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Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 22:38

@mam0918 sorry how do you know what the hosts, or party guests thought ?

OP posts:
Moon22 · 11/12/2021 23:00

If it's already done and it's just your own siblings I don't see the big deal. Tell your brother you'll keep the SS for the original 6 but he can easily set up another that includes more people if he wants. It's only a bit of fun.

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 23:35

@Moon22 I have rearranged it so we have all drawn names again and included SIL, but we are still waiting for him to draw a name Hmm everyone else has, since yesterday including his wife! I’m giving him till tomorrow to draw a name.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2021 00:25

[quote profedemates]@AcrossthePond55 I have not actually considered this, not sure how to deal with that potentially being a reason. My youngest brother once bumped into him at a bar, he was with his work colleagues, and acted like he barely knew him, didn’t introduce him to any of his colleagues, just said hi, and walked off. Confused

@Snowmanuel I’m genuinely baffled why people have to make comments with such an attitude, this is supposed to be an outlet, for us all to bitch about sometimes important things, other times trivial. I don’t understand why dissenting comments have to be so accusatory or judgemental Confused[/quote]
I don't know if there is any way to deal with it, other than to just decide that it is what it is. Because it's nothing that you are doing, it's what your brother is doing or not doing. And you cannot control that, just your reaction to it.

It was very painful for my friend and her parents, to the point where they pretty much stopped initiating contact with that sibling. I think they finally found the rejection of 'who the family is' to be more than they wanted to deal with. One of the other siblings tries to keep in communication, but it's pretty much like with your brother, basically one-sided and a bit 'forced'.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/12/2021 09:45

@KindChick

I’ve not read this right to the end but you sound incredibly immature and also it sounds like a little gang up against your brother by the rest of you. It’s Secret Santa not some huge dilema, crisis or problem to be solved.
It sounds like you would benefit from reading comprehension lessons.

Honestly this thread is another cancel the cheque. There is even an option to read just the OPs posts.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/12/2021 09:45

@Snowmanuel

Can some posters not read? Or do they choose not to arse themselves with reading the OP’s posts? Or do they just want to be dicks?

It’s rife on here. So which is it? Stupid or spiteful?

Both.
Alwayscheerful · 12/12/2021 13:20

Are you not curious to see your brothers house?
Even if it is only via a drive by viewing. As an internet stranger I find myself wondering if he lives In a gated mansion with every conceivable luxury or he is just delaying an invitation until he gets around to jet washing the block paving Or cleaning the windows.
DB is embarrassed about his house or embarrassed about his family or possibly a combination of the two.
You sound lovely, your dS in law doesn't seem to be in the loop and your DB sounds as if he had his own agenda.

Original poster
profedemates · 13/12/2021 16:48

@Alwayscheerful yes we are curious, but I'm not sure how Hmm

I now have a bit of dilemma because my bro has not drawn a name despite my calls or messages. We need to finalise it now, so do I kick him out? My SIL has already drawn a name, and it would be even more awkward if I kick him out and do it for the five siblings and my SIL, don't know she would be okay with that. I have asked her to remind him and she told me she has, but he still hasn't drawn name. What do I do, now I'm about to cancel the whole thing. Confused

OP posts:
Marshwawows · 13/12/2021 16:51

Give him a deadline then go ahead without him even if it means setting up a third time.

sillysmiles · 13/12/2021 16:56

[quote profedemates]@Alwayscheerful yes we are curious, but I'm not sure how Hmm

I now have a bit of dilemma because my bro has not drawn a name despite my calls or messages. We need to finalise it now, so do I kick him out? My SIL has already drawn a name, and it would be even more awkward if I kick him out and do it for the five siblings and my SIL, don't know she would be okay with that. I have asked her to remind him and she told me she has, but he still hasn't drawn name. What do I do, now I'm about to cancel the whole thing. Confused[/quote]
But if everyone else has drawn a name - is he not left with whoever's left?

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2021 17:13

Do you really need to do a 'secret' santa?

Can't you work out who your brother has by a process of elimination?

In our family we are assigned another adult family member and spend £50 on them. It's an open process so that you can tell the buyer of your gift what you want.

