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Original poster

Messed up with DDs gift

212 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:17

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving Sad

OP posts:
LakieLady · 25/12/2021 09:25

@honeyandbutterontoast

Thank you all. I actually feel a bit better about it now. Felt sick for weeks knowing what her reaction would be.

Don’t want to out on the MH issues except to say she was a perfectly nice kid before she got ill and I know this kind of overreaction to things is part of her illness but it’s so draining. She’s kind of stuck in a little child zone at Christmas.

I should have double checked but tbh that’s the whole reason I asked for an exact list. If I’d gone “off list” I could have found a nicer and cheaper watch but I thought it would be safer to get the exact one 🙄

Anyhow they are off to their dads in a bit, so I will have a little cry about it all then and get over it. Just wish for once I could have nailed a “perfect” Christmas!!

It's not your fault, OP, and if her MH means that she can't accept the mildest disappointment, then the chances of nailing a "perfect" Christmas with her are very low indeed.

I know it's hard to accept, and we are dripfed this "perfect Christmas" so effectively that people actually believe in something that's near mythical.

Don't beat yourself up, and I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the day.

hiredandsqueak · 25/12/2021 09:27

My son has autism and Christmas can be difficult for him. He finds surprises difficult so I stick to his list but other people might not. I taught him as a child that if it's a gift he doesn't like then he needs to put it on the table and I will put it out of sight because anything other than that is unacceptable. You should insist that your dd learns a similar approach because you are doing her and her sister no favours by tolerating this.

Magissa · 25/12/2021 09:27

So did she send you the wrong link?

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 25/12/2021 09:30

If I’d behaved like that when I was 19 I honestly think my parents would have brought me nothing for the next Christmas. In fact, if I had behaved like that at nine there would have been stern words. She’s an adult, don’t pander to it. Next year she gets a nice Amazon gift voucher for £30 and a chocolate orange and no one spends Christmas morning crying. Job done. Spoilt little madam.

Rivermonsters · 25/12/2021 09:35

Tell her to grow up, shit like that won’t work in the future. Pathetic

TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/12/2021 09:49

She’s asked me when I’m going to change the watch, I’ve said I can’t, she’s said I’m punishing her for me getting the gift wrong and I’ve had to reiterate that I got what she asked for. So mega meltdown ensuing but I do feel that this once I am not at all in the wrong.

Have I missed something? You got her exactly what she asked for and she's having a strop about it? I wouldn't engage further today because she'll just shit all over your Christmas a bit more, but at some point in the coming weeks I'd be having a chat about gratitude. Mental health issues my hairy backside.

Stormbraver99 · 25/12/2021 09:54

19 or 9??

pradavilla · 25/12/2021 09:56

She's 19, that is ridiculous behaviour from someone that age. I wouldn't be cross with myself I'd be disappointed in her reaction. Sounds about like a spoilt brat to be honest. You bought her what she asked her so it's her fault if she doesn't like it. Maybe just give her money in future. Sounds like she's have a moan about that too!

seriousandloyal · 25/12/2021 10:03

OP stand firm or you are in for a life sentence of this! Just detach from this drama. It's not your problem to solve, she is 19, she can do what she wants with the watch if she doesn't like it, you got her the watch she asked for so your part is done. And I would suggest a token present only next year as she is an adult now. Try and have a nice day yourself, you matter too.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 25/12/2021 10:05

She's 19 - an adult. Next year, give her money or a gift token and let her buy her own present.

TwistedOlivers · 25/12/2021 10:08

I'd be whacking the watch on Ebay to get a bit of money back and just not engaging with her any more on the subject
MH issues or not she's majorly over reacting and you don't deserve her wrath and tantrums
She's a brat, a 19 year old that seriously needs to grow up

ChiefStockingStuffer · 25/12/2021 10:12

I'm sorry, but I don't think MH issues excuse people from behaving really, really badly towards others. You bought her exactly what she asked for at Christmas. Exactly. And she kicked off like a spoiled brat and she's made her sister cry on Christmas. That just isn't acceptable, no matter how much she's struggling.

People can be unwell with MH illness AND still act like assholes. We see that statement a lot. I think you need to explain it to her when she's calmer.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 25/12/2021 10:14

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

This is also telling: it's not about her MH, it's about her madam-like behaviour that has been allowed to dominate everyone else's Christmases every year.

Innocenta · 25/12/2021 10:21

Does your DD have an eating disorder? Some of the things you've said, and the way you've been sheltering her, have kind of implied that. It can be much harder to 'stand up to' unreasonable demands from an ED sufferer who is physically fragile.

Lovemusic33 · 25/12/2021 10:31

Tbh I wouldn’t use the MH issues as an excuse. Both my dc have ASD and other things but I wouldn’t expect this kind of behaviour from them. I messed up this morning and lost dd1’s main gift (luckily now found) and she was fine about it, or at least made out she was. I would be pretty annoyed if dd1 blew up like that and ruined the day for everyone else, she’s 17 and although she gets grumpy she wouldn’t dream of kicking off like that.
You got her the watch she sent you the link too, what else could you have done? Maybe next year just give her cash and she can chose her own gift?

Mrsfussypants1 · 25/12/2021 10:49

As a pp said, I'd take her shopping next year and buy them with her there with you. I'd leave her to her strop, if it last all day so be it, you and your other dd try and enjoy your Christmas and ignore her behaviour and let her come out of the strop at her own time. That's not a reaction I've ever come across in our family, so all I can say really is ignore bad behaviour and consentrate on enjoying your day.

3WildOnes · 25/12/2021 10:54

I know an adult with EUPD/BPD who would probably behave like this. They can not cope with any disappointment or anything going even slightly wrong. We were meant to be going to an event together once, tickets were very clear that if you arrived late you wouldn’t be let in. She faffed about for ages making us late and then when they wouldn’t let us in cried, ranted and shouted at the staff. I was mortified.
DBT therapy will be useful for her. For you, family therapy will help you know how to react to not enable or inflame.
I think I would just leave her in her room and hopefully she will come out and apologise when she is feeling more regulated.

chris8888 · 25/12/2021 10:56

She is 19 and controlling the whole house because she can - I had a now ex husband like that. Tell her to take the gift back to the shop when it opens and grow up.

DrSbaitso · 25/12/2021 11:08

I appreciate she has MH issues but there must be a better way of dealing with it than pandering to this shit.

Bananarama21 · 25/12/2021 11:12

She sounds a right little madam she doesn't realise how bloody lucky she is. There children who weren't get anything won't have rhe full Christmas Dinner, some people are in hospital sick of homeless, I'd be showing her how bloody lucky she is. Stop pandering and making excuses for poor behaviour

Booklover3 · 25/12/2021 11:15

You and your youngest deserve better than that.

LibbyL92 · 25/12/2021 11:17

Awfully spoilt and incredibly rude.

You can’t use MH as an excuse to treat someone like shit.

I’d take the watch back. And make sure she’s aware of how embarrassingly rude she is.

Yummypumpkin · 25/12/2021 11:21

I wouldn't ever get her a gift again and I'd tell her that today.

I'm unaware of any genuine MH condition that would present like this, other than narcissism.

theworldhasgoneinsane · 25/12/2021 11:26

YOU haven't messed up. I would spend between now and next Xmas teaching her what Xmas is really about. MH issues or no MH issues, this isn't acceptable.

Don't feel bad, and enjoy your day. How lovely of you for trying so hard and it's sad she doesn't appreciate that

CagneyNYPD1 · 25/12/2021 11:27

This sounds so hard for you all @honeyandbutterontoast

I was the younger sister in a very similar situation. Still am really because even at the age of 50, my dsis still calls the shots. Still dominates our dm's attention and time. Still needs lots of hand holding and is the family priority.

Your dds will soon be off to their father's and you will get a well deserved break from it. But your other DD will not. Poor kid.