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Original poster

stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

343 replies

moanymoan · 26/12/2021 01:31

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 26/12/2021 10:12

@moanymoan

I’m sorry many others have made this all about DRIVING . It’s really not!

Then we get ‘why don’t you ask your DH to ‘ mind’ his own children’. Oh dear.

Bottom line is, you are stuck indoors in poor weather with nowhere to go, I suggest you just wrap the DC up and tell in-laws you’d like to go for a walk in nearest Country Park/small town and can they come/ take you please.
Your DC are small your husband needs to work at a time convenient to you ( and I get some people have jobs that mean they are so important they have to work on Christmas Day) unless he’s Chris Witty I’m thinking he has some time to spend with you, his family.
If you don’t make a stand this year, this will be your Christmas every year, you being bored, him ‘ working ‘.

I hope you manage to enjoy today, merry Christmas 🎄

Thesearmsofmine · 26/12/2021 10:12

I know it’s not appealing but definitely get out for a walk, it will really help to get some space.

I don’t drive and have 3 dc, these posts always go the same way. People don’t drive for a whole host of reasons.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 26/12/2021 10:13

@sunshinesupermum It's nasty of you to try to silence people because you don't like important points being brought up.

Badyboo · 26/12/2021 10:13

People don't have to have an excuse to not drive if they don't want to, its not mandatory!

IamGusFring · 26/12/2021 10:14

@sunshinesupermum

MNHQ I suggest you take this thread down now. It's got really nasty and isn't helping the OP.
How do you know that ? Maybe she is thinking " you know what ? These women are right - once baby is older I WILL be taking lessons so that I won't ever be in this position again "
Cocobean30 · 26/12/2021 10:16

Oh ffs stop being a crank. You’re not helping.

Anoisagusaris · 26/12/2021 10:18

Why is everyone focusing on driving on a thread about leaving the house and going for a walk? OP you don’t need a lift to go out with the kids, just go for a walk from the house. Surely you can do that?

pictish · 26/12/2021 10:18

@Badyboo

People don't have to have an excuse to not drive if they don't want to, its not mandatory!
I do agree with this. The posts insisting it’s a responsibility to be undertaken, shaming the OP for not, are crap. So is the preachy, zealous post just there…bugger off.
starfishofbethlehem · 26/12/2021 10:23

@RosesAndHellebores

Why don't you drive? Why don't you go for a walk or say you'd like to feed the baby in front of the TV?
Not helpful.

Some people don't drive because they have health conditions and are not allowed a licence.

If they live in a city then there is potentially no need to drive and possibly keeping a car is difficult (parking restrictions etc)

TatianaBis · 26/12/2021 10:27

There are far more women on here who don’t drive than have health conditions. And then they complain when they can’t get about.

It’s on a par with not earning your own money in terms of dependence.

SethWho · 26/12/2021 10:30

I don't think you can compare driving lessons cost to having a phone. My phone contract is £36 a month- Driving lessons were £42 an hour and I would have them weekly. I have no idea how many £££s I spent but I do know my sister gifted me £1000 for it and that was gone months and months before I passed.

Okbye · 26/12/2021 10:36

Driving lessons now are expensive!
I’m currently learning (and I’m over 30, the absolute horror at not immediately learning at midnight on my 17th birthday!) and my lessons are £32 an hour - THATS EXPENSIVE.

Lots of people don’t drive for many reasons that are no one else’s business.
The fact that some people on this thread seem to care SO MUCH about people they don’t know and will never know who don’t drive for whatever reason is very strange indeed.

Lifeisnteasy · 26/12/2021 10:38

@TatianaBis

There are far more women on here who don’t drive than have health conditions. And then they complain when they can’t get about.

It’s on a par with not earning your own money in terms of dependence.

Not really because if you earn your own money you can pay for taxis, public transport etc.
grapewine · 26/12/2021 10:38

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs

Asking why she doesn't drive is a valid question, especially as she is a parent responsible for children. So stop whingeing about us asking such a valid question.
Quite.

Just go for a walk if you want, OP. Why does he have to come along?

C8H10N4O2 · 26/12/2021 10:41

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@C8H10N4O2 You're talking nonsense. Even in Sydney which is a big city, it is expected you get your licence. Just as it's expected you get a job and pay taxes. Living in a big city (perhaps apart from NYC and even then they like Sydney and I would imagine London have multi-level carparks for block of flats) is no excuse not to get your licence and drive a car. What nonsense.[/quote]
I would imagine London have multi-level carparks for block of flats)

Hahaha. You have no clue.

All my adult DC but one drive but none keep cars as they live in European cities. The idea that parking is even available, let alone cheap and affordable is risible. They learned because we could afford the very significant costs involved in learning to drive and insuring young drivers in a city - that's a privilege, not "life skills" prices.

Why on earth would sensible adults spend thousands a year keeping and parking a car just for the odd weekend drive? They commute by public transport, they socialise using public transport, they travel around the country and out of it by public transport. They have better things to spend their money on than the "essential" MN vanity car.

MN is barking about driving and the costs/practicalities and realities for people who were not afforded the privilege of families willing and able to fund lessons and insurance when they were teenagers.
The idea that it should be forced into the school curriculum along with everything else is nonsensical.

sunshinesupermum · 26/12/2021 10:41

Driving lessons now are expensive!
I’m currently learning (and I’m over 30, the absolute horror at not immediately learning at midnight on my 17th birthday!) and my lessons are £32 an hour - THATS EXPENSIVE.
Lots of people don’t drive for many reasons that are no one else’s business.
The fact that some people on this thread seem to care SO MUCH about people they don’t know and will never know who don’t drive for whatever reason is very strange indeed.

Sadly Okbye there are a number of posters here who just don't get this

TatianaBis · 26/12/2021 10:43

Not really because if you earn your own money you can pay for taxis, public transport etc.

Buses aren’t running and taxis will be Christmas rates. Not everywhere has Ubers.

2Gen · 26/12/2021 10:45

Why are you asking why the OP doesn't drive now? She can hardly book and pass her test today can she? She's asking for practical suggestions for today and anyway, loads of people don't learn to drive until later in life, or at all, for all sorts of reasons and it's not really anything to do with anyone else.
OP, I would do as anothe rposter suggested and tell your DH you're feeling terrible and need to go home. TBH I think he's bang out of order hiding away doing work and leaving you in this position. I'd be really uncomfortable and on edge and hate it too! If he won't, try and take the kids out for a walk- it's not ideal but it'll give you a break from feeling uncomfortable with his family. Oh yeah, and tell him that next year ye are staying at home and just having a quiet Christmas and not hosting anyone either!

TatianaBis · 26/12/2021 10:50

@C8H10N4O2

Other European countries have far better transport infrastructure than the U.K. and subsidised fares.

France, Italy Germany for example have superfast TGV lines crisscrossing the country. The U.K. has one stretch from the south coast to St Pancras, that’s it.

If attitude that strikes me as barking on here is the women who’ve never learnt to drive, with families, who find themselves totally dependent on their DH’s for getting around off piste.

A surprising number live rurally and then complain they can’t get to the shops, get their kids to school, or get to workplaces that may employ them.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 26/12/2021 10:50

“Just learn to drive, OP”

Some people are absolutely clueless. £50 per week for lessons is many family’s entire weekly food budget.

Asking about why she doesn’t drive is not only pointless, it’s not like she can learn to drive right now and resolve her current shitty situation, it’s incredibly ignorant.

Op, your husband is being a selfish twat.

ittakes2 · 26/12/2021 10:51

I am sorry but a partner not driving - unless there was a medical reason - would actually be a deal breaker for me. You feel stuck - I bet he feels like a taxi and wants a day off.

Orchid876 · 26/12/2021 10:53

I agree with others who have said you need to ask your husband to take you home. It's bad enough staying at others people's houses when you find that uncomfortable (that's me, everything you have said resonates, I can't stand being a house guest for more than a couple of days), but for your husband to then be working is very unfair. He could presumably work at home, so why are you even there? Why had he gone to visit relatives for an extended period if he's going to be working most of the time? It's far more logical to just go for one night and have a day off work completely, then he can work more intensely at home on other days. If you've explained how you feel to him but he still won't take you home, he is an arse.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/12/2021 10:54

Why is he working?
That's the issue.

That you have come to in laws and he is working.

So go home, so that you get your own space and do what you want.

Or he stops working and does something with his children

LillianGish · 26/12/2021 10:56

In the short term, put on your coats, grab some brollies and go out for a walk with the kids. In the long term, I would think about learning to drive so you are not dependent on the whim of your DH if you want to go out somewhere (presumably there is a car sitting outside that you could drive if you had a licence). That said, it is pouring where I am today so I can slightly understand your DH thinking trailing round in the rain is not the best idea with little ones. When do you go home? I always preferred to be in my own home for Christmas when the kids were tiny so I could retain some element of control.

appleturnovers · 26/12/2021 11:00

Just want to say I know how you feel. I'm in a similar boat, at my MIL's for a week, young child, all of their habits are different, rural area with literally nothing in walking distance apart from the village church 30 minutes' walk away along country lanes with no pavement, and p*ssing down with rain. (And before anyone says anything, I do drive, but we came on the train as it was much cheaper, and we are both actually insured to drive MIL's car but we still have to negotiate if we want to go anywhere, which is just more stressful than being able to just go when and where we want, like at home.)
My inlaws are LOVELY, they really are, but just being in someone else's home is stressful in and of itself. Eating at different times than we're used to, the kids having different food than they're used to, not knowing where anything is, which is stressful when you keep having to ask. There are two bathrooms and both are en-suite to other people's bedrooms, so we have to negotiate with the occupants of those bedrooms before we can have a shower. Then yesterday I was all ready for my shower then realised there was no shower gel or shampoo in that shower so had to get dressed again, and go and find DH to ask where I might find some more, upon which he brought me some very expensive-looking shampoo from his mum's bathroom with not much left in it, which I felt bad using so I ended up using baby wash on my hair! You know, it's all manageable, and none of it's the end of the world, but it all adds up to just not being able to feel 100% relaxed. Also like you, we watch a lot of telly at home, but they never have the telly on and seem to get twitchy if I put it on... not that I could sit and watch it anyway with a toddler who keeps running around and needs to be supervised in a not-completely-childproof house. Oh and MIL is much tidier than we are, which is stressful too as we have to tidy up any mess straight away rather than leaving it half an hour. Oh well, it's not forever, so you'll get through it. Also do you alternate Christmases, so next year will be with your DPs or at your own house? Just look forward to that! Also even if there's nothing in walking distance, are there any public footpaths where you could take the kids on a walk through some fields or anything?