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Christmas

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Original poster

How do I make it look like I have more presents than I do?

217 replies

FakingItForHer · 10/12/2021 14:38

Single parent to a 7yo DD.

ExH never takes DD shopping for presents for me, so I get nothing.

Mum has said she can’t afford anything for me, has bought DD a small something.

My brother doesn’t buy for anyone.

My granddad has given me some money to get myself a present so I’ve bought myself a Fire Stick (I wanted one) and a posh box of chocolates, these are wrapped up under my granddads tree as I’ll go to his house for lunch.

My dad has got me a couple of small bits. And I have a stocking which has some smarties and a bath bomb so far.

But that’s it.

My best friend and I do Christmas 2.0 on New Years Eve and she will spoil me and DD but it’s our tradition which we love after a busy family Christmas (and I always look forward to it as does BF so can’t change it).

My extended family (aunts, uncles etc) only buy for children so I only buy for theirs so no presents there.

So it looks like I might have nothing much to open. I obviously want to show DD that we don’t give to receive but she is going to be heartbroken to think I get very little at Christmas.

So basically I want to fake it. Because I’m not bothered about the presents really as long as DD has a lovely time and goes to her dads (2pm Christmas Day) happy and oblivious. I much prefer seeing the magic for DD and enjoying the day with my family, but DD loves giving presents and will want me to be happy she always says I'm the best mum in the world and I should be very very very happy and she doesn't like me sad

So suggestions to fake Christmas?

OP posts:
Nomorefuckstogive · 10/12/2021 21:45

As a child, my mum and dad only had gifts from my brother and me. We thought that was normal & that once you are a grown up, you buy your own stuff. Father Christmas only comes to children.

Dandelionsss · 10/12/2021 21:48

Bloody hell, I get nothing, ever! I'm a single parent, my mum doesn't bother and I don't have any other family. Christmas is for kids, as long as they have things to open that's enough

OrlaPeely · 10/12/2021 21:52

Sorry if this has already been said, but I saw a lovely idea for single parents last year. You buy some things for you, and put them with wrapping paper in your DD's room with a note from the elves, asking her to wrap and hide your gifts until Christmas when she can give them to you. I thought it was a lovely way to involve the kids and make it special for everyone, especially as the parent gets to see how happy they are to give them to you!

Jewel52 · 10/12/2021 22:48

@Floralnomad

She’s 7 , that’s quite old enough for her to understand that you will get your presents when you go to Grandads the same as she will get presents when she goes to her dads . Stop being ridiculous .
“Stop being ridiculous” There are constructive ways of disagreeing with her perspective without resorting to this.
Confuuuzed · 10/12/2021 22:53

No further suggestions beyond the ones already made, but just wanted to add another post demonstrating empathy & experience of your situation. Its frustrating to read so many posts that refer to DPs/DHs and childREN where the posters clearly dont understand the different dynamic in a household of 2. My Dd is very similar - its not about you recieving a huge piles of presents, its about them wanting you to share the experience of joy/excitement in opening a few gifts. And given we get so much happiness watching them open theirs (and may well tell them that) its hardly suprising they may want a bit of time in that position too! I hope you both have a lovely Christmas OP.

CherryPieface · 10/12/2021 22:56

When I was a kid I don’t think I gave a thought to what my parents got for Christmas! Too excited about my own pressies.

Stopsnowing · 10/12/2021 22:58

I am in a similar position but honestly my kids don’t care. I think it important not to fake it. Presents are not the be all and end all.

VioletPetals · 10/12/2021 22:59

I had this issue when DS was young.

I had no presents to open and DS was very aware of it so I would go to shops like Poundland and home bargains and buy myself a few cheaper gifts to wrap and open for his sake.
He definitely got a lot of joy out of bringing them to me and watching me open them and be happy with the gift.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 23:01

Isn’t this the case for most single parents? My ex is absent so no one gets the kids gifts from me, you could always take your child shopping to pick you some gifts I think you’re really overthinking this though!

TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 23:02

For me*

Just10moreminutesplease · 10/12/2021 23:04

I mean this kindly, but are you sure she will care?

My mum was a single mum and I don’t think I ever noticed that she didn’t have many presents under the tree (as an adult I know that she asks for money for clothes from family, but I didn’t know that at the time I don’t think). My auntie did take us to get a gift from me and Dsis, but that would only be one small thing to open…

As far as I can remember I just thought Santa brought children gifts!

CherryRedDMs · 10/12/2021 23:05

It’s odd that posters are saying she won’t notice or care when she already noticed and cared last year.
She sounds like a lovely little girl.
I don’t think you can do a huge jump from 2 to loads of presents, but perhaps underwear, socks, book etc would work.
Someone should set up a single parent secret santa.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 23:05

Thinking about it more this is so odd, I might get myself a coffee machine this year... might, that’s all, it’s never occurred to me my kids would be upset not seeing me opening loads of presents! I thought that’s what kids do on Xmas most adults only get a couple of gifts single or not

Jewel52 · 10/12/2021 23:25

@WombatChocolate

In our family, even with a Christmas Day with lots of people there, adults often have less than 5 presents to open. Quantity of gifts just isn’t a thing for the adults. The kids have more, but we dont go in for vast piles.

