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Original poster

stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

343 replies

moanymoan · 26/12/2021 01:31

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 26/12/2021 01:42

Just tell him you feel Ill and want to go home so you have your own bathroom and don’t infect any of the elderly rellies . Next time he suggests staying at his parents make sure he’s a) not working and b) it’s a one night stay .

MerryChristmas21 · 26/12/2021 01:50

What's stopping you taking the kids for walk and finding a playground?

Tell DH it's Boxing Day, you're there to visit HIS family and you have small kids! He needs to stop hiding in the bedroom & you need to go home tomorrow at the kids bedtime (they can sleep in the car).

He's a selfish twat,

RosesAndHellebores · 26/12/2021 02:53

Why don't you drive? Why don't you go for a walk or say you'd like to feed the baby in front of the TV?

letmeeatcrisps · 26/12/2021 03:34

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc
“Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

MyOtherProfile · 26/12/2021 03:45

Why is he working on Christmas? I bet he's not getting paid for it. He needs to stop and have some family time. I suspect he is not an emergency service.

pollygartertidywife · 26/12/2021 04:01

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)
I think it is because having one person of a couple driving feels both very selfish. (The 'driver' never gets to be the one who can have a drink. Always has to go pick up the kids, go out for milk etc) as well as sounding - well tbh a little bit like a 1950s housewife - where driving is regarded as something the man does. Personally I can absolutely understand why people don't drive if they live in a big city with great transport links .. but am surprised when women - who live rurally or who have cause to visit family who live rurally haven't learned or at least started to learn within a very short time of leaving a city. Especially if there is a car already in the household. It cost relatively little to buy L plates , organise a couple of lessons and have your partner sit next to you while you practice. 'Relying' on a partner for your transportation is a pretty unequal power balance that can be used to your disadvantage so easily as the OP is finding. .. and in other cases where abuse features , a very dangerous power imbalance.
unexpectedthird · 26/12/2021 04:20

It costs an astonishing amount to 'have a couple of lessons'. Plus there is a huge backlog following covid. This really isn't what the OP needs to be focusing on just now. It doesn't help their situation, sure, but it's no help at all to talk shite about how easy it would be to do.

Tabbacus · 26/12/2021 04:25

Go for a walk?

clairethewitch70 · 26/12/2021 04:31

I live rurally and I have a full driving license but can no longer drive due to my medication and medical issues and now rely on my husband to drive me everywhere. Which he doesn’t mind because we are partners and help each other out. He hates cooking so I do it. And we share the cleaning. We do what works for us.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 26/12/2021 04:57

OP I am so sorry that you are in this position, but for now all I can say is, can you as others have suggested, take your children for a walk, and if in a town maybe find a playground, or in the country have a nice shortish walk with them? You could talk about any animals you may see, any trees without leaves, whilst maybe explaining things like why some trees lose their leaves in the Autumn, but others don't (it doesn't matter if your baby doesn't understand words yet, if they see you smiling and pointing at things, and maybe if you let them feel a crunched up dried out leaf, etc they should still enjoy themselves.). It also doesn't matter if it is raining (I don't mean torrential downpours), if you are all wrapped up warmly, and wearing waterproofs, you can still make it a fun walk. Although I would advise only a shortish walk, because if one of them becomes cold, tired, or hungry, a short walk home is much more preferable than the alternative - but I still think that even getting some fresh sir and a change of scenery for a short time can be beneficial.

Also, could you leave the Grandparents downstairs babysitting while you have a nap for a couple of hours in your bedroom? If your husband is working in the bedroom then send him packing, he can work somewhere else in the house. As for said husband, he is treating you really unfairly, so could you tell him that if he ever wants you, and/or the children, to go away overnight with him ever again, then he must not bring his work with him, but he must pull his weight in regards to equally sharing the child caring with you.

Lastly, like others have already said, tell him you are all going home today, as you feel weak and exhausted. I am sending you a big hug, my best wishes, and my prayers for you that your life gets much better, and very quickly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2021 05:12

Omg your dh sounds like an inconsiderate sod. Young children need to be worn out and stimulated to sleep well. How well does he even know your kids? Littlies have massive fun jumping in puddles, so I agree with going for a walk. And never, ever agreeing to going to see his family for such a lengthy period again. Can you tell him this so he acts? Alternatively, you could get a taxi home. Or can he take you home and return to his family for a while?

