Husband said that this Christmas has been the worst

[Shkbop]

Warning; very long post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Last night husband said that this Christmas has been the worst. He said it so casually but the comment really hurt me.

I have found parenthood very rough. I ended up with PPD, a rough c-section recovery, colic baby with reflux and feeding problems who struggles with sleep.

However, I quickly recognised that I wasn't OK and I sought help and have been on anti-depressants for the last 4 months. LO is now 7 months and I feel like I'm starting to enjoy.

My husband clearly doesn't feel the same way and he said the following:

• Christmas has been really un-enjoyable (we have all 3 been quite ill but apparently this wasn't the only negative....)
• LO is hard work.
• LO doesn't sleep and the evenings are crap as I am constantly up and down trying to get him off.
• We don't do anything fun together anymore.
• We aren't intimate anymore.
• He hasn't enjoyed any outings with LO (with particular reference to when we took him to meet Santa, which I really enjoyed)
• He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.
• We don't do anything with our weekends.
• He thought things would get better by 6 months but they haven't.
• He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

He then goes on to say that it isn't a criticism of me and that he is glad that I am here and that LO is also here.

I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered.

I dont know how to help him. He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling. He has spoken to someone at work who told him that it gets better over time (the person giving advice has two teenage children). I made a few suggestions to try and help like:

• asking MIL to watch LO 1 or 2 nights a month for us to go out (he said it was a bad idea to leave LO with MIL as she drinks on a weekend but I feel that's a BS answer).
• switching roles up on weekdays like I walk dog and cook tea (LO will not sleep for anyone other than me so I can't change that).
• Sleep training LO so we get a bit more time to ourselves in the evening.

• Suggesting he talk to more people in work who have children about his problems.

I was quite blunt, and made it clear that LOs sleep will always fluctuate and pointed out he had been ill. I also said that my understanding of parenthood is that while it might get easier it's just ever changing and we have to adapt. I did ask whether it would be best if myself and LO stayed at my mother's for a little while to give him a break but he was adamant that wasn't the answer. He doesn't have an answer and that it will just get better with time.

I can't see that working. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help? What to do? I feel like my marriage is disintegrating and that he probably has depression. I am trying to be empathetic because I have experienced PPD but the things he has said have shocked me.

Imo there are two things going on:

1. objectively life is hard with a LO, and I, too, remember breaking down after our first Christmas (actually I think we both did, separately) because felt nothing like it had in the past, or we imagined it would.

2. the most useful lesson you can ever learn is that you get back a bit of what you put in. Happy Christmases are what you make them as an adult - put the effort in for others and you’ll feel a bit better yourself. In an imperfect situation you can choose the glass half full or half empty.

You’ve obviously figured that part out - he still needs to.

So he's upset that, after deciding to have a baby, he now has the life of someone with a baby? He sounds pathetic tbh. Yes, many aspects of parenting are repetitive and a slog, but that's life. Things get easier as the baby gets older. I'm not sure this is something you can or should fix for him.

This. Jesus, what did he expect??? You're doing 95% of the work! What happens if you need a lie-in or a break? What a selfish prick.

No he doesn't, as that's not a thing that exists.

I would also say he sounds depressed as he obviously cares about the baby ( not wanting to leave it with his mum when she drinks etc) . When you say you are up and down all evening would it be better to just try keeping the baby downstairs with you until you all go up to bed .

That's not depression, that's parenthood, ffs!

News flash, OP's bloke - babies don't sleep, cry, won't settle, disrupt weekends just as much as weekdays, and most importantly don't go into standby mode when you want a break.

The first year of parenting is basically living through a state of emergency because becoming a parent is a bomb going off in your lives. Nobody has enough sleep or down time or recreation, and you learn weekends aren't for fun anymore, they are for childcare and the like. It's physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

It is also wonderful, funny, heart-warming, full of loveand can be amazing. But only once your expectations have adjusted and you've waved goodbye to the preconceptions of your child-free lives.

** Saying that, I'm taking "better off without me" is "better off as a single parent and I live elsewhere" and not "better off if I killed myself". If the latter, that's a different matter. Dads Matter is a charity that might be of help.

So which part of that was him not being able to put his feet up while she was sick? Did you just not comprehend the part where she basically did it all while he stayed in bed?
I read they were all sick?!

This is a typical pathologisation of normal human experiences. He might be clinically depressed or he might not (doesnt sound it to me), but responding to normal human emotions at times of stress doesnt necessarily require medication

Its helpful to have a supportive partner who doesnt throw their toys out the pram the minute difficult emotions and feelings are voiced and then resort to saying that they just need to shut up and go down the doctors.

Im shocked at some of these responses, no one would dream of saying these things about a new mum who was similarly struggling and overwhelmed, sleep deprived etc etc

I have 2 kids and their first Christmases were both shit. We were tired and had no down time. Now they are wonderful. I completely understand why you feel resentful, but try to pull together and ride it out. It DOES get easier and it's OK to find it hard. You don't need to try to make it easier for him, just ride it through together.

He's not used to live with a young baby. It is different and difficult and shite.

It does get better and easier when they are older but do you really want to put up with him being a miserable arsehole for the next five years? Because that's how long it will probably be.

Give him a sympathetic ear. Then a day or so later give him a stern yet kind talking to. This is life, deal with it or fuck off.

This is so hard and I think you’re very empathetic trying so hard to think of ways to help and people he could talk to.

