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Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
WFHiswank · 10/12/2021 14:41

This is like a mean girls, family style?! It was mean to not consider adding partners in the first place. Not sure if you are bitter about your SIL not making an effort but inviting her to take part in SS would have been a really nice way of getting to know her.

My family has always been about making people feel welcome on Christmas. That is what Christmas means to us. I can't believe how selfish you've been. Merry fucking Christmas to you!

MaHBroon · 10/12/2021 14:42

@SherBear1971

I have 6 children who picked names for their secret Santa weeks ago. The eldest has subsequently got engaged so we added his fiancée in. I think it's really important to include people. It will mean that the kids will open their secret Santa gifts when she is here which is a few days after Christmas. Building relationships with in-laws and reaching out to them is so important and we want my son and his fiancée to know that we are family....in my case some through birth, some through adoption and some through marriage. We don't wait for others to make the effort or first move, we chuck open the gates and drag them inGrin We do it because that is what we would like people to do for us
This is how we operate as a family also.
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/12/2021 14:42

Jesus! Some of you are truly weird.

If siblings want to to a Secret Santa between themselves without their respective OHs what exactly is the issue?

What happened before was fair to everyone, each sibling bought a present for another sibling.

Now there's a single spouse included. It's obvious how that changes the dynamic and sets up a hole heap of "What about me?"s

Ridiculous

PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 14:44

If siblings want to to a Secret Santa between themselves without their respective OHs what exactly is the issue?

Well, I don't have a problem with that if that's what everyone wants, but it seems it isn't in this case and sometimes you've got to be flexible, especially around integrating new members to the family.

sillysmiles · 10/12/2021 14:47

If siblings want to to a Secret Santa between themselves without their respective OHs what exactly is the issue?

However, when not all siblings want it to be between themselves and want newly married partners to be included, then it needs to be reconsidered.

WFHiswank · 10/12/2021 14:52

@HoardingSamphireSaurus your ability to emphathise with the newcomers or people who may feel left out is beyond touching. Huge Christmas spirit. I'm almost weeping with emotion at your generosity and kindness.

SeedlessEasypeeler · 10/12/2021 14:55

It's a tricky one.

My SIL goes to great pains to make sure I am excluded from things, and MIL goes along to keep the peace with her. I have never, in 30 years, had a Christmas or birthday present from either of them despite buying thoughtful things for them for many years. I found it really hurtful for a very long time.

What goes around comes around though. My SIL needs us to help out with my MIL as she is ailing fast. If my D|H wants to help out then fine, but if I am not family enough to get a box of Twiglets for Christmas, I am certainly now family enough to get involved in intimate elderly care.

Also, my SIL has a new partner and is desperate to have us play happy families with him e.g. all go on holiday together. I absolutely refused and what's more, I won't ever be inviting him over to my house or making any effort with him, not because I don't like him, but because I owe them nothing. Now that I am older, I'm glad they treated me like crap, because I have no responsibility towards any of them whatsoever,

The point I am trying to make OP is that it is of course up to you who you invite and buy for, but just be aware of the bigger picture.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 14:57

@irene9

Did your brother agree to be in this Secret Santa or did you (in a controlling way) just add him because he's a sibling and he 'should' be in it? It sounds like if he had the choice he'd have said 'ah no thanks you are grand I'm doing one with the wife's family'. He was drafted into the Secret Santa whether he likes it or not.

If he feels he has been controlled by other siblings and parents and has taken a passive stance thus far in life, he finds it pretty difficult to manage you all.
He tends to hang back and not participate because that's easier then participating. I suspect he prefers his partner's family because they are so much less demanding of him and he's detached from them.
Remember these are real people with real emotions and not just 'the brother and yer woman' whose antics are a source of amusement for the rest of the family.

@irene9 no of course not I asked who wanted to join everyone agreed to participate, trust me if he didn’t want to join, he wouldn’t respond. For example last year we all chipped in to do our mums house up, asked him if he wanted to contribute, he didn’t get back for a long time, and then just said no, no one said anything to him about it or even made a fuss, so he could opt out a secret Santa if he wanted.
OP posts:
Alltheblue · 10/12/2021 14:57

Did you go to their wedding in July?

C8H10N4O2 · 10/12/2021 15:01

it’s interesting that the general consensus is that people don’t do things with siblings only, maybe I need to change my mindset

We do in my and DH's families, always have done. Same in other families I know. We do some things in large groups, some things as siblings, some things as random subsets who like X.

We didn't cease to be individuals with families when we married.

In your case OP, you have a DB problem not a DSiL - I'd have been tempted to swap her in to replace DB!

PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 15:05

it’s interesting that the general consensus is that people don’t do things with siblings only, maybe I need to change my mindset

We do, me and my siblings, at times. Mainly because we all share a specific trait that our spouses don't share and which very understandably, drives them insane when we all get together but we're fine with (it's terrible indecisiveness - our spouses visibly deflate when we start talking about where we're going to eat because they know dinner will be a long time coming but for us, we enjoy the debate).

user1471600850 · 10/12/2021 15:05

Sorry Op but he sounds like a complete dick. You and the rest of your family should get on with doing things together and enjoying life and leave him and his wife to do theirs together

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/12/2021 15:09

[quote WFHiswank]@HoardingSamphireSaurus your ability to emphathise with the newcomers or people who may feel left out is beyond touching. Huge Christmas spirit. I'm almost weeping with emotion at your generosity and kindness.[/quote]
See, you made that up.

I didn't comment on any other way of doing such things, I just commented on what OP has been doing... a sibling Secret Santa.

It is neither more nor less odd, unusual, than any other way of deciding such things.

And I did point out that now one sibling has unilaterally decided to change that there has to be a rethink, as the arrangement has now been made unfair to other partners.

