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Original poster

Present for 18 year old who hates me

205 replies

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:16

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

OP posts:
Redkettle · 05/12/2022 15:02

A VR headset. They're amazing. When he gets anxious or upset he can go to a whole other world . Really helped me when I was low

Trollsintheforest · 05/12/2022 15:03

GetThatHelmetOn · 05/12/2022 14:56

Not to state the obvious but do you realise that you are enabling your son’s abuse towards you all and, as a good former victim of abuse you are trying to appease him when you shouldn’t? You might be enabling that dreadful behaviour. He doesn’t need a gift, much less so a £200 one, what he needs to understand is that you all are not there to make him happy.

Next time he threatens to move out, just say yes and add prompter boundaries when he wants to come back.

Show quote history

Ever heard of You’re only as happy as your least happy child? From what op is describing she is doing the exact right thing, her son needs someone to love him no matter what right now. And to leave him alone when he needs it. Growing up is not always easy.

beAsensible1 · 05/12/2022 15:03

I'd buy him either a flying lesson (where he actually gets to go in the air) or F1 driving experience. If he has motorbike seems like something that could lift his spirits and give you some brownie points!

Trollsintheforest · 05/12/2022 15:03

Redkettle · 05/12/2022 15:02

A VR headset. They're amazing. When he gets anxious or upset he can go to a whole other world . Really helped me when I was low

Agree.

aloris · 05/12/2022 15:04

I agree with no skincare, it makes the person with acne feel very much that their acne is noticeable and unacceptable.

StaunchMomma · 05/12/2022 15:04

I think I'd probably pre-pay for his driving theory and some lessons, then just give him a few chocs?

It sounds like he's going through something, there.

Restlessinthenorth · 05/12/2022 15:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Restlessinthenorth · 05/12/2022 15:05

Sorry wrong thread, I've reported

AnneTwackie · 05/12/2022 15:06

Could you get him something that will help with his mental health and self esteem, like a gym membership to encourage him to exercise? It will also help with his police application

SuperCamp · 05/12/2022 15:08

Something to take care of? If you do the double bed / room refresh (good idea), some small plants / cactii? My 19 yo bought some for his Uni room and is bizarrely proud of his ability to have nurtured them and kept them alive. Had never noticed any of our house plants, but HIS plants were a different matter.

Also, this is controversial, a Horsefield tortoise with a tortoise table and warmth light? I thought if this because of his dog walking and kindness to the owners, and him having difficulty with expressing himself except through anger. They are very small, easy to keep, friendly and interactive. BUT obviously there would need to be a plan for when he eventually leaves home. Again, my Ds would have loved one of these tortoises.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/12/2022 15:08

He sounds at a miserable point in his life.
(Bad skin - bad eyes - career scuppered - no girl/boy friend- he feels a failure and unloveable and has seen that you reject badly-behaved men like his bio-Dad)
However - we old ones know that not all this will last... and he is lucky to have you.Just hang in there - you know he is still in there somewhere.

His treatment of you (and surprise that you still want to give him a present) sounds just like that of some of the teens we fostered.

They no longer trusted that people would still be there for them - and tended to test those closest to them to see what it would take to make them give up and leave. Those tests were tough!

We found that little things win them over in the end.

Perhaps you can keep doing as you are doing. Keep looking after him just as if he was behaving like a loving son. Refuse to be hurt (even if you are). Make him cups of tea or favourite sandwiches (any loving little things) just as you normally would - even right after one of his outbursts. Don't let him think you see him as like his bio-Dad.

Point out rudeness/bad behaviour just as you always would have but be careful not to look as if there was any chance that you'd ever reject him for it. Don't let any sanctions for his actions go any further than the thing itself. Don't go on and on!

Even on the worst days I tried to find something ours had done right - or that I really liked about them - and find a way to add it to the last conversation of the day. This is one thing that worked - even with the older ones.

Seem to expect him to do the right things/be loving (even if you don't). Assume that he will be his best self and keep doing it. Make it easy for him to fall back into his normal ways and don't allow him to take on the role of house demon.

SuperCamp · 05/12/2022 15:10

Good post @LiesDoNotBecomeUs

Trollsintheforest · 05/12/2022 15:11

Dogs are obviously not for Christmas and he might move soon, but sounds like he would benefit from a dog..

PearlclutchersInc · 05/12/2022 15:14

How about small jokey things...Step 1 pants, decent deodoro, Quarter of Pound retro sweets, cinema vouchers....just to show you've made an effort. It's not all about big money?

