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Original poster

Present for 18 year old who hates me

205 replies

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:16

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

OP posts:
Jakadaal · 05/12/2022 13:46

I was going to suggest offering to have his room decorated but yes definitely to a double bed with nice cosy bedding. Also the hamper idea is great - it could be relatively inexpensive but very personal.

I have a rudderless older teen - keep the faith he will come good x

Fraaahnces · 05/12/2022 13:48

Gym membership, skin care Some By Mi is fabulous. Has been brilliant for my teenage son. Highly recommend the body wash in the same range too. You can buy these sets on heaps of sites. That was just one suggestion. It’s a mini travel set. Maybe take him to a dermatologist and get his skin seen to. Acne is a medical condition. Some tretinoin (roaccutane or retin-a might be beneficial.)

SirVixofVixHall · 05/12/2022 13:51

Has he seen the GP about his acne ? Severe acne can have a lifelong effect on confidence, and there are really good treatments now, he shouldn’t have to go around with a serious skin problem.
I also wonder if the stuff he has been taking is affecting his mood.

Fluffygreenslippers · 05/12/2022 13:52

What about a pair of boots or trainers? £200 would get a really nice pair of Nikes, or Vans, whatever brand he usually wears. You could get him some comfy lounge wear with whatever's left over.

Divebar2021 · 05/12/2022 13:54

I think a room refresh with the bed might be a nice idea. That move up from a single bed to double is lovely. Smaller suggestions would be a Moka ( stove top) coffee pot and nice coffee - cheaper and more portable than a pod machine. Does he like music? Record players are cool and there’s lots of mileage in future vinyl for presents.

I also think PT sessions might be useful - he’s going to need to pass a fitness test to get into the police. As an aside you may find that some forces are not exceptionally keen to recruit 18 year olds and may say to reapply in a year or so when he has a little more life experience. It certainly wouldn’t be a fantastic move if he’s not able to control his temper - lots of high stress situations where de-escalation skills are needed.

LimeCheesecake · 05/12/2022 13:54

I don’t have any good suggestions - but you he doesn’t hate you, right? He hates that his life hasn’t turned out the way he thought, he hates he’s an adult now and is supposed to have his shit together and it didn’t work out. He hates that his dad isn’t the man he hoped he’d be. He hates that he wasn’t “good enough” for the RAF.

he doesn’t hate you. He’s just taking all that out on you because he can because he knows you love him.

Lovemusic33 · 05/12/2022 13:55

I really feel for him, sounds like you are doing all you can by allowing him a safe place to stay. Being turned down for the RAF must have been hard for him especially if he had planned his future around it, rejection of any kind can be horrid and even more so if he feels reflected by his bio father.

I think I would get vouchers and a small gift, maybe a hamper of his favourite foods? My dd is the same age and she likes getting her favourite foods for Christmas which include some American stuff.

Seaweed42 · 05/12/2022 14:03

If he has 'severe acne' then I'd imagine his self esteem is absolutely rock bottom.

Have you got him a dermatology appointment?

FancyACuppaThen · 05/12/2022 14:04

Bless him. It's hard being 18, I hated being a teenager. It's good that he's still living with yous, I feel he would be angry and upset and alone maybe in a flat. I do really feel for him, I had issues with my dad during my teens and I was angry, I really went quiet and it took me a while to grow past it. He will be ok with you one day, but, maybe just get him something he won't expect to show him what he really means to yous, I know it sounds OTT but your 18 year old won't be a teen much longer and will have his own place, sounds like he needs a hug and someone to understand him and speak to

Wishiwasatsoftplay · 05/12/2022 14:08

Stuff that he can enjoy without being seen to enjoy it- chocolate, beer, consumables which he can complain about and then eat in his room-
perfume can be a win bc he doesn’t have to show he is wearing it-
Strikingly similar situation w/ dh at that age- never bought clothes as he would just ‘reject’, even if I knew they were what he had looked at himself!
vouchers can be personal- ie, you want him to see the effort, even if he can’t acknowledge it right now- so, I will take you shopping, give you a lift, buy you lunch, etc, but you can bugger off with friends whilst you’re there as I have stuff to do/read..
I know it sounds awful- like you are willing to be used, except- that is of course his problem. They yearn for love from the parent who can’t give it properly, and are righteously angry that this love you give falls short of fixing that problem.
eventually he will see for himself the failure of love is not yours, even if he cannot ever completely give up on the hope that his dad will supply a successful kind of love.
interestingly, dsis found it much easier to cut contact here too- wonder if there is something in the way dysfunctional dads talk to their sons-?

TellySavalashairbrush · 05/12/2022 14:11

Bless him. He sounds so unhappy and does have a lot on his mind from the sound of it. I'd be thinking of a year's membership to a basic gym for him, if he wants to apply for the police they do do a fitness test, so this could be an incentive as well as a good way to reduce low mood and to get him out of the house.
Sure you do already, op, but do you have some 1-2-1 time with him? Away from your dp and daughter? I only ask as in my line of work I deal with a lot of young males your son's age (who get into trouble-so bit different from your ds) and their main criticism is that their parents don't make time for them anymore. Don't be put off by thinking he hates you, he doesnt. He just doesnt know how to deal with all the crap that is going on for him at the moment. Not always easy when they are being horrible to you, but reinforcing that he can do well in a job, will eventually pass his driving test if he puts his mind to it and is under no obligation to pander to his birth father may be what he needs to hear from you.

whiskersonkittenss · 05/12/2022 14:13

Does he like gaming? Maybe a voucher for the console he uses?

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 05/12/2022 14:14

You sound an amazing level-headed mum @WhyCantPeopleBeNice You are weathering the storm and know your kind, senstive son is buried in there somewhere.

Persevere with how you're handling this and carry on being there for him and the constant in his life.

Present-wise, the double bed idea is great as is a PT.

What was he into when he younger? Is there something he loved that you can recreate for him now he's an adult? Not sure what but something like a limited edition of a magazine he used to love?

Or vinyl/turntable?

I can see this is more than just a Christmas present.

You will reach him @WhyCantPeopleBeNice

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 05/12/2022 14:18

A hamper of little bits and bobs is also a great idea. Really thoughtful.

SurpriseSparDay · 05/12/2022 14:22

Agree the double bed sounds an excellent idea - it would really underline that you value having him around.

Plus new bedding? Hot water bottle? A lovely bright blanket? Anything nurturing and comforting.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 05/12/2022 14:23

I think the double bed is a great idea with some new bedding and if you can afford it maybe redecorate his room. It shows he is wanted at home and you want it to be a comfortable space for him.

Please dont buy skincare as a christmas gift

Dixiechickonhols · 05/12/2022 14:26

Bed and bedding sounds nice. For stocking lottery ticket or scratch card?

emmathedilemma · 05/12/2022 14:27

counselling sessions

Seaweed42 · 05/12/2022 14:27

I'd forget any great presents.
A double bed is an absolute no no as a present in my opinion.
That's so invasive to make a decision about his bedroom furniture without consulting him. If I was him I'd see that as very controlling.
That bedroom is his personal space.

Just give him Just Eat vouchers and money, socks, shower gel.
Then tell him a few specific things that you might like from Boots.
Just take the pressure off him. Give him space.

Milesty1 · 05/12/2022 14:27

How about private dermatologist appointment? Maybe not for Christmas, but this may help in the long term. For Christmas something small and personal and then some cash.

stopbeeping · 05/12/2022 14:30

A kindle ! I love mine
Can watch tv on it or read books etc
I really am glad I got it
It was about £130 I think? I have a fire ? Not the latest one though
And an extension lead so he can charge it from his bed and use it without bending around
Also for his phone etc the extension lead

And maybe some fluffy crocs too!

stopbeeping · 05/12/2022 14:31

Sorry this was the wrong three

Onceuponawhileago · 05/12/2022 14:35

If I were you I'd spend £200 on a good psychotherapist to find out why you are accomodating such poor behaviour (with valid reasons) in your family. Why should everyone pay the price for his moods & difficulties. Honestly, just STOP and take a step back.
Dont want a Christmas present? - thats fine. Dont get him one. He needs to step up, you need to step back.

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 05/12/2022 14:37

we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

What? This is what happened to me and most of the people I know. Yes, it was awful, but it was also brilliant. I'd be buying him a suitcase and a clothes horse.

SurpriseSparDay · 05/12/2022 14:37

That's so invasive to make a decision about his bedroom furniture without consulting him. If I was him I'd see that as very controlling.

Oddest thing I’ve read in a long time. How on earth is it controlling to buy a bed for your teen child who lives at home? Particularly when the OP has said the old one needs replacing. And she hasn’t said she won’t consult him.