Present for 18 year old who hates me

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 2022-12-05T11:16:02+00:00

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times) The problem is, Christmas I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him. He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends.... So what on earth would you buy?? £200 budget

Sparkletastic · 05/12/2022 11:17

Why is he so unhappy?

AuntieDolly · 05/12/2022 11:18

Can't you just give him the money?

Original poster

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:20

Honestly @Sparkletastic that's a whole other thread in itself
We've had issues with his biological Dad.
He hates my husband.
He hates his sister.
He's angry he didn't get into the RAF on medical reasons.
He's angry we insisted he got a job and wouldn't allow him a year off after college.
He's also a ridiculous people pleaser who won't say no to anyone so gets taken advantage of, then screams and yells to take it all out on us... So erm, lots!

OP posts:

MillyMollyManky · 05/12/2022 11:21

Sounds like a difficult situation. Do you know why he's so unhappy? Do you think he's together enough to live independently (if he wishes) or is he genuinely safer at home? Does he have decent friends/partner?

Present-wise maybe vouchers for the sort of clothes he likes plus a few little bits? Sub to a motorbike magazine?

SurpriseSparDay · 05/12/2022 11:23

The OP could of course give him just money, but I imagine she (also) wants to offer a tangible gift as a way of ‘reaching out’?

Awful, though not unique, situation@WhyCantPeopleBeNice . How long has it been going on and how might things change?

Voucher for his preferred designer / clothes shop?

RandomPerson42 · 05/12/2022 11:25

If he has a driving licence then a trackday would be good.

To be honest, you should do something about his happiness as that is far more important than anything - especially christmas. You should go on holiday with him - just you and him.

Snnowflake · 05/12/2022 11:28

It would be great to get him into the forces - any forces where i doubt huffy tantrums are encouraged!!
Have you checked them all out. I would think RAF sight issues would be the strictest.

Sparkletastic · 05/12/2022 11:29

Goodness lots going on with him. I was asking because maybe a good gift would be an experience that you could take him to and try to have a talk. But maybe that won't work just now. Is he into skincare / nice fragrances? Or something like a mini fridge for his room if he lurks there a lot?

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 05/12/2022 11:30

Money. I can understand that OP might want to give nice present, but the situation is so bad that it might end up in bin, causing more trouble.
He may grow up and change. He is still young. So I think the money is the best bet at the time.

Teadrinkingmumofone · 05/12/2022 11:30

What are experience day/trip? Travel driving, flight lesson?

EIfie · 05/12/2022 11:31

A nice key fob with a personalised message of love on it?

Aftershave

Trudiu8 · 05/12/2022 11:31

Well... on the present front I wouldn't spend a lot of money on individual gifts - it sounds like he knows what he likes and it also sounds like he is predisposed to not like what you get him. He sounds like my son at that age (24 now and a lot happier/healthier relationship). I know how stressful everything must feel just now but hopefully it will get better!

I'm assuming he wouldn't join you for any "experiences".

On the present front is there anything he does - my son collects retro watches so that was something we always got him, things like a designer t-shirt but in plain black (or his favourite colour?), aftershave was also something you can't go far wrong with... any interests from when he was younger? People that he is interested in, you could look and buy an autobiography? Or has he ever liked comics? Anything crafty or retro at all - I still buy my son lego! I would give the majority in cash though.

Does he need an electric razor? new trainers? (stick to plain colours in a brand he likes and keep the receipt), socks and pjs as fillers, sweets....

Original poster

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:32

@SurpriseSparDay yes, a gift feels more like I am making an effort, money or vouchers feels impersonal and whilst it's all very strained right now I feel like he needs to see me making an effort, whatever is going on in his head and whatever story he's telling himself I feel I need to keep trying in whatever small ways I can.

We've often been told he takes his anger out in us because he knows we're 'safe' we won't abandon him so we try and set boundaries as we have had some horrific incidents in the past but with a continued olive branch

It's been difficult on and off for I'd say 5 years, but it's ups and downs, he can be great for 6 months then it all changes, so upto his exams in June he was ok, as soon as exams were over and all structure was lost and his Dad got back in contact it all went downhill again

OP posts:

Mince314s · 05/12/2022 11:32

Could you pay for his driving test? I'd not just something he wants, it's a vote of confidence that you think he'll be able to succeed.

GladysPew · 05/12/2022 11:35

Nothing

ittakes2 · 05/12/2022 11:38

Vouchers

MillyMollyManky · 05/12/2022 11:39

PP's mini fridge idea is a good one.

Re the RAF- is the medical issue a permanent one? Would he consider other forces, or perhaps a different RAF role? I can see that must have been a blow if his heart was set on it.

Original poster

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:40

@EIfie I like the idea of a key fob.
For driving...well! His 17th we got him a car, driving lessons and he didn't try, gave up.
So we helped him payed and booked his CBT, bought all the gear, helmets, coat, boots, trousers, he bought the bike. Except now the weather has changed he's realised a car would be better and has started lessons again 2 weeks ago.
Won't tell me who his instructor is, missed his second lesson (over slept) and got grumpy he's having to pay for a lesson and they won't carry the money forward...yelled at me when I explained that was standard. So erm.... Avoiding all things car related

@Trudiu8 trainers need to be yeezys or the like, last 3 pairs i bought he's resold....

Ah crap, the more I'm typing the more I'm thinking vouchers

OP posts:

GreenLunchBox · 05/12/2022 11:42

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:40

@EIfie I like the idea of a key fob.
For driving...well! His 17th we got him a car, driving lessons and he didn't try, gave up.
So we helped him payed and booked his CBT, bought all the gear, helmets, coat, boots, trousers, he bought the bike. Except now the weather has changed he's realised a car would be better and has started lessons again 2 weeks ago.
Won't tell me who his instructor is, missed his second lesson (over slept) and got grumpy he's having to pay for a lesson and they won't carry the money forward...yelled at me when I explained that was standard. So erm.... Avoiding all things car related

@Trudiu8 trainers need to be yeezys or the like, last 3 pairs i bought he's resold....

Ah crap, the more I'm typing the more I'm thinking vouchers

This is all crazy!

Original poster

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:42

@MillyMollyManky he really was gutted.
He's now decided he'll be a policeman and says he's only working his current job until he gets into the police.
The medical he failed as under weight, severe acne, kreatin in his urine (turns out he was taking lots of powers/bulking supliments) og and he failed their eye test

OP posts:

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 05/12/2022 11:45

My family tend to do homewear for kids that age - like a good quality frying pan or something. A nice coffee making thing if he likes coffee. It’s an acknowledgment that he is on the verge of independence and choosing where to live. Might not work if he hates all cooking or feels totally entitled to you doing all house related things for him at the moment.

LeedsMum2022 · 05/12/2022 11:46

I had severe acne when younger. This completely destroyed my confidence can’t explain the mental health issues it caused. Looking back now, it seems I have blocked it all out which shows how traumatic it was. Could this be impacting your son?

MillyMollyManky · 05/12/2022 11:46

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:42

@MillyMollyManky he really was gutted.
He's now decided he'll be a policeman and says he's only working his current job until he gets into the police.
The medical he failed as under weight, severe acne, kreatin in his urine (turns out he was taking lots of powers/bulking supliments) og and he failed their eye test

Sorry to hear this- must have been really hard for him. Sounds as if it's all maybe fixable except the eye test so there may well be other roles he could do. Is he being proactive about his police idea?

You sound like a lovely mum, btw.

Original poster

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:48

@GreenLunchBox it is crazy, but he's my son, and as I said at the start, and to most my friends who ask why I haven't kicked him out...
He is holding down a job. He isn't bringing police/trouble to the door.
He's just so incredibly angry with everyone everything - I 100% blame his biological Dad but that gets us nowhere. I can only deal with my son's behaviour.

I will say though, deep down, he's a good kid.
An example, a couple he dog sits for lost their dog to old age. He bought a card and flowers to give them with no prompting.
When he was younger he'd see me having a bad day, he'd be the first to put the kettle on.
Deep down he's a good kid, i need to give him space whilst keeping him safe

OP posts:

XelaM · 05/12/2022 11:50

EIfie · 05/12/2022 11:31

A nice key fob with a personalised message of love on it?

Aftershave

I like the key fob with love message plus money so he can buy what he really wants