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Original poster

Present for 18 year old who hates me

205 replies

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:16

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

OP posts:
BabyFour2023 · 05/12/2022 16:22

The last things he needs is to be kicked out. I can feel his pain reading your threads.

He needs something that money can’t buy. Spend time with him, just you and him. Not your husband. Not his sister. Just the 2 of you. You say “we” in your posts. That probably doesn’t help if he hates your husband yet feels he is being allowed to make decisions for him; “we think you should get a job” etc is probably hard for him. Why can’t it just be you?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2022 16:25

American Sweets, a voucher for his favorite clothed shop, a book about getting into the Police (show you believe in him) or similar, biography etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2022 16:27

mathanxiety · 05/12/2022 15:41

Vouchers are the way to go.

And a big hint that a grotty bedsit might not be such a bad idea. Buy him £200 worth of cooking utensils, cleaning supplies, and a frying pan.

Because clearly what the kids needs is to know his Mom wants to push him out the best so she can focus on her daughter and husband

oakleaffy · 05/12/2022 16:29

The eye test with RAF is a reason lots fail- seems glasses / lenses aren’t allowed.
18 is a difficult age to be - Especially if he’s not got a good relationship with his Dad.
I doubt very much he hates you.
He’s probably hurting, emotionally at moment.
He will hopefully get into Police.
Acne, can it be treated?
I’d give him the £200.

Hope he feels happier soon.

oakleaffy · 05/12/2022 16:31

“The last things he needs is to be kicked out. I can feel his pain reading your threads.”
I can, too.

He needs love and individual attention.
It’s bloody hard having a stepdad and ( assuming half) sibling.

gogohmm · 05/12/2022 16:37

If he is serious about the forces, the navy have less strict eye sight requirements and the rest of the issues are fixable. Dd loves it. There's an absolute ban on supplements apart from protein shakes with standard vitamins, acne is treatable his gp can help with advice plus it improves from around 18 typically.

2bazookas · 05/12/2022 16:37

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:42

@MillyMollyManky he really was gutted.
He's now decided he'll be a policeman and says he's only working his current job until he gets into the police.
The medical he failed as under weight, severe acne, kreatin in his urine (turns out he was taking lots of powers/bulking supliments) og and he failed their eye test

Maybe if he's anxious about being underweight ("weedy")
he's been taking anabolic steroids bought online as "sport supplements" .

Acne, aggression, and mood swings are typical side effects.

Other side effects are potentially far more dangerous.

gogohmm · 05/12/2022 16:41

A bed and bedding is a great idea, and perhaps offer to help him decorate in the new year together, bonding time!

Blending is never easy, one of my girls is a lot more settled with dp than the other, I think this is typical. Certainly try not to take it to heart

Kitcaterpillar · 05/12/2022 16:42

You sound like a lovely mum, OP. No idea on the teenage boy gift things but your son sounds similar to my DH at the same age. He's never needed tough love, he's always just needed more love. Keep on.

Depopdee · 05/12/2022 16:48

I can feel the compassion radiating through the phone screen. You sound like a wonderful
person OP. I’m sure your relationship will get there in time. Much love x

Original poster
WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 16:49

Sister is not a half sibling.
She is (through no fault of her own) one of the triggers of me leaving their biological Dad.
Bio Dad fully blames her and this appears to have rubbed off on my son.

It's all exceptionally messy, and it's been messy for years.
This feels different, his earning a full time salary gives him freedom for things he didn't have at school/college.
He's 18, if he goes out, he simply walks out, doesn't tell us where he is, where he's going, he buys what he wants - it all means reaching out to him is so much harder.

We've sat relatively quietly this afternoon, I took my laptop into the lounge to work as he was up and he's not really talked, but not ignored me either.
He's suggested money for driving lessons so I'm going to go with that along with a few suggestions from here so he has something to open.
Thank you all for the kind suggestions and words of encouragement.
There's been some criticism and it's so easy to focus just on those comments to try and explain/ justify our/my actions.

