stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

[moanymoan]

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

Why did you agree to Christmas there, and not in your own home, with young children and husband working. Go home, tell your husband you’re done now and want to go home today! And have Christmas in your own home in future! Unless you like being houseguest, and it sounds like you don’t, there’s no need to do that at Christmas!

@BertieBotts

It's not always as simple as just taking a few lessons and you'll be fine! I failed four driving tests, it was humiliating and incredibly expensive. I would love to be able to drive but have to accept I probably wouldn't be a very safe driver!

I also failed four tests and passed on my 5th. Sounds like you've come so far, so don't give up hope!

OP, put your foot down. You want to go home and I don't blame you, ask DH to drive you or book a cab.

When you have children you should be responsible enough to give a shit about the earth they live on, the society they grow up in and work hard for the abolition of driving. This kind of selfish individualism, the idea we should drive around on our own, to far away places because we want to, needs to go.

I am sure growing up in our society with a non driving parent is tough because we have built a society around driving. Kids whose parents don’t drive are socially isolated because of society not because of their parents.

What you are basically saying is a. Nobody with a disability that precludes driving should have kids (you think blind people or those with epilepsy shouldn’t have kids for example) which is such blatant disablism I can’t quite believe you said it

B. That anyone who can’t drive including people with such disabilities/very elderly people/young people who are not yet old enough to drive but whose parents happen to be unavailable should just be socially isolated and suck it up. If that isn’t selfish, I don’t know what is. I certainly wouldn’t want to be part of a society that thinks it’s vulnerable are unimportant.

The truth is if you drive I understand, it’s hard not too (though please take your kids on buses and trains too, it is social deprivation for a child not to experience public transport) but the ultimate goal should be to build a society where it is unnecessary to drive and most people don’t even if they can!

Given the standard most drivers seem to manage, we need less of them, not more. And saying that if you can't drive, you shouldn't have children, is absolutely an idiotic statement.

But to answer the OPs actual question,

I bet that all the people shocked at someone not driving are regularly angered and annoyed by bad drivers on the road. Some of us have been in accidents or lost loved ones due to bad drivers. Driving is a huge driver of pollution, and as per a pp, loss of local services especially for young people, poorer people and the vulnerable.
There is plenty to show that neurodivergent people are far less likely to end up with licences, due to issues in either passing the test or getting in a car at all.

Yet nevertheless, people on these posts always insist that everyone has to drive. It's dangerous, bad for the environment and also frankly unhelpful for OP.

I'd at least turn the TV on and tell them you need to relax with the baby...

@Hoowhoowho

When you have children you should be responsible enough to give a shit about the earth they live on, the society they grow up in and work hard for the abolition of driving. This kind of selfish individualism, the idea we should drive around on our own, to far away places because we want to, needs to go.

I am sure growing up in our society with a non driving parent is tough because we have built a society around driving. Kids whose parents don’t drive are socially isolated because of society not because of their parents.

What you are basically saying is a. Nobody with a disability that precludes driving should have kids (you think blind people or those with epilepsy shouldn’t have kids for example) which is such blatant disablism I can’t quite believe you said it

B. That anyone who can’t drive including people with such disabilities/very elderly people/young people who are not yet old enough to drive but whose parents happen to be unavailable should just be socially isolated and suck it up. If that isn’t selfish, I don’t know what is. I certainly wouldn’t want to be part of a society that thinks it’s vulnerable are unimportant.

The truth is if you drive I understand, it’s hard not too (though please take your kids on buses and trains too, it is social deprivation for a child not to experience public transport) but the ultimate goal should be to build a society where it is unnecessary to drive and most people don’t even if they can!

Your comment is so ridiculous I don't knnow where to start. Not taking public transport doesn't make a child isolated. Public transport is very isolating for those with disabilities, hence even more reason why family who can drive is important. Driving is being an adult. It's about personal responsibility. It's about inclusiveness. Not driving is neglectful, selfish, irresponsible and isolates the most vulnerable in society.

I passed my driving test at 39 and it’s the BEST THING I EVER DID.

No longer am I restricted by other people’s agendas. Go where I want, when I want.

I’d be very pissed off at your dh if I were you. I’d be screaming to get out and have a couple of hours out of the pressure of being a guest at my in-laws.

You go into the bedroom, you say it’s your parents house, we are here for Christmas and visiting them. You refuse to even go to the park, I’m going insane, it’s my turn to hole up in the bedroom, you go talk with your parents, if you leave the house to video a walk or to the park without inviting me I’m catching a taxi home tomorrow. You are ticking every box right now on the ‘how to make very sure my wife refuses to visit my parents ever again because I am no support whatsoever’

I didn't hurl anything @ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs. I just said it was an idiotic statement that if you can't afford driving lessons, you can't afford children. As if that's how people decide to have children. As if people's circumstances don't change. As if we've not been living through a pandemic with redundancies, furlough etc. I'll repeat myself - for many, many families the priority is to survive, not to have driving lessons (and then have a car).

I work in an area of multiple deprivation. Families are suffering so much at the moment that work organised food parcels and presents to families in need last week. Can you imagine relying on goodwill to be able to eat?

Any, it's Boxing Day. I'm off to do lovely things with my family (as I'm very lucky to afford heating and food and housing). I hope OP has a lovely day too.

Video = go for

@MyOtherProfile

Why is he working on Christmas? I bet he's not getting paid for it. He needs to stop and have some family time. I suspect he is not an emergency service.

Jeez don’t be so ditsy - Maybe because lots of jobs involve unpaid overtime and/or he has his own business, which is presumably the family’s source of income. 🙄

Sorry you are stuck OP and I hope you can get out for a couple of walks today.

It just sounds like the trip wasn’t very well thought through. 3 days is rather long to be stuck with in laws while breastfeeding when you can’t relax - especially if your husband is working.

No one’s fault, but either skip it for a few years when they are little or limit to one night. I expect your husband didn’t plan to work, but as a principle be clear with him going forward that when you are with his family he needs to be around. (And maybe fake illness and cancel if another unexpected deadline occurs.)

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs Public transport is very isolating for those with disabilities, hence even more reason why family who can drive is important. Driving is being an adult. It's about personal responsibility. It's about inclusiveness. Not driving is neglectful, selfish, irresponsible and isolates the most vulnerable in society.

It's really hilarious that you think that 'the most vulnerable in society' have family members who (a) are able to drive them around at will and (b) can afford cars. MN privilege strikes again...

Getting off the topic of driving, the OP's husband is selfish and is leaving her to deal with his parents and with the children. He is ducking out of family life and ignoring her needs. She needs to tell him that his selfishness is not on, that she has needs and as the mother of his children and with a newborn it is unfair he isn't considering her needs. He is selfish and antisocial and needs to be called out for it. I would demand he take you home OP. After all, he can work just as well at his own home as he can at his parents.

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

You still haven't answered the question though . Why don't you now ?You obviously need to .

[quote OverTheRubicon]**@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs* Public transport is very isolating for those with disabilities, hence even more reason why family who can drive is important. Driving is being an adult. It's about personal responsibility. It's about inclusiveness. Not driving is neglectful, selfish, irresponsible and isolates the most vulnerable in society.*

It's really hilarious that you think that 'the most vulnerable in society' have family members who (a) are able to drive them around at will and (b) can afford cars. MN privilege strikes again...[/quote]
Newsflash, but in most first world western countries (excluding the UK, apparently), most families do have at least one car.....

It must be hell, I'd have absolutely refused to go.
Why do people insist on staying with others at christmas I hate it and never ever do it. i might go to my DS if we're all in the mood but I certainly do not overstay my welcome.
This year we all decided to stay at home because we can't be bothered with any of it and it's good we can talk to each other like that.

But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining.

Oh, is parental responsibility weather-related?

FFS OP whatever the outcome you need to learn to drive.
Bad enough to be dependent on someone else for mobility - even worse when it's a selfish twat who considers his own minor convenience ahead of his wife & DC's needs.

@R0tational

Nice thread about driving. Poor OP

Yes indeed. Learning to drive is expensive, running a car is expensive and its not a "life skill" like CPR for pity's sake. Its very useful if you live outside a city and lack access to public transport. In cities its not only non essential but running a car you scarcely use is an expensive elective activity, especially when you are paying the fees and insurance for on street parking.

As for why did the OP agree? Well at that point they had a day out planned on boxing day and DH wasn't going to be working all over Christmas and the OP was compromising other areas to visit family over Christmas.

OP: If DH has to work then what stops him or the in-laws dropping you and the DC off at the country park or somewhere a bit closer for a few hours and then picking you later?

So agree with you AbandonedCharacter

Meanwhile ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs Neither of my adult daughters can drive - they don't own the latest electronic gadget/iphone etc but the lessons are too expensive for them. Neither has been on a break let alone holiday for years, one is saving to buy a home, that has priority on being able to drive, and the other has been the main breadwinner since her husband was made redundant.

Meanwhile OP, my sympathies for your situation and even just going for a walk around the block, can help, even if it's raining, in my epxerience.

@C8H10N4O2 You're talking nonsense. Even in Sydney which is a big city, it is expected you get your licence. Just as it's expected you get a job and pay taxes. Living in a big city (perhaps apart from NYC and even then they like Sydney and I would imagine London have multi-level carparks for block of flats) is no excuse not to get your licence and drive a car. What nonsense.

This thread just inspired me to book an intensive driving course!

MNHQ I suggest you take this thread down now. It's got really nasty and isn't helping the OP.

@Hoowhoowho

Why don’t you drive?

I’m a socially responsible individual who supports the local public transport services and believes in preserving the environment for our ancestors.

The rise in the number of people who drive has reduced local services, increased social isolation especially for the vulnerable, decimated public transport, ruined small business, increased pollution, increased childhood and adult obesity, put other road users at risk and this is just the beginning….. Driving is a social menace. The OP is a victim of the driving culture. Bus services would not be closed on Boxing Day in a world where driving was not the norm.

So while I understand while most people learn to drive in our culture which has already given into the cult of the car. Not driving is a social disadvantage, we should really be questioning why we are not working harder to make it the norm not to drive when the negative impact on society is so great.

Your ancestors were busy with horse and cart and aiming for a better life with railways and other means of transport .

@sunshinesupermum not for you to say, OP will ask if she wants it removed