Present for 18 year old who hates me

[WhyCantPeopleBeNice]

Relationship with my son feels non existent , he's very angry with the world, and since leaving college he works nights and doesn't speak to us, he exists in our house and whilst it sounds (and is) horrific he is working, doesn't bring trouble to our door so we'd rather he's here and we know he's safe than him moving into some grotty flat (which he's threatened multiple times)

The problem is, Christmas
I asked what he wanted and he grunted he didn't realise we were doing presents this year...there wasn't a discussion we weren't ! and I can buy his sibling something and not him.
He likes designer clothes, buys his own, recently bought himself a wallet, pays for driving lessons, has a motorbike, very few friends....
So what on earth would you buy??
£200 budget

Apologies I have got muddled up with a similar thread. Carry on as you are 👍

Just on the subject of acne as you asked if it can be treated. It absolutely can. Does he mention it to you or would he be ok with you bringing it up?

If it is quite severe as it sounds like it is, he needs to go to the GP. There’s lots of things to try that really do work but he may need a dermatology referral. We saw one privately and after treatment my son has great skin now and fortunately no scarring despite having quite severe acne previously. It could be part of his low mood if it affects his confidence or it’s sore.

He sounds like there’s been a lot going on in his life, and he’s still so, so young really. Has he had any help/talking therapy? It could help him learn to self-regulate and process the anger he’s holding onto. It sounds like the relationship with his dad has had a profound effect on him. He’s only 18, working, and trying to better his job prospects- he’s doing a lot better than some youngsters. Not getting into the Raf must have been gutting for him.
How is he underweight if he’s using bulking powders, though?

Did he hate your Husband before you were married or is this a recent thing?

@WhyCantPeopleBeNice
My son was tricky at around this age
Also, he was a very late developer, physically
He wasn’t fully grown til he was 21!

He was always a very “ Wiry” child , always slim
Some lads just take longer to mature, physically and mentally than others.

Definitely stay away from anabolic steroids if he can .

It’s not easy, steering them through teens and even early Twenties.
A double bed sounds good if he wants one.

My husband did the usual Dad things, taught him to ride a bike, helps fix his motorbike, got him into football BUT he also doesn't take his moods in the way I do, My husband takes my son's rejection personally whereas I look at the bigger picture.
Honestly I think you need to have been in a controlling relationship to understand the hold someone can have over you. I see the control from my son's Dad. My husband can't understand it.

Sounds like you are in a controlling relationship again - with your son. He's ruling you with his moods and your dh has no choice but to watch the woman he loves be treated so poorly by her grown up son.

Is his eye sight treatable with laser surgery, could you put towards that? I'm shocked acne which is largely treatable now is a bar to joining the military!

Sorry NRTFT I just wanted to say what an incredible mum you sound!!

He is obviously struggling a lot and I feel so sorry for him but in your shoes many parents would be angry at him but you want to show him you love and care about him - which is exactly what he needs!!

It does sound like he could be quite depressed and working nights isn’t going to help that but it’s great that he’s got a goal in mind and the police is a great one to have!

I love the idea of a double bed now he’s ‘an adult’.
You could get him some dumbbells but be cautious as he’s obviously very body conscious.

If he has acne I would be doing what I can to help with this (I’m sure you are already) as my friend had this and she said it ruined her life and she missed out on so many things because of it.

i disagree with you, a baby needs love but a grown up adult needs clear boundaries and to know his actions have consequences.

She is not going to be happy anyway with a person at home behaving like that. How long before the husband cracks and leaves? How long before any siblings get more damaged by seeing abusive behaviour normalised?

Love doesn’t solve bad behaviour, boundaries and consequences do.
The fact that he is keeping a job, saving and managing his budget on his own makes me think that he doesn’t behave as bad away from home, do you know why that happens? Because this young adult knows that such shitty behaviour is not going to be tolerated outside his home.

That sounds very tough for you all. Fwiw I think your parenting instinct is right and he's lucky to have you. I hope you have someone you can offload to though?

The reasons he was rejected from the forces are all things that can be resolved so with some hope for himself and a little self belief he can try again. Sounds like he's suffering from crushing self esteem issues.