So weep away! But not on account of anything I didn't say or do!

C8H10N4O2 · 10/12/2021 15:13

[quote WFHiswank]@HoardingSamphireSaurus your ability to emphathise with the newcomers or people who may feel left out is beyond touching. Huge Christmas spirit. I'm almost weeping with emotion at your generosity and kindness.[/quote]
Where is the suggestion that the DSiL gives a toss about the secret santa list?

Its DB who barely contacts them who is whining about it, not his wife.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 15:32

Honestly I think somethings are being taken out of context.

My SIL has not asked to join, I don’t think she could care less, more than likely doesn’t have a clue about all the commotion. Also none of our other spouses/partners feel left out, we all have our individual relationships, we will still buy each other gifts, especially since most of us see each other during Christmas and have their own relationships.

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/12/2021 15:36

Has nobody even commented on your DBs decision?

You have some well balanced family members. One of DHs siblings would have made a considerable fuss. His DB would have been just like yours.His wife is family, even if his SILs only married in and don't count Smile

Georgy12 · 10/12/2021 15:39

Gosh what an awful family you have. Personally I wouldn't exclude partners, I think this is odd, especially when they're married. With attitudes like yours I can't imagine you'll ever get to know her or consider her family so maybe cut ties now 🙄🙄

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/12/2021 15:41

Is it really necessary to judge people, use perjorative words about them just because they do some things differently than you do?

Meh!

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/12/2021 15:44

My DH and his siblings do SS and all the partners get invited. It's mean not to

SeasonFinale · 10/12/2021 15:58

I can see why your brother doesn't have much to do with you. Also if an event starts at 4pm it is obvious that 7pm would ne too late to arrive however much you try to spin it

Chocolatepumpkin · 10/12/2021 15:59

I really don't get why everyone is so sensitive, at what point does extending a sibling gift exchange end? It's not nasty only doing siblings, alternatively just make it a gift for the couple. But if my hubby's family did one for just siblings i wouldn't have a single issue.
People are being very judgemental!

fairydust11 · 10/12/2021 16:21

@profedemates

As I said above two people working till around 5, the other coming back from Manchester that day, which they were both informed about prior to the day. I think it actually rude that you were informed prior to the event that we could get there around 7, which you agreed to, and then cancel us at the last minute only for the party to continue till midnight.
I’m sorry op - but I think you’re making excuses - 7 is not or nowhere near after 4 and in any case why did you have to go with all your siblings at the same time? Why couldn’t you & your partner go at 4ish & the rest go when they were available? It seems very odd? Is there more of a back story to this? It seems the more I read it’s very much like you & your siblings against your brother & wife? What is the real problem here? It seems like there is much more to this. The fact you think your brother is rude to cancel yet you aren’t to suggest that time in the first place shows how you aren’t on the same page at all. Plus how can you not have your own brothers address? You haven’t asked for it before? You can’t get it off your parents? This is so odd
ViperHalliwell · 10/12/2021 16:25

Brother and SIL have been a couple for ten years, and she has never participated in his siblings' SS? (I can't tell if you've just had it the past two years, or longer - but anyway, she wasn't in it last year). The difference between previous Christmases and this one is that they are now married? If the other five siblings have partners but no spouses, maybe he legitimately expected that spouses would be automatically included and other partners excluded? (Archaic, but possible.) He still should have noticed when information went out about this year’s exchange and she wasn’t included, and spoken up then. Reshuffling now with her included is a good solution - it was lucky that no one had bought their gifts yet because otherwise it could have been a mess!

Personally, I’d have probably have stopped inviting him after he agreed to participate and then didn’t bother last year. That's kind of shite for the person whose name he would have drawn. But if SIL is really into it, maybe that will spur him to be more involved this year.

Next year, I’d invite everyone including all partners/spouses and give a reasonable and clear cut-off for sign-up and card-drawing- no pressure to opt in or out, but failure to sign up and draw a card by the deadline(s) means you've opted out.

The comments chiding you about RSVP'ing for 7 instead of 4.30 are strange. The party went on for 8 hours; I doubt all of the guests were there for the entire time. If it had been a sit-down dinner then sure, 7 would probably be too late - but in that case they should have given guests more notice, and/or told you the timing wouldn't work when you first discussed it.

Wife2b · 10/12/2021 17:27

It sounds a lot more odd that you all excluding each other’s partners. She has married your brother, she is family. Why on earth would you exclude her??

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 17:46

@SeasonFinale

I can see why your brother doesn't have much to do with you. Also if an event starts at 4pm it is obvious that 7pm would ne too late to arrive however much you try to spin it
@SeasonFinale have you actually read what I have written or just decided to be judgemental without context. If someone invites you to a party and you tell them you cannot make it at the time, but then inform them in advance that you will get there later, I do not understand how that is is rude. Would it have been better to just say no? Or my siblings should have taken the day off or left work early to attend a party ? Or pay extra money to change the train time from Manchester ? As far as we were aware this was an informal gathering at their house, it’s not a wedding, so of course we all had plans, before being invited last minute to this party. And furthermore the party went on till 12 midnight, so 7pm was not too late.

@fairydust11 I do not know where you get the idea that me and my siblings are against my brother and his wife. As I have said before when we make contact he does not respond or does so intermittently, the last contact we have prior to this was for him to inform us they had bought a house, which we all congratulated, asked if we could come over etc for a celebration and got no response back. This behaviour of not responding to calls and making excuses about phones being broken or busy with work have been a consistent ongoing issue for years.

@ViperHalliwell
thank you, he has done this before agreed to participate and then didn’t, so I had to cover up and pay so it wouldn’t look odd. So I find it very rich that he is making demands to add his wife.

Also now everybody again has drawn their name, for SS except him and his wife. As I said I give them until Sunday

OP posts: