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Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 10/12/2021 13:13

It’s odd that you don’t include spouses, but you should either include all spouses or none.

It doesn't really. If the other spouses would rather not be in, then that's up to them.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:15

@Blossom64265

It’s odd that you don’t include spouses, but you should either include all spouses or none.

How is it that everyone else has their names but he does not? If everyone else has drawn there can only be one name left so just tell him his name.

Next year, use one of the online secret Santa matching apps so no one has to physically draw names and you can maintain anonymity.

We are using an online app, everyone has drawn their name but he hasn’t despite us all doing it over week ago. We are obviously not high in his priority list, I had to message and call several times before he sent a message that we need to add his wife.
OP posts:
saraclara · 10/12/2021 13:15

Yep, very odd to me that spouses aren't included in the first place. But if there's to be a change, it needs to be all or none.

Personally I'd reply saying that people have already drawn names, so it's a bit late. That whoever gets him will buy a present that is suitable for a couple, and that next year, in plenty of time you can all discuss whether to include all spouses and partners.

HappyMeal564 · 10/12/2021 13:15

She's family. Plus the more the merrier!

Welcometothejingles · 10/12/2021 13:15

You need to add the partners of the other siblings now to make it fair to them.

Chloemol · 10/12/2021 13:16

How many of you read the actual post!

NONE of the partners are included it’s SIBLINGS only

So the options are tell your brother no it’s siblings only
Ask everyone to include partners and re draw

WaltzingTilda · 10/12/2021 13:17

It sounds a bit petty trying to hold onto your siblings only SS imo. Takes me back to my 5 or 6 year old mindset. I'd include the partners as well. It's not worth offending family over something like SS.

SherBear1971 · 10/12/2021 13:18

I have 6 children who picked names for their secret Santa weeks ago. The eldest has subsequently got engaged so we added his fiancée in. I think it's really important to include people. It will mean that the kids will open their secret Santa gifts when she is here which is a few days after Christmas. Building relationships with in-laws and reaching out to them is so important and we want my son and his fiancée to know that we are family....in my case some through birth, some through adoption and some through marriage. We don't wait for others to make the effort or first move, we chuck open the gates and drag them inGrin We do it because that is what we would like people to do for us

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 10/12/2021 13:21

We do SS with DH's siblings and partners. TBH it's a ball ache. Last year I had to spend £50 on DH's brothers wife who I barely know. I received £50 of toiletries. Complete waste. I wish DH would just do it with his siblings and leave partners out of it!

Blossom64265 · 10/12/2021 13:24

If you have added her, I would add all the other spouses as well.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:24

@diddl

"Most recently his wife invited us for her sisters birthday, and as we where preparing to all leave, he told us it was too late and there was no point."

So didn't he go either?

How did it become "too late"?

The party was in their house, his wife told us about the party, but didn’t give us a set time as it was at their house, she just told us to come anytime after 4pm. I called my brother and told him we would be there around 7, and said fine. Around 6.30 he called to tell us not to bother as it was too late, which is ridiculous because his wife had told us to come after 4pm. Furthermore it was being held in their house so surely we could still go to the house even if the party was allegedly over. My sister wanted to called his wife to find out if the party was really over, but she didn’t answer, so we didn’t go, as didn’t have the address to their house and couldn’t just turn up. Tried to call my brother he didn’t answer either. So we left it, wife eventually sent a message the following day saying she was super busy and the party went on till midnight that we could have come.
OP posts:
Nevertime · 10/12/2021 13:27

@wtfisthatspiderdoing

We do SS with DH's siblings and partners. TBH it's a ball ache. Last year I had to spend £50 on DH's brothers wife who I barely know. I received £50 of toiletries. Complete waste. I wish DH would just do it with his siblings and leave partners out of it!
That's mad. £50? Shock
Nevertime · 10/12/2021 13:27

In what world does after 4 mean 7pm? Grin

Nevertime · 10/12/2021 13:28

You don't have your brother's address?

Peanutmnm · 10/12/2021 13:30

I buy for my sister and parents. DH buys for his siblings and parents. Think it's fine to do just a sibling gift exchange. She should be embarrassed to be demanding she's included.

Notonthestairs · 10/12/2021 13:31

Well the issue clearly lies with your brother and goes far beyond Secret Santa. He seems keen to maintain distance from you all. I'm not sure how you tackle that.

MrMrsJones · 10/12/2021 13:32

We have done secret santa with my side of the family this year, it would never have been considered not to include, partners.

Generalpost · 10/12/2021 13:32

Why is it a big deal just add who ever wants to be added.

thelegohooverer · 10/12/2021 13:33

I’m feeling really sorry for her. I wonder if she was aware that her dh sabotaged her attempt to be friendly to you. It was probably a bit humiliating explaining to her own family why no one turned up.

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 10/12/2021 13:37

@Nevertime I know! And none of us are rich, £50 is a lot of money!

Also agree, after 4 generally means between 4 and 5, 5.30 at a push, 7 is very late OP .. the party has been going for 3 hours ... it was clearly a tea time event not a night time event.

mistermagpie · 10/12/2021 13:39

We do SS with DHs siblings, so it's the four of them plus the four partners, I would think it a bit odd if the siblings just did it for them, but then we're all adults and get along reasonably well.

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 13:39

@Nevertime

You don't have your brother's address?
Nope we don’t, I just know it’s close to her parents house, that’s what she told me. We just got a message from him on the group chat that they bought a house , of course we all congratulated, asked questions, but didn’t receive any response.
OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2021 13:43

Life's too short. Just include her

sillysmiles · 10/12/2021 13:43

The party was in their house, his wife told us about the party, but didn’t give us a set time as it was at their house, she just told us to come anytime after 4pm. I called my brother and told him we would be there around 7, and said fine. Around 6.30 he called to tell us not to bother as it was too late, which is ridiculous because his wife had told us to come after 4pm. Furthermore it was being held in their house so surely we could still go to the house even if the party was allegedly over. My sister wanted to called his wife to find out if the party was really over, but she didn’t answer, so we didn’t go, as didn’t have the address to their house and couldn’t just turn up. Tried to call my brother he didn’t answer either. So we left it, wife eventually sent a message the following day saying she was super busy and the party went on till midnight that we could have come

I wonder what his feelings were on this.
I think you were massively rude saying you'd turn up at 7, when invited for 4 - especially considering you don't have a great relationship with your brother.
I wonder how much she knows about his communication with you all.

I'd love a post from your SIL about the family dynamics from their pov!

Wheelz46 · 10/12/2021 13:43

Let her join in and rig it so they pick each other Grin

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