Original poster
WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 15:15

He goes to a gym, so already has his own membership
For the comments about his skin, he has seen a doctor, he has been referred to a dermatologist but refused to take the medication because he says it didn't work for him.
I won't buy him skin products because I'm not prepared to make it worse.

He has woken up, I made him a coffee and I suggested a bed - he's grumbled about rearranging his room so I'm just going to leave the idea with him and check back in a day or two.
I will have him choose, if nothing else, choosing a mattress is personal, soft/medium/firm and needs to be right for him.

Thank you for all the ideas, the kind comments.

For anyone saying I'm enabling - whilst there is no risk of physical harm to my family, whilst my daughter is still able to talk to us and talk about her concerns I will absolutely not be forcing him out.

OP posts:
ohnoooooooooooo · 05/12/2022 15:17

Double Bed!!!! this sounds like exactly what he needs - comfort, better sleep, something he can take with him and something to make him feel more grown up. I would go with this for sure - he sounds like he's really hurting and we all need a really comfy bed when we're feeling small. You're doing really well with him by the sounds of it - he hasn't had an easy time.

Tripsabroad · 05/12/2022 15:18

Did he want to travel for his year off? I don't really understand why he needed permission if so? Presumably he could save his wages and go off on an adventure? In which case, a backpack!

Please forgive me for asking, but are you sure he's not using steroids? The aggression and acne and desire to bulk up made me wonder.

cheesymashfortea · 05/12/2022 15:18

I think I would split your budget up to a voucher - perhaps selfridges if he likes designer items? And then get some personal bits to show you are thinking about him, favourite sweets, some functional items like underwear and socks in a brand he likes, novelty mug of something he likes, some nice alcohol if he drinks or one of those sets with a beer and glass to go with it.

Does he support a football team? The latest season shirt could be a nice present, I got a Man Utd shirt for my dad last year and from what I remember it was around £40. Could also have a look at art of football website they have some great merchandise and prints for loads of teams.

Gassylady · 05/12/2022 15:19

Sounds really tough on you all. Agree skincare might send the wrong message. A few sessions with a PT could be great to guide his attempts to build muscle/gain weight along with some gym kit to wear. I may be barking up the wrong tree given the renewed contact with his dad but could he be involved in steroid use as part of his regime of powders etc? They do cause both acne and “roid rage”

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/12/2022 15:20

I’d get him a double bed, personalised key fob and some American candy/goodies, if the budget stretches to it. You don’t need to get a brand new bed either.

Hope he feels better. My DB when his age had bad back acne but also needed bulking up and got a Bullworker and felt at 5 ft 6 he was too short.

randomusername666 · 05/12/2022 15:20

good on you for being such a lovely mum to your troubled son.

I hope / expect / trust as he gets a bit older and into the job he wants, he will eventually grow out of the moods and aggression towards you and hour husband and daughter but I doubt he will ever get over the shit his bio dad is throwing his way.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 05/12/2022 15:22

XelaM · 05/12/2022 11:50

I like the key fob with love message plus money so he can buy what he really wants

Show quote history

This.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/12/2022 15:24

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 15:15

He goes to a gym, so already has his own membership
For the comments about his skin, he has seen a doctor, he has been referred to a dermatologist but refused to take the medication because he says it didn't work for him.
I won't buy him skin products because I'm not prepared to make it worse.

He has woken up, I made him a coffee and I suggested a bed - he's grumbled about rearranging his room so I'm just going to leave the idea with him and check back in a day or two.
I will have him choose, if nothing else, choosing a mattress is personal, soft/medium/firm and needs to be right for him.

Thank you for all the ideas, the kind comments.

For anyone saying I'm enabling - whilst there is no risk of physical harm to my family, whilst my daughter is still able to talk to us and talk about her concerns I will absolutely not be forcing him out.

Good on you for not forcing him out! My DB left home at 16, far too young and was traumatic, won’t go into it here but his employer who gave him a home potentially tried to groom him.

Your DS as you know needs support and love. I would check there’s no steroid use too though.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 05/12/2022 15:24

Sounds like the greatest gift you could give him is a reality check and a deposit for a bedsit..... 😬

Original poster
WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 15:26

A couple of people have asked why he wanted time off, he just wanted time off.
I suggested we get him a passport and he goes travelling, he refused.
His exams finished in June, End of September after his being in bed till 2 most days I said enough was enough and he had to get a job, get out and get some routine in his life.
If he was going to travel I've fully support that decision

OP posts: