Charging Family for Christmas Dinner

[RoachPussy]

My colleague told me yesterday that her sister has invited her for Christmas Day dinner but wants to charge her £20 towards the meal. She can’t believe it and has so far told her she’ll think about it and get back to her Her sister has also invited their mother who isn’t charged and two brothers who are. I can’t imagine charging a guest, especially family, I’d even go so far as telling them to just bring themselves if they asked if I wanted anything bringing. I usually cook Christmas Day but go to family every 3rd year but I don't know if I’d go if they wanted payment from me. Am I out of touch? Is this a common thing to charge family for dinner? I save through the year for Christmas gifts and food but am I the exception? Would you/do you charge and/or pay family?

If I couldn't afford to host I just wouldn't. It's just plain tacky to 'charge' guests you have agreed to host
However it would be as bad mannered for a guest not to offer to contribute towards bringing something for the meal ( food I mean not money) as it would for a host to charge.
This subject comes up every year on MN and people are always equally divided

I think a contribution of food or money sounds sensible. Food is expensive and hosting stressful-every little helps.

i am sorry i couldn't do it. It's just sounds so crass to me. i am like if you can't afford to host don't offer to host then. We often host as we have more room plus mother is not able to do big dinners any more. Xmas day is divided out to people, one does starter, one does dessert, one does drinks and whoever hosting does main meal . To me that's fair . If i was going to someone's house for dinner i wouldn't turn up empty handed, depending on who's house it is, would get nice wine and Choclates or a nice present i would know the host would like. It might be acceptable to some to ask for money but not to me, and if i was asked to pay i would decline. And i have never ever heard it happening outside of Mumsnet world

I messaged my colleague last night and she is still annoyed but I suggested based on everything posted that she asks her sister what she would like her to bring rather than cash. She’s going to do this and thinks her sister will be happy with it. It’ll probably end up costing more than £20 🙄 but if they’re both happy with the arrangements, normal Christmas service would have been resumed.

We have never charged because we don’t need to. However, when we used to go to the mother-in-laws we always popped a cheque for a couple of hundred in the post as she was living on pensions. We’re going to our daughter’s this year and will take a box full of wine, a Turkey, a decent ham and things plus pay for the meal out on Christmas Eve.

Entertaining over Christmas can be very expensive and people chipping in to help with costs seems very fair. Each to give according to ability to pay and each to receive according to their needs and wishes.

I had my fingers burned one year when a relative was supposed to bring the cheese. They turned up on Christmas Day with two bottles of champagne and no cheese as they'd run out of time. The value of the champagne was no doubt more than the cheese but, for a cheese loving family, it was really disappointing. The relative in question seemed genuinely surprised that this causes a bit of a problem and that I didn't have a fridge full of cheese just in case this happened. The fancy crackers, grapes etc looked a bit excessive next to the standard block of cheddar, the half of Stilton and the scrag ends of Boursin.
Since then, I have suggested financial contributions instead as at least I know it's all there!

I don't understand, almost everyone is ok with telling people HOW to spend their money 'you buy the alcohol or you buy the desserts' but almost no one is ok with putting in the money when the items have been bought for them.

This makes no logical sense, plus a lot of the things mentioned will cost the average family the same amount or more, depending on family size, than they are being asked to contribute in cash.

There is no logic in this thought process at all.

Your friend is being unfair in thinking they should not contribute.

Indeed. It is the ludicrous British thing of not discussing money.

I’d agree that in general circumstances, offering to host a meal = you pay, guests do not.

Christmas ‘hosting’ is usually a bit less optional though, and it’s family mostly, so everyone can chip in. So weird to make it all so weird about money. Food and drink costs money. Everyone eats it. Contribute a share or stay at home and eat your own food!

We host Christmas most years, and our families are happy to chip in, either financially or with 'stuff'. My MIL brought the wine selection she'd bought for the day over last week (as she and SIL can't be trusted not to break into it between now and Christmas 😂) and SIL and BIL are both chucking us £50 for their share of the 3 days we'll be hosting. We do most of the planning and execution so it's a lot easier for us to have the money rather than specify what it is we're after. It works well for us; but it might depend on the family dynamic?

We take turns hosting. The 'host' will do the main meal and we all contribute to the cost of the meat as it's expensive. The other guests then bring a dish: one sibling brings starters and the other dessert. We all bring whatever alcohol we want to drink. None of us are made of money and it evens out the cost.

I don't see why we shouldn't split the cost. I wouldn't expect it if it was a general dinner invite through the year. But, I do see Christmas dinner as being different!

We are in Australia. Any invite to eat at someone’s house is immediately answered with “ what can I bring”. It really does save awkwardness, you can say “just bring yourselves” (with the expectation of people bringing booze because nobody would show up empty handed) or, can you bring a salad/dessert/cheese/whatever and they will. Entertaining here is so much easier than England but asking for money would be very socially unacceptable.

people balk at the idea of charging for hosting and while i agree with that in principle, it does tend to be the same people that host every time - whether thats because of location, or size of house or pets or kids etc - and xmas food can run into the 100's if hosting for several days.

