Does anyone ringfence Christmas Day for just their nuclear family?

[flymetothemoo]

We've done this since having DC as I want DC to wake up and enjoy the day / their toys in their own home without travelling. We also go to a lovely local event on Christmas Eve every year.

Grandparents live 2/3 hours away. We tend to visit them on 26/27th for a day each or thereabouts depending on their plans.

We are not really close to either sets of grandparents and both DH and I had quite difficult upbringings, though we do love our parents but more out of sense of duty if that makes sense. DC aren't aware and have an ok time with their grandparents, if feeling a little bored (and they are a bit strict).

One grandparent now sadly has dementia and it looks likely that they will need residential care in due course, so the other will be living alone. I'm wondering how Christmas Day will pan out in that instance.

Both DH and I have a number of siblings but again not close - on polite and friendly basis, weather conversations , how's work going etc. Most of our siblings are single / child-free, and in recent years some or one of them has visited the grandparents on the day itself.

Anyway each year I read on MN about families getting together and feel a bit guilty but equally I do feel I'm not close to my birth family and that my DC and my DH mean the world to me so they are my priority for the day itself. Not sure if that seems silly. Strangely even my mother and father only visited their parents on Boxing Day and the days afterwards, and ringfenced the 25th for our nuclear family when I was a kid.

Does anyone resonate with this? I'm interested to hear about other peoples arrangements.

No, we’ve always had a houseful or gone to my parents or in laws. Love a big family gathering, cooking and eating together.
However this year we are just the 4 of us and having the big get together Boxing Day. Not sure how to feel about it. Love DH and DC of course but we have lots of time as a 4. Hopefully it will still be special and relaxing at least!

I'd do anything to have my parents round for Christmas dinner but sadly my mum passed away 5 years ago and my dad 2 weeks ago. Life passes by too quickly and I was lucky to have 45 Christmas's with them but for me looking at two empty chairs this year is heartbreaking. I get that family dynamics are difficult and not all families get along but I know my parents loved seeing my son open up his gifts so I'm glad I made sacrifices to make their Christmas special.

Spending Christmas with another family you like could also be an option, if you know anyone else in the same situation.

I think OP means travelling Xmas day. We used to have to do this and it eats into the day itself if you're spending a few hours in the car visiting family.

We used to have big family Xmas but since covid and having our second DC we have it at home just us. We also don't live close to family so we prefer the day without travelling. We actually have one parent who spends it alone through choice after years of inviting them and cancelling on us last minute (even when we paid deposits for their meals when eating out). Even so, I would always feel guilty around this time of year. Now it's been about 3-4 years of this, I think everyone knows this is what we do and I'm happy to just things as they are and carry on like this for now although we have said to family if anyone wants to spend it with us they can do if they're willing to travel to us.

Yes, I’ve done this for many years and it’s the way to go! Don’t feel guilty, I spent ages feeling guilty and kind of hankering for that big family vibe, but the reality is that Christmas Day is much better with just us

I have always just spent Christmas with partner, dc and mil . Two
of my 3 dc are autistic, so they need to able to retreat into their own space . My mum and I have a very difficult relationship and she is now in a care home , so it is just 6 of us .

OP, I could have written your post! So many similarities. We grit our teeth with both families.

I would prefer the day to be our little family only (me, DH and DC). We will likely see my family on the day and see in-laws the week before.

I feel when DC is old enough to sit in a restaurant, we will think about going out for Xmas lunch to a nice hotel and not worry about strained family relationships.

Honestly? You'll be the grandparent one day. I'm sure you'll find out in time what the impact of making a decision like that will be.

I'm sure you will expect the same response from your own children.

I have an open door policy for Christmas. It's just me and ds 13. Whoever wants to join us is welcome. We have very little family but lots of friends.

I'm curious if birth family is used for those who aren't adopted? I was adopted from care so I have a birth mom and birth family. I've never seen anyone use it that's not adopted.

We are close to all family and still so this, because I think it's best. Many people do this.

I don't understand the problem with your sil & bil sorry? Why is it bad of them, surely they have a right to choose for themselves what they do

Sort of.

Last year we said we would be staying at ours and playing with toys. Family live close and invited them over for Buck’s Fizz and pastries in the morning so they could see the kids.