Autumnscene · 26/12/2021 06:58

This used to be me op, so i know how you feel. i would go for a long walk and call a friend whilst i was out ! mil also was in a very rural place but there were a couple of small playgrounds. It sucks i know.

GoodnightGrandma · 26/12/2021 07:01

GO HOME.
And don’t do this next year, say now that you are staying at home next Christmas.

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2021 07:07

Some of these answers are scarey. The op will have known her husband had to work before going and personally I wouldn’t want to go walking round a park in the pissing rain either.

Op take some personal responsibility, you don’t need your husband to do everything with you, go for a walk if you’re happy to be outside in the rain, if you can’t express and leave a bottle for baby, then take the baby with you, there’s no need for you to feel cooped up.

2catsandhappy · 26/12/2021 07:08

What are the taxi services like?
Baby could be picking up your unsettled vibe. Big girl pants on and organise getting home. Make any excuse you like. Dh has not got your back and you must carry on as if he(literaly) was not there.

Wiredforsound · 26/12/2021 07:19

If your DH knew he had to work he shouldn’t have dragged you to your in-laws and expected you to play the guest while he gets to clear off for three days. That’s very unfair. They’re his parents, not yours, and he should be leading the legwork with them. Can you get him to at least drop you somewhere or get his parents to drop you somewhere and pick you up a few hours later. At least then you won’t be stuck in the house.

rookiemere · 26/12/2021 07:26

It's not fair to expect young DCs to stay indoors for a full day, even if it is raining. Is there anything within walking distance, or could your DH at least take you all there and then pick you up in an hour or so ?

HandScreen · 26/12/2021 07:29

Go for a walk. Problem solved.

CheshireKitten123 · 26/12/2021 07:36

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)
This is reason why everyone should learn to drive.

I live in a rural area where the bus service is non-existent and many of the older retired people don't drive because;
a) they didn't need to in the area they used to live in and haven't bothered since or
b) their spouse always drives/drove.

Now those that have lost their partners are basically stuffed

OP you need to take driving lessons in case of an emergency. What is one of your DCs was taken ill and you couldn't get hold of you DH?

Why not make it a New Year resolution?

Hollywolly1 · 26/12/2021 07:36

Your husband needs to take you home to be fair and go back himself to work in their bedroom if he wants,its your Christmas to

reallyworriedjobhunter · 26/12/2021 07:44

Hi op, I feel you.

Agree with others to try and get out and about. Or to head home later today.

But do make yourself at home a bit more. Make an excuse to leave the table, stick the TV on etc. Most people want guests to feel comfortable and have a nice time so just say 'There is this thing we want to watch so I'm going to put the TV on for a bit if that's ok'.

For next time, just stay for one night and tell DH that you won't go unless he is able to help with the kids.

BertieBotts · 26/12/2021 07:48

It's not always as simple as just taking a few lessons and you'll be fine! I failed four driving tests, it was humiliating and incredibly expensive. I would love to be able to drive but have to accept I probably wouldn't be a very safe driver! Blush

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 26/12/2021 07:49

Yeah what a useless comment to make when poor OP is struggling! My mum has never driven my entire life and I always felt so awful for her when people would probe as to why. Like there was something wrong with her. I could tell she would feel embarrassed. Not everyone has to know how to drive. So dumb.

rookiemere · 26/12/2021 07:51

Any post that involves not driving seems to turn into a lecture about it, whereas this seems wider than that.
Even if OP could drive she'd be in a situation where she is with ILs and her DH is effectively refusing to take any responsibility for parenting his own DCs.
He may be busy with work, but surely it would be a priority to take young DCs out for an hour or so during the day on what is meant to be family holiday time, even if it's not sunny.

zafferana · 26/12/2021 07:55

When are you going home OP? The forecast today is rotten and a walking around a country park with a breastfed baby in the pouring rain sounds ghastly. Personally, I'd go home. I have a limit on visits to parents - it's 48 hours!