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Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:44

[quote wtfisthatspiderdoing]@Nevertime I know! And none of us are rich, £50 is a lot of money!

Also agree, after 4 generally means between 4 and 5, 5.30 at a push, 7 is very late OP .. the party has been going for 3 hours ... it was clearly a tea time event not a night time event. [/quote]
If we had been included or considered to some extent in the planning, we wouldn’t have been so late, two of us were working, the other travelling back from Manchester that day, which we informed them about, so the only way we were going to get there was around 7, the party went on to midnight either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:44

@Wheelz46

Let her join in and rig it so they pick each other Grin
How do I do this, I really want to 😂
OP posts:
SheikhMaraca · 10/12/2021 13:46

@Stompythedinosaur

I would consider a married spouse of my sibling to be a family member, and would find it odd not to include them.
This.

YABU, what an unkind approach to take at Christmas.

IncompleteSenten · 10/12/2021 13:48

How do you think the other partners of your siblings will feel if you just add her?

If you're going to do that then every partner who wants to take part should be able to.

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 10/12/2021 13:48

It sounds like you have a brother problem, not a SIL problem. He clearly isn't bothered about a relationship with his siblings. Stop making the effort. Send Christmas/ birthday cards and leave it at that. Cut him out the SS. He wouldn't even know by the sound of it.

SheikhMaraca · 10/12/2021 13:49

…and yes, ‘anytime after 4’ means 4-4.30 ideally, 5 at a push, but 7???

Nope, that was rude if you op.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:50

@wtfisthatspiderdoing

It sounds like you have a brother problem, not a SIL problem. He clearly isn't bothered about a relationship with his siblings. Stop making the effort. Send Christmas/ birthday cards and leave it at that. Cut him out the SS. He wouldn't even know by the sound of it.
Well I have added his wife now and told him and also sent her message, they need to draw their names, the rest of us will draw again too, I say if they doesn’t do it by Sunday, I will cut them both out, and do a new one. It is literally to click a link in WhatsApp, and your name appears, there is no reason for it take over a week.
OP posts:
wtfisthatspiderdoing · 10/12/2021 13:52

"Wheelz46
Let her join in and rig it so they pick each other 
How do I do this, I really want to 😂"

You can do this if you use the www.draw names.co.uk website to do it! It's dead easy to use, we use it for our secret Santa. The person setting up the draw can make to that of a person doesn't want to draw a specific person they won't.. so you could set it so the only option is that they will draw each other!

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:53

As I said above two people working till around 5, the other coming back from Manchester that day, which they were both informed about prior to the day. I think it actually rude that you were informed prior to the event that we could get there around 7, which you agreed to, and then cancel us at the last minute only for the party to continue till midnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:54

@wtfisthatspiderdoing

"Wheelz46 Let her join in and rig it so they pick each other  How do I do this, I really want to 😂"

You can do this if you use the www.draw names.co.uk website to do it! It's dead easy to use, we use it for our secret Santa. The person setting up the draw can make to that of a person doesn't want to draw a specific person they won't.. so you could set it so the only option is that they will draw each other!

Oh I’m tempted 😅 but I won’t, I will give them till Sunday to draw their names
OP posts:
SallyWD · 10/12/2021 13:55

I'd ask all the other spouses if they want to be involved and add all the ones that do. It seems a bit mean to exclude people who are keen to be involved - not in the Christmas spirit. My inlaws treat me the same as they treat my DH.

girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 14:02

Is it just me who thinks if someone says "after 4" when they're having a family gathering means "not too long after 4"?

If he said it was too late at half 6 people would've been preparing to leave presumably.

Beautiful3 · 10/12/2021 14:03

I would say, sorry you didn't know she wanted to be included as no-one else spouse has been included. You will definitely include sil alongside other spouses, for next year's secret santa. But it's too late to add her to this year's as everyone's already sorted their presents.

Pipsquiggle · 10/12/2021 14:07

Sounds like you are going to include SIL - good - right decision

Your brother sounds like a bit of a knob.

The fact that SIL invited you to her sister's party was very nice. Sounds like you cocked up the timings and should have declined because you couldn't make the afternoon not assume you can just rock up hours later.

Is there any way you can get SIL's number? I would try to communicate directly with her rather than your brother.

Derbee · 10/12/2021 14:08

To be honest last year we tried to do the secret Santa thing, and it had to be cancelled because he didn’t draw a name, so the idea was abandoned

I’d probably have done a secret Santa for the 5 of you, and left him out anyway, never mind his wife.

