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Original poster

Messed up with DDs gift

212 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:17

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving Sad

OP posts:
Rainartist · 25/12/2021 17:29

Mental health issues or not she is a brat and needs telling. In future give her money she can buy her own items!

No way should you feel guilty and noone should be pandering to her moods, cheer up her sister instead.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 25/12/2021 17:30

I’d stop buying her if it was that draining as she’s an adult, or just give her cash but not a lot! She sounds like a nasty spoilt brat, sorry op. My DC get spoilt but never demand or throw tantrums and appreciate everything they get. My youngest one is autistic and very straight talking but would never do this.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 25/12/2021 17:32

I used to support a man with OCD who behaved just like this at the slightest inconvenience. It was horrendous and it was made worse by his mother pandering to him (he's 30)I did so much work with him and was making progress but each time his mum (who didn't live with him) would give in as she couldn't cope with the carry on when she was round and we'd end up right back at square one. He's cancelled all his support now as he prefers to not make any progress and wants continue treating him mum like he does as it suits him so I feel for you OP and hope you can get things to improve but you have to be strong and not pander to every whim to save the hassle.

Rainartist · 25/12/2021 17:37

[quote honeyandbutterontoast]@LakieLady
She hasn’t got that (I don’t think) although goodness knows she has a whole list of diagnoses so we could well add that to it at some point! But that is exactly what it’s like.

Well words have been said. She’s asked me when I’m going to change the watch, I’ve said I can’t, she’s said I’m punishing her for me getting the gift wrong and I’ve had to reiterate that I got what she asked for. So mega meltdown ensuing but I do feel that this once I am not at all in the wrong.[/quote]
Again mental health is not an excuse here.
You reiterate again and again, written down if necessary that you got what she asked for, there is no money for a replacement. It is there for evermore as a reminder of her behaviour.

There's no punishing going on by you if anything she is punishing EVERYONE else for things not going her way by acting as she does. Do NOT beat yourself up here you have done nothing wrong and tried to do something nice. I'm sorry she can't see that.

Cornettoninja · 25/12/2021 17:45

I agree with those saying it’s not right or fair that you DD’s reaction should be controlling of the atmosphere in the whole house, issues or not.

It’s so easy to slip from supporting into enabling and frankly you’re doing her no favours allowing her a pass from basic civility. She’s not going to find her mental health much better if she’s an unpleasant person to be around because she will be constantly aware of peoples wariness and uneasiness around her.

It’s disappointing for her that she got it wrong, but there’s literally no one to blame but herself and it’s not the end of the world; it’s certainly not an excuse to sour the whole event and make everyone else feel like shit.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 25/12/2021 17:52

I also think that ED is a particularly difficult mental illness and can control the whole family, many pp comparing it to other illnesses like GAD obviously have not had experience of ED.
This may be an opportunity op to have a think about changing your response of appeasement to try and prevent this behaviour. Have you had any therapy/counselling for yourself?

vixeyann · 25/12/2021 17:55

That would never have washed in my house growing up and I wouldn't accept it from my son now. I don't understand why you are blaming yourself for making an error and having to walk on eggshells.

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/12/2021 18:08

She sounds difficult to support. Knowing how she is with gifts it was silly to have the watch engraved, but like you say you’ve learned an expensive lesson. I agree that a shopping trip is in order next time.

HereticFanjo · 25/12/2021 18:19

I honestly don't know how you and younger daughter endure this.

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/12/2021 18:35

From now on, insist on specifics. Not a watch "like that one", but the exact one. No surprises for her. She's 19, she doesn't believe in Santa, and if she's going to have a day-ruining strop over a mistake don't leave anything to chance. Get confirmation on everything.

TedMullins · 25/12/2021 18:47

I think you’re being way too soft on her. Mental health issues are not a free pass to act like a complete dick, and I say that as someone with BPD. My mum would never have put up with such ungrateful behaviour.

LiterallyKnowsBest · 25/12/2021 18:49

@GatoradeMeBitch

From now on, insist on specifics. Not a watch "like that one", but the exact one. No surprises for her. She's 19, she doesn't believe in Santa, and if she's going to have a day-ruining strop over a mistake don't leave anything to chance. Get confirmation on everything.
Did you not read the OP?
thaegumathteth · 25/12/2021 18:54

Ugh OP you say lesson learned except you haven't. She's using her mental health as a stick to beat you and her sister with and you're allowing it

SeasonFinale · 25/12/2021 18:56

I am sorry but you show her the link she sent you and ask how this is the wrong present when it is the exact one she wanted.

Zwellers · 25/12/2021 18:58

You should tell her she's an ungrateful brats and is she happy she has ruined tbe day for you and her sister. Perhaps point out she sent you the link and it was over budget. Stop pandering to her. Why does she get to be so self centred and arrogant. I would take all gifts off her.

Zwellers · 25/12/2021 19:01

She's an adult. About time she started acting like one.

ejsmith99 · 25/12/2021 19:20

You haven't messed up. I had an ED at that age and surprises of any sort were totally overwhelming and could lead to tears (especially when much of Christmas is all about communal food) - but that isn't anyone's fault, it is how a starving brain reacts. If she was a polite, considerable girl before the ED kicked in that person is still in there somewhere

Longdistance · 25/12/2021 19:35

She may tell you all is well at her dads, but she’s probably thrown her toys out of her pram there too. That or she’s playing you.

Changechangychange · 25/12/2021 20:22

The fact she's gone to her dad's and has chosen to be happy there suggests that, for whatever reason, it's you she's choosing to punish

I think this is spot on. She is fine at Uni, fine at her dad’s, but you buy her something she specifically asked for and Christmas is ruined and it’s all your fault?

She’s doing this on purpose to punish you. What for, I have no idea. But this is definitely about her relationship with you, rather than what you actually bought her. There was no chance she’d have been happy with anything you got her. She’ll find a way to find fault with cash, vouchers or a shopping trip too (wrong vouchers, wanted a surprise not cash, etc etc),

Innocenta · 25/12/2021 20:50

@Shimmyshimmycocobop

I also think that ED is a particularly difficult mental illness and can control the whole family, many pp comparing it to other illnesses like GAD obviously have not had experience of ED. This may be an opportunity op to have a think about changing your response of appeasement to try and prevent this behaviour. Have you had any therapy/counselling for yourself?
Yes, exactly this. Elements of the dynamic are very recognisable to those who have experienced it, I think. Because EDs are so directly, immediately dangerous and because food / nourishing your family members (especially your children, even once grown up) is so primal, it really isn't a great comparison with some other MH issues. I appreciate the ED isn't the whole picture for this DD, but I can see how comorbids could just be complicating a very painful ED situation even further. Not easy for anyone, and it's exceptionally hard to stop 'enabling' when the threat of harm is so real and immediate.
oakleaffy · 25/12/2021 21:45

She sounds incredibly spoiled and pandered to.
Stop spoiling her and listening to her bratty nonsense, MH issues or not, there is no excuse for such abysmal behaviour in an adult child.

Patapouf · 25/12/2021 21:47

MH issues or not, she is a spoiled brat and pandering to her nonsense is what ruins Xmas, not her stops.

oakleaffy · 25/12/2021 21:58

@honeyandbutterontoast

7 years of private counselling! And yes definitely formal diagnoses. Drs and psychiatrists and Camhs and hospitals. Family therapy, cbt, etc etc etc. Endless appointments and books read.

And we do pander to it, it’s hard not to when over the years we have dealt with the horror of it all. But every now and then it flares like this and it’s hard to cope with.

She’s just messaged me from her dads and seems to be happy with everything there, lucky him!!

All that counselling clearly wasn't doing any good. Unless someone really wants to change, it can seemly make the person much worse. They need almost the opposite, a really strict place with boundaries, where she can't ruin people's Days and dictate the atmosphere with her moods and histrionics.
StFrancisdeCompostela · 25/12/2021 22:43

Why are you cross with yourself for not being more careful instead of being cross with your ungrateful cow of a daughter who has somehow not learned at NINETEEN to show some gratitude and appreciation?

She’s not a child who is a bit overwhelmed by the day. She’s more than old enough to be polite and say thank you and not ruin everyone’s day with her horrible entitlement.

I would be telling her you won’t be getting her any presents next year after a display like that.

OwlInLove · 25/12/2021 22:54

Ooh look - yet another disgusting thread where grown women spout vile things and name call a 19 year old young woman with many diagnosed MH conditions. And the OP bizarrely lets them.

I'm sure she is rude. And I'm sure she needs dealing with robustly. I'm also pretty sure calling her horrible names achieves nothing but making twatty posters on here somehow feel better about themselves

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