We are hosting an extra 5 people for xmas and they will be staying for 3 nights. I like to put on a spread and have everything that people like, lots of drinks etc etc.

I would never ask people for money or set an amount but our families are always very forthcoming with chipping in. It's always gratefully recieved as we have 3 kids so not rolling in it! To be honest I prefer a cash contribution as 1. some people travel to us so dont want to be transport turkeys and delicate puddings etc with them and 2. I like to know that I have everything sorted and ready and not relying on someone else to forget to bring a vital piece of the meal and 3. I do a lot of cooking from scratch so all puddings are home made etc etc.
Plus this year things like putting the electric radiator on in the conservatory where we will eat a bigger table, extra washing/drying of all the bedding and towels, lots more loads of dishwasher etc etc will also add an extra cost to christmas.

But if someone didnt offer to chip in I would never stop them from coming or be off with them. Likewise if we go to someone to stay, at any time We always either get some shopping in, cook some meals, take stuff with us, get a takeaway etc etc.

I find it so amusing that “Betty, your share of Christmas dinner is £30” is somehow dreadful, but “Betty, will you go to the shops and get x, y and z to bring” isn’t.

Its the same thing. Just less hassle for Betty. It’s so funny on here.

From the BBC today 📧

"Retail research firm Assosia analysed the average price of seven products across Tesco, Sainsbury's, Asda, Morrisons and Lidl as well as Aldi click-and-collect.
A basic Christmas dinner for five people - comprising a frozen medium-sized turkey, stuffing balls, Brussels sprouts, roast potatoes, pork chipolatas, onion gravy and mince pies for dessert - will cost £30.03 compared to £24.67 last year."

£20 is a bargain.

As a fellow Aussie, I disagree when it comes to Christmas, often the same person/family becomes the obligatory host year after year, someone bringing the 'nibbles' or soft drinks every year and then freeloading is what is socially unacceptable. Different if your family takes turns hosting of course.

Either split the meal evenly so the contribution is fair or fork out cash to even it up.

This is what I find baffling. I’d punch the air with joy at the opportunity not to have to spend Christmas Eve making a potato dauphinois, or trawl Borough Market for interesting cheeses along with half of the rest of the population of London, and to PayPal over some money to my host instead. I wonder what the venn diagram crossover is between people who think that a food contribution is superior to cash and people who complain that all their “life admin” gets on top of them and they’re exhausted all the time?

I hosted last year. Everybody bought booze, one brought dessert, another did a massive cauliflower cheese. Others brought snacks for the evening. I provided the main meal and I was grateful that everybody was willing to share the cost. Everybody helped me clear up too. I don't think it's unreasonable to share but I wouldn't ask for money. I would, however, not dream of not contributing in some way that takes pressure off the host.

I wouldn't expect to pay cash, but I'd be ok with bringing wine, a pack of pigs in blankets, a dessert or chocolates.

I think it's reasonable to say something along ten lines of. Shall we all put £20 I. Towards the coats of Xmas day.

But don't invite people and expect payment

I can't see the difference, putting £20 towards the costs or giving her £20.

I've done Christmas dinner for the last 37 years, even the year when I was almost 9 months pregnant. It's varied between being DH and our kids, or including their partners and GC, I've also had years in the past with my mother and his mother not to mention siblings and their kids.

I dream of the day someone offers to do it and I'd happily give them the full cost of the meal because currently I pay the full cost of the meal and do the shopping and cooking. Actually I'd probably be happy to pay for it plus something on top just for the hell of it.

That’s what the OP’s family member has done: a month ahead of the actual day she’s asked for a £20 contribution to put towards buying all the food in advance. She isn’t planning to spring a surprise charge in her guests and stand bouncer at her front door on Christmas Day demanding cash or no entry.

It’s so bizarre.

Then again our family also very clearly all said after the third year at ours, when it became clear that our house was the logical choice each year, that they wouldn’t come unless they were allowed to chip in. My late FiL said along the lines of “and actually a fair chip in. Not a bottle of wine and some crisps toward a large bill”.

Id consider it bloody rude to be saying to DH’s aunt “when your flight lands at 2pm on Christmas Eve, don’t forget to dash to the shops for some cheese and wine as your share”. It’s hilarious that that’s somehow ok, but “just chip in £20 and everything will be bought, prepared and ready for your arrival” is rude/dreadful/gauche/numerous other insults on here.

Maybe you should tell them that next year, the best Christmas present you could have is being hosted.

Tell them they can all still gather at yours, but you’d love to put your feet up on the day and in the weeks before so next year they’re in charge of planning, shopping and cooking.

My brother comes to us every Christmas and he always offers me money towards the meal. It just tell him to buy the pudding. I would never invite people to my house though and then charge them for their meal.