Husband said that this Christmas has been the worst

[Shkbop]

Warning; very long post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Last night husband said that this Christmas has been the worst. He said it so casually but the comment really hurt me.

I have found parenthood very rough. I ended up with PPD, a rough c-section recovery, colic baby with reflux and feeding problems who struggles with sleep.

However, I quickly recognised that I wasn't OK and I sought help and have been on anti-depressants for the last 4 months. LO is now 7 months and I feel like I'm starting to enjoy.

My husband clearly doesn't feel the same way and he said the following:

• Christmas has been really un-enjoyable (we have all 3 been quite ill but apparently this wasn't the only negative....)
• LO is hard work.
• LO doesn't sleep and the evenings are crap as I am constantly up and down trying to get him off.
• We don't do anything fun together anymore.
• We aren't intimate anymore.
• He hasn't enjoyed any outings with LO (with particular reference to when we took him to meet Santa, which I really enjoyed)
• He is always repeating the same days over and over again. Wake up, work, home, walk dog, cook food, bath baby, sleep and repeat.
• We don't do anything with our weekends.
• He thought things would get better by 6 months but they haven't.
• He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

He then goes on to say that it isn't a criticism of me and that he is glad that I am here and that LO is also here.

I can't help but get annoyed. I feel as though I make a lot of sacrifices to try and make his life easier. I let him sleep in on all weekends, I do ALL night waking, I even took LO away with me to visit family leaving him child-free for 4 days. I cooked Christmas Dinner for us and inlaws from scratch, while ill and on 3 hours sleep. He spent 2 days in bed with minimal care of LO, only when I needed a shower. He constantly says he is tired which I acknowledge and try my best to accommodate even when I am shattered.

I dont know how to help him. He absolutely refuses anti-depressants and counselling. He has spoken to someone at work who told him that it gets better over time (the person giving advice has two teenage children). I made a few suggestions to try and help like:

• asking MIL to watch LO 1 or 2 nights a month for us to go out (he said it was a bad idea to leave LO with MIL as she drinks on a weekend but I feel that's a BS answer).
• switching roles up on weekdays like I walk dog and cook tea (LO will not sleep for anyone other than me so I can't change that).
• Sleep training LO so we get a bit more time to ourselves in the evening.

• Suggesting he talk to more people in work who have children about his problems.

I was quite blunt, and made it clear that LOs sleep will always fluctuate and pointed out he had been ill. I also said that my understanding of parenthood is that while it might get easier it's just ever changing and we have to adapt. I did ask whether it would be best if myself and LO stayed at my mother's for a little while to give him a break but he was adamant that wasn't the answer. He doesn't have an answer and that it will just get better with time.

I can't see that working. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help? What to do? I feel like my marriage is disintegrating and that he probably has depression. I am trying to be empathetic because I have experienced PPD but the things he has said have shocked me.

Have*

So what does he do to make it better?

i think you'll find this is all about lack of sex and LO taking up too much of your time away from him.

It always is. he needs to grow up.

I don’t think he sounds selfish I think he sounds like I did when I had quite serious pnd. I would be quite clear with him that you are concerned with his recent behaviour (sleeping a lot, not enjoying lovely things like seeing Santa) and that these are signs of depression.

Aren't people allowed to moan to their partner? Have you got to put a false smile and be upbeat all the time? My mum's got dementia and it's hard flaming work and I tell my husband that my life is crap etc. It's no reflection on him. He's great and I appreciate everything he does but I need to offload somewhere.

This ☝️

Spot on.

You can moan but it's a shit move to guilt them into doing all the work including your share. And then moan some more that they don't give you enough attention.

I think this sounds quite worrying.

I would insist he sees the doctor and tells him how he is feeling
This sounds like depression but the comment about being better off without him is a cry for help.

Is there a reason why you think your Dc will never sleep through.

From personal experience I found sleeping through to be easier the longer babies were up.
My 2 “slept through” at 9 weeks because they went to bed when I went to bed. I.e midnight and would get up when I got up 7am. So I had 7 hours undisturbed sleep

Others were putting their baby to bed at 6.30pm/7pm then 7 hours later baby would wake at 2am, 3am and everyone was still getting a broken nights sleep.

Once everyone is getting an unbroken night then you can start putting baby to bed earlier and earlier

You know what I'm fucking fed up of hearing about men whining about shit like this after they have babies. He's even trying to lay the groundwork for leaving by saying you'd be better without him. What so he can impregnate the next one? Just tell him to fuck off.

He sounds as if he’s finding parenthood tough and it is, especially when a baby has a tricky start. Of course you have been through a particularly difficult time too and sound like you have shouldered the lions share of the responsibilities, so I understand your irritation.

I don’t remember feeling it at the time, but looking back I think both DH and I mourned our past lives during the first year. It really felt like having a bomb go off in the middle of everything and not being able to see how it would ever come back together again. In reality it never was the same a that took some time to come to terms with.

