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Original poster

Messed up with DDs gift

212 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:17

Am so cross with myself.

DD19 is notoriously fussy with gifts. Every year there is something she hates and the result is Christmas pretty much ruined.

So this year I asked for an exact list from her so we could all enjoy the day! One of the items was a watch, she sent a link to the watch she wanted and also said it could be one like that.

Watch was over budget really but I thought best to get the one she linked to. Because it was a special gift I paid a bit extra to get it engraved. As soon as it arrived I knew she would hate it as it was chunky. I stupidly hadn’t done a ton of research on it as I just thought I would get the one she wanted.

She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful, although I’m not sure what else I could have done? And of course it can’t be returned because of the engraving Sad

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 25/12/2021 08:45

She soubds like Dudley dursley!

Staryflight445 · 25/12/2021 08:45

‘ She hates it. Has gone off in a strop midway gift opening. Her sister is crying. I’m cross with myself for not being more careful’

How dare she. The rest of the presents she hasn’t opened would be bloody gone.
She’s 19 op. Wake up.

RoastedParsnips · 25/12/2021 08:47

MH issues is no excuse for her behaviour. She's being a spoilt brat. Don't bother in future. Nothing you get her will be right.

MonicaGellerBing · 25/12/2021 08:48

Take the watch off her and tell her to stay in her room until she can grow up. Ffs she's 19 not 9. What a horrible brat

OrinoccoFlew · 25/12/2021 08:49

19 and gone off in a strip? What an ungrateful little so and so.

NynaeveSedai · 25/12/2021 08:49

she was a perfectly nice kid before she got ill and I know this kind of overreaction to things is part of her illness but you said this happens every year? How long has she been ill for?
I think you don't challenge her behaviour because she's ill. I think you need some professional guidance on how to implement boundaries safely with a person with her condition as letting her get away with this behaviour is not good parenting.

OrinoccoFlew · 25/12/2021 08:49

Strop*

chaosrabbitland · 25/12/2021 08:49

she wanted that one and you got it for her , its really spoilt bad behaviour to strop like that , and she may have mental health issues , but shes just made you feel like you have somehow screwed up and her sister cry , its not on to ruin the start of christmas day for her family , she really needs to be gratefull she got the expensive gift she wanted .

i wouldnt be putting up with this attitude and there would be some stiff words getting spoken

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 08:50

They will be fine at their dads but yes this will happen too I expect. Her sister was upset much like I was because she knew about the gift and that it might not go well.

And no there aren’t MH issues specifically for Christmas, this can happen any day (wrong variety of apple, something put back in the wrong place etc etc) and result in the same kind of meltdown. Just somehow things seem worse on special days.

Yes she is at uni, and managed to hold it together all term at massive detriment to her MH. So it was always going to be a difficult day, I’m just glad I haven’t got to deal with Christmas dinner too…!

OP posts:
Hotyogahotchoc · 25/12/2021 08:50

Don't be annoyed at yourself
Teach get that's not how you react if you don't like a gift!

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 25/12/2021 08:51

Why are you pandering to a 19 year acting like a spoilt 5 year old? My autistic 8 year old didn't act like that and he got nothing off his wish list.

RoastedParsnips · 25/12/2021 08:51

@honeyandbutterontoast

They will be fine at their dads but yes this will happen too I expect. Her sister was upset much like I was because she knew about the gift and that it might not go well.

And no there aren’t MH issues specifically for Christmas, this can happen any day (wrong variety of apple, something put back in the wrong place etc etc) and result in the same kind of meltdown. Just somehow things seem worse on special days.

Yes she is at uni, and managed to hold it together all term at massive detriment to her MH. So it was always going to be a difficult day, I’m just glad I haven’t got to deal with Christmas dinner too…!

Please stop excusing her behaviour with mental health. It's nothing to do with her mental health, she's spoilt and has a bad attitude. You need to nip it in the bud before it's to late.
LiterallyKnowsBest · 25/12/2021 08:53

not good parenting

Really, it’s too late for effective parenting now …

Forget cosy shopping trips. Forget vouchers - trust me, wherever you got them from would be the wrong place!

In future make no effort whatsoever. Money transferred to her account on Christmas morning should be all you do.

Honestly, if you don’t put your foot down you could face decades of this.

1AngelicFruitCake · 25/12/2021 08:55

I’ve got to say OP I was a brat at Christmas even as a young adult 😱 I’m a nice person honestly but I always got so disappointed and jealous of my siblings gifts. The only thing that cured me was meeting my DH and him being appalled at what a brat I was being and being very harsh with me if he saw me do it. I was early 20s at the time (so embarrassing!) but he shamed me into stopping. One of my children acts a bit like me and I don’t stand for it for her own good!

NynaeveSedai · 25/12/2021 08:56

@LiterallyKnowsBest

not good parenting

Really, it’s too late for effective parenting now …

Forget cosy shopping trips. Forget vouchers - trust me, wherever you got them from would be the wrong place!

In future make no effort whatsoever. Money transferred to her account on Christmas morning should be all you do.

Honestly, if you don’t put your foot down you could face decades of this.

Yes, but they have clearly been doing this for years. She's not too old for some behaviour change, whether you call it parenting or not.
2reefsin30knots · 25/12/2021 08:57

@ilovebagpuss

Yes it’s not ideal behaviour even with MH issues. Perhaps next year you could go together for the special gift and choose it and then put it away for Christmas Day. We did this with a Pandora bracelet this year not for your reasons but I did want my DD to be able to choose the style etc. Perhaps the whole thing overwhelms your DD and knowing what she has chosen and that it is ready wrapped will take that stress off.
I agree with this- not everybody does well with presents.

My DS is a lovely boy and very grateful for everything he has but we noticed really early on that gifts make him very anxious. When he was very little we didn't wrap his gifts at all- just put them under the tree. Last year he had a gaming PC. We got it all out of the boxes so he could look at it before Christmas, then put it back and wrapped it up. This year we shopped online together and have had to keep going back to his list to check over what he will be having so this morning definitely did not involve any surprises although he hadn't actually directly seen his things.

This way he can relax and is always thrilled with his presents BECAUSE he knows exactly what they are.

Hotyogahotchoc · 25/12/2021 08:58

Yes, but they have clearly been doing this for years. She's not too old for some behaviour change, whether you call it parenting or not.

I agree. She's old enough to be simply told we tried to do something nice and you will get nothing if this is how you will react!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 25/12/2021 08:59

Sorry OP, but no.

MH issues or not, this is fucking appealing behaviour and I seriously hope you’ve told her so.

Your poor other daughter - having her Christmas Days hinge on her sisters reaction to gifts - fucking awful for her. My sympathy lies with her.

And this comment comes from someone with ADHD and CPTSD, who’s medicated up to my eyeballs.

LakieLady · 25/12/2021 08:59

@NynaeveSedai

What kind of mental health issues lead to this behaviour? Are you sure you haven't pandered to the behaviour because of the mental health issues rather than them being a cause of it?
I have a niece who displays similar behaviours. Her main diagnosis is EUPD but she has some other things going on as well.

She cannot handle any sort of disappointment of difficulty whatsoever, it always leads to a meltdown and she always tries to make it someone else's fault. She's 24, and seems to be getting worse.

TrashyPanda · 25/12/2021 09:01

We could have had a watch shopping trip and that would have taken all of the stress out of it

I am almost certain that trip would be anything but stress less.

Does she acknowledge she ruins things for everyone with her behaviour?

It sounds like she knows exactly how to control you.

caringcarer · 25/12/2021 09:03

You did not get it wrong op your dd is way out of order. In future just give her cash and tell her to buy her own present. She has no right to spoil Xmas for the rest of you.

Ilovesandwiches · 25/12/2021 09:03

This isn’t your fault, you haven’t ruined Christmas, she has.

Babyghirl · 25/12/2021 09:04

@honeyandbutterontoast
Sorry your dealing with this op, but please don't blame yourself this is not your fault mh issues or not it's not an excuse to get on like a spoilt toddler, she sent you the link to the one she wanted so tell her to take her strop out on herself, also tell her to keep herself in her room as she is not ruining everone else's day again.

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 25/12/2021 09:04

@LakieLady
She hasn’t got that (I don’t think) although goodness knows she has a whole list of diagnoses so we could well add that to it at some point! But that is exactly what it’s like.

Well words have been said. She’s asked me when I’m going to change the watch, I’ve said I can’t, she’s said I’m punishing her for me getting the gift wrong and I’ve had to reiterate that I got what she asked for. So mega meltdown ensuing but I do feel that this once I am not at all in the wrong.

OP posts:
LiterallyKnowsBest · 25/12/2021 09:04

If the daughter genuinely has a condition that make receiving presents stressful, it’s all the more reason for the OP and family to stop giving her presents.

It’s just not acceptable for the OP and the other daughter to be crying every Christmas - they need to try a different way of handling things, which may mean recognising that traditional present giving causes misery and needs to cease with the other daughter.

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