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Original poster

stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

343 replies

moanymoan · 26/12/2021 01:31

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

OP posts:
Overthinkingx3 · 27/12/2021 20:27

So sorry it’s been tough
Glad it’s getting better
Sorry for all the horrible messages here

Glad you can still see the kindness of your In Laws and your husband is not a selfish git for taking on extra work to support you all
Totally understand the driving . I made myself after my youngest was born - it took me a long long long time and a lot of expense
But I am glad now

So glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel

Hope your new year is good ! Have a great 2022 Unknown OP

Original poster
Moanymoan · 27/12/2021 20:32

OP - with the bathroom / eating stuff, is this because you've been expressly told to wait to eat - if so that's mental - or you just feel awkward going ahead and doing it? I used to feel like this at my in laws but over time I've learned they couldn't care less if I fancy a snack at 2pm, or whatever. I hope things improve soon.

Thanks @falalalalalalablahblah

They eat meals very differently from me. We always eat dinner at the table at home, so that's not the problem. The issue is that all meals are eaten together at the table, so I'm working on someone else's timetable. Meals are lovingly prepared so I feel bad about having snacks. And they like to sit at the table for ages, which makes me jiterry! I find this quite stressful for several days.

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 27/12/2021 20:34

@Moanymoan

I had no idea that there would be such a massive debate about driving 🙈

Should I also point out that parents in law have no bathroom bin, and no bath just a shower Grin

@moanymoan

You should have thought about this before you had kids and didn’t go to plumbing school so you could have fitted a bath in for the kids 😅😅😅

I mean who has kids and can’t do basic plumbing. Tut Tut.

Riv · 27/12/2021 20:37

Just to go back to the comments from earlier about “in our day…” my comeback was always “but in your day infant mortality rates were much higher” it usually took two or three mentions but did stop them eventually. (Other comments can include “but in your day you could afford to live on one wage” and, in a kindly voice “I know, it must have been a nightmare for you, fortunately we know a lot more about child development today “

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 20:41

Should I also point out that parents in law have no bathroom bin

To be fair we didn't have one until DD started her peiods as we had no need for one.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 27/12/2021 20:49

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Mummyoflittledragon The test is very hard to pass in Australia, you need to show proof you've had 200 hours of practice, for one, and the physical test is quite detailed. BUT we still do it because it is EXPECTED of us. And, many of us pass on the first go. 😂😂[/quote]
Ah, come on, the Australian driving test is way easier to pass than the UK one. I'm amazed you think it's hard. Have you ever actually been to the UK? I haven't driven around the UK in about 6 years but I can't imagine it's gotten any easier. You can barely move in the cities because there are so many cars rammed on to to the tiny old roads. It's much, much harder than driving around all the new, spacious roads we have over here in Australia.

Although I do think it's good that we make new drivers do a year of P plates. I think more countries should adopt this idea.

Original poster
Moanymoan · 27/12/2021 21:25

@Overthinkingx3

So sorry it’s been tough Glad it’s getting better Sorry for all the horrible messages here

Glad you can still see the kindness of your In Laws and your husband is not a selfish git for taking on extra work to support you all
Totally understand the driving . I made myself after my youngest was born - it took me a long long long time and a lot of expense
But I am glad now

So glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel

Hope your new year is good ! Have a great 2022 Unknown OP

Thank you. Yes in laws are lovely and not at all selfish. I'd say dh is being thoughtless rather than selfish.
OP posts:
Lickedmylollyandneversaidsorry · 27/12/2021 22:26

@stayingaliveisawayoflife

I have dyspraxia. Believe me you don't want me in the drivers seat of a car. I tried and it didn't work.
Try having ADHD and dyspraxia! Trust me I feel your pain lol. 🙈🙈
Mrspup · 27/12/2021 22:55

I'm in a very similar situation. I do drive but we live 6+ hours away. Dh has to work from 27th because most non UK financial markets are open. I also do not like how mealtimes are done...sitting around ages, very heavy food & have to have 4 meals a day. I don't like the food & my dc don't like the food. I can't really get my dc out of the house because my dd gets really bad hives in the cold. My dc constantly complaining they want to go home. I don't sleep well here & I hate constantly getting comments about how our children should be raised & drinking a glass & a half of wine per night is too much. I just want to get back to my nice detached house that is worth 7 times as much as where we are staying now& open a bottle of red & turn my TV on. The worst thing is I hate the fact that Xmas is completely ruined. I actually went to my room & cried on Xmas morning.

Lifeisnteasy · 27/12/2021 23:15

I just want to get back to my nice detached house that is worth 7 times as much as where we are staying now

I was with you up until this bit Confused

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 23:18

So was I @Lifeisnteasy

CriminalOrator · 27/12/2021 23:41

Why don’t you drive?
Why can’t you express milk?
Why are you allowing your husband to absent himself?
Why haven’t you accessed the plentiful mental health support on the NHS?
Why are you so selfish?

Another fucked up thread. Confused

Overthinkingx3 · 27/12/2021 23:50

Same !

antisocialsocialclub · 27/12/2021 23:51

@CriminalOrator

Why don’t you drive? Why can’t you express milk? Why are you allowing your husband to absent himself? Why haven’t you accessed the plentiful mental health support on the NHS? Why are you so selfish?

Another fucked up thread. Confused

Yup
TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine · 27/12/2021 23:59

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@RampantIvy It's to make the city liveable. Not just for carparks, but better houses and block of flats that also have a level carpark. Many other cities manage it and value liveability and moving with the times over dirty ugly buildings that are no longer fit for purpose. Hmm[/quote]
Are you having a laugh? London has an incredibly high population density, so many cars on the roads that the average traffic speed (below 9mph) is LESS than when traffic was all horses and carts, and when new blocks of flats are built they rarely include parking. If buildings were to be knocked down to make room for car parks, which would you suggest? Presumably not people’s homes (as where would they live and who would pay), so what? You clearly have no respect for historical buildings, so maybe you think Shakespeare’s Globe should be flattened to make space for a multi story car park? Or perhaps Buck House?!

Mrspup · 28/12/2021 00:22

My in laws have a house in the country side which is obviously worth a lot less than what we worked so hard to pay for down south. The reason why the value is relevant is because the in laws obviously do not like our career choices or life style or the way we are bringing up our children. I miss my expensive house because it's our life, our career, our dc. It's everything that is not with our in laws. Yes I do think if they had a more similar house to ours things might be different. They might understand why 1 might not want to do a 9 to 5 job, my FIL might have been able to do some sort of cooking & they might be able to understand I'm not a bad mother/ wife because their son also does some cooking & they might not think that I was on mat leave so I should be the sole person to put our dc to bed get our dc back to sleep at night. I think I'm being shamed by both my in laws & some of you because of our life style choices. I'm not ashamed to say I'm looking forward to going back to my life style down south & the expensive house we have worked really really hard for.

BookFiend4Life · 28/12/2021 00:24

Glad you talked to your partner OP. This thread got crazy huh? A children's museum is a great way to wile away some inside hours if you've got one nearby when you get back home! Soft play and pizza sound fun too :)

Dibbydoos · 28/12/2021 02:31

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)
That was my response too!

I learnt to drive after I left London in my 20's. If I'd stayed in London I might not have bothered!

To answer OPS question though, I'd def talk to DH about going home. Irrespective of the outcome of that conversation, pack your stuff up and go home. Leave one child with DH if he won't go home with you.

I personally think your DH is behaving selfishly. I have deadlines but I'm not back until 4th and having lost friends at work in accidents and my hubby to MRSA, honestly, work will still be there when you die. There's a lot yo be said about living today like it was your last day. Really changes your perspective on whats important.

Sometimes, we think we're important and tgats why we work in our own time, we're not. We're all dispensable. Work to live. Help him get a grip x

Cissyandflora · 28/12/2021 03:14

@THisbackwithavengeance

See if MIL fancies a trip to the Sales? Wrap up warm, baby in a sling. There will be a Costa open for plenty of breastfeeding breaks and coffee and cake.

Make the best of a situation and spend time with family rather than sulking or stropping off home as recommended on here.

Listen to this person. Wise words.

And I will add- lay off the husband bashing. He’s working. It doesn’t make him selfish. We don’t know him.

rookiemere · 28/12/2021 07:59

@Cissyandflora if you'd read the OPs updates ( funnel button RHS) you'd see that the issue has already been resolved, and OP and MIL would have been unable to go to the shops because they're staying away from other people to protect an elderly relative.

Hesma · 28/12/2021 08:09

Stick the baby in the pram and go for a walk… simple

Overthinkingx3 · 28/12/2021 10:27

Ask anyone in london
They may drive and they may occasionally find a permit space or free parking near their home … but in the day they do … they never move the car again !!! Our locality was like this - and people had cars for a variety of reasons , but it just became too tricky to park, so we only used it for the few days we had to

nanbread · 28/12/2021 10:43

OP not relevant to your current situation, but I suggest Havening to overcome your fear of driving.

Obviously it costs money but so does learning to drive!

Stirling2701 · 28/12/2021 11:52

I fully empathise with you, and besides not everybody drives - it is not mandatory. I am with you all the way.

Camesawandwasdisgusted · 28/12/2021 11:56

Haven’t been on MN for years but came to check it out this morning for something to do and realised that some of the comments here are the very reason I left in the first place.

And @ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs has only confirmed all my views about Aussies (EVERYTHING and EVERYONE is better and more superior in Oz dontcha know). I’m pretty sure he/she is just a wind up merchant as no-one actually normal could be so utterly relentless churning out provocative sh*t unless it wasn’t deliberate. Maybe they need some good sex?!