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Original poster

Messed up with DDs gift

212 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:17

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving Sad

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 25/12/2021 09:05

PS - my middle DD (10) is Autistic and I’ve just had to send her to her sensory tent because she’s getting overwhelmed and snarling at everyone. She will re-emerge in around an hour, perfectly happy, and my other DDs won’t have had their day wrecked.

inheritancetrack · 25/12/2021 09:06

Just give her money or a voucher next time. She can buy what she likes and has only herself to blame if it's wrong.

Lulu1919 · 25/12/2021 09:06

Oh dear ....that's rubbish
I know you say she has MH issues but this is just horrible behaviour from an adult ....especially as you bought her what she asked for .
I'd be very upset and I'd expect an apology and a bit of grovelling when she gets back from her Dads
Have a sit down ...have a cheeky tipple and breathe and KNOW you did get it right

Sonex · 25/12/2021 09:08

There's no excuse for this behaviour and I'm sorry but you are enabling it. mental health issues, from someone that is functioning well enough to attend university, is no excuse for this behaviour..yours and her sisters reaction, getting upset, letting it ruin everyone's day, it enabling it. You should just give her money from now on..she's an adult and what you have described is disgusting beahaviour, and I say that as someone that had severe OCD at her age.

duvetdayforeveryone · 25/12/2021 09:09

[quote honeyandbutterontoast]@LakieLady
She hasn’t got that (I don’t think) although goodness knows she has a whole list of diagnoses so we could well add that to it at some point! But that is exactly what it’s like.

Well words have been said. She’s asked me when I’m going to change the watch, I’ve said I can’t, she’s said I’m punishing her for me getting the gift wrong and I’ve had to reiterate that I got what she asked for. So mega meltdown ensuing but I do feel that this once I am not at all in the wrong.[/quote]
You should have send her to her room without talking to her. She can argue with herself.

TrashyPanda · 25/12/2021 09:10

she’s said I’m punishing her for me getting the gift wrong

Did you tell her that she is punishing you for her bad choice?

Lysianthus · 25/12/2021 09:11

OP I’m sorry it’s gone so badly. Can I suggest you show her the original request she made, and ask her to explain precisely what it is you got wrong? Perhaps she will back down when it’s clear as day that she can’t argue with HER request ?

drawacircleroundit · 25/12/2021 09:11

Vouchers won't be right. Money won't be right. Nothing OP will do will be right; it seems as if Christmas has become an outlet for that prickly, narcissistic self-pity that can be a feature of so many MH problems. What's she like on her birthday, OP? Do you get things right then (from her perspective)?

ThePoint678 · 25/12/2021 09:12

My DS had a reaction like this when he was about 4 and he got a stern talking to and has never repeated the behaviour. It’s time for her to grow up.

Hollyhead · 25/12/2021 09:13

At 19 she asked for the wrong thing so has to take responsibility. She’ll have to just sell it for whatever she can get.

Porfre · 25/12/2021 09:14

I think you need to have a think about how thing can be done differently.

I think it doesnt matter what you buy, the reaction will always be the same. So in some way you've got to break the pattern.

Whether it's just giving her vouchers/ cash in a card instead from now one.

I feel sorry for her sibling who has to sit through this everytime.

Tabbacus · 25/12/2021 09:14

@Sonex

There's no excuse for this behaviour and I'm sorry but you are enabling it. mental health issues, from someone that is functioning well enough to attend university, is no excuse for this behaviour..yours and her sisters reaction, getting upset, letting it ruin everyone's day, it enabling it. You should just give her money from now on..she's an adult and what you have described is disgusting beahaviour, and I say that as someone that had severe OCD at her age.
Yep absolutely.
Porfre · 25/12/2021 09:15

The other option is to just stop gifts all together.

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 09:15

Birthday isn’t so bad although still can have issues.

Christmas it’s the fact everyone else has gifts, so she has panicked about not getting the right gifts for others, plus everyone is expected to be happy and there’s the whole build up etc. She wants to be a little kid in a “proper” family again (which can’t happen!) and it all blends to make such stress. Yet she still wants gifts, decorations, traditions. Total contradiction but that’s what it’s like.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 25/12/2021 09:16

I have a niece who displays similar behaviours. Her main diagnosis is EUPD but she has some other things going on as well.

Definitely, but as with other conditions where changes in routine, surprises and disappointments can trigger extreme reactions, there are ways to prepare and plan for this and still consequences to put in place for bad behaviour.
Sounds like the OP and her family haven't done that if she's been stressing over her DD's reaction for weeks.

zen1 · 25/12/2021 09:16

It sounds like you and your younger DD tread on eggshells for fear of upsetting her (you say you have both been worrying about this for weeks). You need to take yours and her MH into consideration as well. She is gaslighting you about getting the gift wrong which is not acceptable.

2reefsin30knots · 25/12/2021 09:17

I'd just let her meltdown and get it out of her system. Chances are it's the Christmas meltdown and something else would have triggered it had it not been the gifts.

Maybe rethink how Christmas is for her next year- be that no gifts/ pre-seen gifts and/or much lower key expectations for her in general. Perhaps she opens her gifts in her room away from family and only re-joins you later when she has dealt with her emotions. Just enjoy your Christmas traditions with your other DD.

I think at another time you have to be open with her that it is not working for any of you and plan to make it better.

username1293948 · 25/12/2021 09:18

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

She soubds like Dudley dursley!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Limer · 25/12/2021 09:19

Mental health issues don't excuse or explain her behaviour at all. She's ungrateful and mean, lashing out at you when it was her own mistake!

You've done nothing wrong, so stop feeling guilty!

And yes, now she's an adult it's time to dial down on the gifts anyway.

k1233 · 25/12/2021 09:19

If it's an expensive watch, is it possible to replace the casing and return it? It might be worth a call or email to where you bought it from. May cost but better than the watch sitting in a drawer forever.

shinynewapple21 · 25/12/2021 09:19

I'm sure you've already worked this out, but another time don't get anything engraved. It would have been so easy to return without that .

Anyway - hope you all manage to have a good day.

traka · 25/12/2021 09:20

19?

She's sounds about five. She needs to grow up

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 09:21

I know. It was the engraving that messed it up. But it seemed like the perfect touch to the exact item she had said she wanted. Kicking myself now as I could have sent it straight back and found another one.

Lesson most definitely learnt!!

OP posts:
username1293948 · 25/12/2021 09:22

I wouldn’t replace the watch, but do try and get your money back. If you do get her a replacement you’re showing her that she gets her own way by throwing a fit. Appealing behaviour and the fact that you haven’t put your foot down so that your other daughters Christmas isn’t ruined says a lot.

MenopauseSucks · 25/12/2021 09:22

What sort of MH issues does she have? Some sort of personality disorder?

To cynical me, she sounds like she's being a little madam. Treat her as you would deal with your younger child, no pandering or tiptoeing around & it'll do her the world of good to be treated normally.

And I say that as a lifelong sufferer that has been sectioned, spent a lot of my adult life living in psychiatric clinics & had a lot of ECT...