Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 10/12/2021 12:51

We do this but we do include partners. Well we give them the option to join in (most do). I don't see it makes a difference, each person is buying for just one person and adding someone doesn't change that. Sounds like your brother would appreciate it...

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 10/12/2021 12:54

Play nicely now.

Holly60 · 10/12/2021 12:55

It’s so odd you wouldn’t include spouses anyway!! I would add all of the spouses. How do you expect to get to know her if you don’t make an effort with her?!

Shedmistress · 10/12/2021 12:56

This is why I avoid all Secret Santa's. Someone is always upset over something.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:56

We don’t really know her, because my brother makes little to no effort with rest of us, for example we may not hear from him months on end, when we call he doesn’t answer the phone doesn’t call back, and makes excuses about being busy at work or broken phone. We Attended his wedding in July and have not really spoke since, apart from the odd hello on the family group chat, which he rarely responds to, unless to announce he has bought a new house. Most recently his wife invited us for her sisters birthday, and as we where preparing to all leave, he told us it was too late and there was no point. As a result none of us know his wife very well at all, they dated for ten years prior to marriage, and can count on one hand the number of times I have met her. My other siblings too feel that she shouldn’t be included, but no one is really willing to say anything. To be honest last year we tried to do the secret Santa thing, and it had to be cancelled because he didn’t draw a name, so the idea was abandoned. The rest of us are all close and speak everyday, even living in different countries.I guess I could add her, it’s not going to cost me anything, I think I’m more annoyed with the fact that he continues to get away with treating people like rubbish which I’m projecting on his poor wife. Maybe I will add his wife and kick him out 😅

OP posts:
AdaptAdapt · 10/12/2021 12:58

He wants you to add her, so just add her. Job done.

girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 12:59

So your brothers the issue and his wife makes the effort? In that case it's even worse that she's left out.

She invited you for her sisters birthday and you won't even invite her to a secret Santa?

diddl · 10/12/2021 12:59

"her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her."

Are they old enough to be married?

If they would like her to be included that's one thing.

She doesn't have to be though!

If it's siblings only she's hardly being excluded is she?

Doona · 10/12/2021 13:00

These SILs are here to stay.

Nevertime · 10/12/2021 13:01

It's odd that you don't include spouses. Are you the same with other events too? It's also odd that you've hardly met your brother's wife. Why is that?

Duvetflower · 10/12/2021 13:03

can you not just say it's couple gifts, you can stick with who you've drawn and sil is included.

Redcart21 · 10/12/2021 13:03

It sounds like the problem is with your brother not his wife. You are projecting your sibling issues onto her and that’s massively unfair.
I’d be furious if DH’s family excluded me as I would take that as they think I’m not part of their family. YABU

SMabbutt · 10/12/2021 13:05

Why not make it a couples secret santa? That way you buy 1 present for each couple and you don't have to do a new or additional draw. Alternatively if all partners and spouses are going to be included you just take it that you are drawing on behalf of yourself a dp and buyng for your sibling and their dp.

fairydust11 · 10/12/2021 13:06

Yabu - she invited you to her sisters birthday. In my opinion just because your relationship with your brother isn’t as good, that’s not her fault, why are you pushing his wife away instead of including her when from what I read, she has been making the effort? Plus at the end of the day it’s secret Santa - does it really matter? Why won’t you just add her? Is it really worth making things more awkward and divisive over?

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:07

It’s interesting that the general consensus is that people don’t do things with siblings only, maybe I need to change my mindset.😅. And to the answer the early question, no probably wouldn’t get them a gift since probably wouldn’t hear from them over Christmas anyway. The last few Christmas’ they were invited and didn’t turn up, no call nothing!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/12/2021 13:08

She wants to be part of it, just let her join in, fucking hell, where's your Christmas spirit.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:10

I have also added her to the list now, no one has bought gifts yet so it’s fine, no one else has added their partners, so we will redraw again let’s see if it works this time or if he comes up with a new excuse to not draw a name. Will update.

OP posts:
BonesInTheOcean · 10/12/2021 13:10

@AdaptAdapt

He wants you to add her, so just add her. Job done.
Its only siblings in the group, no spouses / partners
Nomoneytreehere · 10/12/2021 13:12

Maybe his wife’s family have opened his eyes to normal non excluding behaviour

Blossom64265 · 10/12/2021 13:12

It’s odd that you don’t include spouses, but you should either include all spouses or none.

How is it that everyone else has their names but he does not? If everyone else has drawn there can only be one name left so just tell him his name.

Next year, use one of the online secret Santa matching apps so no one has to physically draw names and you can maintain anonymity.

Redwinestillfine · 10/12/2021 13:12

Just, message the group ' are we all ok with extending o other halves? It has to be all or none. No reason fhoer to get social treatment

sillysmiles · 10/12/2021 13:12

@profedemates

I have also added her to the list now, no one has bought gifts yet so it’s fine, no one else has added their partners, so we will redraw again let’s see if it works this time or if he comes up with a new excuse to not draw a name. Will update.
Sounds like he is the drama not her! Try not to get too stressed about it, but do report back! Xmas Grin
Marimaur · 10/12/2021 13:12

I think you’re being a bit of a scrooge, sorry Hmm

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:12

@WallaceinAnderland

She wants to be part of it, just let her join in, fucking hell, where's your Christmas spirit.
In the bin 😅

She’s not aware that we are doing a secret Santa.but I have added her now and invited her myself.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/12/2021 13:12

"Most recently his wife invited us for her sisters birthday, and as we where preparing to all leave, he told us it was too late and there was no point."

So didn't he go either?

How did it become "too late"?