Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

We don’t have any other family so thankfully can make Christmas Day special, despite the fact that we see each other every day!

25 plus years of having my mother, who doesn’t drive and has to be picked up.
Really resented it over the years when my sister or brother could have shared hosting her too, but have maybe twice.

Start as you mean to go on.

I grew up with massive Christmasses, around 30-35 of us, and I absolutely loved it. Without a doubt some of my favourite childhood memories are playing with all my cousins and sitting down with all my extended family to eat. We even did it two days in a row, Christmas eve with my mum's family, Christmas day with my dad's. No way would I have preferred to spend it just with my parents and siblings at home. However, this was lovely because my famiy isn't toxic or stiff, if they were then it would probably have been preferable to stay at home.

I'm still of the mind that the more the merrier at Christmas, there are plenty of other days for the kids to play with their toys and to have a relaxing days at home. I hate the thought of anyone alone at Christmas and have spent Christmasses with friends and neighbours before when family hasn't been an option (I lived abroad), the kids always loved it.

my children are not young going into their teens anymore and yes it grates because I did my duty when they were tiny, travelling to both sets annually no matter what and when the kids were a bit older, I had to juggle caring with DH as well as hosting in laws every other year and there was no offers of help or sympathy although I didn’t expect it . I’d love Xmas abroad or something like that . Hosting here also means I’m on the sofa in my fifties . To be honest I hate Christmas . I’ve never had the luxury of making a tradition nor is it likely to happen as of course DH wants to see his parents and feels bad for what his sibling has done although no one will discuss it . I miss my mum and dad and feel bad for my ils who were bewildered by it and they are wistful on the day . Sil and bil don’t even ring on Xmas day . There’s a duty phone call on Xmas Eve or an email . It’s all very alien from my childhood of the relatives ringing each other even if they couldn’t be together and a Scottish nye .

I get the grandparents argument. My DF is on his own now (DM is alive but in a care home) and last year he sent me a spiteful text on Christmas Day about being on his own. It didn't really wash with me. 23 years since I left home and not once, even pre-kids did my parents invite me for lunch. They loved existing in their own little bubble, even when I did have kids weren't bothered about seeing them. But now my DF is faced with seeing nobody (through his own doing - he hasn't seen his own family in years) he wants to be included in my Christmas celebrations. He's difficult, cantankerous and will change the whole dynamic of the day.

The more the merrier for me too! I love the games and the loudness of christmas day!! My parents died when I was in my 30’s so it’s always been a mix of DH’s family and my sister’s family.

We host. Anyone is welcome. This year we will have MIL, husband's brother, our "kids" 22/23 and will invite neighbour from across the way who is alone. The kids cousins will drop in sometime. Any waifs and strays amongst friends and family know there is an open house - til 10pm, then I get my hot chocolate and a book... and people still around fend for themselves or go home.

The "kids" are already talking about how they'll host alternate years and they'll need to borrow the tablecloth and other "absolutely necessary Christmas bits" (and probably the house I imagine!) 😂

Christmas is such a minefield

I've newly married. We've gone to my now husbands family every year since we got together (7 years) because my parents are divorced and my siblings were with their in laws, but his all got together.

I found it a bit loud and obviously it's fine but didn't really feel like my Christmas, like I was just THERE at someone else's. This year we're going to stay home just us 2, that's what I'd like to always do, especially when we have children but I'm going to take each year as it comes.

Since telling them we're staying at home, there was some resistance but now they're all saying they (nuclear families) might go abroad, might stay by themselves... I think it started the conversation that you don't have to keep it the same every year forever

Good for you. We prefer it the other way 🤷‍♀️

I understand.

Every year I end up reluctantly hosting one or other set of GPs, or both, plus DH’s sibling and partner. They all get to have a nice Christmas and mine is crap. My teen DC don’t enjoy having guests and say they don’t enjoy the day.

One of my DC has gone to Uni and will be back for Christmas. As a result I’ve stamped my foot down and said no, we aren’t hosting, I’m having my DC to myself on Christmas and Boxing Day. DH and I aren’t only children, there are siblings, and they can do it.

I’ll get push back on this but I don’t care. I’ve had enough of it.

And some of us don’t have the choice, as all our family are dead or live 1000s of miles away. I don’t think it makes our Christmas’ any less special though, we enjoy it.

💞 sorry I posted my last comment before I saw this. Could you go away after Christmas and see that as your Christmas break? Or ask them to stay nearby in a hotel or rent a big house?

I'm annoyed for you. Sorry if my suggestions are annoying you. I hope everyone appreciates your efforts

I miss bundling up the kids in the car with their presents and going down to my parents (or in-laws when I was married). I loved the larger family gatherings.

