Page 3 | stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

Joystir59 · 26/12/2021 08:52

@moanymoan

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

I think you would feel much better if you wrap up warm and waterproof, and go out for a walk for an hour or two. Just get out of the house under your own steam with the baby. I guarantee your mood will shift and you will gain a sense of being in control again and not cooped up.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 26/12/2021 08:59

@stayingaliveisawayoflife

I have dyspraxia. Believe me you don't want me in the drivers seat of a car. I tried and it didn't work.

@stayingaliveisawayoflife I know 2 people with dyspraxia, both have their licences, one is a long haul truck driver, delivering to/from a major national supermarket. It's really no excuse not to drive and it doesn't prevent you from driving any more than being dyslexic prevents you from driving.

Itstheprinciple · 26/12/2021 09:03

Do your in laws drive? Would they take you out somewhere?

pollygartertidywife · 26/12/2021 09:07

@BertieBotts

It's not always as simple as just taking a few lessons and you'll be fine! I failed four driving tests, it was humiliating and incredibly expensive. I would love to be able to drive but have to accept I probably wouldn't be a very safe driver!

You can always give it a try ! The amount of women on here who seem to consider driving some mysterious skill bestowed upon those who have a penis - is truly shocking.

Yes of course there are people who have disabilities such as epilepsy where it can be a something that precludes it. However since meeting my neighbour who is wheelchair bound with one very short arm - get in her adapted car every morning and drive to work - the limits to what is possible are few and far between.

Even my step son who spent his secondary education at a special school for those with the more severe diagnosis of Autism- has finally passed his test after swapping to an automatic car license.

As for the cost ? It's about priority. Most people have a laptop or 2 in the house. A couple of iPhones./IPads. Driving is a life skill forever and costs less than one of them... and can be paid for a bit at a time. Requested for birthdays or Christmas...

itsgettingweird · 26/12/2021 09:08

@stayingaliveisawayoflife I know 2 people with dyspraxia, both have their licences, one is a long haul truck driver, delivering to/from a major national supermarket. It's really no excuse not to drive and it doesn't prevent you from driving any more than being dyslexic prevents you from driving.*

Such ignorance like any neuro divergence it's a spectrum and affects people differently.

Tell DH that either he takes you and the children out somewhere for a few hours or you are catching a taxi and going anyway. I often find when their laziness will cost them financially they change their minds.

Then when home have an open conversation about equality in the relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2021 09:08

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs

Symptoms are wide ranging and manifest differently in separate individuals. Your post is so patronising. dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

SamhainToImbolc · 26/12/2021 09:10

@clairethewitch70

I live rurally and I have a full driving license but can no longer drive due to my medication and medical issues and now rely on my husband to drive me everywhere. Which he doesn’t mind because we are partners and help each other out. He hates cooking so I do it. And we share the cleaning. We do what works for us.

That's pretty much our lives too. I've got very poor eyesight now, very strong glasses, am still allowed to drive (legally), but have good eyesight days and bad ones meaning DH finds it easier (and prefers) to do the driving.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2021 09:11

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs

It's a disgrace that Driver's Ed isn't taught in UK schools. It should be compulsory as it is everywhere else. And sure, it costs money to learn, but it is a vital skill. It costs 'thousands' to go to work, we pay thousands in taxes, but we are still expected to earn a living. Some things you do because you are expected to do them, like driving in my country. Apart from a medical reason, it is extremely rare for anyone not wanting to or being able to drive. It's like paying taxes, it's expected and you learn because you're expected to. It's especially considered irresponsible to have kids but not be able to drive where I am.

I’ve read all your posts. You’re really embarrassing yourself. Such ignorance.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 26/12/2021 09:11

@pollygartertidywife *Yes of course there are people who have disabilities such as epilepsy where it can be a something that precludes it. However since meeting my neighbour who is wheelchair bound with one very short arm - get in her adapted car every morning and drive to work - the limits to what is possible are few and far between.

Even my step son who spent his secondary education at a special school for those with the more severe diagnosis of Autism- has finally passed his test after swapping to an automatic car license.

As for the cost ? It's about priority. Most people have a laptop or 2 in the house. A couple of iPhones./IPads. Driving is a life skill forever and costs less than one of them*
👏👏👏

Wilkolampshade · 26/12/2021 09:12

JFC, the OP's hardly going to learn and pass her test in the next 24 hrs is she? FS.
OP, yes, go for a walk. Or as PP said, maybe see if PiL are off out anywhere and ask to tag along.
Definitely just ask for a couple of things to make life more comfy. I'd just say, "DPiL, would you mind if I just put the telly on for a bit? Baby's being a bit hard to settle and I think the background noise would sooth her a bit." Long dinners at the table just say, "oh that was delicious, thank you, LO's getting a bit scratchy though, I'm just going to go and settle them down. Please carry on and don't wait.".... At this point I might 'fall asleep' with the small ones and not re-emerge.....

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 26/12/2021 09:12

@Mummyoflittledragon You're the one who is really embarrassing yourself out of ignorance, not me.

pollygartertidywife · 26/12/2021 09:15

.... and no - asking why she doesn't drive is NOT an irrelevant question. !

It won't help her immediately but is the single most practical thing she can do to prevent being in this position again. No woman should be in a position where she has to beg her husband to do something when there is the possibility he will refuse.

It allows a really unhealthy power dynamic to develop . Just as it has here. The power is with her H who is saying 'no' .. she shouldn't even be in that situation. Should just be able to take the car keys and say 'I'm taking the kids out' and be gone. No begging or relying upon required .

