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Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

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Abraxan · 11/12/2021 08:40

@Nevertime

In what world does after 4 mean 7pm? Grin
This.

I can see why he'd think you weren't interested. Arriving 3 hours after the event was starting, it would have looked like a snub.
Anytime after 4pm? Surely most people arrive within the hour after 4pm, if not sooner.

tistheseeson · 11/12/2021 08:41

[quote profedemates]@tistheseeson of course we explained, we didn’t just tell them, that would be rude. We explained and both of them said it was fine, they said don’t worry party would go till late. And on the day we spoke again in the morning and again was told it was fine.l, see you later. So of course we were shocked when he called later to tell us not to bother coming.[/quote]
Fair enough that does sound odd. Also seems odd that you didn't take their address during the discussions in the lead up. From your brother's perspective I think you had no intention of turning up if you hadn't even asked where it was. (Their address)

diddl · 11/12/2021 08:42

[quote profedemates]@tistheseeson of course we explained, we didn’t just tell them, that would be rude. We explained and both of them said it was fine, they said don’t worry party would go till late. And on the day we spoke again in the morning and again was told it was fine.l, see you later. So of course we were shocked when he called later to tell us not to bother coming.[/quote]
I wonder what he told your SIL about you not going?

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:45

@tistheseeson not sure why you think we didn’t ask for the address, we had done so several times, when we first spoke, he said he would text it, then on the day “sure I will text it” I actually said just tell me and I would write it down and he said “ don’t worryI will text it”

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tistheseeson · 11/12/2021 08:49

[quote profedemates]@tistheseeson not sure why you think we didn’t ask for the address, we had done so several times, when we first spoke, he said he would text it, then on the day “sure I will text it” I actually said just tell me and I would write it down and he said “ don’t worryI will text it”[/quote]
You're flogging a dead horse with this relationship.

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:49

@diddl I’m not sure but could tell when I spoke to her it was a little awkward so I didn’t want to push it. Because she seemed to still be expecting us, so I didn’t want to throw my bro completely under the bus and say he told us not to come anymore, it was just awkward.

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Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:52

@tistheseeson I know but it’s hard to accept. Of the six of us I’m probably the one who reaches out the most, my other siblings have given up.

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MeltedButter · 11/12/2021 08:53

If in doubt always include

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 09:00

@diddl I think some of my siblings did tell her that my bro asked us not to come anymore, so it was super awkward, I’m not sure how she felt. I’m really not sure what he tells her, but I wouldn’t want to say too much, because it’s her husband at the end of the day.

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diddl · 11/12/2021 09:13

It does seem that SIL wants to include you all, so that would make more sense that she was hurt by not being included in the SS.

Perhaps try making arrangements with her to get to know her?

Pipsquiggle · 11/12/2021 09:34

Your brother sounds like a dickhead.

It's clear from all the years of evading calls, not turning up and not even telling his family his address (!) that he is the problem here.

Is there anyway you can speak /contact your SIL directly? It's clear that you can't trust him to pass on messages etc.

I have this to a lesser extent with my DH's family. He is 1 of 3 boys and they are just shit at communicating. If anything needs to get organised or done, it's usually because me and my SIL have sorted it

Pipsquiggle · 11/12/2021 09:47

I bet your brother hasn't even told his wife about the Secret Santa shenanigans

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 10:09

@Pipsquiggle nope she didn’t have any idea until I invited her…
@diddl I feel like it’s quite uncomfortable for her, and I don’t want to push so there is an issue with her and my brother. For example once I was at mums and my bro came to drop something off, and he literally stood by the door, she was in the car, and mum called to her come out come in and say hello etc, she got out of the car, at the same time he was telling my mum they were in a rush, so she kind of just stood there awkwardly, it was clear she wanted to come and say hello but he wanted to leave.

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diddl · 11/12/2021 10:44

"I feel like it’s quite uncomfortable for her, and I don’t want to push so there is an issue with her and my brother."

Is he controlling towards her then do you think?

I mean surely he can't demand that she's part of SS but that she can't see you without permission?

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 11:04

@diddl I really don’t know, I wouldn’t want to make accusations it’s all just a little strange.

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2021 12:44

Do you think your DB is ashamed of your family for some (stupid) reason? I mean, has he moved up the so-called ladder of life and now considers your family's homes and 'ways' beneath him?

It's obviously not simple laziness or ignorance of basic good manners. So I'm wondering if he's become 'pretentious' in his life away from the family and doesn't want his two worlds to 'collide'.

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 12:56

@AcrossthePond55 he is the most successful financially he is in banking, his wife and her sister are in IT, I know they own multiple houses between them etc and are also pretty high earners. None of us are bums by any stretch though, so I don’t know why we would be considered embarrassing, amongst us we have two teachers, a nurse, social worker and one in civil service hardly the bane of society. I don’t know much about who he socialises with so I couldn’t say

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2021 15:39

The reason I asked is because I have a friend whose family is full of lovely 'common' people. I'm in the US and the word 'common' doesn't really have the same negative connotation as it does in the UK. Here it means more like 'run of the mill' or 'down to earth' as opposed to lacking manners or any sort of 'upbringing'. They weren't poor and most had very good paying jobs, similar to yours. But you wouldn't have found them at the opera or the ballet, they'd much rather go to a baseball game. They weren't connoisseurs of fine wines, a 'glass of red' was fine with them.

But my friend had a family member who had done 'very well for herself' and who enjoyed 'the finer things in life. All well and good for her. But for whatever reason she was ashamed of them and kept them very separate from her 'outside life'. If her two worlds did 'collide' (as in her wedding) she gave sardonic smiles and sighs as if silently apologizing for them. I don't know why, they weren't an embarrassment in their behaviour, even if they couldn't discuss the finer points of Port or the latest showing of modern art.

KindChick · 11/12/2021 17:04

I’ve not read this right to the end but you sound incredibly immature and also it sounds like a little gang up against your brother by the rest of you.
It’s Secret Santa not some huge dilema, crisis or problem to be solved.

YourenutsmiLord · 11/12/2021 17:38

Is he the eldest ?

Snowmanuel · 11/12/2021 18:12

Can some posters not read? Or do they choose not to arse themselves with reading the OP’s posts? Or do they just want to be dicks?

It’s rife on here. So which is it? Stupid or spiteful?

mam0918 · 11/12/2021 19:16

@Snowmanuel

Can some posters not read? Or do they choose not to arse themselves with reading the OP’s posts? Or do they just want to be dicks?

It’s rife on here. So which is it? Stupid or spiteful?

We read perfectly well, I read every single one of OPs posts and STILL firmly believe it was rude to show up 3 hours late, as do many others and as did the hosts and other party guests clearly.

It's not a reading comprehension issue it's an issue with people too blind to understand even when told multiple times by multiple people that their actions were rude then continuing to desperately try to excuse their bad behavior which doesn't suddenly make it less rude it just digs the hole deeper.

Someaddedsugar · 11/12/2021 19:26

@hotmeatymilk I love this Grin

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 22:19

Whoops and your name is @KindChick interesting!

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Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 22:33

@AcrossthePond55 I have not actually considered this, not sure how to deal with that potentially being a reason. My youngest brother once bumped into him at a bar, he was with his work colleagues, and acted like he barely knew him, didn’t introduce him to any of his colleagues, just said hi, and walked off. Confused

@Snowmanuel I’m genuinely baffled why people have to make comments with such an attitude, this is supposed to be an outlet, for us all to bitch about sometimes important things, other times trivial. I don’t understand why dissenting comments have to be so accusatory or judgemental Confused

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