Present for 18 year old who hates me

[WhyCantPeopleBeNice]

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

Not Christmas related but why does he have severe acne? Has he been to the GP and tried all the usual stuff? My ds has tried everything so he's now seeing a private dermatologist and taking Roaccutane which has really helped. You need to help him with his skin. As PP said, this will affect him hugely.

I would definitely go for the double bed and some new bedding.

I'm sorry he didn't get into the RAF. Is he doing anything so that he can reapply?

But let him choose the bed. Could you take him on a trip to IKEA, just the two of you?

OP no idea what to buy your son but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum.

it must be so hard to navigate through this when the easier option would be to turf him out. But this kid clearly needs you, needs someone to love him, even if it’s from a distance.

i hope things start to turn around for him soon.

I’d use it to pay for a day out or weekend together eg Travel lodge. When I have spent 1:1 time with my angry 18 year old after an initial couple of hours of rudeness and being unpleasant he started to open up.
Maybe it’s worth a try? If he will sell or not want anything you get him it may be a good use of the money. Worse comes it doesn’t work and things are no worse than they were before.
Could you get a trentinol subscription to sort out his acne? It’s such a major thing for teens.

I don't think OP said say he didn't want a Christmas present, but that he didn't realise they were doing them this year.

I believe he is lost, not insolent.
He sounds ambitious and driven. He needs to work through some issues and to find his groove.

I also think the OP and her husband need to find a way of getting on the same page regarding the ex as she is possibly feeling unsupported?

This is heartbreaking I'm so sorry❤️ he sounds like me when I was 18, I was so confused and angry at the world, I blamed everyone for my mistakes, everything changed when I feel pregnant with my little boy. I hope your son sees through this rough part in his life and sees things for how they are. I spent many many years making excuses for my mum, I finally saw her for what she was but you don't deserve the back lash from whatever he is feeling inside.

I feel sorry for him as the career paths he is interested in won't work for him. There's nothing you can do about that except be there for him.

Ideas for presents:

Small double bed with nice new bedding
Mini fridge
Gym membership if he wants to bulk up - or personal trainer sessions
Hamper of goodies - American sweets & nice drinks
A £50 note

Firstly - He DOES NOT hate you! He hates his situation and by the sounds of it himself. He deflects how bad he feels into hating the people he actually loves because that's easier than facing the world/himself etc. Of course he needs counselling/CBT but that in itself is hard work and it sounds like he feels to low to do it. It sounds like he needs to see the GP and possibly antidepressants before talking therapy will have any affect.

Re Xmas - buy a couple of small gifts and give him the rest cash.

Hope he can get some joy out of Xmas! Try not to let him spoil yours - try separate the 2 things xxx

Make origami shirts with the money and put them on a card (google how in YouTube) That shows you have made the effort but he still has free range on how to spend the money

I think it is nice that you want to buy him decent presents. I think a bed is a great idea - though obviously above budget. I don't know if stockings are a thing in your house but I will be buying everyone some super warm socks, some chocolates and a candy cane - they are all teens.

I know it’s been said before but you do sound like a lovely Mum. What a difficult situation. Getting him a double bed and redecorating his room would make him feel more grown up and he could have a ‘friend’ to stay in the future. It’s not a Christmas present to open on Christmas Day though. What about a subscription box of some kind? We’ve had hotel Chocolat in the past. I thought perhaps the gift arriving each month would remind him he is loved so much.

Get him some nice T-shirts or a light jacket from C.P Company.

Hope he comes arround once he has find his way in life a littlle more.

This is what I wanted to say, but Lime said it so much better.

I think the bed is a great idea, it's useful, he benefits from it, and he gets to take it with him when he moves on.

Please don't get him skin care stuff now. After Christmas arrange that he sees a dermotologist. There is so much help available for acne now, but it must be monitored properly.

My ds is 24 now and at around 18 he found life very difficult too. I know it's a cliche thing to say, but he will find himself. He needs to work things out in his head re his dad for himself.

Also, have you thought about a gap year abroad? There are many options available and sometimes they need to get away from family stuff as to see things clearer from a distance.

I’d pay for a private dermatologist appt (assuming you’ve tried the nhs waiting list) to help sort out the severe acne. That is possibly having a massive impact on his life. In London a private appt would be approx £150 then prescription costs (which an nhs gp may agree to reissue as an nhs script).

You’re doing the right thing OP. I do think that sometimes you need to just give these things time. “Turn your boat downstream” as some self help type people say!

Not that it is controlling, but that he will interpret it that way-! He will hate the intimacy of the gift but then have no choice but to use it!
sometimes a ‘kindness’ is too much

Not to state the obvious but do you realise that you are enabling your son’s abuse towards you all and, as a good former victim of abuse you are trying to appease him when you shouldn’t? You might be enabling that dreadful behaviour. He doesn’t need a gift, much less so a £200 one, what he needs to understand is that you all are not there to make him happy.

Next time he threatens to move out, just say yes and add prompter boundaries when he wants to come back.

A diary? These are beautifully made and it's a way of saying that his thoughts and plans have value. www.leuchtturm1917.co.uk/notebooks/all-formats/master-a4/

AirPods or a years cinema card

Get him a homemade gift card for a double bed, and he can try one out himself. If you are near an Ikea they have really good huge hotel pillows, my 19-year old loves them. Or if he doesn’t have a tv buy a small one for his room to stream Netflix or whatever. My son got one of those ones that you put in the corner of the wall (footend of his bed) and you can angle it the way you want. Does he like energy drinks, then a case of those and snacks.. A barbell for his room?

Air pods if he doesn’t have them already, the sound proof ones.

Double bed - it would be very tricky to reject that!

Absolutely no skincare. That sends a pretty awful message.

As with the interceptor experience above, there is also one where I think you have a track experience of a police chase, where a sting trap can be used. Very limited dates though, and I think it has to be early due to clearing up the mess it causes, but a pretty niche experience: www.intotheblue.co.uk/experiences/police-pursuit-driving-experience/

I like the idea of the double bed. Grown young men in a single bed look like beetles turned over on their backs, all arms and legs falling off the bed in different places. But I would not just go out and buy him one as a secret surprise, because if it was uncomfortable then he would have to live with it for a long time; that would have the opposite effect than the supportive vibe you are going for. I would work out how much you can budget for it, and then tell him that is what you are getting him for Christmas. Tell him your budget. Take him shopping for it, let him add on his own funds if he wants to (so he can get a bed he really likes), etc.

Don't forget to budget for the cost of new sheets as a bed without sheets will feel like he's going down in the world.

Also, meant to say he sounds very similar to my ds in many ways. So, in terms of presents, I'm getting mine: smellies, a snuggly oodie type thing, a soft throw and cushion for his bed, protein powder/ vitamins - just avoid anything with whey or dairy if he has acne; a vermeil gold chain and pendant (he chose this) but maybe just a plain silver chain?, some Superdry swim shorts for the gym (does your ds go to the gym? Could you get him a 3 month subscription and some gym wear) gym equipment- dumbell type things, earphones, phone charger, new bedding set, saucepan and recipe book, black beanie hat and gloves.