Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

We have done all sorts over the years, hosting a big group, visiting in laws, alternating fairly.

But the past few years it has been just us on Christmas Day, for a few reasons.

We live a long drive from both sets of family, so overnight stays are necessary. Whilst we can squeeze everyone in for one night, it gets untenable for multiple nights, particularly with adult-sized teens who take up a lot more space than they did as toddlers - but they usually want to stay about 5 days to make the epic drive worthwhile.
If we just invite parents, then DH’s brother and family are on their own for not just Christmas Day but a chunk of the Christmas period, or if we invite his brother then his parents are on their own, and the same goes for my side of the family.

We have pets, I prefer not to ask pet sitter to come in on Christmas Day or Boxing Day , so we would rather be at home then.

I’d love to just host for the day, or just visit family for the day, or pay to put guests up in a hotel close to us, but it’s just too far/expensive.

So we have decided we will have multiple Christmasses instead! Drive to one family either before or after Christmas, stay a couple of nights, and host another family before or after for a longer period, and alternate year on year, but have Christmas Day at home.

This year we will host grandparents for a week before Christmas, then Christmas Day and Boxing Day just us, then drive to visit the other side of the family between Christmas and New Year.

Sounds wonderful. My DH and I are very very close to our parents but even we have decided this year to spend the day just the 4 of us (DCs are 3 and 6) as so much easier. We’ll have lovely family time on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. My happiest childhood memories are Christmas days with just my parents and sister. Have a gorgeous day.

We’ve been having this convo this week. Both from big sociable (reasonably happy) extended families, so tend to go that route. This year we’re a bit burnt out by intense work, haven’t had as much family time as we’d like, and considering a quieter just us year. So it’s partly situational, too.

Yes I love it just being us. As kids it was just us and as an adult that was what I wanted too.

The difference between Christmas and a normal weekend is the kids have lots of new toys and we have all day to play with their new toys with them. I absolutely love that and don't want to have to be entertaining/feeding anyone else or having to drive to see others.

Exactly that. Dinner is served when dinner is served - sometimes it gets delayed because we're all in the middle of playing a game. If I had to entertain or be at someone else's house I'd feel like we were on a schedule and couldn't relax. For us, it's a day to really indulge in our children, stop all the clocks, relax and have fun.

We always ringfenced Christmas Day and my parents came on Boxing Day. We went to DHs parents the week before. DS and DiL do the same thing.

I would say you'd like to cook one year, or maybe do part of it. It's not fair they haven't let you.

Part of the reason I want to stay home is because my childhood Christmases were mostly bad, there was a lot of tension when my parents were together and after the divorce we were going between houses and both parents were difficult with us. It's the little things too like I never got to watch Dr Who Christmas special or films I liked in the background.

I really dreaded Christmas every year but my stepdad told me I have to move on, and make a new Christmas for myself. He's absolutely right. (Not trying to rub anything in but) planning the food, decorating my own home, making traditions and not having to drive around has made me look forward to it so much more.

Christmas should be a lovely enjoyable family time. For some that means extended family, for some it's nuclear family, for some it's friends. Do whatever works for you.

We keep Christmas morning for ourselves but always host a large late afternoon meal for all. My only rule is that by start of December I need to know who is coming and more important any dietary issues - this goes back a few years to son letting me know on Xmas Eve that his new GF was vegan!!!!

I’m sorry to hear that your childhood ones generally sucked and I again I so get the wanting to do the “ poncetastic “ one . I do like getting the tree but when we go away it seems so pointless these days . No one else is bothered . I do have a bit of thing for Xmas magazine . I’ve been laying the groundwork . DH and mil are a bit of a double act in the kitchen the whole day and that’s their tradition making me feel like a bit of a spare part ( great when the kids were small or I had to dash of to an emergency call to the carers ) . I get the starter or the cheeseboard ! . The food is wonderful and I’m an ok cook. I’m laying the ground work atm - I’ve tried before but it was met with a bit of teasing “ oh we will be eating m&s frozen bits “ ( they will 😂 well mostly ) it might be a case of careful what you wish for ! I wish you a lovely Xmas anxious tea lady x it’s been a chance to vent !

The first Christmas after DH and I got married we had it just the two of us but since then we have always spent it with family.

We used to have a rota it was my parents to us then his parents to us, Then us to my parents and then us to his parents.

As the parents have got older they are now less able to have us to theirs. So we are looking at alternate years of my parents to us over Christmas and then his parents. Those who don't come to us on Christmas then come to us over New year.

We have the added complication that his parents live in the same town as my parents (two hours away from us) and do not have any space to accommodate us. So we always stay with my parents and then just go to his for the day on Christmas when it is their year.

But now that my parents cannot cope with us staying with them due to their ill health, everyone is going to have to come to us or not see us I guess!

Growing up we always had my dad's family over and my cousins on my dad's side and one of my dad's friends visiting for at least a week so we had an absolute house full. So for me Christmas is about people but looking back it's really weird that my mum's family were never involved and I don't have any memories of seeing her side of the family at Christmas time at all.

