Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

Sorry *NFI

@LBOCS2

We absolutely just have nuclear family for Christmas. My DM and DF also very much prefer having their own space at Christmas. No contest at all on that.

I always wonder how people who insist on only spending it with nuclear family will feel when their kids are grown up and all then do the same?
Never spend Christmas with your grandchildren.
So you are left with just you and DH at Christmas, or left on your own if no DH by then.

The more the merrier on Christmas Day for me, we often have a selection of people- friends, family, acquaintances. I find it more fun and jolly that way and I'm not an overly social person the rest of the year!
I guess everyone should do what works for them though

Oh that is a very good point, my thinking hadn't got that deep. Yes, I think theyd have to readily accept then being pushed out and left alone on Christmas day!

I'm not being difficult but why even start this thread?? If your family are toxic then of course don't spend it with them??

Me too! We live overseas and typically have my parents staying with us for Christmas but if not, we'd invite other friends over for lunch. The more the merrier here!

We see everyone and drop presents the week before. Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, we see no one, may or may not see people New Years.

This year even less people because my nephew and my Mom died in the last 12 months. I'm down to step parents now and siblings and DH has both parents

We don’t ring fence it as such but always stay at home. People are welcome to join us, but we aren’t travelling anywhere.

Christmas day is just us no traveling, I don't want to walk up in someone else's house and to be honest I want to do things my way.
Like ds7 doesn't get wrapped presents it to overwhelming for him.
We don't get up at the crack of dawn to open presents.
We dont eat a traditional Xmas dinner.
Decorations got up Xmas eve and come down Xmas evening.
Ds7 find christmas very overwhelming so we just take it easy.

So there's your answer. You don't have close relationships with your extended family whereas others do 🙄.
Our family dynamics were always to ensure that the grandparents were included in any celebrations.

Yes. Before we had children, unless I was working we used to alternate going to one set of parents or invite one set to us, but once we had children we decided that we would always spend Christmas Day at home, just us. I never enjoyed the Christmases we spent at relatives when I was a child as much as the ones at home, and we live much further away from our extended families so it would have meant either a lot of time in the car on the day or an overnight stay. We didn't particularly want to subject either the children or ourselves to that. We like going to our usual Church on Christmas Eve and then a quiet day in our own home. There's plenty of other days for catching up with the wider family over the festive period.

My sil & bil did the minute my parents died after over a decade of me travelling with small children to see both grandparents and never getting Christmas at home on my own . Later years previous fun included sorting lifts , scheduling carers and hosting with primary aged kids whilst sil and bil got a year off every other year. So I host or travel to in-laws still who were younger than my parents . No one is welcome at sils & bils there. It “ didn’t work for them ” no taking turns, no discussion with dh . It grates tbh . As I have very little extended family now it seems churlish to exclude my ils who are lovely people and were quite hurt when the change was announced that they would do their own Xmas and made it clear no one was welcome. On a good day I put it down to mental health issues . One of them has no parents either.

When my dad moved into a care home I feared I’d end up having a very sad mother with us every Christmas Day crying into her turkey dinner. Far from it. She goes to visit my dad & has Christmas Day dinner with him every time & then she comes to either me or my brother or sister for Boxing Day. It’s worked out fine! Obviously it’s sad that dad can’t be part of it - his dementia & mobility are just too bad now - but we all pile in to see him & the carers are lovely. I think they’re all making Christmas cakes tomorrow in fact…

We used to.

When our kids were first born pils insisted on us spending several days with them and the rest of the extended family. We never did Christmas with my parents or anyone from my family.

As various people had kids and it got bigger and bigger it just wasn't working.

Instead we met up pre Christmas at a pub in a function room for the day. Worked much better.

We had a few years of lovely Christmas days on our own. At pils there were always arguments and stinginess with food and stress. Honestly it was so nice to not have that.

Now my dad is dead and my mum and I do Christmas. I'm divorced and my son goes to a retreat every Christmas because frankly he hates it and it has bad memories. My daughter goes to her pils who celebrate Hanukkah.

I don't really enjoy Christmas with my mum but she is a little obsessed about not being in her own at Christmas so she spends it with me.

Me and my kids meet up over new year.

We invite ILs and my DM but won't travel to ILs as our house is big enough to host, and the DC don't like to go away from home.

Also, I remember once my ILs had done a big pre-Christmas meal on Christmas Eve for DHs sister and family and by the time Xmas Day rolled around they couldn't be bothered with hosting, I've never been starving hungry on Christmas Day (evening) before in my life (I was Breastfeeding). Since then, I cook the meal, it's not worth the risk. Also, I like all our own traditions.

This year my DHs parents are coming due to ill health and I'll be happy to have a year off from hosting.

*not coming

I have in recent years and I'm going to continue, wish I'd done it years earlier.

There's hundreds of days in the year, I'm not running around after people who have little interest in seeing me at other times. There's also a whole week between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve where most people are off work or work is quiet so I don't see why people can't visit/be visited on those days. Why don't they want Christmas Day at home with their own families anyway?

It really mainly seems to be an older parents thing? I'm not ever getting my friends clamouring to spend Christmas Day with me, even the single ones with toxic birth family. Or more distant relatives like cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces/nephews etc. Even siblings don't seem to care in most families. Any drama seems to always come from empty nest parents.

Makes me wonder if some people have children because they're lonely and don't really like their spouse?! Then their children grow up and leave home and they start with the whole "you've abandoned me" speil "on Christmas Day too!"

We do. Christmas is about the children mainly so I think it’s important they get to relax and enjoy their toys without being dragged around relatives houses. DH and I also enjoy playing with the kids with their new stuff which we wouldn’t be able to do if we were formally ‘hosting’ anybody.
Our family’s are quite toxic though, maybe I would feel differently if they were nicer people.

We have done but it’s a bit boring. DD in particular is much happier if we have a house full, it’s less fun for her when it’s just the 3 of us.

When we have the 25th as just us we host the 26th, but I prefer doing Christmas day and then having Boxing Day onwards just us.

We don’t travel around though for animal reasons, and our family is small and lovely. If my parents, brother and SIL come they play with DD, help, bring lots of food and drink and are generally a pleasure. I’m the worlds biggest introvert but they don’t count as it’s no stress.

Been married 23 years and can only remember one Christmas when it was just the 5 of us. This Christmas my mum has volunteered to cook for her church and invite anyone on their own. She has informed the rest of us ( 23 last count)that were are helping to set tables, cook and serve the food. All of us have agreed, so that will be an interesting and different Christmas. For me it has always been the more the merrier.

Having done both I totally understand it.

We travelled for the first few years of having DC and then made the decision to stay at home for Christmas. We love it with just our family of 4. We used to have a journey that was 3-4hrs long each way on a good day, and were limited with the presents that we could take.

We've now made our own traditions and as much as we love our families we wouldn’t want to go back. We see them at another point in December instead.

Growing up we lived near both sets of grandparents but still had Christmas Day at home with just our family; being close meant we could go to one on Christmas Eve and the other on Boxing Day.

When I was growing up, I just wanted it to be mum, dad, brother, me and grandma on Christmas day so we could play with our presents all day then watch Morecambe and Wise without interruption. Instead we got auntie, uncle, horrible cousins, nasty Nana and pervy step grandfather.

These days I insist it's just us, DH, me, adult kids. It's bliss.
You do just what suits you. It's not like you don't see them at all. Most care homes that look after dementia patients seem to invite the patient's partner in on Christmas day anyway.

By the time I had five children, no-one wanted us to visit over Christmas for a family get-together. I loved those years when we developed our own family traditions instead of trying to fit in with other people’s.

I think if it wasn't for going to Norway and seeing the in-laws (who I love and do not begrudge at all), we would. It's how I grew up - purely nuclear family and not going out on the day itself. I adore my siblings but they're doing their own thing with their own kids! I wouldn't be dragging anyone out, I know they'd not be happy.

As it is, we go over but MIL doesn't come until the afternoon. We do Norwegian Christmas Eve and some gifts, she has a nice lie in while we wake and do British Christmas morning, then all meet up for a buffet and fun. I wouldn't take that away from her. If my parents were alive, they'd also be welcome but I'd not be travelling anywhere. I like my homes and the comforts, and for me it's important the kids get time to play and have their own fun without being carted around. Did it one year as a kid and hated it! For us, the other days are for other family and friends. New Year especially.

Don't like Christmas here now though. We did it here in lockdown and it felt so deflated because it wasn't what we were used to. You make your own traditions, that's the beauty of it.