Husband said that this Christmas has been the worst

[Shkbop]

Warning; very long post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Last night husband said that this Christmas has been the worst. He said it so casually but the comment really hurt me.

I have found parenthood very rough. I ended up with PPD, a rough c-section recovery, colic baby with reflux and feeding problems who struggles with sleep.

However, I quickly recognised that I wasn't OK and I sought help and have been on anti-depressants for the last 4 months. LO is now 7 months and I feel like I'm starting to enjoy.

My husband clearly doesn't feel the same way and he said the following:

• Christmas has been really un-enjoyable (we have all 3 been quite ill but apparently this wasn't the only negative....)
• LO is hard work.
• LO doesn't sleep and the evenings are crap as I am constantly up and down trying to get him off.
• We don't do anything fun together anymore.
• We aren't intimate anymore.
• He hasn't enjoyed any outings with LO (with particular reference to when we took him to meet Santa, which I really enjoyed)
• He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.
• We don't do anything with our weekends.
• He thought things would get better by 6 months but they haven't.
• He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

He then goes on to say that it isn't a criticism of me and that he is glad that I am here and that LO is also here.

I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered.

I dont know how to help him. He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling. He has spoken to someone at work who told him that it gets better over time (the person giving advice has two teenage children). I made a few suggestions to try and help like:

• asking MIL to watch LO 1 or 2 nights a month for us to go out (he said it was a bad idea to leave LO with MIL as she drinks on a weekend but I feel that's a BS answer).
• switching roles up on weekdays like I walk dog and cook tea (LO will not sleep for anyone other than me so I can't change that).
• Sleep training LO so we get a bit more time to ourselves in the evening.

• Suggesting he talk to more people in work who have children about his problems.

I was quite blunt, and made it clear that LOs sleep will always fluctuate and pointed out he had been ill. I also said that my understanding of parenthood is that while it might get easier it's just ever changing and we have to adapt. I did ask whether it would be best if myself and LO stayed at my mother's for a little while to give him a break but he was adamant that wasn't the answer. He doesn't have an answer and that it will just get better with time.

I can't see that working. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help? What to do? I feel like my marriage is disintegrating and that he probably has depression. I am trying to be empathetic because I have experienced PPD but the things he has said have shocked me.

So many men go along with having children and then can’t actually handle the work of family life and coming second to their own children. And I say that as someone who didn’t always enjoy it and sees some truth in what he’s saying.

Do not do more to lighten the load, if anything he needs to do more so he can bond a little more and see the rewarding side. He’ll either shape up or ship out and you can’t control that. It’s good he is telling you but I can see it is frustrating when you are doing the lions share.

Do not sleep train unless it’s what you feel is best for your child. Even if the baby is sleeping through he’ll be exactly the same.

Sounds like he needs support too. Can understand your frustration also. Sympathise with both of you!

Could be, for what it's worth I hope you're right. However, I'd be erring on the side of caution.

I think you need to separate out what he is saying as some of it is quite normal and some isn't.

The not enjoying Christmas or days out is fair enough in the sense that your son is too young to take anything from it so really what you are doing is for you. But it comes with all of the added stress of a baby but little of the joy yet as at that age they have no understanding of where they are.

I think that because it comes from a more worrying general sentiment (i.e wishing he wasn't here) you are blowing it up to a bigger issue.

Is he enjoying any of fatherhood? Your baby is now a great size for smiles and cuddles but it's easy not to move on a stage when you are in a sleep deprived rut.

It's also easy for men to feel a bit of a spare part in the early months, especially if you are breast feeding and the only one to settle baby.

Rather than trying to shelter him from parenting, try chucking him in the deep end. Just pick up the dog lead and say 'I'll walk the dog, you two play". This is the age for rolling round the floor blowing raspberries, chucking them about in the air, pushing them in a baby swing. Maybe show him more of that side if it doesn't come naturally and then if he's the type to step back and let you, deliberately remove yourself for a bit.

If none of that brings him joy then maybe he does need to see a doctor.

