Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:14

Sorry for the poor grammar.

OP posts:
StormyTeacups · 10/12/2021 12:16

Is it a big deal? Why not add her? And other spouses too if needs be.

LegoPandemic · 10/12/2021 12:16

You open a dialogue with your siblings- you either add all your partners or none IMO.

DSGR · 10/12/2021 12:17

I can’t set him why you wouldn’t add partners to secret Santa? It seems so mean to exclude her (and everyone else’s partners). It’s cheap anyway if it’s secret Santa?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/12/2021 12:17

If you add her now then will everyone need to redraw names?

hotmeatymilk · 10/12/2021 12:17

Just add her as she obviously wants to take part. Add the other spouses/partners if they want, or not.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/12/2021 12:18

I would consider a married spouse of my sibling to be a family member, and would find it odd not to include them.

Passthecake30 · 10/12/2021 12:18

I think if it means that much to them, she should be included. However, they might draw out each other?

RedRobin100 · 10/12/2021 12:20

Open it up to include all partners. Why not?

Talipesmum · 10/12/2021 12:21

Would you otherwise not be giving her a gift? If you’re getting her something anyway, then that ought to be fine - but if it’s secret Santa or nothing, it seems a bit mean not to include partners.

OneWildNightWithJBJ · 10/12/2021 12:22

It's odd not to include partners really.

hotmeatymilk · 10/12/2021 12:23

@Passthecake30 Still a secret though. Our greatest family secret Santa was when my mother misunderstood… everything, and consequently everyone drew themselves and got themselves a perfect gift. And completely failed to manage a convincing “What a surprise!” reaction Grin

FabriqueBelgique · 10/12/2021 12:23

I get what you mean, it changes the whole dynamics.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 10/12/2021 12:24

Tell him that's fine but as the siblings have all drawn names now you will leave it to him to organise the drawing of all the partners names, it's then up to him to either get it organised or not.

Kitkat151 · 10/12/2021 12:24

Surely she is family as well?

NewbieAlert · 10/12/2021 12:28

Just say no one else’s spouse is included and it’s him only or neither of them.

CorpusCallosum · 10/12/2021 12:30

Ask your siblings if they're happy to add her & other partners.

If it's a no say sorry, it's got a bit late (& blame your DBro for that!) but you DEFINITELY WILL include her next year. Sounds like he and she want her to feel part of the family so it's just mean not to really.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/12/2021 12:37

why wouldnt you add

its still one pressie you buy for

smashingbaubles · 10/12/2021 12:39

Why wouldn't you add partners? They're part of the family too. I think it's childish to still be doing things exclusively as a sibling group if some of you are in LTR's.

Notonthestairs · 10/12/2021 12:41

I think it's worth being a little bit flexible about something like Secret Santa. I can't see the harm in adding a few more names. Maybe it will be a way of getting to know each other better?

sillysmiles · 10/12/2021 12:41

they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife

You know that works both ways, don't you?
What's to be gained by being deliberately so hostile to family? Why not ask the other partners/spouses if they want to be included?

Outlyingtrout · 10/12/2021 12:42

Seems strange to me that you wouldn’t already include partners and spouses, but I suppose every family has its own dynamics.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it but I also wouldn’t do all the rearranging to accommodate his request. Just tell him it’s fine by you but he needs to send a group message to check with everyone else as the names were drawn a week ago and people may have already bought gifts. He also needs to give people the opportunity to include their partners as well and organise another name draw. Tell him if he doesn’t do any rearranging it’ll just go ahead as already planned. The ball is in his court then.

Outlyingtrout · 10/12/2021 12:43

Also, you say you don’t really know her - maybe that’s because you don’t include spouses and partners in stuff like this. You obviously don’t view them as part of the family.

Floralnomad · 10/12/2021 12:47

I don’t get this at all , surely if someone has married into your family then they are family so get bought a Christmas present or get included in whatever scheme your family run . I can’t imagine buying just for my sister but not her husband or receiving a gift from my sister whilst my husband gets nothing - bizarre .

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/12/2021 12:48

Your brother is annoying for not participating sooner, but I think its great that he's standing up for his wife. He sees her as part of the family, why would anyone argue with that. Maybe its time all partners were included.
Think carefully about refusing and how he will interpret what it says about your attitude to both of them.
And what it will feel like when you all open your secret santas at the next family gathering and she is left out.