We try to be really fair to everybody but I am much firmer about people needing to travel to us rather than expecting us to go to them all the time which was the original expectation when we had children.

We had one Christmas with just the four of us over covid and that was a lot nicer than I had expected it to be. So I haven't ruled out nuclear family Christmas for the future, but I think we would always want to try and see family if we could.

I hope you have a good one too 💞

Don't be afraid to be a bit more pushy, what are they going to do? Tell you not to come? It's a win-win lol

We get on with extended family so Xmas is a big day together then the rest of the time is just our family.

Um...Because traditionally a huge part of Christmas is caring about other people and showing you love them?

Honestly sometimes i think the "just our little family" christmases are a bit selfish. Very understandable in lots of cases and obviously every family is different, but, for example, I was the last in my family to have children and had to work over christmas so out of the equation (thankfully). Both of my siblings did "our little family" christmas days leaving my parents on their own which they were disappointed by and was a bit crap when youve got grandchildren you'd love to see. In their case they both lived less than 20 mind away from my parents, get on very well and my parents did absolutely loads of childcare for both of them yet they couldn't be bothered to pop round for an hour?

In such cases i think it's mean to be "our little family" when it suits but "It takes a village" whenever you want a night out or advice or to save a fortune on nursery fees or expensive presents.

Obviously that's different to ops situation and as I said every family is different.

Why is what you want more important than what they want?

Exactly. For some people, inviting family takes away the enjoyment!

Do what makes you happy!
Can't understand why so many people put ip with stressful awful times

We do! Always makes me feel quite selfish but we do Xmas Eve with my family and Boxing Day with in laws. I love doing the gifts and playing games just us but I think my DM would like us to stay Xmas day but my DB does so she’s not alone ( we obviously wouldn’t do it if he didn’t stay).

"Why is what you want more important than what they want?"

@Anxioustealady maybe the grandparents don't always feel like doing loads of babysitting, but do it to help out and be kind to their adult kids. Relationships should be reciprocal.

Why is Xmas more about the gifts than spending time with people?
Fair enough if you have horrible families but my childhood memories of occasions are always around the people we saw and the time we spent. Sometimes the people were annoying but I laugh with my siblings about them now.

Monkey see monkey do, if you're happy modelling a nuclear family Christmas to your children then hopefully you'll be equally as happy when you're older and spending Christmas Day alone.

I've hosted parents and in-laws for all my married life, nearly 30 years, because siblings want the nuclear family option. If I decided that this year I wasn't going to host it would mean two elderly women sitting by themselves and I just couldn't do that no matter how much it might inconvenience me.

No DCs here, so I spend it with just DH and the dog, have done since we've been together apart from one year we went away. IL's live 150 miles away and like to go out locally for Xmas dinner, we usually see them in the runup. SIL and her partner also do their own thing.

On my side, DB and SIL plus toddler DC are 300 miles away and my widowed DM is just down the road from them so she goes there for the day. Every year she says she'd like to come to us 'for a change' but won't consider any travel option other than my DH doing what can be a 10 hour round trip to pick her up and drop her off (I have a health problem that makes long drives difficult), which isn't happening. Plus she would want to stay for a week at least and we don't really have a spare room as we sleep separately.

So it's just us - like someone said upthread I would love to have the type of family that would make it all happy and joyous, but we both have fairly distant relationships with ours, and even if everyone came here I can't see it being very enjoyable, it would be quite awkward I imagine. Probably says a lot that no-one ever suggests the idea of a big family Christmas!

No we don't, for two reasons. Both my family and my in-laws live hundreds miles away/abroad. We don't see them enough and Christmas is an opportunity for quality time together. We alternate between my family and my in-laws each year.
Secondly, I remember as a child my parents kept Christmas small for just our nuclear family. It broke my heart that my Grandma spent every Christmas day alone. In my mind, that goes against the Christmas spirit. Christmas is a time of goodwill and kindness so I don't want to exclude anyone.

Yes, I've often thought about how things will pan out in the future. But hand on heart I would want DC to have the Christmas they wanted. I would absolutely hate to ever feel they were seeing me out of obligation. Just as in the same way I'll never pressure them to get married, have a child, live close by etc just to meet my needs if they don't want to. I don't think you raise children to keep you company when you're old, or look after you, or any other obligation really.

I'm ok about doing something different for Christmas so if I found myself in my own or just with DH, I'd probably end up in a hotel or in a different country and let DC have their own Christmas. If they did want to invite me then that would be wonderful too - and we have a very different relationship to the one I have with my parents, thank goodness.

I (and DD) much prefer a big family christmas with lots of hustle and bustle - I like hosting and dont find it stressful. (aftercooking for 170 people on a scout camp, 12 people for christmas is a doddle!)

We don't do the same every year, its normally a combination of various family members. This year however due to other things it looks like it might just be us! DH and the boys are not bothered but DD has stated it wont be the same.

For us the nuclear family hunker down thing is the days between xmas and new year when we slob around in pjs, watching films and playing board games whilst munching on cheese, chocolate and turkey sandwiches.