I would also look at sleep training regardless. It doesn't need to be cry it out. I always did patting and moving away slowly with mine. Get him more involved. Improving this will help you both regardless of what else is going on.

People expect to get to put their feet up? I bet OP would love to do that... So would I, actually!

Hang out with other parents with babies. Don’t people do that any more? Then you can share your war stories and work through shit at the same stage

He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling is what the OP said. So if you're right @Americano75, what is she supposed to do with that information? She's already doing everything and letting him mope about in bed all day. She's offering suggestions and ideas.

You cannot fix someone's MH for them.

Males aren’t ever “post natal”. He may have depression but it isn’t pnd.

just keep conversation open and honest that you both can say how you feel and acknowledge it will get better in the future. Both of you should sign up to some positive actions to make things better e.g. date nights, both getting a free evening to yourselves, doing something more interesting every other weekend etc

good luck to you both

But he's sleeping all night, has two lie ins a week, has just had four days on his own!!!

Men do have hormonal changes during the post and pre natal period and this can affect their emotional health, at times leading to PND, theres a lot of research about it.

There are several groups for new dads set up by male mental health charities , post natal male mental health is historically largely ignored but the tide is turning.

Op, look after yourself, don't take his comments to heart, his feelings are valid as are yours.

Good that you can have these conversations openly together.

Dads Matter is a good kicking off point.

(Ignore the this-ers 👆on this thread, they sound bitter and unpleasant)

He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.
Maybe he's right.
What positives does he bring to your life? Does he spend any time with his own child or leave it all to you?
Point out to him that he is NOW A PARENT and can't sulk and spend all day in bed.

Well if he’s in the army or similar ‘wtf did he expect’ ?
Jesus Christ have a heart. If you were saying your DH was struggling with his Christmas I’d have been all ears and sympathy. Same with OPs DH. That weird realisation that every part of your life is affected by children can be really challenging. Christmas pre kids is all about indulgence and having a few drinks and some nice gifts! After it’s quite a different story and it can be hard.
OP I don’t know what to say. You can see he needs help but he won’t accept it. Could you speak to his parents or best friend- coming from someone external he might listen more?

Oh, and if he does have post-natal depression, send him to the docs.

He seems very lacking in empathy for you - and frankly quite useless at the mo. 😒

He doesn't like the fact that your child your joint child is inconveniencing HIM
he expected to carry on as normal whilst you took all of the hit for him

Like pp, I read “better off without him” as a hint he’s going to leave, coming as it did at the end of a list of grumbles about how having a baby is a bit too much like hard work. It doesn’t sound like a threat of suicide at all, more that he’d like his old pre-baby life back and might be taking steps to get it.

Men do not get PND OP, I don’t give a shit how much research says they do ( probably male researchers )

Your husband has a life of fucking riley compared to mine, when our dc was little he did his stressful day job, came home and got stuck in. He also did the nightfeeds on the weekends so I got a break.

Babies are boring and life changes after you have babies, but he needs to suck it up or fuck off.

Ha!!! Yes because there are so many women with PND who get to lie in every weekend, do zero night wakings, minimal parenting and don’t have to concern themselves with cooking Christmas dinner, aren’t there? Health visitors insist on it.

dadmatters.org.uk/

Op I agree with a pp that your dh may be struggling with male PND, or just a struggle with the life style change. I didn't have PND but the life change hit me like a freight train. I found it much easier going from 1 dc to than none to 1. Despite loving dc1 beyond words i used to think what on earth have i done. I am enjoying everything alot better now they're at the age they're excited for Santa Claus, can hold little conversations and are kit amazing to be arouns. It is really so much fun and so much better than Christmases pre dc. Your dh has to know things will get so much better, he won't look back when they're alittle older, the baby and toddler stages are tough!

He needs to go to the doctors because he’s miserable about all the above things??

Sorry should say 1 to 2*

She can keep encouraging him?

He might not go to the drs, OP, but he'll probably look at a website.

Good luck x