Husband said that this Christmas has been the worst

[Shkbop]

Warning; very long post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Last night husband said that this Christmas has been the worst. He said it so casually but the comment really hurt me.

I have found parenthood very rough. I ended up with PPD, a rough c-section recovery, colic baby with reflux and feeding problems who struggles with sleep.

However, I quickly recognised that I wasn't OK and I sought help and have been on anti-depressants for the last 4 months. LO is now 7 months and I feel like I'm starting to enjoy.

My husband clearly doesn't feel the same way and he said the following:

• Christmas has been really un-enjoyable (we have all 3 been quite ill but apparently this wasn't the only negative....)
• LO is hard work.
• LO doesn't sleep and the evenings are crap as I am constantly up and down trying to get him off.
• We don't do anything fun together anymore.
• We aren't intimate anymore.
• He hasn't enjoyed any outings with LO (with particular reference to when we took him to meet Santa, which I really enjoyed)
• He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.
• We don't do anything with our weekends.
• He thought things would get better by 6 months but they haven't.
• He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

He then goes on to say that it isn't a criticism of me and that he is glad that I am here and that LO is also here.

I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered.

I dont know how to help him. He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling. He has spoken to someone at work who told him that it gets better over time (the person giving advice has two teenage children). I made a few suggestions to try and help like:

• asking MIL to watch LO 1 or 2 nights a month for us to go out (he said it was a bad idea to leave LO with MIL as she drinks on a weekend but I feel that's a BS answer).
• switching roles up on weekdays like I walk dog and cook tea (LO will not sleep for anyone other than me so I can't change that).
• Sleep training LO so we get a bit more time to ourselves in the evening.

• Suggesting he talk to more people in work who have children about his problems.

I was quite blunt, and made it clear that LOs sleep will always fluctuate and pointed out he had been ill. I also said that my understanding of parenthood is that while it might get easier it's just ever changing and we have to adapt. I did ask whether it would be best if myself and LO stayed at my mother's for a little while to give him a break but he was adamant that wasn't the answer. He doesn't have an answer and that it will just get better with time.

I can't see that working. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help? What to do? I feel like my marriage is disintegrating and that he probably has depression. I am trying to be empathetic because I have experienced PPD but the things he has said have shocked me.

I don’t think Mumsnet is the best place to post if you’re asking for advice about men who are struggling. There’s loads of man haters who can’t see past their own skewed outlook. At least he’s talking about how he feels, he does need to see someone though, you can’t go on like this, it’s not fair on you and you clearly think there’s more to it than being selfish and lazy.

And yes, men do get what’s called male PND, some people are very out of date.

He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.

Welcome to being a parent, this is what it’s like. We were lucky our dd was an excellent sleeper and my DH still found it all very hard. As certain aspects get easier others get harder so if he thinks suddenly one day life will be back to ‘normal’ he’s only going to feel even worse at a later date.

If he doesn’t accept that he may need help there is nothing else you can do. You need to look after you and your dc. Unfortunately you don’t have time to pander to his needs now as you are busy being the one holding it all together.
Perhaps confiding in his mum or does he have a sibling you could maybe get to chat with him? They may help him see he needs some help. He either needs to seek out help or do something different to try and change things. He needs to actively try to change it, like your suggestions or he has to suck it up. I assume you both wanted a child and this is it, it’s the hardest but most rewarding job you can do. It can’t be all left to you so that you give him time, space etc.

This all kicked in for my DH later on that yours, I think our dd was about 14months old and it was a very hard phase. It did turn out he had depression and with some counselling sessions it really turned it round for him. I have myself taken meds and know how horrified I was at the thought when the Dr suggested them. Took me a good while to agree because I felt like a total failure. Now I know how much they changed things for me if I could go back I’d have listened the first time. I wonder if like me, he doesn’t want to accept there is something not right for him.

With babies you get out what you put in and he's putting nothing in. I think giving him more time to himself and pandering to him is the wrong approach.

If he had a bond with DC then he'd enjoy doing things with him. If he had the odd bad night, he'd perhaps celebrate the better ones. His whole perspective is skewed, with just his old life to compare things to, he needs to find the joy in his new life too - which comes from connecting to his baby.

Yes men can suffer from depression after the birth of their child but it's a different thing from the postnatal depression that women suffer from which is driven by the hormonal changes experienced by the woman.
Pregnancy childbirth and breastfeeding are extremely demanding all consuming huge physiological changes for a woman to go through.
None of that happens to the man, none of it, women are the ones that do the real important work here.

He sounds like he's preparing to leave, sorry but he is showing all the signs of someone who realises this isn't what he wants any more.

Could you have counselling together? Just a thought, this might be a way to work through the problems.

Why? She's already doing everyfuckingthing else?

Why does she have to cheerlead him too? Another chore to add to her list 😡.

The OP is bending over backwards to accommodate him, which personally I think is probably part of the problem. She should 'encourage' him by dumping the baby on him and taking the day off herself.

I took the 'without him' to mean without the baby ie wistfully remembering back to pre-parent days, no?

We've all been there, I know I definitely have.

He thought his life would carry on his normal and he could still be the centre of attention
he is sulking because it didn't and he isn't

What a man baby

Also, you were ill and sleep deprived? Why the FUCK did he not cook Christmas dinner? Coz of his PND, was it? Poor diddums.

@Hearmeout I think 'without him' means without the dh. Sounding a bit sorry for himself but also pacifying his conscience if he jumps ship down the line.

It sounds as if he is depressed, but if he won't seek help in any way - talk to GP, get counselling, consider whether medication would help - then I have little sympathy I'm afraid. I've had depression more than once and each time I acknowledged that I owe it to myself, my husband and children to seek treatment. It's horrible for everyone.

Also, you are enabling him. You need to stop doing all this:

"I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered."

This way resentment lies. Stop prioritising him over yourself. Stop martyring yourself. You matter too, your sleep, your rest, and your mental health.

Sleep train. That is hands down the best thing you can do.

The way he, and you, are feeling is very very normal. Your lives suddenly changed a lot. It is understandably hard to adapt. We all go through it to an extent, some more than others, when we have children. My dh felt same as yours while I was the happiest I’d ever been. And he was basically working but that was all. I did everything else. But things were so different he had trouble coping. Our child had major sleeping problems which left me sleep deprived yet I was incredibly euphoric which carried me along. I didn’t understand my dh’s viewpoint and so we just bumbled along for a long time.

I didn’t sleep train and it really caused a lot of problems for us all including the baby, then toddler etc. it seems cruel but truly it is cruel not to. That was the lesson I learned when it was too late. Basically no decent sleep for years. Don’t do what I did 😂

Not specific to the OP, but the fact so many people are claiming men don’t suffer from PND as an absolute are one of the reasons men don’t talk things like this.

But yes, all the researchers must be male…

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-and-co-parents-10-things-you-should-know

Yes men can suffer from depression post the birth of their child but it's not the same thing as the hormonally driven postnatal depression which women suffer from.

Exactly.

And it's irrelevant in any event as he won't seek help. The OP thinks he's depressed.

What do you suggest?

Some men are jealous of the amount of time their LO takes up when they are born. He needs realistic expectations of life with a young child. I would suggest he has counselling. Do not feel you are at fault. You are not responsible for his happiness.HE IS!

I think all this sounds really normal after having a baby. Life is completely different and you never go back to your old life. I think that applies to both Mums and Dads. Everything you have said my husband would complain of and to be honest I probably did too. It does get better, but then other problems occur as they go from newborns to toddlers. He kind of has to accept that life isn’t the same anymore.

OP, if he won't take his problem seriously, ie seek help for his depression, then why should you?
You have more than enough to cope with, should not be making sacrifices to help him when he is doing nothing to help himself.
If life isn't how he thinks it should be then he should be looking to do something about it rather than treating you as mummy who has to fix everything.

I just wanted to reiterate about the sleep training. You asked what to do. That is what will help. The way it is now, your dh sees a never ending drain on his time and yours. If you sleep train, he, and you, can count on certain hours of freedom and relaxation and “normalcy”. I wish I had done it but I was so sure I was doing right thing by not letting dc “cry it out” I thought the very idea was barbaric and grim and I would never stoop to such cruel and unloving treatment. Well, the joke was on me. It is the single biggest thing I regret looking back. S L E E P T R A I N

Because I've been in a similar situation and the man in question had been brought up to believe that 'real men' just dealt with shit and took a lot of encouragement to get the help he needed, that's why.

Maybe this guy is just a massively selfish arse, I don't know. But I'm just offering a different perspective, based on my own experience.

Oh god, he found out life with a baby is shit and he thinks you would be better without him? What he means is that his life would be better without you and the baby.

He can either pull his weight and make life less shit or... not.

But that's exactly it - many people, especially men, have absolutely no concept of the way in which having a baby is going to turn their lives upside down.

I recall a friend of mine years ago who didn't want kids but her DH did. When she tried to explain that she didn't want the massive change to their lives, responsibility, etc he replied "But we look after the cat OK..."

He's shell-shocked by it all. I think the person who said he needs to talk to other men who've experienced it is right - it might help a great deal.

I'm on the fence with this one.

On the one hand, he seems to be fed up that he's not getting the attention from you, time together as a couple and a lack of intimacy, and all that is making him behave like a bit of an arsehole.

On the other, men have 9 months less to get used to the idea of a baby turning their lives upside down. They know their DP is pregnant, but they aren't living the experience all that time. Reality hits all of a sudden and he is only 7 months in.