I'm just going to persevere with the door always open

OP posts:
ToughLoveLDN · 05/12/2022 16:51

Hey OP, do you know what designers he’s into?
END usually have good sales so you might be able to get him something cool. You say he’s into Yeezy, is he into Maharishi by any chance? They have a great sale on right now so could probably get him a few bits within your budget. Don’t bother with Flannels.
Just thinking if he’s into designers then £200 might not go too far but a good sale can get some nice bits

Havehope21 · 05/12/2022 16:54

Something from here might help too www.theschooloflife.com/shop/

countingto10 · 05/12/2022 17:00

Can I suggest silk pillowcases, great for the skin and hair? My DH has seen mine and requested one for Christmas.

You have my sympathy OP, I have 4DSs, the youngest is nearly 18 and has been the most difficult so far, covid hit him particularly hard mentally and TBH he’s still not out the other side yet. I am like you, literally just being there and taking the shit. I really think they just lash out to test how much you love them and to see if you will reject them.

I know someone else suggested a dog, is that a possibility? My DS rides and is working with horses, horses have really helped him (tried working for his dad in an office and couldn’t cope).

Hope things improve for you.

DishwasherMoran · 05/12/2022 17:00

I can't help on the pressie front OP, but I just wanted to add that I think you sound like an amazing mum Flowers

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 05/12/2022 17:01

He is a very special, and lucky, young man @WhyCantPeopleBeNice Hold onto him tight. You will get him back x

singingirl · 05/12/2022 17:02

I really love the way you are still there for him, sticking with him through this tricky time. I recognise it is really not easy but I think your patience and determination to be there and ready for when he is ready, is exemplary and awesome. If it helps, we were in a similar situation - dreadful father, screwed both my brother and I up. I got help, he didn’t for years. Took it out on my mum and our stepfather, I really recognise your story!! Now my brother has a family of his own, did get help when ready, and most definitely now has a great relationship with my mum and fully sees my stepfather as his primary father figure and loves and respects him. It has been tough for my parents but he got there! There is light coming. Meanwhile, I really like that you want to get him some meaningful pressies - all that thought will go in and he will feel it, even if he doesn’t acknowledge it yet!! All the best.

Beneficialchampion2 · 05/12/2022 17:04

A counselling session.

Misunderstoodagain · 05/12/2022 17:05

He sounds depressed,
I was a bit like that at that age- not as rude to my family but still.... the best thing my mum did was buy me a one way ticket to South America to go back packing. She gave me 6 months to save up and I ended up going for 4 months. It was the making of me in so many ways, it opened up my whole world. I stayed in hostels, met and traveled with people from all over the world. I came back a very refreshed and energetic human after. Maybe that is what he needs...

Tereseta · 05/12/2022 17:10

No idea on presents but you seem like an amazing mum! Just being there for him and not asking him to leave will resonate in a few years. He doesn't hate you, you are the dependable thing in his life by the sounds of it.

Bignanny30 · 05/12/2022 17:13

Sounds like he might be suffering from depression, try to chat and see if he’ll speak to someone professional

LemonPledge555 · 05/12/2022 17:14

I think you sound like a really good mum 💐

7eleven · 05/12/2022 17:20

Nothing to add but my ‘through the internet waves’ support xx

QOD · 05/12/2022 17:21

I have read all your posts but not the responses - just wanted to say that he doesn't hate you - you are the only person he is confident enough in your love for him that he can act like he does ...

My daughter treated me like dirt for a good few years, absolute shit on her shoes. She was a real meanager - but then she got over it, and spent even more years hating her dad (we are together and pretty happy) because he didn't defend me ... you can't win!

biggest of fist bumps to you for keeping on trying

BellePeppa · 05/12/2022 17:24

Please please don’t treat your son differently (worse) than your daughter because he is ‘harder work’. Everything about your son screams deep hurt. As the mother of a son the same age (who has depression) I could cry for him.

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