It's just me and them now, plus they are grown, and we do still have fun and a nice day but those Christmases with grandparents/cousins are still a really happy memory.

Since COVID we stay home, family of 5, to ourselves on 25, 26 then do a day with my parents 27 and DH parents 28th. They are not far away but I found loading the kids (who want to stay and open presents!!) in and out the car and travelling took too much out of the day. They're 7, 5 and 2 now. Works for us! I don't think the parents mind as its better if they get a whole uninterrupted day with the kids who then have some amazing games etc they want to play with them, rather than frazzled people arriving, staying for a couple of hours then uprooting again. But this is just how we go. Me and DH are rather on the unsociable side so it's not a suprise to anyone.

Well @WiserOlderElf I wasn't speaking for everyone was I? I was answering the question asked, for myself.

Quite the opposite... we invite everyone/anyone we know at a loose end. My parents always did, and when we're not at my in-laws, I do too.

Of course.
Sometimes it’s hard to read how small nuclear family Christmas’ must be awful, when you don’t have any choice in the matter because your extended family are dead. I was just saying that small family Christmas’ can be lovely too.
Enjoy your Christmas ❤️

Since you both have various siblings who usually visit the parents on Christmas day, and you also live at a slight distance, I think it is fine to stay home.

The one caveat is, you are showing your children how to do Christmas, so you also need to be okay with them not including you in their Christmases in due course.

No, because that would leave MIL on her own which isn't fair. We don't have a big family, only one sibling between us and they're usually away and don't have kids.

Tbh I spend all year with my nuclear family, it's nice to get the grandparents together for the day! I can understand it's different if you have a lot of children and a complicated family dynamic over siblings/aunts and uncles etc though.

Yes, even though both sets of grandparents are now widowed we won't change it. Christmas day if we are not working (both shift workers) are a very chill pj day with good food and Christmas telly. We go out for a meal with respective parents at some point over the Christmas period and exchange presents

No not all . I totally get what you are saying. I think people should be in their homes at Christmas . In laws have plenty of room and are super welcoming lovely young at heart people , so often it makes sense to be there but as the DC are now in teens they want to be at home , see there friends so it means compromise . I want to be in my home Christmas too not a hotel or doing a Xmas that is theirs . I never to get to cook for example or choose the menu really. A hotel doesn’t work as they bring their animals which we have to accommodate . For example we look after them whilst they visit sil and bil on Boxing Day to their ring fenced Xmas ! I might be a leetle bitter after all these years 😂 but experience tells me it will change again . At least the dementia & toddler years are now behind me that was a crappy Xmas for a couple of years !

I would, but the way my shifts have fallen in recent years, we wouldn't get a decent amount of time with one family as we have to travel and stay up to see both both. This year is going to be difficult, as I'm pretty sure I'll be working Christmas eve, and the 27th. D:

It's how I was brought up too after a disastrous Christmas day when my Nan insisted we come to visit her and open our presents there. What they failed to realise is that a 4 year old me would be very upset at seeing her presents under the Christmas tree, but not being allowed to open them as they were then loaded into the car. Then only being allowed to play with only a couple of them while we were there. Ofc my younger siblings (2 and 6 months) were then equally upset about the whole thing too. My Mum swore never again, and I've got the memories deterring me too. All my other Christmas memories of me and the family are wonderful.

We have Christmas at home since my dc were born, but everyone visits us on the afternoon (parents live close by). I don't do the big family dinner as my house isn't very big and my parents always have my brother and sil stay and my sister, so it just wouldn't work here.

The rights and wrongs of hosting/not hosting, hinge for me on the type of parents you had. I came from a very loving home and would never leave my parents or my siblings alone at Christmas. But if my folks had been less than lovely, I'd feel no guilt or obligation and wouldn't sacrifice what I wanted for what they wanted!

And I wouldn't feel bad about leaving a couple to spend Christmas together - that's not the same as being alone at Christmas.
I do think that people have to be mindful of their siblings when they decide to opt out of all obligations to elderly parents though. It's not fair that some people never get a break from the work because their siblings won't share the load. But some people are just really selfish and what can you do apart from be selfish yourself, which hurts the people you care about.

We do. We spend christmas eve with my parents as its my mums birthday and boxing day with in laws. I just wanted a relaxed day with the kids opening their pressies and playing with their toys and games. We're out at a local hotel this year for christmas lunch and will probably end up in the pub. We've lived away from parents so always spent time with friends on christmas day before the kids arrived. Now we are all in the same town we still have allocated days and christmas day on our own.

Careful. I did this with a casual "anyone is welcome to come to us instead" 33 years later I'm still fecking hosting.