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Original poster

Messed up with DDs gift

212 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:17

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving Sad

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 25/12/2021 11:35

I feel sorry for you and your other daughter having someone stropping about spoiling the day.

Do not pander to her. She's being very rude.

PatchworkElmer · 25/12/2021 11:37

I feel so sorry for your other DD- she’s stuck with it all day.

SingToTheSleigh · 25/12/2021 11:40

She chose the gift, it’s not fair to take it out on you because she chose wrong

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/12/2021 11:42

This sounds really difficult and I appreciate her MH issues and history make the whole thing more difficult and that it’s less black and white than just saying she’s an adult and shouldn’t behave like that. I think you are right to stand firm and just keep reiterating that it is what she wanted and therefore it’s on her and it can’t be returned.

In a few days when all of the Christmas pressure has died down is she likely to be able to step back from the situation and get over it?

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 25/12/2021 11:51

She sounds awful. She should be ashamed and embarrassed about her bratty behaviour.

I can’t believe how many threads there are this year for spoilt ungrateful children and young adults. They need a kick up the arse the lot of them.

And having mental health problems is no excuse whatsoever. Don’t make excuses for her.

clpsmum · 25/12/2021 11:53

She sounds like a spoilt brat tbh leave her to sulk and for good measure put all the unwrapped gifts she's left away

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 11:54

Yes she does have an ED as well as other issues. It makes it incredibly hard knowing that something going wrong will mean this worsening.
Although the fact she hasn’t eaten anything halfway substantial for 3 days means she is quite irrational so has probably triggered this.

Anyhow thank you all, even for the comments saying she’s rude as well as having MH issues, because It’s true! My youngest DD will be fine, lots of people to be with at her dads and hers was more a cross kind of upset that she’s over now.
(And yes she shouldn’t have to deal with it I know!)

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 25/12/2021 11:56

She linked to what she wanted.

It's not your responsibility to have more careful about it being the right thing.

Next year a card and some cash. She can get her own gifts and you don't need to worry in the run up.

TrashyPanda · 25/12/2021 12:03

Yet she still wants gifts, decorations, tradition

Tell her that “I want never gets”.

She wants everything and she wants to spoil everything.
You don’t have to play along with it.

bringbacksideburns · 25/12/2021 12:03

Tell her to grow up.

Sorry but you are enabling her. Enough.

My daughter who is also 19 and is no angel has Generalised Anxiety Disorder. She made us all breakfast this morning. Her boyfriend has ptsd and severe depression. My brother is schizophrenic. Many of us have MH problems. It does not mean everyone should accept us behaving like arseholes and spoiling Christmas Day!

It’s been a tough year for us all.

I’m sorry to be blunt but you are allowing her to ruin your other daughter’s christmas too - that would be a big no no from me.

Now leave her to sulk and enjoy the rest of your day.

1forAll74 · 25/12/2021 12:18

She would receive nothing if it was my child, if this was the attitude to a gift bought for her. Some people have lost sight of what a gift should mean. and not say what they wan't. or give lists of things. as in makes,or brands of things. Sign of the times I think, where people are ungrateful about presents bought for them.

Innocenta · 25/12/2021 12:22

@honeyandbutterontoast I think a lot of people don't understand the unique pressures surrounding a household where someone has an active ED (especially with other stuff in the mix too). Yes, she's being terrible and the MH issues don't excuse it, but the situation is incredibly difficult and there are concrete risks that often just aren't there in the same way with other conditions. I'm sorry it derailed your day so badly.

Longdistance · 25/12/2021 12:31

Did she always get her own way as a child?Pathetic behaviour. I’d be glad she’s going to her dads and she can bloody well stay there.

flapjackfairy · 25/12/2021 12:46

Why don't you sell it for whatever you can get and get her to donate the money to a worthy cause. It might do her good to think of others who have much less material stuff than we do . I agree that it is not good to use mental health issues as an excuse to allow her to ruin everyone's day.
There have been endless threads already of people who are not happy with their gifts.
What an awful materialistic society we have become.

Tabbacus · 25/12/2021 12:48

@honeyandbutterontoast

Yes she does have an ED as well as other issues. It makes it incredibly hard knowing that something going wrong will mean this worsening. Although the fact she hasn’t eaten anything halfway substantial for 3 days means she is quite irrational so has probably triggered this.

Anyhow thank you all, even for the comments saying she’s rude as well as having MH issues, because It’s true! My youngest DD will be fine, lots of people to be with at her dads and hers was more a cross kind of upset that she’s over now.
(And yes she shouldn’t have to deal with it I know!)

Is she getting help for her mental health? As a sibling of someone similar, its incredibly draining and not something you feel you can be honest about- it will be having an effect. If she can mask at university then talk to you and treat you like shit then she needs professional help still, because you shouldn't feel you have to live walking on egg shells.
Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 12:57

No we no longer get any help for her MH as she doesn’t want any. And as an adult that’s how the system with this works 🤷‍♀️ Hopefully one day something will make her want to get better.

OP posts:
Nailsbythesea · 25/12/2021 12:58

@NynaeveSedai

What kind of mental health issues lead to this behaviour? Are you sure you haven't pandered to the behaviour because of the mental health issues rather than them being a cause of it?
This - she chose but never ever get something engraved

My two children both have autistic traits and are being assessed for autism - neither are like this although I know it is a huge spectrum

Nailsbythesea · 25/12/2021 12:59

@honeyandbutterontoast

No we no longer get any help for her MH as she doesn’t want any. And as an adult that’s how the system with this works 🤷‍♀️ Hopefully one day something will make her want to get better.
? Has she got a formal diagnosis and maybe private counselling?
Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 13:10

7 years of private counselling! And yes definitely formal diagnoses. Drs and psychiatrists and Camhs and hospitals. Family therapy, cbt, etc etc etc. Endless appointments and books read.

And we do pander to it, it’s hard not to when over the years we have dealt with the horror of it all. But every now and then it flares like this and it’s hard to cope with.

She’s just messaged me from her dads and seems to be happy with everything there, lucky him!!

OP posts:
Ijustwouldnt · 25/12/2021 13:22

I'm going to disagree and think that engraving the watch has possibly done you a favour. It can't be returned now. I'd say thats a good thing...

TrashyPanda · 25/12/2021 13:25

From your last post It sounds like she can switch her tantrums on and off.

She knows she has the power to hurt you and her sister, and she choses to do that.

Like her ED, it’s all about control. And it’s highly manipulative.

Tabbacus · 25/12/2021 13:27

She’s just messaged me from her dads and seems to be happy with everything there, lucky him!!

But that's spiteful going out of her way to say how wonderful and happy everything is there. Yes of course mental health has an effect, but honestly pandering to it (common for fear of repercussions) is not helping in the long run, and not fair on the rest of the family. I'd try and contact mind or someone and see what support and advice you can get, especially if she isn't like this at university, she sees you as a safe place she can be as nasty and horrible as she wants and you'll always be there; but that will come at a cost to you.

Roadhouse111 · 25/12/2021 13:38

What an ungrateful brat, so many children and young people out there waking up to fuck all this morning, I can't actually believe any decent human being would get on like this.

Would be seriously wondering what I did to raise such a selfish, spoilt madam.

She needs some bloody perspective, is be so ashamed if my DD turned out this way.

Roadhouse111 · 25/12/2021 13:40

And as for the MH thing, this does not entitle to act this way, everyone has or knows someone with issues myself included, but it's no excuse, especially if she's not willing to do anything about it

bendmeoverbackwards · 25/12/2021 13:44

Some of these responses are very harsh, how is it helpful to call the OP’s dd names?

This is clearly not about the watch. She sounds deeply unhappy. All behaviour is communication and as a parent you have to look a little deeper.