Sister in law (on a good salary) has just said she won't be buying gifts...

[Comfortzone]

...for me & DH - just for our 3 DCs as xmas is 'ridiculously expensive'.

She's discussed this also with other sister in law (also on good salary with 2 dcs) and she texted to say they have both wanted to ask can we all just buy for the (5) children this year.

I've said fine by us but I'm baffled.

I thought xmas was the time when you prioritise who gets gifts, usually making family members come first then friends etc next.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

I'm not expecting big expensive gifts from them, I've never dictated what they should spend on my DCs, who are usually delighted with colouring books or simple games, but neither was I expecting an abrupt text in October telling me by the way I won't be buying you or DH a present this year.

Just seems really cold.

Or am I over reacting? Feeling really pissed off with her actually.

A candle costs 4quid or a pen or a nail polish.

Perhaps she thinks a gift should involve more than the above so she'd rather not do gifts if she cant afford her usual level of shopping.

And you dont know what her financial situation actually is. Yes she may be on a good salary but you nothing about her financial outlays.

We haven't bought for adults, just the children, for years now. So I understand entirely where she's coming from.

We usually don't five presents to adult siblings, either. If they happen to be with us on the day, it is different, but even then, we try to limit the presents.

My siblings did this.

I didn't know until I had given all my presents out and didn't get anything, wondered why and then brother asked if I knew that they had decided to just give presents to the children

At least they told you.

I just buy myself something instead It is not the same, but at least I get something I want.

Thanks, I was going to suggest secret santa. Or get DH to suggest it. Just that they like to have a big get together after xmas where after lunch everyone opens their presents. So I'm wondering how it will work. Seems a bit sterile and sad to not gift family in laws with at least something wrapped up. And just seems like she's saying well you're not really that important to me to buy for, as I'll be buying for all my friends etc and going out lots so by the time I've paid for all that, well, it's just ridicuously expensive etc etc

I did exactly the same several years ago

My brothers wife breathed a sigh of relief (she'd wanted to do the same for years but my brother thought we would be offended)

My dhs sister moaned about it & thought we were stingy.

I personally prefer to prioritise buying gifts for my own children rather than adults.

5 children is a lot to buy for not counting any gifts on the other side ofvthe family. Adding in adults as well just gets silly.

Sorry but I'm on her side. I only buy for children too. I can't see the point in token gifts like a candle and anything I actually wanted I would buy for myself.
As a rule we only buy for children in our family but sil insists on buying stuff which is a waste of her money. I know it seems miserable but I'd sooner she spent the money on the children than on a loads of tat I don't want.

We have previously suggested this to family members, despite being reasonably well off. The idea behind it was to let them not buy us presents without feeling bad about it, as they didn't have much money. Could this be a motivation for your SIL?

Oh whatevva they didn't tell you? Geez. I might bring something nice for myself to open. In previous years she would always send a text in november whingeing that she was skint and what did I want for xmas this year.

I said up to you. It just seems really rude to me. I'm not a stranger to her, I'm her sister in law! Oh and she's just back from a whirlwind tour of the world, just bought new car, new house etc

We don't have any kids so we tend to spoil our niblings (nieces and nephews) at Xmas. But we also normally put together a hamper for the adults (yes, we are those people) as I hate them to go without. I don't ever expect any gifts back from anyone so it's always lovely if we do. We quite often get told that we're not getting anything from some of the adults, which is fine but we tell them that doesn't mean we won't get them anything. It's about giving not receiving for us.

Thanks some good replies helping me see it better from her point of view. She doesn't have kids but lots of friends to buy for.

Oh and she's just back from a whirlwind tour of the world, just bought new car, new house etc

So there you are. She may be wanting to save up a bit.

plinkin part of me still wants to get them something as I just love putting a gift together for that particular person. Hamper sounds like a great idea. I'm just feeling now that if I do show up with small gifts for the adults then I'll be seen as a show off rocking the boat when the agreement was no gifts. Or I can just let this go and buy for my own siblings instead and enjoy the giving side of it that way. Seems very sterile to make xmas a no gift giving occasion.

I had thought we could buy gifts for our 3 dcs then other SIL buys for her 2 DCs we put them in a big sack that santa has left behind then NO ONE has to buy ANYTHING for my kids. Sigh.

I'm afraid I'm with your SIL

It's not just the money for me, it's the effort of searching out suitable gifts and then getting everything wrapped, boxed up & posted as well

I would rather just focus on the kids

I'm going on a a bit here but part of me also feels that she is resenting the fact that she has to buy for 3 kids even though a colouring book and pens is deemed to be the best present ever by my DCs. Part of me feels like telling her to cancel xmas altogether. (I'm hungry so possibly not helping)

?ou are seeing this from the PoV of someone who likes giving and receiving gifts, who probably enjoys shopping for them, the choosing that perfect little something and all that.

I bloody hate it. Not too bothered about receiving- there isn't much I want and not many people get my taste and I hate stuff and clutter. Don't mind giving, but seems so pointless for grown ups. Hate,hate hate shopping and choosing stuff. So I totally get you sis In this.

We did secret Santa for years with the adults in exH's family - and presents only for little ones - as the kids got older they wanted to join in and be a secret Santa for someone else. It was fab except everyone wanted to get the present from one of my SILs who just ALWAYS got it right

Oh and we put a limit on it of £20 per present. With my adult DC we've done something similar - £10 only on each present and it has to come from a charity shop. It becomes a real challenge and we enjoy doing it in the weeks leading up to Xmas.

A box of quality street/roses and a bottle of wine per couple would be out of the question?

Seems very sterile to make xmas a no gift giving occasion

But you are still seeing this as someone who likes xmas and gift giving. Lots of us don't.

As FunkyPeacock said, it's not just money but time, thought, trekking round shops, and it can seem overwhelming at times. I'd rather no one bought me anything and I didn't have to buy them anything!
The nice bits of Christmas are spending time with family and friends, nice food and nice drinks imo.

Secret Santa is a fab idea. Or even white elephant secret Santa which is awesome! We have the same gifts going around year after year.
YABVU OP Christmas is not about acquiring more random --landfill- scented candles and bubble bath.

See I know that it's a faff shopping etc but she LOVES shopping, and I know she will be out xmas shopping for her friends etc going on cocktail nights out etc I feel bottom of her list

I still take a gift 'for the house' like chocs or wine. So imo that would be OK.

Will you all be spending all of Christmas Day together? I didn't understand the bit about the Christmas sack, I'm afraid. Both SILs want to buy for your children, isn't that right?

Sounds pretty sensible to me. I think lots of families reach this decision at some point.