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Christmas

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Original poster

Present for 18 year old who hates me

205 replies

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:16

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

OP posts:
MadameMackenzie · 05/12/2022 15:26

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:42

@MillyMollyManky he really was gutted.
He's now decided he'll be a policeman and says he's only working his current job until he gets into the police.
The medical he failed as under weight, severe acne, kreatin in his urine (turns out he was taking lots of powers/bulking supliments) og and he failed their eye test

Since when did the RAF have an eye test? I know someone practically blind who's in the RAF, he just has to always wear his glasses

AutumnCrow · 05/12/2022 15:26

What medication did the dermatologist prescribe him?

I first saw a dermatologist as a young teenager and let's just say it was a rocky road for a long while. I wish I'd had help via the internet.

Hugsssssss · 05/12/2022 15:26

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 15:15

He goes to a gym, so already has his own membership
For the comments about his skin, he has seen a doctor, he has been referred to a dermatologist but refused to take the medication because he says it didn't work for him.
I won't buy him skin products because I'm not prepared to make it worse.

He has woken up, I made him a coffee and I suggested a bed - he's grumbled about rearranging his room so I'm just going to leave the idea with him and check back in a day or two.
I will have him choose, if nothing else, choosing a mattress is personal, soft/medium/firm and needs to be right for him.

Thank you for all the ideas, the kind comments.

For anyone saying I'm enabling - whilst there is no risk of physical harm to my family, whilst my daughter is still able to talk to us and talk about her concerns I will absolutely not be forcing him out.

Just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum. I think you’re doing the right thing by being his constant and continuing to make gestures. And I think you articulated the issue with his bio dad very well. You know he’s under his spell in some way..

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 05/12/2022 15:27

Agree with the pp who said to be careful as to whether he’s on steroids. They cause all sorts of behavioural issues.

SNWannabe · 05/12/2022 15:27

I would not have the bed as a Christmas gift, that's a household buy...not a present. Get that anyway...

But I like the hamper and goodies idea as well as a photobook, maybe some photos of him with his stepdad too. What about a board game and some booze or a cookery set like from the spicery website, they do curry kits etc... grown up and a lifeskill but would be nice for a family curry night too.

Does he read? Maybe some books or even a self help thing...They Fuck you up...about toxic parents? Or similar? Maybe not so festive...

Loachworks · 05/12/2022 15:37

I've read about half of the thread. I have DSs aged 18 & 227 (and DD16.) I take them each on a shopping trip to a city at Christmas. Not only do they get what they want but I get a one on one day with each of them. All three say they love it. There's none of the stresses of home.
A PP suggested a frying pan, please don't do that.
One of my DSs was gifted a thing (don't even know what it's called) but it suspends, turns and displays a trainer, like it's an ornament/work of art. Some might think it's batshit but to someone spending over £500 on a pair of trainers he clearly loves them. I'll see if I can find a photo or link for it

OhForDuckSake · 05/12/2022 15:39

Do kids still like Yeezy after the Kanye thing? I might not risk it.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2022 15:41

Vouchers are the way to go.

And a big hint that a grotty bedsit might not be such a bad idea. Buy him £200 worth of cooking utensils, cleaning supplies, and a frying pan.

Loachworks · 05/12/2022 15:42

Its called a magnetic levitation display for trainers.

Fleurdaisy · 05/12/2022 15:44

A motorway lesson for after he passes his test? ( written as a note inside a card)
Look at Red Letter Days and Virgin Experiences sites www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/christmas-gifts?opti_ca=1637919065&opti_ag=128356984046&opti_ad=638647006277&opti_key=dsa-1461565582000&utm_term=DYNAMIC+SEARCH+ADS&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlfDb9-ji-wIVuYBQBh2XrgxgEAAYASAAEgKx4_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
for activity experience ideas

Frenulumetta · 05/12/2022 15:48

When you have your heart set on being in the armed forces to be rejected through no real fault of your own is devastating and can cause great mental health issues perhaps he needed a year off to decide what else to do. Lots of people have a year off what do you mean you wouldn't let him? He was 18 surely that makes him an adult no matter how immature he is in your eyes surely he can make that decision himself? Or do you mean you would not let him live with you rent free paying for everything for a year (fair enough). The best thing you can do for him is show him you care and respect him treat him as an adult and don't dismiss his ideas and feelings when they don't suit yours. He may have valid reasons to dislike your partner have you addressed those issues? I know how hard this is as have a similar situation but I don't think your problem is actually choosing what to buy him but choosing how to understand him.

Trollsintheforest · 05/12/2022 15:53

OhForDuckSake · 05/12/2022 15:39

Do kids still like Yeezy after the Kanye thing? I might not risk it.

No, they don’t. My ds sold all of his when he guessed where it was going with Kanye..

User359472111111 · 05/12/2022 15:53

WhyCantPeopleBeNice · 05/12/2022 11:48

@GreenLunchBox it is crazy, but he's my son, and as I said at the start, and to most my friends who ask why I haven't kicked him out...
He is holding down a job. He isn't bringing police/trouble to the door.
He's just so incredibly angry with everyone everything - I 100% blame his biological Dad but that gets us nowhere. I can only deal with my son's behaviour.

