stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

[moanymoan]

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

@sunshinesupermum

All those people insisting OP learns to drive don't appreciate the cost of learning and also of running a second car if needed.

@sunshinesupermum Your comment doesn't make any sense because all of us who learned to drive know the cost of learning to drive, after all, we experienced it! Of course we know and appreciate it. Just that if it's expected, it is a cost you bear. Going to work costs, paying tax costs, having a mortgage or house costs. Some things you do because you have to/are expected to do so, regardless of cost.

Absolutely go for a walk. Maybe even ask your DH if he would mind the children while you are out….

Secondly learning to drive is probably the most useful skill you could ever learn for your independence and autonomy. In your situation it would definitely be my priority for 2022 so that in future I could make decisions about where I went, when I went and never be cooped up again.

I wasn't going to come back on here but hey ho!
I had three driving instructors stop teaching me. I almost caused a serious accident because I couldn't sequence my movements properly, I went into full panic mode and my legs went into spasms around a roundabout. The instructor had to pull the steering wheel and I had to literally hold both legs up off the floor of the car until he could get to a safe place to stop.

But yes I am just too lazy to learn to drive.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Mummyoflittledragon of course lazy people with a similar mindset won't challenge your mindset. Hey ho.... [/quote]
😂😂😂

@pollygartertidywife

"As for the cost ? It's about priority. Most people have a laptop or 2 in the house. A couple of iPhones./IPads. Driving is a life skill forever and costs less than one of them... and can be paid for a bit at a time. Requested for birthdays or Christmas..."

You obviously haven't a clue how a lot of people live! Most people don't have laptops and iPhones lying about or are able to ask for money for birthdays or Christmas. I know a lot of families where the priority is to survive, not to spend hundreds on driving essons!

@Wiredforsound

If your DH knew he had to work he shouldn’t have dragged you to your in-laws and expected you to play the guest while he gets to clear off for three days. That’s very unfair. They’re his parents, not yours, and he should be leading the legwork with them. Can you get him to at least drop you somewhere or get his parents to drop you somewhere and pick you up a few hours later. At least then you won’t be stuck in the house.

This. Especially since they're not even fit enough to help with the children, just expect you to follow their routine and keep your children and their messes in check while you're tired and breastfeeding.

I would let him have it frankly. You need a break and some fresh air, and he's letting you down massively here.

Why do men always bloody disappear when their own families are around? Leaving the woman to entertain them? It seems to be a common theme & its shit behaviour. My dad used to invite friends round for dinner & vanish off to ‘cook’ for hours leaving me to talk to them. So selfish.

Anyway, I agree with getting out for a walk. Just make note of what’s happened and don’t arrange to spend days with the in laws again.

I taught my mother when she was in her late fifties to drive a stick shift. She was the most incredibly nervous learner imaginable. I marched her off for the written test. She had a few lessons from a professional and passed her test It transformed her life. My father had alway been the driver but he became unwell. My mother was out and about for many years and it gave her a lot of freedom to meet friends and to shop. Instead of trading in my car, I gave it to mum and she had years of reliable motoring. My Nissan that I passed on was very reliable and very thrifty with fuel.

My dad taught me (although he failed with Mum). I have been driving for nearly 40 years.

It’s not about the driving. It’s about being a guest over Christmas. OP I remember how exhausting this can be. You have done a lovely thing spending it with your in laws and I am sure they have loved having DGC to stay. Job done now, go home, stay home next year. In laws may also be keen to get the house back to themselves!

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs

Asking why she doesn't drive is a valid question, especially as she is a parent responsible for children. So stop whingeing about us asking such a valid question.

Maybe they can't afford it?

Where are all the environmentalist hand wringers that endlessly post about glitter wrapping paper and complaining about plastic? Instead everyone is berating the OP for not polluting the earth!

Not everyone needs to drive in a day to day scenario, but you do need to be prepared to walk, take public transport or get a taxi.

I'd feel incredibly cooped up under those conditions, OP, I'd prioritise getting out without your husband.

Sorry, OP, for being side-tracked. All this talk of driving lessons aren't going to solve anything today.