No-one is sad. We’re grown ups and don’t need lots of presents to have a good day.

I understand that you’re more sensitive to this, because of your context. Quite often, when people have less people in their life or there with them on Christmas Day, the amount of presents becomes a bigger deal and feels like it represents something about how loved or valued they are. It doesn’t at all….and it’s so important you remember that and that message comes across to your child too. You don’t neeed to be sad about having few presents, nor your DD to feel sad on your behalf. And the reality is that she will only feel like that if you have either explicitly or less explicitly shown her that’s how you feel.

Your worth and value is not shown by how many gifts you get or how much money is spent on you. I can understand people feeling a bit sad about not having people around them over cHristmas, but not about the size if their gift pile when they are adults.

I find it a bit immature and quite tasteless when adults need to boast to friends or on Facebook etc about what their spouse has got them or spent on themfor Christmas or Valentines Day or Birthday, or to discuss or show pics of their piles of presents. It’s the behaviour of small children before they’ve grown up even a little bit.

You’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head. I suspect this post is more about the op’s ambivalence over not providing her dd with the perfect family setup and this is heightened over Christmas. Really our own version is enough
TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 23:28

I definitely think the op is more feeling sorry for herself like another poster mentioned, I was a child of a single mum, it never even occurred to me to be interested about what she got for Xmas which was nothing, but I only realised this from reading this thread, as a child I didn’t register it, most kids won’t,
Maybe the child is upset because she’s picking up on the ops own feelings about it.

Confuuuzed · 10/12/2021 23:41

Actually I forgot, I do have a suggestion. Like you, we both have a stocking from Santa (other presents come from the gifter) however I do put a few "mystery" gifts under the tree. They come in the same paper as any wrapped stocking gifts & no 'from' name. Theres usually one named one each (an appropriate book or jigsaw) and a couple completely unlabelled/to both of us (game, tin of biscuits). This could be done v cheaply or maybe even by juggling things you already have, but might help her feel like you were doing a bit more opening.

seven201 · 10/12/2021 23:53

I think two presents is probably what I'm going to get. If my dd asks I'll just explain that Christmas is a bigger present deal for kids and that I'm very happy just watching her open her presents. I think this is a bit of an educational moment, not one that you should fake.

irregularegular · 10/12/2021 23:58

I honestly don't think she will think anything of it. She will only think you have too little if you give that impression. It is also usual for adults to receive less than children at Xmas.

However, it might be nice for her to choose you something. Would your mother or a friend take her shopping for you? You could give them a small amount to spend.

I think "faking it" would be pointless and just set you up for difficulties either now or in future years.

irregularegular · 11/12/2021 00:02

Or encourage her to make you a present - even just a special drawing - if you don't want to spend money or can't ask anyone to take her shopping.

irregularegular · 11/12/2021 00:04

If you buy and yourself presents as you and others have suggested, who are you going to say they are from???

thaegumathteth · 11/12/2021 00:09

I think I'd focus on making sure she understands that adults don't need a lot of presents. We are comfortably off, dh is here Etc but we still don't get loads of presents to open.

If I were you I'd probably buy an A4 frame and give her some paper and pens Etc and tell her what you really really want is a drawing she's done put in the frame and wrapped up for Xmas.

Babyghirl · 11/12/2021 00:17

@FakingitForHer
Can you give your dm money to take your dd out to buy you a few gifts from her to wrap up maybe if you have it.

Marvellousmadness · 11/12/2021 00:41

Teach your kid that Christmas is about love and about being loved. And about being grateful. Why Teach them that it is about consumerism.

Buy 1 nice thing. Spend Christmas 2.0 watching a favourite movie on tv whilst in pyjamas and eating popcorn. Those memories will last a life time. Bags full of junk toys dont. Quality over quantity!

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 11/12/2021 00:44

Zodlebud
In our house we live our live through experiences not things.

So write down six things you want to do in 2022 with your daughter (e.g. go to the cinema, go to the ice cream parlour and buy the biggest sundae there, buy a book and spend x amount of time reading it per day, treat yourself to an at home spar evening etc) put them each in their own box and wrap them up. Nothing needs to be an expensive experience and you are hopefully able to put aside a small amount each week to pay for them so you don’t get a big hit.

You can then get planning dates with your daughter and put them in the calendar, proving to her that it’s not the presents but each other’s presence that’s important.

It's very sweet of your DD to want to make sure you can also join in the Christmas joy, Zodlebud has a great idea, above.

NatriumChloride · 11/12/2021 00:51

@MalbecandToast

But two presents is fine for an adult? Instead of all this hand-wringing maybe just explain to her that christmas is not about presents for adults and that you absolutely don't need any so she doesn't need to worry? She will only react in response to your reaction OP so you can sort this quite easily.
100% this! Sorry OP but it sounds like you’re wallowing in a self induced pity party. It will only be an issue for your DD if you make it one. Maybe now is a good time to take the opportunity to teach her that Christmas is not all about presents, it’s about being happy and spending it with people you love and giving to charity and helping others. Send the message that Christmas is not all about being materialistic and having lots of “stuff” to open - at least not for grown ups.