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Original poster

Messed up with DDs gift

212 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:17

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving Sad

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 25/12/2021 13:44

You've had enough messages telling you she's an ungrateful little madam. It's true but you know it and don't need to keep hearing it. The fact she's gone to her dad's and has chosen to be happy there suggests that, for whatever reason, it's you she's choosing to punish.

I think you need to manage your own expectations differently next year. Don't ask what she wants and don't make any effort trying to make something perfect. Just a small Amazon voucher and a stocking with soap, toothbrush, whatever.

Katela18 · 25/12/2021 13:54

Sorry....so your ADULT daughter got given exactly what she asked for....then threw a strop????

Wow....presumably she will be the one apologising to everyone for ruining Christmas? Please do not pander to this awful behaviour its frankly embarrassing.

Did she get you the perfect gift?????? I'd certainly hope so

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 25/12/2021 14:01

Tie a piece of tinsel around your shoe and give her a swift festive kick up the arse.

Porfre · 25/12/2021 14:01

I think part of the problem is- you want Christmas to be perfect.

That's a lot of pressure for you and your kids.
Less pressure is better. I understand you want it to be special but trying to make it perfect is just setting yourself to fail.

You need to relax and unfortunately expect that no matter what you buy there will be a tantrum anyway.

Porfre · 25/12/2021 14:01

@Porfre

I think part of the problem is- you want Christmas to be perfect.

That's a lot of pressure for you and your kids.
Less pressure is better. I understand you want it to be special but trying to make it perfect is just setting yourself to fail.

You need to relax and unfortunately expect that no matter what you buy there will be a tantrum anyway.

It can still be a special day even if it wasnt perfect
NorthSouthcatlady · 25/12/2021 14:10

Brat. Is the entire family always held to ransom by her moods? If so, maybe this is the time to stop that. She got what she asked for?!

@Tabbacus I’m not sure of that diagnoses either? Despite having a degree in mental health nursing and 11 years working in mental health Confused

RhubarbFairy · 25/12/2021 14:11

Was it an Olivia Burton one? I was desperate for one until I looked at them in person. They were so chunky I went right off them.

Sending Flowers your way. I fuck up DHs present every year. Including this year. He's impossible to buy for and admits himself that he doesn't know what he wants. I'm going to tell him later that going forward - no list, no gift because it feels shit to know you got it wrong despite thinking carefully and trying hard to get right. Adults are old enough to not need surprises if they are so damn picky.

Let her get on with it there and enjoy the peace and lack of drama for the rest of the day.

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 25/12/2021 14:26

A great Christmas gift for her would be to teach her that in the real world, past uni, hardly anyone will give a stuff about her issues.

The more bad behaviour she displays ( it does sound like even manipulative behaviour-setting you up to fail and then messaging you about how great it is at dad's.) then the lonelier she will become.

You can begin teaching her by ignoring her when she comes home until she apologises. If she doesn't apologise, then just carry on ignoring her. You are doing her no favours for later life by pandering to this.

Be wearing the watch when she come home.

Holbrook9 · 25/12/2021 14:53

You definitely need to change the way you do Christmas. Shopping together or vouchers. And the behaviour, well, that's a separate issue.

LovePoppy · 25/12/2021 14:59

No matter what you’d done she’d have found a way to ruin it

Stop letting her ruin her sisters events. Your other daughter will come to resent you

ChiefStockingStuffer · 25/12/2021 15:08

@TrashyPanda

From your last post It sounds like she can switch her tantrums on and off.

She knows she has the power to hurt you and her sister, and she choses to do that.

Like her ED, it’s all about control. And it’s highly manipulative.

Spot on. Something has to change on your end; she's loving the drama and grief she's causing you by the sound of it. Hence the pointed flounce to dad's with the 'he got it all right' loud and clear message. She's trying to hurt you. Ignore!
RunningFromInsanity · 25/12/2021 15:12

Fuck that, she can have £50 in an envelope next year.
Outrageous and insulting to blame it on MH issues tbh

esloquehay · 25/12/2021 15:37

This reply has been deleted

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GrannytoaUnicorn · 25/12/2021 15:52

@honeyandbutterontoast

They will be fine at their dads but yes this will happen too I expect. Her sister was upset much like I was because she knew about the gift and that it might not go well.

And no there aren’t MH issues specifically for Christmas, this can happen any day (wrong variety of apple, something put back in the wrong place etc etc) and result in the same kind of meltdown. Just somehow things seem worse on special days.