But as I said before, you have a brother problem not a secret santa or SIL problem

Original poster
profedemates · 13/12/2021 17:19

@sillysmiles yes he is with whoever left however since he has not drawn a name my assumption is that he doesn't want to participate anymore, I don't know, we could go ahead and then if he chooses just to continue ignore, then someone will be left without a gift.

@Marshwawows the deadline was yesterday....

@Pipsquiggle yes it's looking like I'm just going to cancel it and not bother anymore

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 13/12/2021 17:22

God he sounds like hard work.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2021 18:08

So there's one name left, right? Is there any way for you to know who that is? If so, I'd tell Bro that the SS is now 'closed'. I'd send a message to the rest of the group that the person who 'drew' Bro needs to contact you privately. Then I'd give that person the name that is still in the pot. Yes, you and that person will know that he/she now has the 'leftover' name (even if the 'leftover' is you), but who really cares if the two of you know? TBH in our family SS usually ended up not being so secret anyway with phone calls here and there saying "I have X in the SS and have no idea what to get them, do you think they'd like.....".

If there's no way to know who the leftover is, I'd just tell the group that it's turned into too much of a hassle so unless one of them wants to take it over, the SS is being cancelled, effective immediately.

Marshwawows · 13/12/2021 18:30

Or, could you ask SiL to draw for him. Shouldn't be necessary of course.

Original poster
profedemates · 13/12/2021 18:53

@AcrossthePond55 good idea im just going to do that, it's not that serious if we know who's buying what for who.
@Marshwawows I know could but I'm sick of his behaviour he's just taken the fun out of it. I'm going to kick him out. Poor SIL with be with us five, a lil awkward for her but I guess a way to get to know her better.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 13/12/2021 20:58

[quote profedemates]@AcrossthePond55 good idea im just going to do that, it's not that serious if we know who's buying what for who.
@Marshwawows I know could but I'm sick of his behaviour he's just taken the fun out of it. I'm going to kick him out. Poor SIL with be with us five, a lil awkward for her but I guess a way to get to know her better.[/quote]
At least you’d finally get the new house address out of her! 😂 Just message her privately about the address, don’t loop your brother into that or he’ll block her from telling you. Since you’re the organizer of the secret Santa, it makes sense for you to get the addresses in order and can request it under that pretense to send it over to the person who needs it.

I also wanted to say, you seem like a really nice person BTW. Ignore the jerky people and weirdos on this thread. :)

fastingworks · 13/12/2021 21:42

You're welcoming!

Original poster
profedemates · 13/12/2021 23:10

@JingsMahBucket thank you! I certainly will get the address off her! Merry Christmas

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 14/12/2021 08:03

@Marshwawows

Or, could you ask SiL to draw for him. Shouldn't be necessary of course.
No I'd just pull him out and leave SiL in. OP doesn't know if SiL had the slightest desire to be on the list, let alone if she wants to be lumbered with his family present buying. If she doesn't want to participate she can speak up or could be asked directly.

I find the refusal to provide an address to immediate family without some historic issue to be weird. If he wants to cut his family loose nobody can stop him but they don't have to pander to years of this nonsense either.

Beachhuts90 · 14/12/2021 14:55

[quote hotmeatymilk]@Passthecake30 Still a secret though. Our greatest family secret Santa was when my mother misunderstood… everything, and consequently everyone drew themselves and got themselves a perfect gift. And completely failed to manage a convincing “What a surprise!” reaction Grin[/quote]
This has really made me laugh, thank you!

Twinsandsome · 15/12/2021 18:37

@profedemates OP I think you have the patience of a saint! Your brother is being pathetic it is not hard for him to draw a name he is choosing not too. Def go ahead with your secret Santa and forget about him you went to the effort to include his wife who has participated hopefully she is embarrassed for him when the exchange takes place xx

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2021 19:13

He obv doesn’t give a toss

Douya · 20/12/2021 11:08

Add her, no matter how many it's one present each. She wants to be part of your family which is lovely.

Twinsandsome · 28/12/2021 22:33

@profedemates what happened in the end with secret Santa? Did your brother partake? X

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