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Original poster

Aibu to not add sister in law to secret Santa?

200 replies

profedemates · 10/12/2021 12:13

This year I suggested a secret Santa for me and my siblings (there is six of us), we all signed up and everyone drew their names a week ago, leaving my brother who hadn’t drawn a name, I had to keep reminding him to draw his name. then today he says we need to add his wife, which I’m baffled by as no one else has their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, included. He just went on a rant about the fact that her family does secret Santa and include him so we have to include her. For a backstory, they just got married in July, we literally never spend anytime together with him or them, never been to their house, so none of us have a relationship with his wife. What would you do ? I was contemplating setting one up for the five of us, and ditching the pair of them.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 10/12/2021 18:11

Yes actually your family should have made the effort to get to the party at the time they were invited ie. 4pm and yes they should have paid for the more expensive train fare to enable them to do so.

You seem to gang up on your brother and SIL and yes it is easy for me to be judgmental of someone who clearly doesn't like her brother and sil and is on here to spin the story to get people to take your side and then get grumpy when others don't agree with you. I fail to understand why you are asking for our opinions if actually all you really wanted was for everyone to say you are completely right and your brother is wrong. Sorry my view does not accord with yours, probably because I have been in the position of being that SIL who has been left out of family things however hard my husband has tried to get his family to include me. It isn't difficult to make an effort for an event they have arranged but you chose to not do so. That is all.

bedheadedzombie · 10/12/2021 18:15

If someone invites you to a party and you tell them you cannot make it at the time, but then inform them in advance that you will get there later, I do not understand how that is is rude.

Because you shouldn't have informed them, you should have asked if that was ok!

mam0918 · 10/12/2021 18:19

profedemates - not the point of the thread but after reading your responses all I can think is who the fuck thinks it's ok to show up to a party 3 HOURS late?

of course, that's too late, if you are invited somewhere at 4 you show up at 4, the height of rudeness to plan to be 3 hours late to someone's house for a party - it shows a complete disregard for the host and the party girl.

This isn't your best friend you're super close to where you can pop over anytime day or night, its an already strained family relationship who where throwing a party for your inlaws, the fact they even invited you was an olive branch and you took the piss with it.

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/12/2021 18:22

Because you shouldn't have informed them, you should have asked if that was ok!

she did:

I called my brother and told him we would be there around 7, and [he] said fine.

Lennybenny · 10/12/2021 18:33

@profedemates
Oh dear I don't think many posters read the entire thread. Yanbu, your db is.

Everyone else....Read the thread, don't just read the op and write a snotty reply. OP has explained a few times what happened. The party went on till midnight so 7pm was fine especially as she'd already said they would be late. It's also fine to just have siblings in one family thing for Xmas.....it doesn't mean its the only thing they do, just that this is something for them. Plus if you have enough siblings to do a secret santa why wouldn't you?

Munchyseeds · 10/12/2021 18:35

Bit odd....we do it and partners are included as are 2 older kids, a younger family member draws the names and let's us know
Works really well

Galliano · 10/12/2021 19:32

For posters aghast at excluding partners the OP is from quite a big family and it does make a difference. DH and I come from a background where large families are typical and between the two of us we have 13 siblings. Quite a number of our siblings also have partners from big families for the same cultural reasons. We have always done siblings only on both sides and it’s not undermined our relationships or felt exclusionary at all. It’s practical or we would drown under a tide of unwanted stuff. Having said that my younger brother lives a long haul flight away and married and had children long after us. His wife always buys for both me and DH and we always buy for both of them. It’s nice as helps maintain a connection given we typically only see them a couple of times a year (not even that this past two years of course). Having a slightly different arrangement has never caused a moment’s upset to anyone. Having one extra person in a secret Santa is so non impactful - no extra cost, no extra items entering your own house - I could not get upset about it if it was what a family member wanted to do and would approach it in a spirit of goodwill!

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 20:27

@Lennybenny nope they do not.

@Galliano me and my spouse have 11 siblings between us and 15 nieces and nephews who all get gifts. Christmas is an expensive time 😂

OP posts:
Doona · 10/12/2021 20:31

Is he the youngest? Just wondering.

Fromthebirdsnest · 10/12/2021 20:40

Add her .. think its actually really mean not to... add the rest of the spouses too ! Why not? X

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 20:44

@Doona nope he’s number 3.

@Fromthebirdsnest we have added her. Still waiting for both of them to draw their names.

