 years ago, so we had them with us every Christmas morning which was wonderful. This year, my Mum had an awful stroke and will be in a care home, and though my Dad is still in their home, he has worsening dementia and is confused about whether to try and see if he can stay with my Mum, or come to us. It's going to be a very strange day, as we'll obviously want to see my parents, and they'll want to see the children, but how the logistics will work, I just don't know.

Nope. Don't get this at all. I don't get the fetishising of children having to wake up in their own beds and what a jot of difference to their enjoyment this makes.

They are ENTIRELY making their decision just for them.

They don't owe you a 'cousin' experience, its not something you lost as you had no right to it in the first place. What if the moved country? hadn't had kids? didn't exist (like your DH non existent siblings)?

You are not entitled to any experience of their kids and their kids do NOT exist to entertain yours (the whole reason my DH hated family Xmases because he had to 'work' to entertain his younger cousins rather than have fun, which he hated).

It doesn't impact on you... you are CHOOSING to host her.

I do not expect for one moment my children to host me once they have nuclear families. I long ago decided (with DH in full agreement) that we will make Xmas an 'anti-christmas' day at that point (as it has no deep religious significance to me) by going away and spending it relaxing on a beach or at a restaurant or spa.

The whole traditional thing is really child centric (never understood why non religious lone adults want to do the whole Christmas thing without the Santa bit its literally just sunday dinner... we certainly hated it in adulthood before kids). We have no need to do it once our kids are adults and I want them to have stress free easy Christmases relaxing with their partners/kids too. We can see them any other day of the year.

Every year there are threads of people lamenting the sibling won't host racist uncle Dilbert this year and MIL is insisting it be at her house even though she stingy as fuck and only serves 2 peas and a cracker and everyone cold a miserable... but no one HAS to be miserable, JUST DON'T DO IT.

Other peoples boundaries are not the issue but the complainers lack of boundaries is.

Yes. When we got married in 1990 I instituted a "no relatives at Xmas" policy, and we have stuck to it ever since. Initially, I did that because of my husband's job, but it has paid off because we have never had to worry about Christmas since, and we either go away or just ignore it. Perfect!

Totally fine to do this if it's what you want, especially if family relationships are tricky. I don't understand this importance of waking up in their own beds thing though. We did one Christmas just the four of us and all agreed (even dh, who isn't a big fan of Christmas) that it was a massive anticlimax, a bit boring and that we'd never do it again! But we all get on really well with extended family.

I love my parents and extended family… so no problem with big Christmas

Yes, we have done this for the last 5 or so years (DC are now 24, 22 and 19 so adults). We see both DH and my families beforehand (21/22/23 Dec) and then come back home and do the food stuff shopping and hunker down from Xmas eve. It's lovely and fairly essential as otherwise it's a rare time when we're not together as a 5. It's going to be rarer still soon as we have some likely marriages in the not too distant futures. I'll always invite, but will not assume!

You're right - I do choose because I know she would be miserable if I didn't.

MIL is lovely, she is no problem and I host her happily.

ILs are very happy to spend time with her, were happy for her to look after their DC for weeks on end so they could have their "me time", take her money, generally put upon her (currently storing a load of their junk and a SoRN banger on her drive) but apparently seeing her for a couple of hours on Christmas Day is beyond their "boundaries". They live down the road, we are two hours away. She only ever sees them on their terms.

It's mean.

Hopefully they reap what they sew.

I was brought up with Grandparents sharing xmas dinner with us. I loved it. Same when I had my own children, always spent it with parents and siblings and their offspring. Again, loved it, thought it was the 'normal' thing to do. Since my children have become adults however, they like to spend the day on their own and don't like mixing at all with wider family as they say they don't get much time off work so want to do what they want, when they want. It means my DH & I are on our own, as we are most of the year, and we hate it (not the being together, but missing out seeing our DC & DGC). It's very hard and we dread it. We can't afford to go away or pay for dinner elsewhere so we just have to suck it up. I can't imagine I would ever have let my parents be alone on xmas day.

That's awful 😥

It really is @Middleagedspreadisreal

All days with babies are the same. They eat, they shit, they sleep, you do some laundry.

Having a bit of turkey makes no odds to any of that. A lot of people are thoughtless and we've become so obsessed with boundaries that we don't always remember not to be cunts.

For me Christmas is about being together and there is always one more seat at the table. DH lost his DM and DSis in Covid times so it is just his DF so he is always with us. Before that we would spend Christmas Day with my parents and sibling and her family as it meant more to me and there was a few Christmas’ where DMil would drink too much and it wasn’t the environment I wanted the Children in. I don’t think I would mind if when my DD’s are older they’d choose to something different on Christmas Day, I’d be gutted if it was every year though.

We spend christmas day and boxing day in our house with our children and no one else.
After years of doing all the travelling to family I don't feel guilty for doing this, it's our time now.
I have elderly parents that live away that dont wish for us to spend half the day on motorway so we have a lovely tradition that we visit on Christmas eve.
Other side of family is only FIL who is v local but he is old and frail so he stays at his daughters who never really make an effort with us, but he knows there's always room at our table for him if he doesn't want to do that.

I'm from a very small family and find Christmas quite overwhelming tbh, so I love spending it in PJs, eating food, watching movies and playing board games with my girls.
All too soon they'll be flying off to uni so I'm cherishing this, selfishly, while I can!

Yes,we have done this since our children arrived, happy for visitors Christmas Eve, then from the 27th onwards.
Sadly if they don’t like it it’s tough we both had “family issues” as kids and are working hard to change that with our own. Just be honest in the aspect of Christmas Day is out, however the rest of the “holiday” is time you will spend with others
good luck 🤞🏼

I am 'the more, the merrier' but at my house with dinner cooked by me....

Nope, first time we did this was over covid. I enjoy christmas day at home but for me christmas is about getting together with loads of family and friends. We regularly had upwards of 30 when I was a kid and all the households would take it in turn to host including great-aunts/uncles.
That said, you do you. If you prefer a small family day then why not.

Yep.

All depends on circumstances, eg if if a parent is alone, if you all live in different places etc.

We've had one Christmas day as nuclear family, lockdown time, then all got together (was allowed a certain number) so got together next day.

It was nice yes, but wasn't the same, as we have so much time together anyway. Personally I love being my whole family, all pitch in, the mayhem. Very special memories ❤️

We always ring fenced Christmas for us and our DC because of toxic relationship with both parents on either side. I am an only child, DH has a brother who always did his own thing and while they got on, they don't have a close relationship either. He certainly didn't give a shit about his kids having a relationship with their cousins. So it really would have just been our parents and they would have ensured the day would have been miserable. I love Christmas, and when I left home I was determined it to have nice ones from that day forward so I put very firm boundaries in place with mine (ended up going NC anyway, buy hey ho, they can't say we didn't try).

On the other hand, while I am very close to my DD and really hope to be an involved Grandparent if/when she has DC, I will not be offended if she just wants to have Christmas Day to herself and her family. It's nice to take time out of a very busy life and feel like the clocks have stopped a little bit. I am actually looking forward to a future Christmas Day where all I do is eat Indian takeaway and snuggle up with my DH under a throw watching movies, surrounded by sparkling decorations and the dos in front of the fire. I also think it would be nice to spread the festivities over a couple of days. While I love Christmas, I am also very happy to potter around on my own, as long as I see my family at some point. I am still working and have a lot of hobbies, so an undisturbed day would be welcomed!

If you are not terrible close to your family, I can't see how they can be offended, OP.

Maybe DM could find other singles to spend Xmas with. Could be a fresh start!

Surely it’s whatever is right for each family? We are very close to both sets of parents so used to go to each every other year but now they come to us or to other siblings depending on year. But we like that! If you don’t and feel Xmas would be better by yourselves then that’s the right answer for your family. Don’t worry too much about everyone else - everyone has different relationships and family dynamics!