I really have sympathy for you both in this situation op.

I blame TV and Hollywood Christmas films. Maybe he imagined a montage of his first Christmas with his new infant as a perfectly groomed mother holding her rosy-cheeked, sweet-smelling baby up to gaze at the majestic Christmas tree lights while he nestled a small whisky in his hand, looking adoringly on at the angelic mother of this cherubic new born.

Hollywood don't tend to show much of a working parent trying to function on almost zero sleep or screaming, red-faced babies with colic or cradle cap. There's no mention of cracked nipples or PND or pissing when you sneeze.

All in all, the realities of your first Christmas with a new born are more likely to be a little bit shit with some memorable moments thrown in to keep you sane.

Well yes, because 'male PND' isn't a thing. What hormonal and physical changes have they had to go through?

He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'.

If it wasn't for this part I'd be rolling my eyes but I think he really should speak to someone.

What does he think should, could be tried?
what ideas does he have to change things to make life more pleasant
how does he see things moving forward?

But when you had PND was someone else setting the baby to sleep every night, doing all the night wakings, letting you sleep in at the weekand, giving you 4 full days to do whatever you want while they take the baby away? I would imagine probably not. He's being incredibly selfish, especially if he won't get help and just expects op to keep doing everything.

This

Life is hard and complicated when DCs come along. Your nice easy pre-DC routine goes out of the window and wifey isn't willing or able to run around after you any more.

We had a very similar issue. DH I'm sure got PPD, I found myself. Also struggling, taking on everything and letting him nap, go out, live a fairly care free life. But every little thing I asked, even in terms of picking up after himself caused a blow up. He refused to talk to anyone including his family or doctor.

In the end he became abusive towards me and I realised I was running myself in the ground trying to save him when he refused to stand on his own two feet. And I left. It's actually been the best thing for him. It was sink or swim and he chose to swim.

If he won't see a doctor then there's really nothing you can do, you're not responsible for him, if he won't save himself you need to save yourself.

It sounds like he needs to lower his expectations of life as a parent. My DD (2) has had a fever since Xmas eve and you could say it's wrecked Xmas, but I'm just grateful to be here to have an Xmas with a toddler and husband. Over time he might reset his expectations a bit, it does get better as they get bigger.

Don't agree with those saying to sleep train. We didn't sleep train albeit we did cosleep. DD went into her own bed in her own room around 18 months. She still doesn't sleep through the night but it's a heck of a lot easier than it used to be. She goes down by 19.30 and doesn't wake up until at least 00.00 so we get a decent evening together every evening which I do think makes a difference.

"He has thought a couple of times that we would be better off 'without him'."

Isn't that man code for "So I'll fuck off and completely absolve myself of all responsibility and if I somehow accidentally sink my dick into a new vagina, then it's not my fault".

Aw OP, I really empathise...my DP is a bit similar and it does get frustrating when they constantly look at negatives when actually you're the one doing all the hard work.

I don't think that's suicide breadcrumbing. I think it's 'going to sod off and leave you to it'breadcrumbing.

What he's doing is being so awful that the OP will kick him out so that he cam be the victim.

Men don't end relationships unless they've got another woman to go to.

I completely understand you taking it to heart but it's better that he says these things if he's feeling them and he has not tried to make you the villain of the piece which is such good news.

That flat feeling of not enjoying anything and feeling it would be better if he wasn't here is simply depression. I agree that you absolutely must have time together without the baby. But given all that you are doing to support him, the responsibility to take medication and go to counseling is on him. If he stays in this state without doing anything to help himself, he will adversely affect your health and compromise the home environment for your baby. That is not acceptable. So you need him to access help. I don't know how that's best achieved in your circumstances - pulling in family members to advocate, speaking to best friends and making them aware, delivering kind but firm ultimatums, getting his GP to call him - I don't know. But you must give it everything you've got.

In an ideal world, you'd get him started on antidepressants, book a couple of weekends away through the winter and an early spring holiday all baby free. But that assumes the funds, childcare and holiday to do it.

He's right about sleep-training the baby.
You'd both feel much better if you slept.

The baby stage is a massive shock - many people (including me) find babies really dull. Toddlers meeting Father Christmas is way more fun than a baby. I think it’s common for men to struggle the first year. Christmas gets better as they get older. My dc are 11 and 14 and I thought our super excited days were behind us but my goodness this Christmas has been fun hanging out together. It’s okay not to enjoy every stage of parenting. Important to keep talking and listening to each other.

What did I read. It's not in the op's best interests to read his comments in the most hateful way possible. He may genuinely mean what it means at face value and no more than that. If you can rein in your bitterness long enough to actually be helpful, that is a worrying indication of clinical depression that can be treated to the op's benefit.