I’ve been there and found it so sad my partner didn’t seem to share any of the joys I felt. I felt it stopped me from fully enjoying parenthood as I was constantly trying to alleviate his feelings and then resenting that. It’s really affected my feelings towards him too.

Is there a trusted friend, family member or even HV you could talk to, who he might be able to talk to as well? Or maybe try that charity Dads matter a pp suggested. There is also the Fatherhood Institute who might have some resources?

What did he think parenthood was going to be like/

Wow. He's a lazy arsehole and it's all your fault. Tell him to get help or you leave.

And the OP had PND. What did she do? Lie around and feel sorry for herself while he ran around? No. She got help and is getting better.

I hate these sort of replies.

Before you become a parent you have no idea what it'll be like unless you've spent time around babies and kids.

Neither I nor DH had so we had a massive shock about the reality of having a baby. I didn't think it would be how it is.

So not everyone is going to know. Not everyone is going to be prepared or ready. Not everyone can adapt quickly and easily. Some struggle. Some even regret having their kids and end up leaving.

I agree . The first thing is at least he is talking about it , which is a good thing . You should also discuss things with him . It’s not about making things easier it’s about you both coping with things together . Have you thought by you doing everything that in fact you are making him feel useless ? Sleep training , perhaps you should consider , but make sure you do it together and are on the same page .

@bellac11

'Im shocked at some of these responses, no one would dream of saying these things about a new mum who was similarly struggling and overwhelmed, sleep deprived etc etc'

Find me one post in all of Mumsnet by a new mum who is complaining despite her DP doing all the night wakes, all the baby settling, letting her sleep in every weekend, offering to set up babysitting so they can go out, cooking Christmas dinner for her parents while ill and on no sleep.

My god, give me the life of a man any day.

This DH may be overwhelmed but he isn't sleep deprived. Hes annoyed that she is getting up and down to his baby in the evenings.

Depression is a real thing but it's not fair to refuse treatment while dragging your family down with your disease. I have a lot of sympathy for people with MH problems but it fades pretty quickly when they refuse help while stomping around making everyone else feel miserable, guilty and like they have to treat them with kid gloves.

Well there are a plethora of dick husbands being described on Mumsnet at the moment and I really do wonder why their wives put up with such shit.
News flash for your DH: having kids is tough. It changes your life; it can feel relentless in the early days. But the good really does outweigh the bad.
He sounds like a selfish prick. You are letting him off parenting (allowing the sleep ins and doing the night waking etc etc) and he is a resentful whiny manchild.
Tell him for pull himself together or you and your LO will be better off on your own. After all sounds like you do all the work anyway.

This.

The only thing riuning my Xmas is reading all the sad tales of woe from women who are putting up with wankers this Crimbo..

Pull up your big girl pants and tell me to get help/ get out.

It wont get any better on its own. My exh went completely in the wrong direction after our babies, now we live without him and its a fucking million times easier. Good luck,

My husband was the same after our first - I was busy adjusting to a baby and didn’t notice he was finding it hard too. We had a lot of fights about it before I realised he just didn’t know how to communicate it was a difficult adjustment for him - a wanted adjustment but he just had no idea life was going to be different.

I would take it as a positive that he is telling you how he feels. Some men never communicate or are passive aggressive about it. However, he needs to take more action over how he feels it's not all on you to make him happy

It's actually a good thing in your relationship that you can talk about the bad as well as the good.... but I do think your responses are a bit invalidating tbh. Your DH doesn't want to leave LO with someone who will drink alcohol while babysitting... this seems reasonable? Or do you not think they will drink? Also if someone is going through a difficult time, it's not really great to say "parenting is ever-changing and you need to adapt", no one really wants to hear that. Parenting does get easier - particularly when you can sleep!

You want to hear everything is great and happy (and that is understandable) but it clearly isn't - and denying that isn't going to help either of you.

This year was difficult for both of you, give yourself and him a break, lower your expectations and just focus on getting sleep back - don't expect it will always be the way it is, because it really isn't. I didn't go back to work until my eldest was a year old but I always remember my DH having to adapt to everything while maintaining a job - I had time that he didn't.

You aren't really allowed to actually think about the DH when a child is born (on MN anyway)- but the real life is somewhat different - thank goodness!

I hope you get some sleep back and 2023 is easier!

Life with a young baby is mostly pretty awful. Add tiredness and the expectation of a perfect Christmas to the mix, and you can end up feeling sorry for yourself.

Lots of posters cite depression, but maybe he’s just still in the realisation stage.

This is parenthood. It's shit sometimes. Often you really need to search for the small moments/silver linings which make it worthwhile.

One thing is for sure - it's not going to get better if you continue letting him opt out. He'll just get more and more uninvested. And you'll get more and more resentful.

Presumably he wanted a child as well as you? He needs to start taking some ownership of the situation.

In what way does he mean your life would be better without him? Does he really think you’d cope better on your own? If so how does he imagine life would be for you on your own, doing all of the childcare without respite while he does whatever he likes.
Or does he really mean life would be better for HIM without you and your child to consider. While he does whatever he likes.
Life changes when children come along, they are totally dependent on their parents, for food, warmth, shelter and protection, he doesn’t get to absolve this responsibilities. His carefree child free life is over and it’s time he accepted that.

It does sound like he is struggling , but so are you.

i had twins and found the first year so very tough - sleep training really was a game changer for us and mental health. It can work well, doesn’t have to be lots of crying either, and the evening routine and more sleep , freer evenings really changed things. It’s not just sleep, a good consultant can help with a pre bed routine too which you can take turns or do together .. bath, book, bed etc .. good luck x