Personally I don't think the police is the right environment for him, but you're right that he needs to hold on to something.

All the best op x

I don't agree that a new bed is a Christmas present. It's a necessarily especially as OP says the old single bed is showing its age.

An experience day that you could take him to and spend time with him on could work. There's so many options out there.

It's an issue with the outsourcing of recruitment medicals. Outsourcing the cause of so many of life's issues.

Keep doing what you are doing, loving him. You have about two more years then he'll reset. 21 year olds are a bit more aware of how much you do for them. At 18, not so much.

Does he do online gaming? Steam vouchers for games? Some silly stocking fillers, scratch card, memory stick, grooming stuff, chocolates, apple tags, and cash.

Double bed - it would be very tricky to reject that!

That's exactly why a troubled boy would hate it. A millstone round his neck that says loud and clear " I'm stuck in the family home where I don't want to be, surrounded by THEIR STUFF filling up my space".

recruitment.raf.mod.uk/how-to-apply/eligibility-check

quote
" Eyesight requirements vary for different roles. A requirement to wear glasses or contact lenses may be allowed for aircrew."

Disqualifying factors;

The misuse of drugs, solvents and anabolic steroids can automatically exclude an applicant,"

end quote

Just to cover a few points
Confident he is not on steroids, but at the same time, he wouldn't open up even if I asked. If you knew the full story you'd understand his mood swings - it's shit, but I'm confident it isn't due to steroid use.

His eyesight was due to colour blindness, he wanted to go into something with a strong focus on firearms.

Him working nights is 100% his doing. He says he gets paid more per hour and needs the money to move out - I offered to reduce his rent to us by the difference to get him on days and he said no

An experience is difficult as he won't do anything with us or me. Today us just being in the same room felt like a miracle

@DuchessDandelion my Mum has been a constant support as I offload. She isnt local but is always at the end of the phone.
@GetThatHelmetOn my husband won't leave. He's not perfect, but he's my biggest cheerleader. My daughter however remains a concern but, she was willing to get help and has some fantastic coping mechanisms in place. I am confident she will and can voice when it's getting too much.
His shitty behaviour at home is a problem, but he masks. Imagine going out all day, constantly pretending to be someone you're not, he's masking and it's exhausting for him. It's exhausting for us
We have boundaries.
1 after nights out he must do a drug swab (we had an issue before, it's strictly monitored and we've never had a positive since)
2 any violence he's out and I'm calling the police on him.

I won't lie, there are times I see his Dad in him and I'm terrified, it takes me back and it takes everything I have not to crumble.but if I do, what's his option? He goes to his Dad? Falls in with the wrong crowd?
No way.
I will fight to make damn sure he doesn't go down that path
That is my job as his Mum right now, because in 5 + years time I'm going to be on here offering other Mums words of wisdom and assuring them their son will come out the other end.
Thank you to everyone who has said such things, 21 seems like a magical number!

Sorry but you sound incredibly controlling. Doing drug swabs? You sound suffocating and overbearing. Maybe that’s why he’s so desperate to move out.

You lost me at the drugs testing. Essentially you are asking him to be a reasonable adult but explicitly showing you dont trust him. Something does not add up.

To be clear i said "1 after nights out he must do a drug swab (we had an issue before, it's strictly monitored and we've never had a positive since)"
The key part there is an issue before.
He was hospitalised following an overdose on a night out.
Zero remorse
Came round, told a nurse what he took, then flat out denied it later.
I will not have drugs in my house
I disagree that's an unreasonable boundary when I have his sister in the house to consider

This however really is non negotiable and if that is the part that makes me seem controlling and unreasonable then fine

It reads to me like he is using drugs and this would explain the horrible mood swings which if left unaddressed will only ever get worse as he gets older

Think you're doing brilliantly, op.

You sound like an amazing Mum OP, hoping that all your dedication pays off for you in the near future.

You sound like the wonderful Mum xx

'Like the most' that should read

I'd go with cash so that he could buy things he would like and find useful, and maybe a smartshow 3d video card. There is only so much you can do to reach out, but no gift can make an unhappy person happy. Sorry about that, OP.