Yes she is at uni, and managed to hold it together all term at massive detriment to her MH. So it was always going to be a difficult day, I’m just glad I haven’t got to deal with Christmas dinner too…!

Sounds like Autism?
AmyDudley · 25/12/2021 16:03

It doesn;t matter what you do - she will behave the same way. For some reason she wants to 'ruin' Christmas for you. I don't know whether that is because of her mental health problems, or maybe because she has a major problem with receiving gifts and can;t cope with it or whether she is just being mean.
But - You bought the present she asked for, the exact thing - so she couldn't say you had got it wrong so she said she hated it. There is nothing more 'right' you could have done.
She strops off making sure she has upset you and her sister, then she goes to her Dad's and in the knowledge that you are upset, she texts to tell you everything is wonderful at her Dads. That is deliberate. She hurts you then rubs your nose in it.
I don;t know wha type f mental illness she has - I know MH problems can make people behave in a way that is very very hard for those who love them to deal with. But you need to not get involved in her game. While you react to this she has achieved her aim. So you have to not react. I would tell her calmly when you next see her that you weren;t impressed with her behaviour and form now on it will be money as nothing seems to satisfy her. Then if she complains about receiving monet then shrug and say ' well you didn;t like gifts so money it is'. Don;t let her spoil yours and your other DD's Christmas, detach from her behaviour, if it goes on in the background so be it, but you carry on with your celebrations and she can join in or strop but she doesn;t get to dictate that everyone will have alousy day.
Please don;t sit an cry on your own, pour yourself a large drink, accept that her behaviour is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and watch something you enjoy on the telly. Don;t let your day be all about her.

Doggydoodah123 · 25/12/2021 16:04

YOU didn't mess up dd's present. She chose something and it wasn't what she thought it would be so while that's unfortunate it's all on her. Stop making excuses for her behaviour, it just enables her to carry on being a little madam. Time to put your foot down and tell her how ungrateful she is.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 25/12/2021 16:05

Ffs she deserves a lump of coal next year

NettleTea · 25/12/2021 16:16

I have a feeling I know who you are and if I do I understand how difficult it has all been. Huge hugs to you all and take care of each other.
I agree that the pressure is the problem, the need for it to be perfect, but knowing it wont and waiting for it to all overspill - for all of you. Its like waiting for any reason for the fuse to be lit and for it all to explode.

I wonder if creating some new traditions would help, rather than harking back to what was - because really - what was was never really that great was it (and sorry if you are not who I think you are, but it may still be relevent)

and I fully understand the fear of not wanting to risk her going off the rails given where those rails took her in the past - however she does know how to behave and her behaviour to you is not being addressed here, because she doesnt behave like it at uni, its just you she feels safe enough to do it to.

Perhaps now she is refusing therapy, you could get some for yourself, to help you cope with it all, and to learn how to change your approach moving forwards, and to not carry the guilt and the burden of her illness. You know that it wasnt your fault.

Theunamedcat · 25/12/2021 16:55

Is the back engraved? See if you can get a new back plate and sell it try and recoup your loss

Re the comment about her dad "getting it right" perhaps you should point out that she got EXACTLY what she asked for the only person "to blame" is herself and next time it will be cash sign off with I love you shut your phone off and live your own life till tomorrow

Inthesameboatatmo · 25/12/2021 16:56

She would be getting absolutely nothing from me next year and I would be taking back what I got her this year . SHE'S 19 !!!! Stop pandering to the spoilt brat . Some people never cease to amaze
me honestly.

stayathomer · 25/12/2021 17:01

I see you said she has mh issues. This year will have to be spent going back to basics and teaching her about managing expectations and enjoying the little things about Christmas. Hope you have a nice evening OP. Never blame yourself for somebody else's reactions, this is nothing to do with presents or lists

AuntMargo · 25/12/2021 17:03

Spoilt little brat !!! She sounds an incredibly selfish immature 19yr old !

AuntMargo · 25/12/2021 17:06

Stop using her mental health as an excuse for her appalling behaviour.

AngelsEyeball · 25/12/2021 17:18

Give her money and let her spend it. Easier than second guessing

Nailsbythesea · 25/12/2021 17:20

@Roadhouse111

And as for the MH thing, this does not entitle to act this way, everyone has or knows someone with issues myself included, but it's no excuse, especially if she's not willing to do anything about it
Exactly - two with autism here and they do not behave like this