I will say though, deep down, he's a good kid.
An example, a couple he dog sits for lost their dog to old age. He bought a card and flowers to give them with no prompting.
When he was younger he'd see me having a bad day, he'd be the first to put the kettle on.
Deep down he's a good kid, i need to give him space whilst keeping him safe

You are the kind of parent we should aspire to be. I hope if I ever face this kind of situation, that I do it with this much grace!

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 05/12/2022 15:56

@WhyCantPeopleBeNice - a word of caution about the double bed idea - most young people's first experience living away from home tends to be in house shares or furnished bedsit/flat rentals. He's unlikely to have room for a double bed in them, if moving away is on the cards.

Should he get into another branch of the military, he'll be in digs, and again not have a place to use his own bed.

So while a new bed might be nice, I wouldn't assume it's part of him getting independence.

ArielManto43 · 05/12/2022 15:57

I would probably get him some Sauvage cologne and £150 cash. Then it looks like you've cared enough to take the trouble to get him a really decent present, but also given him a properly decent amount of money as well. (Sauvage is a pretty safe bet as far as fragrance goes: almost everyone seems to like that one).

Pinkittens · 05/12/2022 15:57

Take him shopping for some designer clothes he chooses himself? It might be a good opportunity to bond.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 05/12/2022 16:01

No specific present ideas, but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum. In addition to whatever gift you decide to get, perhaps you could write him a card in which you list some of the things that you're proud of about him - his good qualities, nice things he's done during the year... Sounds like his self esteem might be quite low at the moment.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/12/2022 16:01

You were right to get him working.

Being unemployed is in itself deeply depressing and adds to the feeling that the world doesn’t need you… it makes you less employable later too.

Work is a great distraction and he needs that!

Singleandproud · 05/12/2022 16:02

In terms of the RAF, it won't work whilst he is working nights but has he thought of joining the ATC as a Civilian Instructor, he could then work up to Commissioned Officer or NCO (training). He will still get to experience flying, shooting, field craft staying on a military base both in the UK and Overseas and the general military lifestyle to an extent. Normally your local squadron will meet 2 nights a week.

Other than that he sounds like there is alot going on and a lot to unpack. He sounds frustrated and disappointed and expressing that a bit like an overgrown toddler, try and keep in mind the rational part of our brain isn't fully developed until mid 20s so don't take it personally although don't let him disrespect you either.

Don't get him nothing, maybe £200 of driving lessons wrapped with an air freshener so he has something to physically open on the day.

Charlieiscool · 05/12/2022 16:03

Would he like a gym membership?

Redburnett · 05/12/2022 16:05

The chances of an unhappy and/or rebellious 18 year old appreciating any gift bought by parents is low. Just give him money and let him spend it however he chooses, even if you think his choices are unwise.

Redburnett · 05/12/2022 16:08

Vouchers are not great IMO, if you give him one you will likely find it stuffed away in a drawer in 18 months time when it has expired.

SomeoneFireKwaziiKitten · 05/12/2022 16:16

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/12/2022 11:52

Is he still taking bulking supplements etc? That could explain the mood swings.

I feel like this poster doesn’t know a lot about fitness/lifting. Basic supplements will do nothing to your mood.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 05/12/2022 16:17

Is there a particular reason why he works nights @WhyCantPeopleBeNice Do you think a daytime job would help him have a better relationship with everyday life and family routine or perhaps he chose nights to avoid that? Just thinking off the back of the pp's about joining the ATC or similar I wonder if nights are a bit limiting for him in the great scheme of things.

What ideas does your DH have for gifts for your son?

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 05/12/2022 16:21

Loachworks · 05/12/2022 15:37

I've read about half of the thread. I have DSs aged 18 & 227 (and DD16.) I take them each on a shopping trip to a city at Christmas. Not only do they get what they want but I get a one on one day with each of them. All three say they love it. There's none of the stresses of home.
A PP suggested a frying pan, please don't do that.
One of my DSs was gifted a thing (don't even know what it's called) but it suspends, turns and displays a trainer, like it's an ornament/work of art. Some might think it's batshit but to someone spending over £500 on a pair of trainers he clearly loves them. I'll see if I can find a photo or link for it

I suggested the frying pan.
Not all 18year olds are interested in cooking but lots are. It’s part of that stage of starting to be in charge of your own comings and goings, your own choices of what and when to eat. An 18year old cooking lots of eggs and extra protein for muscle building may well love a decent frying pan. I actually don’t think OPs son would be interested because she didn’t react to the idea. And of course when you move out of home you need all these things right away and good cooking equipment costs lots of money. And cheap cooking equipment is harder to use and breaks quickly. One thing I really appreciated at that sort of life stage was a couple of proper knives. Learning to cook for yourself with crap knives that aren’t sharp and can’t be sharpened is frustrating. But I wasn’t going to suggest knives as a gift for a troubled 18year old man still living at home who doesn’t get on with his stepdad.