Can you wrap up and go for a walk? Can you insist on DH taking a break or dropping you off and picking you in somewhere?

@Hoowhoowho

Why don’t you drive?

I’m a socially responsible individual who supports the local public transport services and believes in preserving the environment for our ancestors.

The rise in the number of people who drive has reduced local services, increased social isolation especially for the vulnerable, decimated public transport, ruined small business, increased pollution, increased childhood and adult obesity, put other road users at risk and this is just the beginning….. Driving is a social menace. The OP is a victim of the driving culture. Bus services would not be closed on Boxing Day in a world where driving was not the norm.

So while I understand while most people learn to drive in our culture which has already given into the cult of the car. Not driving is a social disadvantage, we should really be questioning why we are not working harder to make it the norm not to drive when the negative impact on society is so great.

I think it's the opposite way around. I think it is socially irresponsible and indeed selfish to have children but not be able to drive. The UK has given way to the cult of selfishness and irresponsibility. Unlike other countries, the UK does not teach responsibility, self reliance, independence. Driver's Ed is mandatory in other countries, because it is a vital life skill! If you have children, you should be responsible enough to drive, for their sake in case of emergency etc. There are very very few medical reasons a person can't drive and if you have a serious enough condition to prevent driving, then it should therefore logically prevent you from having children. I grew up with a mum from the UK with a similar selfish and irresponsible attitude to driving, and it really impacted me as a child growing up. Relying on public transport is no way to live. Believe me. When you have children you should be responsible enough to drive. Full stop. End of story.

OP, I really feel for you. I think you need to be a bit more selfish and assertive, in a good way: tell PIL openly that you can’t sit so long at the table it’s tiring for children or ask MIL or FIL to play with them/ take them outside for a short period while you are doing something. I don’t think that your DH is such a bad person for working over Xmas period. Sometimes things need to be done and deadlines happen. My DH often has some work emails etc over Xmas period so it’s not surprising. I would expect him to cut things like : his sleep, his mealtimes, his chatting with others and allocate at least some time to spend with DC. I partly agree with him about the weather but as others have suggested you still can take DC for a few short walks to have a bit of fresh air.
Make mental notes for the next Xmas you won’t be able to change much this one.

[quote AbandonedCharacter]@pollygartertidywife

"As for the cost ? It's about priority. Most people have a laptop or 2 in the house. A couple of iPhones./IPads. Driving is a life skill forever and costs less than one of them... and can be paid for a bit at a time. Requested for birthdays or Christmas..."

You obviously haven't a clue how a lot of people live! Most people don't have laptops and iPhones lying about or are able to ask for money for birthdays or Christmas. I know a lot of families where the priority is to survive, not to spend hundreds on driving essons![/quote]
And don't forget the childcare on top. It requires the other parent to be willing to look after the kids for a couple of hours every weekend (which hopefully they would) or paying a babysitter.

In the short-term, I would just splash for a taxi home.

I'm with the others who say wrap up and go somewhere local.

And look into driving. It may be that it really is absolutely impossible for you to learn, but if it is in any way doable, it will make such a huge difference for you, especially as you have young children.

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs 'When you have children you should be responsible enough to drive. Full stop. End of story.'

End of story? And what about all those living in poverty? Medically unable to drive?

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs
In case of emergency there are emergency vehicles drivers and taxis. Driving is very useful skill but nothing more, not social duty.
Where in Europe is driving a mandatory subject at school?

[quote greenlynx]@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs
In case of emergency there are emergency vehicles drivers and taxis. Driving is very useful skill but nothing more, not social duty.
Where in Europe is driving a mandatory subject at school?[/quote]
And sometimes those emergency vehicles and taxis aren't available, or are delayed.

Who said anything about Europe? In Australia, America, NZ, Canada, Sweden etc it is at least a subject if not mandatory. It is a vital life skill just as CPR is.

@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs What an idiotic statement!

[quote AbandonedCharacter]@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs What an idiotic statement![/quote]
How is what I said idiotic? Care to elaborate, or is it because you have no argument but just want to hurl something back? @AbandonedCharacter

Nice thread about driving. Poor OP