Present for 18 year old who hates me

[WhyCantPeopleBeNice]

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

Is he still taking bulking supplements etc? That could explain the mood swings.

yelled at me when I explained that was standard

It really does sound hard and honestly, I would only confront him with the error of his ways when you really, really have to. It sounds as if you are doing everything you possibly can right and honestly, just be a bit easy on yourself.

He has discovered what missing a lesson means, why bother explaining again?

Hope his police role works out, it could absolutely be the making of him.

Good luck

You do sound like a lovely mum as someone mentioned. Is there something you could do just both of you together? Any bands you both like? Feel like he’s crying out for a close relationship with you but he can’t express it x

He'll come good OP. I have mixed feelings about the police but being part of a team
might be the making of him.

Other ideas based on what I've got my 19 year honorary child (DD's long term boyfriend):

Big box of snacks
Hoody
Inkey list skincare
Personalised mug

That sounds really tough OP, but he’s obviously a lovely lad underneath all the anger.

I would get a nice aftershave and then give him cash. I’d also do something sentimental like make him up a photo album of you and him from when he was born right up til your last photo together. I’d write a nice message about always being there for him no matter how much he pushes you away. He may try to hate it but he’s shown he’s a sweetie really with the card and flowers for the people whose dog died, so on some level it will sink in.

I hope things improve OP for all of you.

He needs counselling. He sounds very depressed and lost. You need to address that instead of buying him things. Skincare products? A subscription to Skin and Me? Think of ways to boost his confidence. A gym subscription? If he's underweight and has poor skin it doesn't't sound like he's eating properly for a start.

I'm glad. I gifted someone one with a trolley token and a photo on it, with an inscription along the lines of "travel safely, you are loved" when they got a car. Think I got it in Etsy. They loved it.

@RosettaStormer counselling only works when the other person wants to engage. He isn't there yet.
His sister has engaged with a counsellor and it's done her the world of good coming to terms with her biological Dad, but again, she had to be in the right frame of mind before it helped.

I'm not buying him things for the sake of it, it's Christmas, it's always been a big thing in our home and to not get him something will feed into the rhetoric we don't like him which is why I want to get this right, so when he hits a place where he decides he wants a change he knows we are still here to support him until then, my only focus is keeping him at home where I can to some degree monitor him.

He sounds pretty rudderless.

Two things made me curious in your posts: that he hates your husband - why is this? And was he routinely seeing you have bad days and putting the kettle on for you? How old was he when he was doing this?

A hamper full of his favourite snacks and the rest in cash?

Why did he want to take a year off? Did he want to travel? Did he just want to chill? What was behind it? I get why you wanted him to work, but wasn't there some sort of compromise so he couldn't do what he wanted? Perhaps a present aimed at whatever it was he wanted to do, flight vouchers, train fares, etc.

So he COULD do what he wanted....

WhyCantPeopleBeNice My Mum could have written your post about how her relationship was with one of my siblings in the past, so I do understand having witnessed it second hand. Please be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can with someone you love who at the moment is not settled or happy with his world and his life choices.

I second the idea of a coffee maker like a Tassimo machine with coffee pods and maybe chocolate stirrers, nice mints or chocs? Also, a small hamper of different snacks have gone down well with family members of that age: like an American one or Japanese or Asian snacks (a lot of supermarkets have these items to buy seperately and you could put in a wicker hamper). A wallet Ninja has been useful for that age group too.

Remember though you have given with love even if its rejected he will know you have treated him the same as every other loved family member or friend.

My suggestion is that you write a home made voucher for a month of sessions with a personal trainer who does functional fitness. Someone who is desperately trying to bulk up needs guidance. If he is under the sway of body building culture, it won't help him be fit or strong. Then if he doesn't like the idea you can agree something else to spend the money on. Private dermatology consultation? He may need roaccutane to shrink the sebum glands.

Nothing says merry Christmas like highlighting his acne problem. Please don't get him skincare OP (also without medical/dermatology guidance, any new product might do more harm than good)

@YouSoundLovely I believe most of his dislike is because of his Dad, I met my husband 6 years after I split from their Dad, but their Dad was always convinced we'd get back together (when we were split I ended up in a refuge so that was never on the cards)

My husband did the usual Dad things, taught him to ride a bike, helps fix his motorbike, got him into football BUT he also doesn't take his moods in the way I do, My husband takes my son's rejection personally whereas I look at the bigger picture.
Honestly I think you need to have been in a controlling relationship to understand the hold someone can have over you. I see the control from my son's Dad. My husband can't understand it.
My daughter cut all ties with him so my husband assumes it's easy for my son to do the same. It isn't.

My son hates my daughter because she did cut all ties, he gets the brunt of his Dad.
We managed to cut all contact in 2020 when his Dad was sectioned. He's now out, apparently better and made contact when my son turned 18 in July.

Anyway long story short.
Husband takes the rejection personally
Son rejects him and then uses my husband's reaction against him as 'proof'
I do not know if their relationship can ever be salvaged, I doubt he'll ever see my husband as a Dad figure again

£100 then a stocking with some soppy stuff such as a personalised mug and his favourite sweets etc.

Some pt sessions? To help him with his police future

Right - focussing back on the presents.
Hamper is a nice idea. He used to like American sweets so that along with a few other goodies.
I like the idea of 'moving out' things but preferably stuff he can use at home as well as when he moves out so maybe nice towels, smellies.
I contemplated ignoring the budget a little and getting him a double bed. He has a single, which to be fair is showing its age, could get him something that he could then take with him when he moves out but may help him sleep better whilst here

I actually did get my 18 year old yeezys but other things I have that could help?
clinique great skin set
RL polo fleece
skullcandy headphones (apparently they like these now)
RL boxers and CK socks (from a market...shhhh)
gucci guilty
protein power
lego
a game (PS5)
rings (3)
He has other things but these are a few ideas?

He might like some cool raybans?
mine asked for a few items he wont be getting - north face jacket (too ££), a watch, bead bracelet (no idea what type he means and not going to risk it), barbour jacket (yeah, no).

Double bed is a good idea and improved sleep has to be a positive.

I also got mine a poster, framed displate.com/displate/4638866

I second the double bed. Recognise it might not look like the most exciting present but it will help him feel more adult and definitely be useful for when he moves out

It sounds a very difficult situation indeed, and as if he could really do with a clear-headed male mentor. Anyone in the wider family who might be able to help with that? It's a shame your husband can't rise above his emotional responses.

Not sure I can help on the gifts, but looks as if you have plenty of suggestions.

Something that says I believe in you and your dream to be in the police. So maybe a hamper with e.g,
police handbook
decent socks
Decent leather belt
quality pen
virgin experience day to be a passenger in interceptor car
box of Doughnuts 😂