Messed up with DDs gift

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving

Brat. Perhaps next year a trip to the local foodbank or to volunteer with the Samaritans on Xmas day might help with her perspective. Oh to have disposable income to buy an ‘over budget’ engraved watch when I’m scraping by to deal with putting Xmas dinner on the table and to have the heating on instead of jumpers and hot water bottles. Scary energy and petrol rises coming as a single mum. You are enabling her by shielding her behaviour. I have life trauma and mental health issues and work closely with many teens with additional support needs but this would be dealt with firmly and matter of factly. And who still gets big presents at 19 anyway?! I was brought up in care, was homeless at 15 and struggle to remember many presents from then on. I was always working on Xmas day as it was amazing pay. I hope you get an apology from the indulged madam once she is back from being delightful at her dads Tsk.

@LibbyL92

Awfully spoilt and incredibly rude.

You can’t use MH as an excuse to treat someone like shit.

I’d take the watch back. And make sure she’s aware of how embarrassingly rude she is.

OP said:

Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved.

The shop may be unable to issue a refund on an already engraved item.

OP said:

As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She is 19 - not 9.
She sent you a link.

She should have taken responsibility for researching the item and whether it was suitable for her - that was not your responsibility.

Just wish for once I could have nailed a “perfect” Christmas!!

She's an adult, now. You don't have to strive for the "perfect Christmas".

No-one has to strive for the "perfect Christmas" - whatever age their children are!

I am sure that a person without mental health issues would not behave like this. I also think that certain of these issues would indeed bring on such behaviour and therefore tolerance and understanding is definitely needed, no matter how painful.

All that said, if this particular young lady does not have any such issues she is either a truly unpleasant girl or she is harbouring an issue as yet unknown or undiagnosed so maybe a few conversations to be had here,

Stop pandering, excusing behaviour and trying so hard. She's awful and you're allowing her to be.

She's a spoilt brat let her sulk all she wants you got her what she wanted

My asd dd can be like this. Her anxiety leads to a need to control her environment and Christmas is a nightmare for surprises and last minute changes. She have learned over the years to ensure she has some control over as much as possible. And she will always blame someone else as the alternative is that she screwed up and she can't cope with that due to the perfectionism.... On a practical note, if the watch is engraved on the back you may be able to get the back replaced. And she will calm down when everything else gets back to normal so her anxiety levels are not so high. Then you can have a chat about how to avoid that situation next time.
Be kind to yourself - this is not your fault and it is not really hers either. Just keep working on the stresses bit by bit, one at a time...

My children are fussy too. Before Christmas I showed them their presents, they loved most of them. I returned the ones they didn't like (saved me money!). When they opened them Christmas day, they were happy, nothing needs swapping/returning. Perhaps you could show her next time before wrapping up.

Or you can teach your children to be grateful. We don't have a ton of money and my kids always appreciate what we buy them and have been made aware from a young age some people don't get anything.
If my teenagers threw a strop it would be the last Christmas present they got off me.
My 15 year old was so thrilled with her iPhone (which was a reconditioned iPhone 6 so not a new one) that she cried with happiness

So she got what she asked for, and its all your fault?
Im sure over the years my children (ranging from 4 to 16) have had gifts they do not really like but never would they behave like that, or have even ever said anything.

Next year i would be giving a selection box and maybe a gift voucher if i was feeling generous

@Beautiful3

My children are fussy too. Before Christmas I showed them their presents, they loved most of them. I returned the ones they didn't like (saved me money!). When they opened them Christmas day, they were happy, nothing needs swapping/returning. Perhaps you could show her next time before wrapping up.

That just spoils the whole idea of a surprise gift and Christmas. It isn't fussy it's spoilt.

@marble11 I used to buy surprises. They'd say thank you, and never play/touch those presents again. It was a waste of money. Mine are now old enough to know that father Christmas isn't real. If they want to request certain trainers/books/beauty/make up products then why not?! They get far less presents from me, as their products are expensive. I want them to love their gifts and use them. I'm happy to still report that they're still reading their books, using their bath products and sleeping on their squish mallows! I'm the same too, I'd rather not have a surprise gift, that I don't want to eat/use/wear. We don't have to buy/recieve surprises which end up being donated to charity shops, we can actually ask people what they'd like! It's not being spoilt, it's being clever.

@honeyandbutterontoast

Birthday isn’t so bad although still can have issues.

Christmas it’s the fact everyone else has gifts, so she has panicked about not getting the right gifts for others, plus everyone is expected to be happy and there’s the whole build up etc. She wants to be a little kid in a “proper” family again (which can’t happen!) and it all blends to make such stress. Yet she still wants gifts, decorations, traditions. Total contradiction but that’s what it’s like.

Just because someone is unwell doesn't mean they get everything that they want.

You need to separate your feelings about her mental health from the way you organise Christmas and birthdays.

Just because she has a mental illness that does not entitle her to run the day, or ruin it. She is an adult and is responsible for her own behaviour. Pandering to her and enabling her will not help.