We still went to in laws on Xmas eve and my parents on Boxing Day though.

You can do a trial run with lone grandparent inviting them for a special weekend to see how the dynamics are before inviting for XMas as once you do that it would be hard to stop inviting for XMas.

We have always shared the day or travelled to be with older relatives. We don’t have any left now as my mother died recently and we will all miss the fun of grandma playing Exploding Kittens.

Yes, for two reasons. We live some distance from our families, so while visits can be done in a day, they often involve overnight stays. That's a bit much with DC and their gifts to consider. The other reason is that I am often liable to work at Christmas, including the day itself, so it's just easier to stay at home.
I like it this way, it's relaxed but still fun.

No, I can't think of anything worse. We eat together every day, what's special about the four of us eating a roast together?

You make it special.

House beautifully decorated, festooned with fairy lights. Music and chatter and laughter.

Table set with candles and crackers. Delicious meal eaten at leisure.

A walk, Christmas telly, evening buffet.

Sadly, my parents are dead, DH's parents go abroad to see his brother. My sister is obliged to entertain her in laws but we do see her and the cousins on boxing day.

It's just the 3 of us every Christmas Eve and Day and it's always fab. We don't need a crowd to make it special and fun 🙂

We did this when the dc were small. We would visit family 26th and 27th but Christmas eve Christmas day was just us. It meant we could focus on the children and keep it chilled. Christmas is pretty overwhelming for small children and wider family often have unrealistic expectations. We started seeing family on Christmas day when youngest was mid to late primary age I think. 2 out of the 3 dc have now left home but still come home for Christmas. I do try to make sure we get some time just the 5 of us but have to be very flexible about when it is. Parents are getting quite elderly now so we do prioritise them.

It means I don’t have a choice but to always host or travel to elderly in-laws ( their parents ) and keep family Christmas going along with DH and the gps see a least one set of gc Yes , they have chosen not to and yes that is their boundary to make which I have to respect . They choose to make a day visit to in-laws during the Christmas period or ask them to drive over from ours for the day over the Christmas period when we are hosting as we are geographically nearer . Back in the past, when I was caring for my parents on Xmas day, one year DH offered literally to pop in & drop of gifts ( over a2hr drive) when they hosted the in-laws so they could see all the gcs together and he could see his parents , he was told “ no it wouldn’t work for them “ and that was that . No back story . No big bust up. Just withdrawal from extended family life . I jokingly suggested going away for Christmas after my parents had gone but DH pointed out that left elderly gcs on their own . It’s all very confusing and a bit sad but yes it’s their choice to make but doesn’t fill me with hope as their parents age and I’ve already done that and got that T-shirt so talk of a ring fenced Xmas can mean someone else has to pick up the baton to do the extended family one .

I do. Haven’t always, but these days I do. I have a child with complex SEN and his anxiety increases exponentially in the run up to Christmas and the day (especially the morning) itself. So I keep it simple with little expectation. It works for us and I would hope that any family who would ideally prefer to share Christmas Day with us would accept it without question.

Yeah this. It's very insular but no doubt by the time you're grandparents you'll expect to be hosted by your adult children.

Be interesting to see if they say 'no sorry, just our little family at Christmas we'll see you next week'

God no the more the merrier. We host parents and in laws and alternative years siblings. Kids now teens absolutely love it and were horrified at the thought of it being just us.

Oh OK I see. Thanks for responding.

I don't mean to annoy you by saying this but remember that it's your Christmas too and if you have children, you only get so many when they're young. If the grandparents still have each other, I think it's fine for them to spend the day together.

And I promise we are a normal family - no bust ups , being over familiar, overbearing or racist drunken stuff that means you can’t stand your in-laws . For years I think it’s case of where they chose to really estrange themselves and we honestly don’t know why . Mil doesn’t want to discuss it , it’s too painful . It’s so awkward and unhappy for them but they had to accept it from some of their own children.

Apart from during covid we haven't done just the 4 of us. But it has sometimes just been my mum as well. And to be honest it is a bit dull. We try really hard with the decorating and the food but it feels like any other Sunday roast a bit.

My kids actually view in-law Christmas as actual Christmas even though it's not always on Christmas day. They like seeing their cousins.