Husband said that this Christmas has been the worst

[Shkbop]

Warning; very long post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Last night husband said that this Christmas has been the worst. He said it so casually but the comment really hurt me.

I have found parenthood very rough. I ended up with PPD, a rough c-section recovery, colic baby with reflux and feeding problems who struggles with sleep.

However, I quickly recognised that I wasn't OK and I sought help and have been on anti-depressants for the last 4 months. LO is now 7 months and I feel like I'm starting to enjoy.

My husband clearly doesn't feel the same way and he said the following:

• Christmas has been really un-enjoyable (we have all 3 been quite ill but apparently this wasn't the only negative....)
• LO is hard work.
• LO doesn't sleep and the evenings are crap as I am constantly up and down trying to get him off.
• We don't do anything fun together anymore.
• We aren't intimate anymore.
• He hasn't enjoyed any outings with LO (with particular reference to when we took him to meet Santa, which I really enjoyed)
• He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.
• We don't do anything with our weekends.
• He thought things would get better by 6 months but they haven't.
• He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

He then goes on to say that it isn't a criticism of me and that he is glad that I am here and that LO is also here.

I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered.

I dont know how to help him. He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling. He has spoken to someone at work who told him that it gets better over time (the person giving advice has two teenage children). I made a few suggestions to try and help like:

• asking MIL to watch LO 1 or 2 nights a month for us to go out (he said it was a bad idea to leave LO with MIL as she drinks on a weekend but I feel that's a BS answer).
• switching roles up on weekdays like I walk dog and cook tea (LO will not sleep for anyone other than me so I can't change that).
• Sleep training LO so we get a bit more time to ourselves in the evening.

• Suggesting he talk to more people in work who have children about his problems.

I was quite blunt, and made it clear that LOs sleep will always fluctuate and pointed out he had been ill. I also said that my understanding of parenthood is that while it might get easier it's just ever changing and we have to adapt. I did ask whether it would be best if myself and LO stayed at my mother's for a little while to give him a break but he was adamant that wasn't the answer. He doesn't have an answer and that it will just get better with time.

I can't see that working. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help? What to do? I feel like my marriage is disintegrating and that he probably has depression. I am trying to be empathetic because I have experienced PPD but the things he has said have shocked me.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be letting him off the hook with his “depression”. Welcome to parenthood! Everyone feels like that when surviving on very little sleep and navigating a baby for the first time and there are times where it is more shit than others but the issue here is that instead of pulling together as a team he is allowing you to literally do everything (to where you run the risk of burning out) and is lying in bed whinging about how extremely tired he is. He’s taking the piss massively and actually making you feel guilty enough that you are trying to fix it for him! Tell him to FUCK OFF with his exhaustion and frankly I’d be saying he either shapes up or ships out.

How is that going to help him? He does fuck all. Doesn't get up in the night and the OP lets him lie in on both days of the weekend.

Frankly he's a waste of space.

He's not wrong though is he? Baby's are crap and all you can do is wait for them to get to an age where they sleep and can tell you what's wrong. I found the terrible 2's, teens and everything in between a dream compared to having a baby. Worst year of my life by a mile.

I'd just agree with him that things are tricky for both of you at the moment and that you need to help each other out as much as you can and wait for time to pass. When you have a really difficult baby every other life stage is a piece of cake........well except maybe weaning and potty training......

If your c section was rough, was it traumatic for him to witness? PTSD is common with men following watching their partner go through a rough birth.
They try to be strong for us, but when we seem a bit better that's when it comes out and they show it more. Perhaps therapy separately and together might help?
Having a baby is such a massive life adjustment for both parents, but I dont think that side of it is really spoken about. A little one who doesn't sleep makes it even harder, I've been there. It can really affect your relationship. So try to talk to each other and see how you can make more time for each other.

He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

Can you clarify if he means better of without him or better off without the baby?

At any rate, quit 'asking' him, start telling him or at least start taking the actions you can take then leave him to himself. You need care and consideration too, don't waste your emotional energy trying to placate him when he will not be placated.

I know you can't force him to seek MH help, but you can tell him that if he won't, you and LO will be going to your mum's as it's obvious that he needs help that you can't give him. Then go.

As far as LO 'not settling' for anyone but you, that can be changed, it just takes time and patience. And a willingness to work together. Start by sitting on the sofa with LO in your arms and DH snuggled close with his arms around both of you. Gradually change this to the other way round, DH holding and you cuddling them. It works, but it does take time and patience. It can also work to end BFing to settle as you gradually stop BF as you begin to transfer baby to DH.

Yes, sleep training works. I'm an 'old mum' (my DC are in their 30s!) so this method may be 'out of favour', but we used the Brazelton Method. I can testify that it worked for both of ours (and our friends, it was the preferred method back then) and they've grown up just fine, no 'trauma'.

This is a rough time, I admit it. But that doesn't mean it can't be got through if you both want to get through it.

Is it any wonder male suicide is so high with such a common place attitude?

OP, when he says that you'd be better off without him, how often has he thought that in recent weeks?

I've only read your initial post but I would be very worried about his mental health. He sounds really depressed and for all your sakes I would march him into the GPS office and not leave until you get the help you need.

It doesn't sound like he's masking his feelings and that is a good starting point to get him the help he needs

Totally understand how frustrating this is for you but you need to be strong for him now as the alternative isn't worth considering and make sure you get some RL support to help you both get through this difficult phase

@Tubs11

Exactly what you just said. Men don't seem to be allowed to get depressed, or if they do they can't show it!!!

If he has said he thinks your better off without him OP, he really does need immediate support.

I understand that men get PND - who wouldn't , after all their lives change and often not fo rthe better. Suddenly no more freedom to do what you want when you want, the activities they enjoy are generally not the sort you do with a baby , your partner/gf/wife is no longer the spontaneous , fun, loving person you married...it is all very boring and frankly depressing BUT that is what life is like if you choose to have a child .
as someone said up thread..you get what you put in....and yes, i think we would all agree that takinga 7 month old to see santa is not as much fun as a raucous christmas party that ends with a conga line and shots, and getting up and having to have your inlaws or parents round to your house for full christmas dinner when you are used to going down the pub on christmas eve and then rolling out of bed on christmas morning to go to your mums where you are waited on hand and foot , is not as easy or nice for you ...
BUT honestly he sounds as if it has dawned him that being a parent and a family is dull and boring and tiring and not like his old life....welcome to the club would be my response.
Now if you are nice you say , you understand its hard not to be able to do the things you used to etc etc and together you find a way, split weekends so you both have some down time and he has to do more with DS so he bonds better with him and gets some of the positive interaction going that will reinforce that.
you get some time for you too OP
you challenge him to find a solution if he wont let his mum look after the baby - he can pay a babysitter or find someone else he does trust
you talk about how yes you miss child free life but this is the new life you have and how do you make it better/fun etc for both of you. Now that might be more free time for both, some people only survive the early yrs by hanging on to child free time , others find making more time about the 3 of you adapting to the new life you have..he says you do nothing at weekends..well what does he want to do ? you have a dog that needs walking so start a new tradition of walk dog/baby in pram to local park and breakfast or coffee every saturday morning for example ?

BUT OP IT IS NOT SOLELY ON YOU TO FIX THIS OR HIM....he comes to the party and talks about solutions or i would be cracking on making a nice life for you and DS and leave him to wallow in his self pity

@Clymene, you may be right but sleep training will help them all, mom, dad, child. I personally would begin with that and see if dh’s behavior improves. As in, train baby and husband 🧐😉 Having a sleep schedule where everyone knows they will get such and such hours “off” will help. The truth is, many parents feel the way he does to a degree.

I do think him saying they’d be better off without him is concerning, whether it’s his mental health, normal frustration, or just him being an ass like you’re thinking he is. Sleep training is good to do no matter what, was my point.

Nevermind his list of all that's wrong in his life - it'll be the lack of sex. Little bore. Agreed with everyone else- tell him chin up and get yourself a nice hobby that gets you out of the house.

Because he couldn't possibly be depressed and genuinely sad about it? Men can have mental health issues too.

I've never seen such absurd man hating. Thanks to this thread, I've discovered it is a thing.

The thing is... there aren't all that many women who can claim to be depressed and then use that as an excuse to get out of doing absolutely anything (while completely refusing to seek help). Most get on with it because they have to. There isn't the option to unload it all onto a convenient partner and then refuse to engage. The OP sought help for her mental health issues and then got on with doing everything while carrying her useless partner...because that's generally what women are expected to do.

What an absolutely vile comment
Hopefully you aren't one of those rubberneckers commenting how awful it is when a local male takes his life and how they should have talked to someone

This.

In one hand I agree that it isn’t your job to make his life easier. But he’s also entitled to feel down when things are tough and have the right to moan. If you don’t Want to hear it then tell him so to talk to someone else.
I moan a fair bit about Christmas isn’t all fun and relax as it’s used to without DS- financially too and he’s over 2. The first Christmas was hard work mostly. and I don’t have any depression btw.

He does sound depressed but I've no sympathy for people who are presented solutions and refuse to take them over and over again.

His lack of desire to rectify a problem that isn't just affecting him, but those he lives with would be a deal breaker for me.

It's not fair that he hasn't developed a bond with your child so only you can get them to sleep. It's not fair that you do all the nights. It's not fair that he gets to sleep in.

I know male PND has been proven to be real but I honestly think it's a load of bollocks compared to real PND, when you're often recovering from surgery and can't create healthy neurotransmitters from a lack of quality sleep.

It feels like medically justified male entitlement to me.

Except if he feels depressed, he should pull his big boy pants up and go and do something about it.

Honestly this would leave me reeling OP, and I would leave if he refused to get better.

My experience aligns with the pp's who suggest your DH needs to increase his involvement with the LO not be given increasing green tickets off duty. He needs to bond with the LO so he can start seeing the small changes, developments etc and get some joy from what is otherwise just a storm of crying, sleep deprivation and dirty nappies. I used to be the one doing everything with our LO and would tell DH all the quirky little things the baby had done during the day but could tell he was not engaged in it. When I was pregnant with DS2 and I was very poorly with it, DH had to step up a notch with the baby and their relationship developed so much and now it's him telling me the little changes he has seen, and thinking of places that he wants to take LO and toys he thinks he would enjoy etc. The dynamic completely changed but it was only because our circumstances forced him to become more actively involved.
Good luck OP.

Another strong vote for sleep training! Our first Christmas with our son was a blur of exhaustion.

You husband may also have post natal depression (this is actually an issue for men, not sure why pp said it isn’t) however first I’d rule out tiredness! Enjoying life is so difficult when you are tired.

We sleep trained at 6 months using an app called “little ones” and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Lots of support from sleep experts. Very little crying involved (if there had been we would have stopped)- I would definitely call this gentle sleep training and not “cry it out” - more just a schedule of sleeps, naps, meals and snack. The theory being that once the naps are in place the nights take care of themselves. Within a few days our son was sleeping through for 12 hours and napping well. It did give us less flexibility to be our and about during the day - not everyone’s cup of tea- but totally worth it for us. Our son is now 4 years and still sleeps 7-7 ish. Always sleeps well unless he is unwell.

Agree with this. I want to clarify that when I said cry it out in my previous post, I meant that the phrase itself had me so against sleep training that I had the wrong idea about it and it is the gentle, very little crying sleep training which is the sleep training I was recommending.

Not sure if I said sleep training enough times 😂

He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.

Um... which bit of being a parent did he misunderstand? That's what you do.

If he doesn't like it, sounds like you'd be better off without him showing his misery on you as well as everything else.

Give him a NY present... divorce papers. Seriously. He will just drag you down.

You've taken responsibility for yourself and your feelings and sorted yourself out. He doesn't want to, because he doesn't want the responsibility of being a Dad. He just thought you'd do it all.

There are a lot of possibilities here to explain what he's said to you. They run from A) he's clinically depressed and needs mental health support to Z) he's an entitled lazy twat who has decided family life isn't for him.

None of us on here can tell you where he falls on this spectrum. You probably have a pretty good idea, though.

You need to start with the only person whose behaviour you can change: yours. You are exhausted. You are cooking from scratch, giving him time off, doing the night wakings, walking on water. You are shattered.

So what would make YOUR life better? Help, surely. Especially with the sleeping. What sort of help, and when? Who can provide it? Start planning. Ask for help, for you. Ask the health visitor. Ask friends. Ask your parents. Ask MIL. Anyone who can either offer practical assistance or advice you trust.

Are you working? Would you be better off with childcare and being in work?

He asks if you and dc would be better off without him. Well, would you? Would single parenthood be better than trying to keep him onside while also doing all the shattering bits of parenthood?

He said some pretty fundamental stuff. I can see why you are shocked and upset. The way forward with him really depends where he lands on that spectrum I mentioned. The way forward for you is more obvious: get help, OP. You need it and deserve it. Get some sleep. Some confidence. Some joy.

Some partners seem to be able to check out and walk away. It's all about them. No matter that you're a person with the same struggles. Cocks all of them.

Yes men can and do suffer from depression and other mental health issues but for every one that does there are probably a hundred lazy entitled aresholes who want to shift their responsibilities on to their dps. The op, despite her own difficulties seems to be doing everything in her power to make things easier for her dh, including lie ins and child free nights on his own, and what advice is she given by many? Do more and expect nothing in return. Ffs

"I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered."

Right, this needs to stop. For as long as you dance attendance on him, he will feel entitled to all this special treatment, and he frankly doesn't deserve it. I also don't believe it's in his best long-term interests, just detaches him from reality. He needs to be shocked back to the real world - the one where he's an adult who shares the burden of parenting with his partner.

From now on :

• Weekend lie-ins are shared, one each. I suggest you take the Saturday, to ensure he doesn't decide come Sunday that he's having that too.
• He shares the night waking. I'm sure he'll wail at that one, and the both of you may well be up for the first week or two, but you need to persist. He's a father. It's high time he accepted that and stepped up.
• When he says he's tired, 'me too, I'm fucking exhausted' is the single response you give. Because you are at least as tired as him and he needs to be reminded of that, apparently.

He may well be depressed, but he's still behaving like a prick. If he won't seek help for depression, you should at least treat him for being a prick. Dancing attendance on him is just training him to be an even bigger prick.