SnotZinwords · 26/12/2021 09:16

OP I completely sympathise with you. When we visit my DH’s husband we have a very similar scenario. No suggestion of ever going outdoors but rather the preference is for sitting around all fay drinking endless cups of tea. I naturally like to go out so I find it hard, especially at Christmas. When my DC were very young I found it incredibly hard but now that they are older things have improved because a) quite often I will suggest I “help” by popping to the local shop for any provisions whilst MIL looks after the children (win win!) and b) having recently discovered a nearby playground I always make a point of saying the children should really get some fresh aid and that I will take them - I always pack wet weather suits!

The other thing to remember is it’s really not forever. I absolutely get how you feel, it’s awful to spend Christmas in a house where they do it differently but it’s just one year and possibly mention to your DH how next year you would like to have a more telaxing Christmas at home.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/12/2021 09:17

Well you know what to say next year when this is suggested don't you.
Tbh I'm sick of men using work as a get out for family life . I'm a single mum what works full time and i managed not to disappear to my home office yesterday .
Sorry op but your husband is using you to entertain his elderly relatives because he doesn't want to.
There's no way i would have isolated my small kids beforehand either.
My god posts like this make me so grateful i left my ex

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 26/12/2021 09:17

@pollygartertidywife

.... and no - asking why she doesn't drive is NOT an irrelevant question. !

It won't help her immediately but is the single most practical thing she can do to prevent being in this position again. No woman should be in a position where she has to beg her husband to do something when there is the possibility he will refuse.

It allows a really unhealthy power dynamic to develop . Just as it has here. The power is with her H who is saying 'no' .. she shouldn't even be in that situation. Should just be able to take the car keys and say 'I'm taking the kids out' and be gone. No begging or relying upon required .

Glad to see someone on here speaking sense amongst the waffle of excuses and ignorance. Thank you for your comments, and the person in the wheel chair with one arm surely puts some of these people on here to shame.

Onlinedilema · 26/12/2021 09:18

Wow what a crazy thread.
Op if I were you I'd go for a brief walk.
Tell your dh that it is not on him working whilst you are at his parents house.
Next year say you are not going for more than one night and not at all if he is going to piss off and leave all the grunt work to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2021 09:19

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Mummyoflittledragon You're the one who is really embarrassing yourself out of ignorance, not me.[/quote]
Funnily enough, it’s not me, who has people challenging their comments. But hey ho.

Wiredforsound · 26/12/2021 09:21

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs

Asking why she doesn't drive is a valid question, especially as she is a parent responsible for children. So stop whingeing about us asking such a valid question.

It’s utterly pointless as it doesn’t address the OP’s question. It’s not like she can rush out and learn to drive this morning so she take the kids out in the afternoon. It doesn’t help her now, when she actually needs help. And there are lots of reasons why she may not want/cannot learn to drive, such as a disability, anxiety, can’t reach the pedals, poor eyesight, husband won’t allow her, can’t afford it, etc. etc. None of which is anybody's business but the OP’s. It might be on the list of things to do, but it doesn’t help now. What can she actually do now? That’s the whole point of the post, not to be given a lecture or interrogated on not driving.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 26/12/2021 09:21

@Mummyoflittledragon of course lazy people with a similar mindset won't challenge your mindset. Hey ho....

LubaLuca · 26/12/2021 09:23

I know it's been said plenty of times here, but your only option for a break is to go for a walk. I've never stayed anywhere that I wouldn't have been able to have a little walk out from. It doesn't matter if it's brief and uninspiring, it's a break from the house that you're not comfortable in.

sunshinesupermum · 26/12/2021 09:23

All those people insisting OP learns to drive don't appreciate the cost of learning and also of running a second car if needed.

underneaththeash · 26/12/2021 09:25

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

The learn to drive! If you can't drive it's bloody stupid moving somewhere rural. Either learn to drive first or don't move there.

Goldbar · 26/12/2021 09:25

I'm sorry to contribute to the derailing of this thread but driving is dangerous. Those who feel they cannot drive safely (which includes me in heavy urban traffic) should not do so. They should certainly not 'give it a go'. Anyone driving must be confident they can ensure the safety of their passengers in the car and everyone else round about them.

Where we live, there are large numbers of cyclists, motorbikes, blind turns, weird and wonderful roundabout systems, buses, heavy goods vehicles and pedestrians running out in traffic. And it is incredibly busy. I don't have the sort of brain which can compute fifty hazards in a split second while my DC is screaming in the back seat and so, after narrowly avoiding hitting a cyclist after swerving when a bus pulled out into me, I now refuse to drive except in quieter areas where I know the road well. It is an inconvenience but my right to convenience does not trump the right to safety of those around me.

LadyGAgain · 26/12/2021 09:26

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

So now you need to. Any reason why you can't learn? Totally understand people with city lives, decent transport links but by your own admission that's not your current circumstance. You acknowledge it's a massive PITA yet are having a pop at fellow posters on here for asking what is, the most obvs question!!

Hoowhoowho · 26/12/2021 09:26

Why don’t you drive?

I’m a socially responsible individual who supports the local public transport services and believes in preserving the environment for our ancestors.

The rise in the number of people who drive has reduced local services, increased social isolation especially for the vulnerable, decimated public transport, ruined small business, increased pollution, increased childhood and adult obesity, put other road users at risk and this is just the beginning….. Driving is a social menace. The OP is a victim of the driving culture. Bus services would not be closed on Boxing Day in a world where driving was not the norm.

So while I understand while most people learn to drive in our culture which has already given into the cult of the car. Not driving is a social disadvantage, we should really be questioning why we are not working harder to make it the norm not to drive when the negative impact on society is so great.