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 10/12/2021 14:14

"Oh I’m tempted 😅 but I won’t, I will give them till Sunday to draw their names"

You're a nicer person than me OP! 😆😉

burnoutbabe · 10/12/2021 14:17

seems fairly clear that on the party, they got an invite, said great but can't make it until after 7, is that okay and were told YES

then cancelled on, on the actual day.

So your brother is the rude one here.

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/12/2021 14:20

I have also added her to the list now, no one has bought gifts yet so it’s fine, no one else has added their partners, so we will redraw again let’s see if it works this time or if he comes up with a new excuse to not draw a name. Will update.

I think you've done the right thing and it'll be interesting to see if your brother clicks the link. I bet SIL does, because it sounds like she's trying to make an effort and for some reason your brother isn't.

Don't worry about the people who are saying you were rude to say you'd get to the party at 7pm. Anytime after 4 means anytime after 4. Ie if you can get there for 4, great, let's start partying early, but if you can't, for whatever reason, then come when you can. If people are working that day it's very unreasonable to expect them to take a day off to come to a party!

Plus, like you said, you rang and checked it was ok and was told it was. So how pp can interpret that as rude is beyond me (unless they just haven't read your posts properly...).

anon51 · 10/12/2021 14:25

We have a SS and include all partners, £50 limit and we all have a wish list! You can't go wrong

AmyDudley · 10/12/2021 14:33

Maybe too late this year but I'd make it couples secret santa from now on - and anyone who is single can go in as a single person, but mostly it will be 'John and Mary' that you have to buy for.

I think your SIL sounds OK - she hasn't done anything wrong, I would cultivate a relationship with her and also make all arrangements for anything through her. You brother sounds like a total pain, but that's not her fault, she sounds pretty aid back about the party business - he was the one making a fuss.

I would never leave my sister's husband out of any kind of family gift giving - he's a much loved member of my family, I think it is quite divisive to not see your siblings as part of a wider family unit one they get married or are in a LTR. I think the whole SS thing needs a rethink to bring it up to date.

irene9 · 10/12/2021 14:37

Did your brother agree to be in this Secret Santa or did you (in a controlling way) just add him because he's a sibling and he 'should' be in it?
It sounds like if he had the choice he'd have said 'ah no thanks you are grand I'm doing one with the wife's family'.
He was drafted into the Secret Santa whether he likes it or not.

If he feels he has been controlled by other siblings and parents and has taken a passive stance thus far in life, he finds it pretty difficult to manage you all.
He tends to hang back and not participate because that's easier then participating. I suspect he prefers his partner's family because they are so much less demanding of him and he's detached from them.
Remember these are real people with real emotions and not just 'the brother and yer woman' whose antics are a source of amusement for the rest of the family.

tallduckandhandsome · 10/12/2021 14:38

@Derbee

To be honest last year we tried to do the secret Santa thing, and it had to be cancelled because he didn’t draw a name, so the idea was abandoned

I’d probably have done a secret Santa for the 5 of you, and left him out anyway, never mind his wife.

This. Why on earth did you include him again this year?

He clearly didn't want you guys at the party at his either. He sounds like a dick.

PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 14:38

I mean, it couldn't possibly be that much trouble to add her in? It's Christmas, she's family, why set up conflict?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/12/2021 14:40

I think you should ask the other OHs if they want to take part, too. Something along the lines of "John has asked insisted that Mary be included so I thought I'd see if any of the rest of you wish to take part, too. Feel free to accept or decline, no pressure at all". If you're 'lucky' it may be that the last thing they want is to have to buy/wrap/post another gift. In my family the 'Secret Santa' was only between people actually attending the 'big' family party because the point of it was to watch people open their gifts. And I agree with your Sunday deadline. In fact, I'd probably 'quietly' tell the others not to draw until Sunday evening/Monday morning so you don't have to redo the whole roster.

As far as your DB goes, it's pretty obvious where the rest of you rank on his priority list. Whether or not he has a 'valid' reason for this or if his wife is instigating this 'distance', I don't know. Does he consider himself a black sheep or 'too good for the family', perhaps? Did this distance develop after he began seeing his wife?

At any rate, I'd just start to back away. Let him start any communications (or lack thereof). If he doesn't really want to be part of the family, why rub your collective noses in it?

PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 14:40

@PleasantBirthday

I mean, it couldn't possibly be that much trouble to add her in? It's Christmas, she's family, why set up conflict?
Sorry, I see the conversation has moved on. I didn't even realise I hadn't read the whole thing.
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