Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Husband said that this Christmas has been the worst

220 replies

Shkbop · 27/12/2022 11:20

Warning; very long post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Last night husband said that this Christmas has been the worst. He said it so casually but the comment really hurt me.

I have found parenthood very rough. I ended up with PPD, a rough c-section recovery, colic baby with reflux and feeding problems who struggles with sleep.

However, I quickly recognised that I wasn't OK and I sought help and have been on anti-depressants for the last 4 months. LO is now 7 months and I feel like I'm starting to enjoy.

My husband clearly doesn't feel the same way and he said the following:

  • Christmas has been really un-enjoyable (we have all 3 been quite ill but apparently this wasn't the only negative....)
  • LO is hard work.
  • LO doesn't sleep and the evenings are crap as I am constantly up and down trying to get him off.
  • We don't do anything fun together anymore.
  • We aren't intimate anymore.
  • He hasn't enjoyed any outings with LO (with particular reference to when we took him to meet Santa, which I really enjoyed)
  • He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.
  • We don't do anything with our weekends.
  • He thought things would get better by 6 months but they haven't.
  • He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

He then goes on to say that it isn't a criticism of me and that he is glad that I am here and that LO is also here.

I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered.

I dont know how to help him. He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling. He has spoken to someone at work who told him that it gets better over time (the person giving advice has two teenage children). I made a few suggestions to try and help like:

  • asking MIL to watch LO 1 or 2 nights a month for us to go out (he said it was a bad idea to leave LO with MIL as she drinks on a weekend but I feel that's a BS answer).
  • switching roles up on weekdays like I walk dog and cook tea (LO will not sleep for anyone other than me so I can't change that).
  • Sleep training LO so we get a bit more time to ourselves in the evening.
  • Suggesting he talk to more people in work who have children about his problems.

I was quite blunt, and made it clear that LOs sleep will always fluctuate and pointed out he had been ill. I also said that my understanding of parenthood is that while it might get easier it's just ever changing and we have to adapt. I did ask whether it would be best if myself and LO stayed at my mother's for a little while to give him a break but he was adamant that wasn't the answer. He doesn't have an answer and that it will just get better with time.

I can't see that working. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help? What to do? I feel like my marriage is disintegrating and that he probably has depression. I am trying to be empathetic because I have experienced PPD but the things he has said have shocked me.

OP posts:
MyBooksAndMyCats · 27/12/2022 11:21

Sounds like he has male PND. Has he been to the doctors?

SparklingLime · 27/12/2022 11:23

Don’t turn yourself inside out trying to be empathetic. He sounds like a selfish prick. He may just be that, no depression required. I’m sorry, it sounds awful for you.

Alisonscutehairflick · 27/12/2022 11:25

Actually he sounds like he’s really struggling and I bet a lot of what he said would resonate with my husband too.

I don’t think it’s about you OP I know it’s hRd not to take it that way but it seems like he’s very down about life in general.

life with a little one can be wearing and if you’ve been struggling previously I imagine that was also hard for him. I know when I was in the grips of post natal anxiety it was so so hard for DH as well as me.

has he spoken to anyone else about it? Do you think he would?

is he positive about other aspects of life or generally feeling like this about everything
its hurtful to hear but it sounds like he’s trying to open up to you about how he’s feeling

Afterfire · 27/12/2022 11:27

I think you’re taking it too personally really. Everyone is entitled to feel things are crap
sometimes and it doesn’t sound like he’s personally attacking you, just that life is a bit shit with a young baby, which is mostly is for a lot of people really. I only really started to enjoy my two children (10 years apart!) when they got to about 3. However, he should be trying to do more to help himself and appreciate the fact you’re doing a lot to give him time to himself etc. When do you get time to yourself?

stayathomer · 27/12/2022 11:27

If you had depression can you not empathise with this? He’s wrecked and worn out and you were sick on the one time of the year people expect to get to put their feet up. I’ve definitely been where he is, wondering when it gets easier (which it totally does, then harder in different ways lol). Talk to him, maybe he needs counselling, maybe he doesn’t, maybe he just needs a few nights sleep or a break, no one will know this until he comes out the other side. I moaned to my dh so much and I’m embarrassed now but you don’t see it until you’re out the other side

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 27/12/2022 11:27

Sleep train your dc. It really is life changing.

Flapjack637 · 27/12/2022 11:27

SparklingLime · 27/12/2022 11:23

Don’t turn yourself inside out trying to be empathetic. He sounds like a selfish prick. He may just be that, no depression required. I’m sorry, it sounds awful for you.

This. He’s experiencing parenthood. It isn’t always fun and the first few years can be really hard work but you have to make the most of the good bits.
I’d either ignore him and crack on. Or get him doing a share of the night wakings etc and see how he likes it then. Sorry OP 💐

stayathomer · 27/12/2022 11:28

When I say you are sick I mean you all, not just you!!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/12/2022 11:28

I think the first Christmas with a baby is the worst though because it's impossible to navigate. You don't really get to celebrate like you've always done, too young and changeable to start new traditions, baby doesn't really care etc. Throw illness into the mix and lack of sleep and it's probably been a huge build up for little reward. My DS is 5 and I love Christmas with him now, but previously it's felt a bit anticlimactic and pressure to make this perfect environment.
Now we've all completely relaxed into it and know what to expect.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 27/12/2022 11:28

Well there are a plethora of dick husbands being described on Mumsnet at the moment and I really do wonder why their wives put up with such shit.

News flash for your DH: having kids is tough. It changes your life; it can feel relentless in the early days. But the good really does outweigh the bad.

He sounds like a selfish prick. You are letting him off parenting (allowing the sleep ins and doing the night waking etc etc) and he is a resentful whiny manchild.

Tell him for pull himself together or you and your LO will be better off on your own. After all sounds like you do all the work anyway.

Bonheurdupasse · 27/12/2022 11:30

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 27/12/2022 11:27

Sleep train your dc. It really is life changing.

This OP!

bloodywhitecat · 27/12/2022 11:30

There are things there that would make me think he might be depressed.

Shesasuperfreak · 27/12/2022 11:31

But why is he not seeking out professional help?
OP cant carry him and herself and carry on doing all the stuff she has been doing.

Its great that he has recognised and has spoke up now he needs to man up and go to the Drs if he is serious about feeling better.

Deadringer · 27/12/2022 11:32

He sounds like a moany hole. It's not your job to make life easier for him, it sounds like you have enough on your plate. Life isn't all roses, he needs to suck it up and make an effort, if he does life might improve.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/12/2022 11:33

Also, my DHs mental health deteriorated massively after DS. People are far more sympathetic for women with PND than they are of men. In fact, my HV told DH to 'man up' which I was furious about.
You can't tie yourself up in knots to make things better, but you do need to be there for him too. Somehow without sacrificing your own MH and wellbeing.

It's very tricky and there is still a lot of stigma attached to men being able to talk about things and share thoughts and feelings. If he has any close male friends who also have kids encourage him to speak to them

MissTiggywinkles · 27/12/2022 11:35

I can’t believe people on here are being so harsh! If a woman had posted that she had thoughts about her family being better off “without her”, there would be multiple sympathetic posts offering support. Because it’s a man he’s a selfish prick?
being a new parent and having a baby that doesn’t sleep is tough for everyone, we all handle things differently. It sounds to me like he’s depressed OP.

bellac11 · 27/12/2022 11:36

All of his feelings seem understandable and reasonable and its right that he talks about it surely? I would feel its valuable that he is sharing his feelings?

Not everyone that is feeling low or down needs counselling or therapy or medication, these things may well pass but it wont if you try to shut his emotions down.

Schnooze · 27/12/2022 11:38

Life changes with a baby and he’s struggling to cope with this. He’s just got to get on with it until the baby is older. Age three ime!
It seems forever at the time, but eventually he’ll look back on this hard time, as just a hard time.

gamerchick · 27/12/2022 11:38

Having a baby is like a bomb going off in a relationship, apparently you have to give it a year before it settles down. It's important to keep the bond and deal with low feelings straight away.. like you did OP.

Don't turn yourself inside out, it has to come from him.

ButterflyOil · 27/12/2022 11:39

stayathomer · 27/12/2022 11:27

If you had depression can you not empathise with this? He’s wrecked and worn out and you were sick on the one time of the year people expect to get to put their feet up. I’ve definitely been where he is, wondering when it gets easier (which it totally does, then harder in different ways lol). Talk to him, maybe he needs counselling, maybe he doesn’t, maybe he just needs a few nights sleep or a break, no one will know this until he comes out the other side. I moaned to my dh so much and I’m embarrassed now but you don’t see it until you’re out the other side

Maybe you should reread the post. She was sick but she still did the following:

I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower.

So which part of that was him not being able to put his feet up while she was sick? Did you just not comprehend the part where she basically did it all while he stayed in bed?

BorgQueen · 27/12/2022 11:42

God I’m suck of arsehole whiney Men, wtf did he expect with a young baby, it’s often an unrelenting slog.
Want him to know what a really crap Christmas entails? Spending your baby’s 1st one away in a war zone, just like my DH did, more than once.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 27/12/2022 11:43

My ds is in the army.. Sleep deprivation training is used in initial training.. He said it was much worse than the outdoor sleeping in trenches nights.

Don't underestimate how it is affecting you both. Yes dc need comfort etc. But sleep is vital for the whole family..

ChocoFudge · 27/12/2022 11:46

You had a baby, what exactly was he expecting?! Yes it is tiring and sometimes boring and repetitive, particularly if you have a bad sleeper. Sleep training is an option to deal with that aspect but otherwise he just has to get on with it, and see a doctor if he feels he might be depressed.

Coooosd · 27/12/2022 11:48

If he refuses to seek medical help for how he's feeling there's not much you can do without taking on even more responsibilities yourself.

If he is depressed then he's being selfish and needs to man up a bit and get some help. Nobody wants to take anti depressants but they exist for a very good reason.

Mammillaria · 27/12/2022 11:48

I think it depends whether he is expecting you to fix his problems, or just looking for a sympathetic ear.

All the problems he has spoken of are things that he has the power to do something about. Sympathise with him and support any reasonable attempts he makes to improve family life, but don't feel like these are problems you have to solve.