Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

I love this. I absolutely love Baklava too, but I always thought it would be complicated to make ! Definitely be doing this. Thank you for sharing.

😂

Totally agree.

Fwiw, my dc have always said their best Christmases were the ones with the most people.

@MightyGoldBear the baklava involves more butter than you could possibly dream of! It's easier to do with two, you get a little production line going - so me and my daughter enjoy making it together once school's finished for the holidays. Glad you like the idea, have fun!

Christmas day isn't meant to feel like a nightmare circus or noise and overcrowding you are forcibly dragged to against your will either.

If people WANT to get together thats great, literally no one is stopping those that WANT to but why try and FORCE/SHAME those who don't want to. Us spending our time in our house is nothing to do with anyone else. It's an invite not a summons and your want of a gathering is not more important than their want of privacy.

Also we aren't hiding underground eating spam, its not 'remain indoors'... its literally just relaxing together in our own home where we have full control and don't have to socially fake it, get dressed up, entertain others and cook for an army.

Frankly I find people are exhausting and I don't want to be exhausted on Xmas day, I just want to enjoy my favorite people which is my DH and kids. If people are upset by that boundary thats their own issue but our boundary is ours to set.

I know a woman who was single and childfree....it was her first Christmas after her parents had both died. Her only family was her sister who had just had her first baby. Her sister, despite getting on well with her, told her she couldn't come for Christmas as it was their first Christmas with the baby and they wanted it just to be the three of them 🤮

its literally just relaxing together in our own home where we have full control and don't have to socially fake it, get dressed up, entertain others and cook for an army

Isn't this what most weekends are like?

I don't, but my family are all close by and one of the things I love about Christmas Day is having loads of people around a table that's been extended with random items of furniture, using all sorts as makeshift chairs and everyone having to bring extra items to help host.

I can see why you approach it differently. You should do it the way that feels right for you.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

We're close to my parents and they only live 15 minutes away so we do either go to them or they come here for lunch. We used to live further away and would stay with them for the Christmas week most years, but they literally run a B & B. There's enough room for everyone to be comfortable and no rushing around on Xmas Day itself. Then we have a friend who would be spending it alone so we include him unless he gets a better offer. I refused to ever travel to SILs 2 bed flat (DH's sister) several hours away, which resulted in a bit of a tantrum, and also won't be travelling to my brother's (2 hrs away).

Anyone who wants to come to us is welcome (I enjoy hosting and anyway, there's always more than enough to go around) and I don't mind popping 15 minutes down the road to eat lunch at my Mum's, but apart from that, we stay at home with DD and SD every other year.

The other thing is that my son is autistic, so even if we had any family he’d find it far too overwhelming to have loads of people in his space all day.
It’s definitely a case of ‘each to their own’, but I do object to the people saying that if you don’t have the perfect family to have large busy Christmas’ with that your Christmas must be boring, not special and just like any other day, plus the implication that your children would far prefer the sort of Christmas that you’re not able to provide for them.

Only on MN would going round your mums for dinner be described as a 'nightmare circus'.

Exactly!

We did one 'nuclear' Christmas because of lockdown and it was shit. Like any other Sunday after the presents are done.

I totally understand if your DC is autistic.

but I do object to the people saying that if you don’t have the perfect family to have large busy Christmas’ with that your Christmas must be boring, not special and just like any other day

I have to say though...you don't have to have a perfect family to get together. No family is perfect. But unless people are actually abusive or unpleasant, why are people in such a hurry to distance themselves from others.

I’m really not in any hurry to distance myself from family, I just don’t have any! But other people do have abusive and unpleasant relatives, or family who would make the day difficult for whatever reason, and you can’t blame those people for not wanting to spend Christmas Day with them. I think a lot of women in particular get burdened with the whole hosting thing and it feels a lot more of a pleasure than a chore. Personally if we had family to spend it with and children who could cope with that then we would, but I also understand why others might not want to.

We did one 'nuclear' Christmas because of lockdown and it was shit. Like any other Sunday after the presents are done

I guess this is the sort of thing I mean. The implication that our Christmas’ must be shit because we don’t have a big family to spend it with, or don’t have children who could cope with a big family Christmas even if it was an option for us. Our Christmas’ definitely aren’t shit, they’re lovely. Just because other people do it differently, doesn’t mean ours are shit.

No I understand not everyone has extended family...I have a very small extended family although dh comes from a big family. My point was in general I find people nowadays so intolerant of others. A difficult elderly relative or eccentric aunt...and people just want to avoid. My view is teaching children a bit of tolerance towards others is probably a good thing. I definitely agree that Christmas is hard work particularly for women but my view is it's one day.

Yes you’re probably right on that front, people are more intolerant nowadays and seem to be much quicker to avoid others than they used to be.

No, we normally go out at weekend, do errands/shopping/run around tasks then soft plays/parks etc...

Christmas is a uniquely different day, you sit around opening presents then get to take the day to enjoy those new things together. What random weekend do you get new stuff and have to do nothing to do except sit and enjoy it?

I think you're reading that comment wrong. She said it was shit for them. I would miss my parents if I spent the whole of Xmas day without them. I've done it twice in my adult life and both times I expected it to be fun and was surrounded by people but just felt like it wasn't proper Xmas. Just like the time when my Mum made duck breasts for Xmas day rather than a full roast and my husband was devastated, even though I thought it was lovely and many families don't have a roast on Xmas day.

It certainly would be because like millions of people my mam is fucking dead.

What am I meant to do, dig her up and sit her at the table? Thats pretty nightmare-ish.

But @WiserOlderElf that's your reading of what I said. I didn't imply anything at all, simply described my own experience.

I can't help what you read into other peoples completely innocuous comments that are absolutely not about you.

Ok 😊

We have just the 4 of us on Christmas morning, then have every to ours every year. We have been to the in-laws once which was nice but our DC prefer having the day at home. We only have a small family so invite all the grandparents and any extras eg grandparents partners and on one occasion their son who was staying with them for lunch and they stay for the evening. The DC have no cousins so they are the only children.

We open our immediate family presents in the morning when its just the 4 of us and all other presents after lunch so the grandparents see the DC open what they have given. One set of parents take turns visiting us with step family. It's always been lovely to have a full house and for everyone to see the DC open their presents especially when they were younger.

Some years we do Boxing Day as well, but have varied this as it can be a bit samey with the same people, so have seen friends etc as well.

I'd expect the lond grandparent would drive or get a taxi to the care home to spend it with their spouse?

We also live 2/3 hours away from both sides (25 minutes apart from each other).

So when dd was small, we alternated between a year "just us" at home (which included some visits to extended family members on both sides near us, but cooking turkey for 3 and no visitors to us until 26th).

And the following year "down home", mostly renting a cottage to have some space, but eating 2 turkey dinners as 1 family ate at midday and the other in the evening.

It wasn't exactly every 2nd year, but worked out about 50% over time. And visits to extended family near us have reduced over the years on just us years, as they aren't there anymore.

This year, due to 1 job overseas, uni overseas (different EU country to the job) and 1 job remaining at home, the 3 of us decided in July that we will go to the overseas job location as there's a naice apartment, and to try something different as it will be literally just us. I am looking forward to it. We told extended family (DPs and siblings) a few weeks ago and no one queried it.

Meant to add that, due to similar distances, we have had Christmas "at home" from when I was 6 - DPs decided it was too hard to travel at that time of year with a number of smallies, and all the presents etc. We always travelled for a few days after 25th and before return to school/work instead and had a couple of big gatherings on both sides in that time.

I am now grown up with an adult DC, and my DPs have never travelled for Christmas Day since, only leaving home to go to mass and DF calling into work (6minutes away) to see the ones working that day for 30 minutes - although I believe they are going 10 miles to a sibling this year.

Not read all the responses as so many, but just to add another view to the mix. We spend it with my parents, so me and dh and our kids and my parents. When his widowed father was alive he was invited too as otherwise he would be alone. It did change the tone a bit as his dad was odd, but it was okay.
But my sibling does what you do and spends it just them. Which is fine and up to them, but means my kids don't get any of the cousin experience others have mentioned, which means that they ar emaking that decision not just for them. (Dh is only child. I have one sibling). What it means is that have completely vowed that if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren everyone can pile in and sleep on mattresses and sleeping bags etc, whatever works, to have the fun multigenerational many kids etc christmas I have always dreamed of.