OP posts:
Jewel52 · 10/12/2021 20:54

Sounds like you’re trying to maintain a certain exclusivity around your secret Santa. Personally I believe partners should be embraced and made to feel that they’re family too. More the merrier approach

Original poster
profedemates · 10/12/2021 21:06

@Jewel52 is that actually wrong ? For the life of me I have never thought it was wrong, maybe I need to speak to my husband….we also do an end of year/ Christmas dinner with my immediate siblings only as well no spouses or partners ☺️ And before anyone attacks me again… we also have christmas dinner with the spouses, kids, parents extended family

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 11/12/2021 06:30

I find it weird they’ve been together for 10yrs. You barely know /see her

Seems db is lazy in answering stuff

Maybe communicate with sil over stuff

Also find it weird you don’t know db address. Do any of your siblings know it or your parents if alive

If an invite is 4pm. Saying arriving at 7 is a bit rude tho equally sil said party was still going at midnight

Seems brother and sil may have different options on timings

Text her and remind her to click on link

Alittlelost0 · 11/12/2021 06:36

My husband and his siblings do a secret santa style set up for Xmas. I'm never included and it's not cheap as some pp said! It's not like office SS it's just buying/recieving one big gift rather than 4 smaller more rubbish ones.
I don't care I'm not included and would feel a bit awkward about it really if I was suddenly added! But I don't think it's weird to include partners either! I agree they are family and it's nice if they're treated and included as such!

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 07:46

@Blondeshavemorefun

I find it weird they’ve been together for 10yrs. You barely know /see her

Seems db is lazy in answering stuff

Maybe communicate with sil over stuff

Also find it weird you don’t know db address. Do any of your siblings know it or your parents if alive

If an invite is 4pm. Saying arriving at 7 is a bit rude tho equally sil said party was still going at midnight

Seems brother and sil may have different options on timings

Text her and remind her to click on link

I find it weird too however that is my brothers fault, as it’s really up to him to bring her around. When we had family functions he never brought her, well that’s if he turned up, so as a result we have only met her a handful of times, mostly when planning the wedding.

Also he is not lazy, he deliberately ignores most of the contact, this is with my siblings, parents and grandparents. For example he was invited for Christmas, and didn’t turn up, didn’t call nothing. You can literally call his phone ten times, and he won’t answer and then make an excuse about it being broken or he was working. He responds to emails/messages weeks later. I wouldn’t call that lazy, we are just not high on his priority list. Even as of now, reshuffling the SS, I have added my SIL, she and the rest of us have now drawn our names again, and once again we are still waiting for him to do it, despite the fact he kicked off about not having his wife in it.

None of us have the address, not even my parents, we have an idea of where it is, however not the exact location. He literally just sent a message on the group chat that he bought a new house and that was it.

They did not have different opinions on timing, my brother did not want us there, which is why he told us it was already over, when it went on till 12. This was an informal party not a sit down dinner, which we were all told about two days before the event, I don’t see why anyone would change their plans at such short notice, I can understand if it was a wedding or something more time sensitive. Furthermore if prior to the event, we spoke to both of them and explained we would need to get there later and then they agreed, even in the morning we spoke again about timing…. I don’t see the issue ?

@Alittlelost0 I’m glad to hear this, I spoke to my husband and he wasn’t interested in joining so it’s my siblings and SIL in SS.

OP posts:
tistheseeson · 11/12/2021 08:00

@Nevertime

In what world does after 4 mean 7pm? Grin
I'd take that to mean within the hour from 4pm but you don't have to arrive on the dot. Absolutely not 3 hours later. That's just rude.
rosamacrose · 11/12/2021 08:15

Your brother sounds like an arrogant arse.
Thank goodness you have a lovely big family to spread the weight of his extraordinary behaviour.
Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:23

@tistheseeson I guess you have not read what I have written.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:24

@rosamacrose thank you ! You too

OP posts:
YourenutsmiLord · 11/12/2021 08:27

Hope you have made the max price of present clear or recipe for disaster

tistheseeson · 11/12/2021 08:27

[quote profedemates]@tistheseeson I guess you have not read what I have written.[/quote]
Did you inform them that is when you would arrive or did you explain and ask if it would be ok, receiving confirmation that it was?

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2021 08:35

You’d just stop bothering with him wouldn’t you? Leave him out of anything going forward, including him just causes problems.

Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:35

@tistheseeson of course we explained, we didn’t just tell them, that would be rude. We explained and both of them said it was fine, they said don’t worry party would go till late. And on the day we spoke again in the morning and again was told it was fine.l, see you later. So of course we were shocked when he called later to tell us not to bother coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
profedemates · 11/12/2021 08:38

@timeisnotaline yes, I mean a lot of us have, My grandmother doesn’t bother we him anymore, because he literally only calls when he needs to use her parking space near Westfield 😂. If he doesn’t join by tomorrow, I will remove him from the SS and do a new one, because is what he did last year and messed it up.
@YourenutsmiLord yep £50

OP posts: