Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

I agree with this. There's also no guarantee they'll invite you just because you do, so best to do what you want when your children are young

We've done it since the baby's first Christmas. The car slid on ice trying to please both sides of the family by spending Christmas morning with one gang and the dinner with another.
We were all fine but from that point on we stayed home. People are welcome to join us but DS never had a santa visit that wasn't in our own home and I'm glad.

Now he's almost in his teens so if we feel like going to others for Christmas we can. But our families are so scattered globally we'll likely never all be together.

I do think that if you've had the kind of parents who loved you, made sacrifices for you, put your childhood wellbeing first, it's kind of shitty to leave them alone at Christmas because you cba to host them or just want your little nuclear family.
That must feel so sad to those parents who gave their kids everything they could.

But if you had selfish parents who pleased themselves then I do think it's okay to not take responsibility for them at Christmas in their later years. Reap as you sow and all that.

Good for you. We prefer it the other way

Don't be arsey @SunsetSkylane. I was answering the question "what's special about the four of us eating a roast together?"

I agree it’s about what went before. One of my parents remarried and spent 1 Christmas with me in 28 years, the other 27 being with her DC and DGC.

On the other side my in-laws have faces on them like they are smelling dog poo when I am around, but happy for me to do all the prep and host and lap up the Christmas cheer. I didn’t even get a box of chocolates for Christmas.

Now I’m expected to host Christmas for both sides as they are elderly and want to be around my DC, their DGC. However my DC don’t want them around, they don’t have the connection with them. I made them suck it up as it’s Christmas and family, but now I’m over it.

I may be setting the precedent for my own future lonely Christmases but I’m confident that I won’t be treating my DC or their partners like shit, and they may actually like me when they are older.

Good point @ABirdsEyeView

I have hosted my parents for Christmas FOREVER. Covid year being the one exception. We host very generously and they are with us for at least 5 days due to distance so it’s food, drink, and activities. My sibling never hosts them at Christmas. We host and fund nice things for them through the year too. We have always been happy to do so. Despite being financially comfortable, my sibling does not. When they visit my sibling, my parents pay for everything.

This year was especially hard for me, DH and DCs. For multiple reasons and due to various circumstances. We haven’t been able to organise and do the things we usually do like take them away on holiday, out for meals, to events and shows. It has been a tough time. Crushingly, my parents haven’t visited us, nor have they called. Not once. We have done both. If we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have seen or spoken to them since last Christmas.

It has made me sadder than I can say. I also feel terrible shame when DCs and friends ask/expect them to be more present (not unreasonable, given our specific circumstances) It feels like my/our only worth to them is as a provider of entertainment and experiences that they can then brag about to their own social circle. They are not interested in us, and don’t want to hear about anything that is difficult or tough or doesn’t fit with their carefully controlled family narrative. Thankfully they do have an excellent social life, plenty of travel, hobbies and interests and lots of friends around them. Which perhaps makes it easier for me to give myself permission to now drop the rope. And to love and accept them for who they are, peacefully. And to take care of myself too.

Fair enough. It was the 'you make it special' that got my back up tbh. I know how to, I just don't want it. My family are all ace and we all want to celebrate together.

I don’t, we have always see grandparents etc on Christmas Day HOWEVER we all live 10-15 mins drive of each other. If it was a 2/3 hour drive then yeah I would. Nobody wants to spend 6 hours in the car on Christmas Day!

Yep.

It was just me and my mam in childhood (no siblings, grandparents, not even bio dad)... it was amazing. I had fantastic childhood Christmases.

In my teens I had a sibling and step dad and his family would descend on us and it was bloody awful, full of tention, fights, morbid talk of grampas last Xmas and no one getting the Christmas they wanted as everyone argued over how every little thing should be done (what decor, what food, what tv, what order of the day etc...).

Then I left home and had group xmases as the lonely lose ends and honestly I would rather die than go back to that, I spent most those days sleeping it away because it was hell.

Then had DS and its been just nuclear family since and I LOVE it, xmas is joy again and now there is 5 of us and we have never had a bad Xmas in the last 15 years.

DH grew up doing 1 year nuclear and 1 year with extended family and he HATED the extended family years. Having to put on a whole fake hosting persona and be 'on' all day. Having to entertain annoying little cousins and make small talk with adults he barely knows and not enjoy relaxing or playing. He took no convincing to do the nuclear family thing I grew up with.

I was lucky in that I grew up with my maternal Grandad living in the house opposite and my aunt and cousins in the next road. Every year after presents and breakfast we’d go to aunts for an hour, exchange gifts then home. Grandad would alternate Christmas dinner with us and my aunt. Then Christmas night when we were young teenagers we went back to my aunts for a buffet (and a snowball!) So we got the best of both worlds without spending too long out of our own home and away from our gifts. Boxing Day was always at mums with other aunts/uncles and my paternal nan.

@ginandheels
'Which perhaps makes it easier for me to give myself permission to now drop the rope. And to love and accept them for who they are, peacefully. And to take care of myself too.'
Aww, that made me feel so sad. I'm sorry about your circumstances. You obviously have a good head (Heart) on you though. I'm so glad you are finding peace, and are looking after yourself too. I wish I could be as brave and strong as you. x

When I was growing up Christmas was only nuclear family. Although my nuclear family as a child was massive.

I have done this in the past when it has suited us. Now we do tend to involve my parents on the day as we are close.

Basically do what's right for your family, guilt free.

We just have nuclear family. I feel guilty about it. My DP live far away and don't really celebrate Xmas (not a religious thing, they thinks it's too commercial so don't bother). They've been to stay before but have mobility issues and they struggle going upstairs in our house so don't like staying and they don't want to host Xmas at theirs).
We used to go IL's every year which is about hours drive away. DD was little. It was awful, lots of family would pop by but not enough seating so sat on floor, dinner wasn't great and they do nothing but watch sports all day so it was just depressing. They refuse to come to us as they like to drink and don't want to drive.

We don't have option for big family filled Xmas. My friends are all over country and have their own family to spend Xmas with.

Now DD is a teenager I feel guilty. The day feels like apart from gifts it's like any other day for her. No doubt I'll ask for ideas about how to improve this on a thread at some point before Xmas. She says she's fine with it but all her friends have big local families so I do wonder whether she is fine with it? It feels bit shit for her.

I'm debating holidays at Xmas in future. If we can afford it (debatable) to avoid this.

I've pushed against this for so many years. But now I think I get it. We will be hunkering down for Christmas Day, but fly to Budapest on the 28th for New Year to visit relatives.

So do NOT doubt yourself you're under no obligation to people who have not put your first over the years. Concentrate on your own little family .

We enjoy our board games in the afternoon and they are far more fun with a group. Would feel abit flat just the 4 of us. Minimum we have my parents this year in laws too alternate years both siblings and families so that gets crazy. Large family Christmases were some of my happiest childhood memories so glad we have been able to do the same for our kids.

The thing is, I’m sure we’d all love to have a big happy family who enjoys playing board games together after dinner, but the sad reality is that many of us don’t have that. Most of my extended family are dead, those still alive live 1000s of miles away. Others have strained relationships with their families, or toxic family members, or a variety of other reasons why Christmas Day with them wouldn’t equal a happy, chaotic, joyful time. That doesn’t mean a small family Christmas is boring or miserable, for some of us it’s the only option and for others it’s far preferable to spending it with extended family.

Having said that, I hate board games so even if we had any family to visit us that wouldn’t be happening 😁

@WiserOlderElf , totally with you ! I only have a tiny family and I hate board games . Christmas for us is me , dp three dc and mil.

Yes, we do much the same as you OP, and I do understand why you question yourself. We've been doing this for ten years, so it feels quite normal now. We used it as a chance to reinvent ourselves. Here's what we do for Christmas day:

1. Breakfast: normal or at a push something like waffles
2. Presents
3. Roast for lunch at 1pm-ish. No pudding.
4. Lovely big walk
5. Here's the best bit: instead of dinner, we have ALL THE PUDDINGS! There are five of us total: the rule is that everyone chooses a pudding in advance, and we then all tuck in after our big walk. Some of the puddings will be easy to make in advance, like ice-cream or Christmas cake, or a gingerbread house. This is huge fun, I highly recommend doing it while the kids are little. We've tried some quite adventurous things - was surprised to discover how easy it is to make baklava for example. Sometimes my brother and his partner will join us - in which case, they get in on the ALL THE PUDDINGS fun and bring something from her culture. Terrific fun!

I still love seeing my Gran on Christmas. The best thing about Christmas as a child was seeing grandparents and extended family.

As someone who isn't that old but has no blood relatives left since I was 47, I'm pretty grateful that my friends and a couple of step relatives don't "ringfence" their day and instead ask me if I'd like to do something together.

Christmas is always better being a big busy occasion for me. I loved travelling around in a car stuffed to the roof as a child and staying at different peoples houses. Piling in bedrooms with various cousins. It was so exciting.
I don't remember believing in Father Christmas but my Sister talks about being amazed he always knew where we were.

DH prefers the nuclear family Christmas. He grew up doing the same thing every year, and never liked having to go out to his aunties after breakfast then home to eat then out again to his Nanas for tea.

We've always done different things and have had years with just us but I prefer the busy years, so do DC.

We used to spend Christmas this way when I was a kid and while it was nice, I now prefer spending Christmas with either the in-laws and their extended family or my parents. The more the merrier! I also appreciate help with the preparations. Besides, we spend most of the rest of the year together as a nuclear family, so I love it when everyone gets together for a special occasion.

Honestly the thought of 'ringfencing' a day to 'hunker down' to play fucking board games.

Christmas Day isn't meant to feel like what you do when there's an imminent nuclear threat.